Leaning On The Promises of God

     Well the time has come for my DD#2's day in court, literally. I hate to admit it but I am going into tomorrow with some dread and concern. There is so much hinging on the outcome of tomorrow.
     Will my DD#2 be allowed to come home?
     Will she go to jail?
     Will she be committed to a state Hospital?
     Will she be found guilty or innocent?
     Will I loose custody of her?
     These feelings I am having is more then just a common reaction to my surroundings and the events going on in my life. They go against the very faith in how I choose to live by. My favorite Bible verse and the one I lean on the most is Philippians 4:13 " I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me" doesn't seem to give me comfort, tonight.
     I know that my faith is Jesus Christ has been my cornerstone for the past 7+ years. Things and events in our lives had tried to shake and move that cornerstone more then once, but Praise God, it has not been moved. I know deep down in my heart that it will once again, not be moved, but the enemy has not given up yet, he keeps on trying. I am having a difficult time trying to convince my brain that it needs make the 18 inch plummet and line up with my heart.
     Sitting here thinking and searching within, I am reminded of an old song (songs play a HUGE part of my life) from growing up, "Bless The Lord". For those who do not know the words:
       
         Bless the Lord
         Oh my soul
         And all that is within me
         Bless His holy Name
        
         Bless the Lord
         Oh my soul
         And all that is within me
         Bless His holy Name
        
         He has done great things
         He has done great things
         He has done great things
         Bless His holy Name

So as those thoughts and questions begin to sneak into my head, I pray that the Lord push's them over with yet another song about how He will provide, protect and show His mercy for those who love him. He can do the same for anyone who seeks Him...... "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7.

Here To Help, But Only For A Little Bit

      

        When you are dealing with someone with MI on a daily basis, you become a pretty good judge of that person. In the last 8 years since my DD#2 was dxed with a MI, one thing I have learned is what to look for, verbal and non verbal cues of readiness or changes in her cycle. I can tell when we are heading for a rage/breakdown within a few days. I can tell when she truly is doing good and not just doing and saying what she has to in order to be released. I have also learned to listen to what her fears and thoughts are, not just listen to the words she speaks but the emotions behind those words. I no longer just look at what professionals reports say or program notes but I take it all as a package. Just like many things, you can not just look as one aspect of something and come up with a decision that works, you need to look at all aspects.
         Most agencies that are out there rely on parents or loved ones for their input, their feelings and knowledge of the person in need to gain that "full picture" because they only have reports to go on. Unfortunately when dealing with the agencies, they also have guidelines they have to go on. People who have never met your loved ones are the one's who write those guidelines. Those same guidelines are reviewed every few years as an "umbrella" that their case workers use for all their clients. These guidelines are further not subject to be available to the family's who need them. We do not have a say in whether they are fair or reasonable. We do not have a voice to battle those who make the guidelines or to those who make the final say (the district offices).
       So why then is the purpose for these agencies? You have to fight to get the services that your loved one needs. If you become one of the lucky ones to get the services, you have to fight to get the correct services that would help your loved one. After almost 3 years of working with our local DMH services and knowing personally what my DD#2 needed, we finally got her placement into a school that is phenomenal and there is once again hope insight.
      The idea that my DD#2 might actually be able to have a productive life and be able to "live" with her MI, has never been more evident. These thoughts are not long lived however. Not by fault of my DD#2 but by the agency that is there to support her. My DD#2's DMH worker has been talking about transitioning her from the school setting she has been living at for the last 13 months and back into our home full time. Granted I love my DD#2 and I can't wait for her to be able to live at home again full time, but I have to honestly say, she is not ready for this transition, no yet. I can see that she is still in need of around the clock care for her to feel safe. Safe from herself and those who she perceives as a danger to her (during her unstable times).
       Just because there are sustainable gains on my DD#2 behaviors does not mean that she is ready to leave the environment that has made it possible to maintain that stability. At least half or not more of the issues with many who suffer from MI, their perception plays a HUGE part in their own stability. If they feel they are not in a safe place, then they will "crash and burn". The reason many people are dxed with MI is because they can not recognize the difference between actual things and perceived things. Their mind can not process that type of reasoning, thus a dx of MI. This also does not mean they can never be able to do this, it just means that when the neurons in the brain send messages, there is a breakdown or "mix up" in the synapse which causes the MI. Its like trying to start a fire with a flint and a rock. Sometimes you get a spark big enough to light the kindling and sometimes you don't. Does that mean it is impossible to start a fire with a flint and rock? No, it just means you need to practice and make repeated attempts to do it right.
       The only way to have long lasting stability is not to change a situation that is working after a short time period, but it is to keep it in place so that they can "practice" over and over again. A longer time of stabile support is the key to longer stability outside of that support. Also, a gradual change over time will also bolster the self esteem of the MI person. Show them that they CAN do this on their own and to be able to recognize signs of trouble and be able to reach for that extra support when needed.
        Not everyone who has a MI are the same. No two people are the exact same so why would every MI person be the same. If that is the case, then why are the clients treated the same? Why do they have to follow a certain guideline? Something needs to change in our mental health system. Changes that our loved ones can benefit from and get the care they need and for how long they need it. Until then, I will not stop fighting for my DD.

