Found A Home At Last

          Today was Recognition (Graduation) Day at Perkins School. In addition to the students being recognised for graduating from High School or completing a certificate program, the school also honored some of their faculty. The man on the left has been the art teacher at Perkins School for the past 9 years and was recognised for his part in educating and helping these students succeed. He shares a little about how traditional art classroom are like and then he goes on to describe what goes on in his art room. He talks about those kids that walk in and are covered in chalk from head to toe in 5 minutes and he also goes onto a more emotional aspect of his classroom (and let me tell you, I don't think there were many dry eyes after his standing ovation).

          He goes into what is so special about his position and why he feels honored to be able to teach here at Perkins School. He shared about how Perkins School is rarely the first stop for the kids here, it is usually the last stop of a long list of unsuccessful placements. When a child first comes into his classroom he sees the hurt, pain, mistrust, disappointment and apprehension in their eyes as well as in their art work. He sees a part of these kids that others may not see because art is an outlet for these emotions when no other way of expression has worked. At this point in his speech he was over come by emotions himself that he just stands there for a minute not saying a word, as tears run down his face. He finishes up his acceptance speech with a comment about being honored to be allowed into these very special children's world and to see who they are and then draw them out to be who they can become!

          I know that my DD#2 has not been at this school very long (only 5 months) but I can already see a change in her. She has gone from a very dark place into a smiling young lady who holds her head up. For well over a year she was drawing pictures of death scenes, bloody daggers, writing "death" with Chinese symbols on her arms with permanent markers. She was over come with these images and ideas in her head. I could never begin to understand why she had this obsession with death other then it being part of her MI.

           You can see the transition that she has made in her drawing books. Pages upon pages of these horrific red and black pictures and then a glimmer of hope, a colorful dragon. Then a flower and some animals. Now, you rarely see the old pictures emerge. She is back to drawing the world around her. She is singing in the choir now, something she stopped doing almost 2 years ago. I know that this rebirth will continue to grow and flourish with staff members like this art teacher. They are their because these kids need them to see the real them. To see the pain inside and to reach past the anger and resentment, to find the child inside. Then to water and nurture them in ways many of us can't. To bring them back to life again!

Tears Never Felt So Good!



          I have never been one that is easily moved to tears, at least on the outside. Every time I have felt those inevitable tears start to creep up, I can usually catch them and put an end to them before they emerge on my cheeks. I don't mind others who have that ability to cry without shame or embarrassment nor do I criticize them for "being weak" or "being easily moved". In all reality, I in a way envy them. I know the bible talk about being envious or coveting others, but I am not sure if this applies in this situation.
          You have to know how I was brought up to understand why I feel this way about tears, but I am not going to open that whole can of worms here. All my life I have 95% of the time been able to block out my emotions and be able to deal with issues on a logical plain. The problem with that way of life is that you also block out the good emotions along with the not so good ones. Yes I have crumbled to the ground in that last few years with my DD#2, on more then one occasion, but that was in the privacy of my own home. I have even "lost it" on the phone more then once with a good friend from church, but again, no one saw it happen so all was ok.
          During our court hearing in May regarding my DD#2, I was floored at what transpired. I knew that my DD#2 was still doing great at her new school (she has been there for 5 months now), she had made the honor roll with 7 A's and 2 B's (first time since 4th grade). I knew that her case manager there was writing the judge a letter with her progress thus far. I also knew that my DD#2 had also written a letter to the judge saying what she liked at her new school and what she didn't like about it, I wanted her to be honest with the judge. When I got to the court house, I was able to read both letters before handing them to the lawyer and can I say WOW!
          The judge was given both letters and read them in front of us with not too much of a reaction (he had a great poker face), and we went on with the hearing. The DA and the lawyer hashed over what they wanted and all that courtroom mumbo jumbo. The judge then decided what he was going to grant and what he was pushing down...................He was so moved by my DD#2 progress AND letter that he read part of it out loud to everyone in the courtroom. Her last line (paraphrased) was "I have now come to realize that it is ok to have bad days but it is not ok to act on those bad feelings." And with that he awarded my DD#2 her very first overnight visit home in 8 months. He said that she has worked hard and deserved it but also cautioned her against acting out while at home.
            As I got up to leave the courtroom, it was all I could do to say "Thank you Judge" as the tears fell down my cheeks. My baby was coming home with me that day and I didn't have to rush her back to school before lights out. I was at a loss for words while we waited for our lawyer to come out with the paperwork to sign, so I could take her home. We drove home in silence because when I tried to say anything, the tears started to build up again and then I wouldn't be able to drive, LOL. I treasured her night home that weekend and we did a lot. We went on a hike and had some friends over, we watched movies till midnight!

