Tug Of War

          Lately life has been like a long game of tug of war. A battle of wits, relationships and life in general. When you have a child with MI all relationships get harder and harder to maintain and nearly impossible to start. What friends you may have may be lost by the way side when difficulties seem to flood in day after day, week after week. Well meaning friends just don't see the MI after time but only the behaviors that linger.
          Your torn between the children that you love and the few friends that have stuck by you. Wanting so desperately, the relationships that others have the luxury to enjoy. Sit around and have coffee on a nice sunny summer day. Nice leisurely walk on the beach. Even a passing conversation where you have a smile on your face and honesty on your tongue.
           Listening to their well meaning suggestions that are only spoken out of a well meaning heart that only a friend could say. Even these words become harder and harder to listen to without saying a word. The words cut into your already bruised mind like a finely sharpened blade.
          Too many times, well wishers just make matters worse. The once welcome friends make you cringe and struggle with just being in their presence. Things you once looked forward to become something you deal with. Feeling like an outsider when all you want is to be accepted and understood. The tug of war goes on with yet another thing to battle.
          The tug of war is not only in reference to friendships, it encompasses every aspect of life. As MI takes up more and more time and energy, things like your job can suffer. Being called away during your work day becomes more and more. Your co workers become burdened when you are called away. What do you do? Deal with work or your child? For me, this is a no brainer, children win ever time.
          There are some out there that do not have this choice. There are those out there that can not deal with the loneliness of MI. I consider myself as one who is strong through the tough times. God has blessed me with His grace and peace to carry through yet there are still times I have doubt. Doubt that His love is unfailing or not quite enough. Those times are tests for my endurance and strength. A test of my faith for Him.

Love........

       Love.......what is love? According to Websters Dictionary there are 9 definitions for this word. For the terms of this particular post we will talk about the love involved with two  individuals, a relationship. Love is such a simple word and a somewhat simple meaning. Websters defines love as "an attraction based on sexual desire; affection based on admiration". This is the desire to be with one that you hold highly in your life, someone whom you feel some strong emotions for.

       Too many times people act as though they are in love, say they are in love but yet that love is no where to be found when it is most needed. Some are quick to call something love when it is not really there. Love can be a tricky thing sometimes. Affection is sometimes misread as love. Lust is another one that is commonly mistaken as Love.

       The reason I bring up the topic of love is that most ppl who suffer from MI have issues with Love, both in means of affection and also in true love. Someone, particularly with BP, will have issues with exhibiting love as well as maintaining a loving relationship. Even the most loving individuals and/or couples bend when faced with instability. This not only will effect the couple but those around the couple.

       I personally have given up on finding my true love, heck even a passing love. My life is so absorbed in my DD's lives that my personal life is on hold, indefinitely. Im sure that in time as my DD's grow and hopefully live on their own, I can have a "normal" dating life and even find that one for me, who knows? I also pray that my DD's will be able to find their true loves despite their MI's.

       My prayer for them is to be bale to live life to the fullest and with someone who really truly loves them. The number of divorces are astronomical for ppl with MI. Their only hope is to find that one who can love them even when they do not love themselves. My sister has found just that man in her life, I was not so lucky. So until I can find that one, I wish my children have better luck then I.