Light At The End Of The Tunnel?

 

       So much time has passed since my last blog and so much has happened both good and stressful. Life has gotten into a routine of work and play, comings and goings, unexpected stressors that were faced and over come with success. So many milestones met and surpassed. We are at a point in stability where a parent should be elated and looking forward to the future of their children. That feeling has not been long lived in our family.

       The last week of January we had a tragedy in our family that spun us on our heels. None of us were prepared for it and we mourned for days, leaning on those around us for support. We were faced with having to leave the state for a funeral but first I had to petition the court for permission. Praise God, He is merciful and mighty. The judge allowed my DD#2 to leave the state for a week with daily check ins by phone. The trip is planned and tickets were bought with the help of both our immediate and church family. The trip happened without any behavior issues and other then being tired, the trip was a success.

      Once back in our home state, things got back into our routine of school and work. It has not been easy to get back to our routine with the grief we had all felt but life goes on and we manage as best we can.  Looking forward in the upcoming weeks and months, I am trying to prepare myself as best I can. My DD#2 has a very important court appearance coming up in April. If anyone who has been charged with a crime, you are familiar with the trial process and what it all entails. The past three years being involved in the courts have not been able to prepare me for this day.
       My DD#2 is going to trial on 17 charges of various assaults against police, ambulance attendance and myself (a charge by the commonwealth not me). My sweet DD#2, is in serious trouble that could end up in a position that I can no longer "make it all better" with a kiss. Granted my DD#2 has gained 13 months of stability at her new placement, that may not matter depending on what judge we get for the trial. There is hope though. Where she has maintained stability for the last 13 months, there is a chance that she could be placed on probation and that is what I need to focus on. God is in control of this situation and only He can know the outcome of it.

Loosing Control

          What makes us think that we have any chance at being a good parent? Is it that what we thought was wrong with our parents that we want to do it better then them? Is there some line of thinking that we can do it better if we love our children more when what we perceive we were loved? Are we more knowledgeable then our parents were at our age? Has life really changed that much?
          When you are parenting a child with MI, all these questions float around in your head on more then one occasion during their upbringing. Your own worst enemy is sometimes not far away at all. It is sometimes a battle with your very own thoughts and feelings. Those thoughts and feeling can ultimately change the outcome of your children's lives as well as your own.
          As time goes on and your child grows up and matures, there will be a battle of wits, so to speak. Every parents goes through this at one point or another whether your child has MI or not, its normal, right? As your child gets closer and closer to becoming an adult (adult age I should clarify) the really difficult time comes when those apron strings need to be cut. You have done your best as a parent and you need to let go and sometimes be like an adult bird with her babies and teach them how to fly.
          This process is hard for all parents and it is even harder for parents with MI children. When MI rules the mind and perception of the child, they can't see what is right or wrong. They can't see what the outcome of their behavior leads to. They can't see when what they are saying and doing can hurt them. Their mind is so wrapped up in the MI that their perceived reality is twisted. Is there really a way to show them this and convince them of what they need to do?
          I have tried time and time again with love and understanding, praying to God that her eyes would be opened with no avail. I feel like I myself, am going insane trying to help and guide. I have tried calmly talking and gotten no where. I have tried to explain what is reality and what is irrational, till I am blue in the face. I wish and pray to see just the smallest light in that otherwise dark realm, but I have not seen that. The impatience on my part is growing with each argument. I am quicker to anger then I usually am. I am ultimately loosing control and reverting to sarcasm.
          Oh God, why oh why have you laid this on my shoulders? I can not take this any longer. I am at my breaking point. God, please, bring relief and a renewed spirit in you if this must go on. I can't do it without you. I'm broken and ready to be fixed!