          We have had a second night at home and we are coming up on her third night home this weekend and things are still going well. I won't say there is no arguing because lets face it, even the most well behaved kids fight with their siblings, that was just it though. Normal sibling rivalry. No hitting. No kicking. No biting. No yelling even. Just normal sibling rivalry. I never thought I would ever say that I am glad to "referee" an argument, a normal sibling disagreement. Does this mean all is right in our world and that things will never be bad again? NO. Mental Health disorders don't just go away with medication. they just become more manageable.

Light At The End Of The Tunnel?

          So much time has passed since my last post here and so much has happened. We have gone from crisis to beginning of stability to crisis again. After spending 3 1/2 months in an inpatient psychiatric hospital my DD#2 has finally arrived at her new school. This has not been an easy battle to say the least.
          Back in late October, during a very unstable time for my DD#2, she had punched a window out which ended up in a very long afternoon/night in the ER during Hurricane Sandy getting stitches and searching for a locked facility to put her in. Finally around 3 am, we made the 2 hour trip through the Hurricane to get her admitted into yet another phosp. I never imagined that this would be her home for the next 3 1/2 months.
          With help from the phosp staff and other professionals, we were able to find her a possible RTC closer to home for her but she wasn't ready yet for this and we lost her bed. Until she was ready to participate in her own treatment, we would not be able to place her in an RTC. So the search went on trying to find the right place for her. We even looked into an IRTP (Intensive Residential Treatment Placement) but she again did not qualify for this because you have to be commitable, which she was not.
          We had meeting after meeting brainstorming what to do with her, because she was deemed "dangerous to society" by the judge back in August and was not allowed to come home until she was stable. If we could not find a placement for her she would have to go into DYS custody, which I was not looking forward to. Everyone knew that she would not get the proper treatment she needed while in DYS custody, so this was a last resort, when all else failed.
          After a much needed battle with our school system, they finally agreed to cost share with DMH and place her into a therapeutic RTC and thus began yet another search. The ability to access privately funded RTC opened up the door to 5 possibilities. We heard back from 3 of them within a week and 2 of those had immediate openings, the third would have an opening within 30 days. The interviews and placement visits happened within the course of a week and the final decision was made on which program for her would work out best for her. Within another week, we were before the judge asking permission for her to move into her new program that afternoon. Praise God, permission was granted and we were on our way. After a very stressful day of making sure everything was put into place for her to move into her new school. We finally made it to her new school at 5 pm at night. My DD#2 was so happy to be in her new home and looking forward to settling in and starting school on the following Monday.
          It has now been 2 weeks since we moved my DD#2 into her new school and have had nothing but good reports from both the residence staff and the school staff as well as reports from my DD herself. During one of our many phone calls with my DD#2 over the last few months that she has been out of the home, I was floored when she actually said she was doing her homework. I have not seen her do homework in over a year, never mind doing work at school. Granted this is still her "honeymoon" period but I am praying daily that she remains on board with her treatment as well as her school work. Maybe this is a turning point for us all. There is hope that she will come back to us at some point now.