Found A Home At Last

          Today was Recognition (Graduation) Day at Perkins School. In addition to the students being recognised for graduating from High School or completing a certificate program, the school also honored some of their faculty. The man on the left has been the art teacher at Perkins School for the past 9 years and was recognised for his part in educating and helping these students succeed. He shares a little about how traditional art classroom are like and then he goes on to describe what goes on in his art room. He talks about those kids that walk in and are covered in chalk from head to toe in 5 minutes and he also goes onto a more emotional aspect of his classroom (and let me tell you, I don't think there were many dry eyes after his standing ovation).

          He goes into what is so special about his position and why he feels honored to be able to teach here at Perkins School. He shared about how Perkins School is rarely the first stop for the kids here, it is usually the last stop of a long list of unsuccessful placements. When a child first comes into his classroom he sees the hurt, pain, mistrust, disappointment and apprehension in their eyes as well as in their art work. He sees a part of these kids that others may not see because art is an outlet for these emotions when no other way of expression has worked. At this point in his speech he was over come by emotions himself that he just stands there for a minute not saying a word, as tears run down his face. He finishes up his acceptance speech with a comment about being honored to be allowed into these very special children's world and to see who they are and then draw them out to be who they can become!

          I know that my DD#2 has not been at this school very long (only 5 months) but I can already see a change in her. She has gone from a very dark place into a smiling young lady who holds her head up. For well over a year she was drawing pictures of death scenes, bloody daggers, writing "death" with Chinese symbols on her arms with permanent markers. She was over come with these images and ideas in her head. I could never begin to understand why she had this obsession with death other then it being part of her MI.

           You can see the transition that she has made in her drawing books. Pages upon pages of these horrific red and black pictures and then a glimmer of hope, a colorful dragon. Then a flower and some animals. Now, you rarely see the old pictures emerge. She is back to drawing the world around her. She is singing in the choir now, something she stopped doing almost 2 years ago. I know that this rebirth will continue to grow and flourish with staff members like this art teacher. They are their because these kids need them to see the real them. To see the pain inside and to reach past the anger and resentment, to find the child inside. Then to water and nurture them in ways many of us can't. To bring them back to life again!

Tears Never Felt So Good!



          I have never been one that is easily moved to tears, at least on the outside. Every time I have felt those inevitable tears start to creep up, I can usually catch them and put an end to them before they emerge on my cheeks. I don't mind others who have that ability to cry without shame or embarrassment nor do I criticize them for "being weak" or "being easily moved". In all reality, I in a way envy them. I know the bible talk about being envious or coveting others, but I am not sure if this applies in this situation.
          You have to know how I was brought up to understand why I feel this way about tears, but I am not going to open that whole can of worms here. All my life I have 95% of the time been able to block out my emotions and be able to deal with issues on a logical plain. The problem with that way of life is that you also block out the good emotions along with the not so good ones. Yes I have crumbled to the ground in that last few years with my DD#2, on more then one occasion, but that was in the privacy of my own home. I have even "lost it" on the phone more then once with a good friend from church, but again, no one saw it happen so all was ok.
          During our court hearing in May regarding my DD#2, I was floored at what transpired. I knew that my DD#2 was still doing great at her new school (she has been there for 5 months now), she had made the honor roll with 7 A's and 2 B's (first time since 4th grade). I knew that her case manager there was writing the judge a letter with her progress thus far. I also knew that my DD#2 had also written a letter to the judge saying what she liked at her new school and what she didn't like about it, I wanted her to be honest with the judge. When I got to the court house, I was able to read both letters before handing them to the lawyer and can I say WOW!
          The judge was given both letters and read them in front of us with not too much of a reaction (he had a great poker face), and we went on with the hearing. The DA and the lawyer hashed over what they wanted and all that courtroom mumbo jumbo. The judge then decided what he was going to grant and what he was pushing down...................He was so moved by my DD#2 progress AND letter that he read part of it out loud to everyone in the courtroom. Her last line (paraphrased) was "I have now come to realize that it is ok to have bad days but it is not ok to act on those bad feelings." And with that he awarded my DD#2 her very first overnight visit home in 8 months. He said that she has worked hard and deserved it but also cautioned her against acting out while at home.
            As I got up to leave the courtroom, it was all I could do to say "Thank you Judge" as the tears fell down my cheeks. My baby was coming home with me that day and I didn't have to rush her back to school before lights out. I was at a loss for words while we waited for our lawyer to come out with the paperwork to sign, so I could take her home. We drove home in silence because when I tried to say anything, the tears started to build up again and then I wouldn't be able to drive, LOL. I treasured her night home that weekend and we did a lot. We went on a hike and had some friends over, we watched movies till midnight!

          We have had a second night at home and we are coming up on her third night home this weekend and things are still going well. I won't say there is no arguing because lets face it, even the most well behaved kids fight with their siblings, that was just it though. Normal sibling rivalry. No hitting. No kicking. No biting. No yelling even. Just normal sibling rivalry. I never thought I would ever say that I am glad to "referee" an argument, a normal sibling disagreement. Does this mean all is right in our world and that things will never be bad again? NO. Mental Health disorders don't just go away with medication. they just become more manageable.

Light At The End Of The Tunnel?

          So much time has passed since my last post here and so much has happened. We have gone from crisis to beginning of stability to crisis again. After spending 3 1/2 months in an inpatient psychiatric hospital my DD#2 has finally arrived at her new school. This has not been an easy battle to say the least.
          Back in late October, during a very unstable time for my DD#2, she had punched a window out which ended up in a very long afternoon/night in the ER during Hurricane Sandy getting stitches and searching for a locked facility to put her in. Finally around 3 am, we made the 2 hour trip through the Hurricane to get her admitted into yet another phosp. I never imagined that this would be her home for the next 3 1/2 months.
          With help from the phosp staff and other professionals, we were able to find her a possible RTC closer to home for her but she wasn't ready yet for this and we lost her bed. Until she was ready to participate in her own treatment, we would not be able to place her in an RTC. So the search went on trying to find the right place for her. We even looked into an IRTP (Intensive Residential Treatment Placement) but she again did not qualify for this because you have to be commitable, which she was not.
          We had meeting after meeting brainstorming what to do with her, because she was deemed "dangerous to society" by the judge back in August and was not allowed to come home until she was stable. If we could not find a placement for her she would have to go into DYS custody, which I was not looking forward to. Everyone knew that she would not get the proper treatment she needed while in DYS custody, so this was a last resort, when all else failed.
          After a much needed battle with our school system, they finally agreed to cost share with DMH and place her into a therapeutic RTC and thus began yet another search. The ability to access privately funded RTC opened up the door to 5 possibilities. We heard back from 3 of them within a week and 2 of those had immediate openings, the third would have an opening within 30 days. The interviews and placement visits happened within the course of a week and the final decision was made on which program for her would work out best for her. Within another week, we were before the judge asking permission for her to move into her new program that afternoon. Praise God, permission was granted and we were on our way. After a very stressful day of making sure everything was put into place for her to move into her new school. We finally made it to her new school at 5 pm at night. My DD#2 was so happy to be in her new home and looking forward to settling in and starting school on the following Monday.
          It has now been 2 weeks since we moved my DD#2 into her new school and have had nothing but good reports from both the residence staff and the school staff as well as reports from my DD herself. During one of our many phone calls with my DD#2 over the last few months that she has been out of the home, I was floored when she actually said she was doing her homework. I have not seen her do homework in over a year, never mind doing work at school. Granted this is still her "honeymoon" period but I am praying daily that she remains on board with her treatment as well as her school work. Maybe this is a turning point for us all. There is hope that she will come back to us at some point now.