Holiday Grief

          I have spent too many days in the last two months dealing with feelings that I have never had to deal with before. Feelings that have remained unfathomable to me, grief. I have lost many loved ones to death in my 41 yrs but none have effected me like the grief I have been feeling. I have not physically lost a loved one in the last 2 month yet the grief is almost unbearable.
          My DD#2 has been in a phosp now since October 30th and there is no end to this in sight. We are in the process of applying for a placement in an IRTP (Intensive Residential Treatment Placement). An IRTP placement involves committing a person in a longer term phosp. I have had to realize that my DD#2 may never come back home to us. This is specially hard for a parent to accept because it means that all of your holidays will never been the same again. It means that you can never tuck your child in at night. It means you can never see your child when ever you want, you have to schedule visits to see them.
          I have several friends and acquaintances that have physically lost loved ones and that loss has effected them day after day and holiday after holiday. Their grief continues month after month, year after year. I could never understand why grief effects those  individuals for so long. I always saw grief as something one goes through for a few days or weeks and then you get over it and move on. I have never had grief last because I truly believe that loved ones have gone onto a better place and are no longer in pain.
          I do not like what this grief has developed inside me. A very large black hole within me. A pit that is trying to develop into a HUGE valley. I find myself almost daily praying for relief from it because each time it shows its ugly face, it gets harder and harder to look to God for relief. I find myself wanting to just stay in bed instead of facing my day with a smile. I have to keep reminding myself that I have two other children that need their mother. Need their mother to carry on with each new day. Even more so, they need their mother to show them that life does go on even in difficult times.
          So whether I want to or not, I must get up, get dressed and put that smile on my face each day. For them, I need to show them that everything will be fine even though their sister can not be with us. As they go day to day, being more relaxed and open without the constant upheaval that their sister has caused. Seeing them smile, laugh and goof off as sisters should, I sit crying inside that one is missing. I am reminded that when my DD#2 is not here, there are weeks of joy instead of hours. I miss having my DD#2 home but I do not miss the constant walking on eggshells and fear of when her next blow up will happen and who will get hurt by it, but I do miss her terribly.

Holidays

          I have made it a point to share from the heart on this blog and I have done just that. Today's blog post is going to be the hardest one yet to write. The holidays are difficult for many who have lost loved one's during the year. I lost my father back in 2002 and yes that first Thanksgiving and Christmas were difficult but we all managed to get through it.
          This year is already turning out to be harder then 2002 and we haven't even gotten to Christmas yet. My DD#2 has been living in various group homes and phosp's for 3 months now and it seems to get harder and harder as more time passes. I know that she is getting the help she needs and I believe that one day she will be allowed to come back home to us, but we just have to wait for that day to come.
          Thanksgiving was difficult where we cooked it all ahead of time and then packaged it all up. Thanksgiving morning, we loaded up the car and brought it all for our 1 1/2 hour drive to be able to spend 1 hour with my DD#2 so we could celebrate together. The time we had with her was great and it was good to see all 3 kids together for the first time in almost a month. See my DD#3 isn't old enough to visit her sister except on holidays, there is an age restriction.
          I am NOT looking forward to Christmas this year. I think this is the first time I can ever remembering feeling this way. Yes I have had Christmas's without my kids, when they went to celebrate it with their father, but this is different. They needed their time with their father as well as time with me and that was ok. This year I don't even know what to get my DD#2, so many things are restricted, including pencils!
          Everyday there is more and more Christmas movies featuring families getting together, all happy and joyous. Each day is harder and harder for me to face it with a smile on my face. I just wrote a post on a support group I belong to and broke down in tears, and you know how much I hate tears! I am loosing my composure daily now thinking about the up coming holiday. Thinking about how we are going to be able to celebrate with all the rules and regulations. Can I even wrap gifts to her so she can open them? Did I take all the staples, string, sharps out of presents so she can have them with her?
          I am to the point now that I dread waking up the next morning. What else is going to happen with her? Will we even be able to see her on Christmas if she is having a bad day? I am having a hard time even putting that smile on my face everyday and acting like all is good. Yes I give this all up to God to handle and use for His glory but the tears are still here, ready to flow, daily. The fears of this being our life from here on out and not to ever get my DD#2 back the way she was before BP took over her life. Will we ever be a true family again? Only God knows that answer but I sure wish He would clue me in on it cause I am scared, worried and hopeless not knowing what will happen next.