Holiday Grief

          I have spent too many days in the last two months dealing with feelings that I have never had to deal with before. Feelings that have remained unfathomable to me, grief. I have lost many loved ones to death in my 41 yrs but none have effected me like the grief I have been feeling. I have not physically lost a loved one in the last 2 month yet the grief is almost unbearable.
          My DD#2 has been in a phosp now since October 30th and there is no end to this in sight. We are in the process of applying for a placement in an IRTP (Intensive Residential Treatment Placement). An IRTP placement involves committing a person in a longer term phosp. I have had to realize that my DD#2 may never come back home to us. This is specially hard for a parent to accept because it means that all of your holidays will never been the same again. It means that you can never tuck your child in at night. It means you can never see your child when ever you want, you have to schedule visits to see them.
          I have several friends and acquaintances that have physically lost loved ones and that loss has effected them day after day and holiday after holiday. Their grief continues month after month, year after year. I could never understand why grief effects those  individuals for so long. I always saw grief as something one goes through for a few days or weeks and then you get over it and move on. I have never had grief last because I truly believe that loved ones have gone onto a better place and are no longer in pain.
          I do not like what this grief has developed inside me. A very large black hole within me. A pit that is trying to develop into a HUGE valley. I find myself almost daily praying for relief from it because each time it shows its ugly face, it gets harder and harder to look to God for relief. I find myself wanting to just stay in bed instead of facing my day with a smile. I have to keep reminding myself that I have two other children that need their mother. Need their mother to carry on with each new day. Even more so, they need their mother to show them that life does go on even in difficult times.
          So whether I want to or not, I must get up, get dressed and put that smile on my face each day. For them, I need to show them that everything will be fine even though their sister can not be with us. As they go day to day, being more relaxed and open without the constant upheaval that their sister has caused. Seeing them smile, laugh and goof off as sisters should, I sit crying inside that one is missing. I am reminded that when my DD#2 is not here, there are weeks of joy instead of hours. I miss having my DD#2 home but I do not miss the constant walking on eggshells and fear of when her next blow up will happen and who will get hurt by it, but I do miss her terribly.

Holidays

          I have made it a point to share from the heart on this blog and I have done just that. Today's blog post is going to be the hardest one yet to write. The holidays are difficult for many who have lost loved one's during the year. I lost my father back in 2002 and yes that first Thanksgiving and Christmas were difficult but we all managed to get through it.
          This year is already turning out to be harder then 2002 and we haven't even gotten to Christmas yet. My DD#2 has been living in various group homes and phosp's for 3 months now and it seems to get harder and harder as more time passes. I know that she is getting the help she needs and I believe that one day she will be allowed to come back home to us, but we just have to wait for that day to come.
          Thanksgiving was difficult where we cooked it all ahead of time and then packaged it all up. Thanksgiving morning, we loaded up the car and brought it all for our 1 1/2 hour drive to be able to spend 1 hour with my DD#2 so we could celebrate together. The time we had with her was great and it was good to see all 3 kids together for the first time in almost a month. See my DD#3 isn't old enough to visit her sister except on holidays, there is an age restriction.
          I am NOT looking forward to Christmas this year. I think this is the first time I can ever remembering feeling this way. Yes I have had Christmas's without my kids, when they went to celebrate it with their father, but this is different. They needed their time with their father as well as time with me and that was ok. This year I don't even know what to get my DD#2, so many things are restricted, including pencils!
          Everyday there is more and more Christmas movies featuring families getting together, all happy and joyous. Each day is harder and harder for me to face it with a smile on my face. I just wrote a post on a support group I belong to and broke down in tears, and you know how much I hate tears! I am loosing my composure daily now thinking about the up coming holiday. Thinking about how we are going to be able to celebrate with all the rules and regulations. Can I even wrap gifts to her so she can open them? Did I take all the staples, string, sharps out of presents so she can have them with her?
          I am to the point now that I dread waking up the next morning. What else is going to happen with her? Will we even be able to see her on Christmas if she is having a bad day? I am having a hard time even putting that smile on my face everyday and acting like all is good. Yes I give this all up to God to handle and use for His glory but the tears are still here, ready to flow, daily. The fears of this being our life from here on out and not to ever get my DD#2 back the way she was before BP took over her life. Will we ever be a true family again? Only God knows that answer but I sure wish He would clue me in on it cause I am scared, worried and hopeless not knowing what will happen next.