Involved Agencies

          When you are dealing with a child with MI, you also have to deal with different agencies in order to get the services your child may need. This is an inevitable thing that will happen whether you want them involved or not, some times you have no choice in the matter. Dealing with different agencies can be quit stressful as well as confusing at times. Some can come in and just over see things to make sure your child is getting their needs met and you barely notice they are even there most of the time.
          I have had a variety of agencies involved in our lives in the last 10 years of dealing with MI. Some of the agencies we have had dealings with are DMH (Department Of Mental Health), DCF (Department of Children and Families), DYS (Department of Youth Services), CAP (I cant for the life of me remember what that stands for), ICC (Intensive Case Coordinators), YV (Youth Villages) .......and the list could go on and on into medical agencies as well as legal ones.
          For those of us that are seeking help for our children, getting an agency involved can somewhat be tricky. When I first embarked on this road of moderate to sever MI children, I got more then one door shut in my face by agencies. I was told many times that I did not qualify for their agency because I did not have other agencies involved in our lives. When prompted as to how to get them involved in our lives, I was told that the children have to be abused or neglected to get workers.
          I was dumbfounded when I was told I didn't qualify for help because I did NOT abuse or neglect the needs of my children. Talk about twisting parents ideas of our mental health system. I, a loving and nurturing parent, could NOT get help because I took care of them? In all honesty after getting that reply time after time of calling all the agencies I could think of, I seriously thought...........ok, how much can I neglect/abuse my kids to get help? Thank God those thoughts were quickly passing and I never did such a thing, but what is this society saying to parents like me? Yes I did finally get some help with my children but I had to fight with the "state" to be allowed to voluntarily get help from an agency that most parents cringe at the thought of them being involved in their family.  
          Now years later, I am once again faced with having this same agency involved in our lives again but under different circumstances. I am a little ambivalent to go forward with this because it involves more then last time. Granted I know that my DD#2 needs to be involved with this agency in order to move forward toward some sort of stability but that does not take away my anxiety this time. I have to hold my breathe and hold my head up and know that I am making the right decisions for her. I long for her to be stable again and to be able to return home and have the ability to be safe at home. This has been the longest last 7 weeks of my life so far. It is not over and I am sure there is a lot more to come before she becomes an adult.

SI

          In past post's that I have written, I have covered some of the "why's" surrounding SI. This post however is going to be about a parents view of their child's SI. A former cutter's view of seeing SI in their child.
          Yes I admit, I am a former "cutter", back when cutting was seen as a suicidal attempt. Period! Cutting wasn't understood back when I was a teenager, but is it really understood even now? People who have never cut or partaken in other self injurious behaviors, can't truely understand why people continue to do this, time and time again.
          Lets take a look at cutting since this is playing yet another role in my life. Lets look at how cutting affects loved ones who see it happening and can't stop the pain of their loved one. Today I was face to face with my DD#2 and saw about a dozen cuts on her forearm. I had already been informed by her program staff that she had done it but today I saw it for myself. I wasn't shocked to see it nor did I make a big deal about it.
          Inside my heart was crying out for mercy. Trying to rack my mind about what I could have done differently to avoid this. Did I miss some signs that this was coming? What can I do to stop her pain? What can I say that could help her? Should I talk to her about mr experience with cutting? Show her that I understand what she is going through. Show her that she is not the only one. So many questions with no easy answers.
          Im reminded of what those red lines ment to me. Are those the same reasons for her? Is she feeling so alone and out of control that she needs to cut to control of atleast one thing in her life? This pains me so much to see her like this. It breaks my heart that she is hurting this much inside and I can't stop the pain. Why can't I take her pain onto myself so she can be happy and carefree? Why Lord? Why allow this to happen to my child? Hasn't she been through enough already? Please keep her safe, Jesus. Please don't let this be her final cry. Hold her, protect her even from herself.