Involved Agencies

          When you are dealing with a child with MI, you also have to deal with different agencies in order to get the services your child may need. This is an inevitable thing that will happen whether you want them involved or not, some times you have no choice in the matter. Dealing with different agencies can be quit stressful as well as confusing at times. Some can come in and just over see things to make sure your child is getting their needs met and you barely notice they are even there most of the time.
          I have had a variety of agencies involved in our lives in the last 10 years of dealing with MI. Some of the agencies we have had dealings with are DMH (Department Of Mental Health), DCF (Department of Children and Families), DYS (Department of Youth Services), CAP (I cant for the life of me remember what that stands for), ICC (Intensive Case Coordinators), YV (Youth Villages) .......and the list could go on and on into medical agencies as well as legal ones.
          For those of us that are seeking help for our children, getting an agency involved can somewhat be tricky. When I first embarked on this road of moderate to sever MI children, I got more then one door shut in my face by agencies. I was told many times that I did not qualify for their agency because I did not have other agencies involved in our lives. When prompted as to how to get them involved in our lives, I was told that the children have to be abused or neglected to get workers.
          I was dumbfounded when I was told I didn't qualify for help because I did NOT abuse or neglect the needs of my children. Talk about twisting parents ideas of our mental health system. I, a loving and nurturing parent, could NOT get help because I took care of them? In all honesty after getting that reply time after time of calling all the agencies I could think of, I seriously thought...........ok, how much can I neglect/abuse my kids to get help? Thank God those thoughts were quickly passing and I never did such a thing, but what is this society saying to parents like me? Yes I did finally get some help with my children but I had to fight with the "state" to be allowed to voluntarily get help from an agency that most parents cringe at the thought of them being involved in their family.  
          Now years later, I am once again faced with having this same agency involved in our lives again but under different circumstances. I am a little ambivalent to go forward with this because it involves more then last time. Granted I know that my DD#2 needs to be involved with this agency in order to move forward toward some sort of stability but that does not take away my anxiety this time. I have to hold my breathe and hold my head up and know that I am making the right decisions for her. I long for her to be stable again and to be able to return home and have the ability to be safe at home. This has been the longest last 7 weeks of my life so far. It is not over and I am sure there is a lot more to come before she becomes an adult.

SI

          In past post's that I have written, I have covered some of the "why's" surrounding SI. This post however is going to be about a parents view of their child's SI. A former cutter's view of seeing SI in their child.
          Yes I admit, I am a former "cutter", back when cutting was seen as a suicidal attempt. Period! Cutting wasn't understood back when I was a teenager, but is it really understood even now? People who have never cut or partaken in other self injurious behaviors, can't truely understand why people continue to do this, time and time again.
          Lets take a look at cutting since this is playing yet another role in my life. Lets look at how cutting affects loved ones who see it happening and can't stop the pain of their loved one. Today I was face to face with my DD#2 and saw about a dozen cuts on her forearm. I had already been informed by her program staff that she had done it but today I saw it for myself. I wasn't shocked to see it nor did I make a big deal about it.
          Inside my heart was crying out for mercy. Trying to rack my mind about what I could have done differently to avoid this. Did I miss some signs that this was coming? What can I do to stop her pain? What can I say that could help her? Should I talk to her about mr experience with cutting? Show her that I understand what she is going through. Show her that she is not the only one. So many questions with no easy answers.
          Im reminded of what those red lines ment to me. Are those the same reasons for her? Is she feeling so alone and out of control that she needs to cut to control of atleast one thing in her life? This pains me so much to see her like this. It breaks my heart that she is hurting this much inside and I can't stop the pain. Why can't I take her pain onto myself so she can be happy and carefree? Why Lord? Why allow this to happen to my child? Hasn't she been through enough already? Please keep her safe, Jesus. Please don't let this be her final cry. Hold her, protect her even from herself.
         

Baby Steps

          The last week or so we have been taking our days, our hours and our minutes, one step at a time. Like a baby's first tentative steps, sometimes taking things one step at a time is the only way to make it. One baby step at a time.
          That is what we have been doing with my DD #2, one baby step at a time. Sometimes we do one step forward and two steps back and sometimes we don't even get that one step forward but ever positive step is better then nothing.  We have to be willing to accept what we can get and not become so wrapped up in what they are not doing.
          My DD #2 was once again discharged from yet another phosp stay, one in which all the personal involved agreed she did not need, yet because of the laws of the land say that inpatient stay was necessary. It was a waste of time, gas and state funds to do this but I understand that the precaution needed to be there.
          Since her discharge the days have not been easy. Refusal to go to school, verbally fighting with staff at her RTC and even walking out of the program house without permission. What normally is a few good days after a phosp stay, was not evident this time. When one is not willing to even take those baby steps, it makes it hard for all those around her to be able to help her.
          So now all the providers have to meet again to discuss what we can do next, where the motion forward is minimal. A new RTC? A different group home? DYS custody? So many questions and no easy answers. With the time ever come where my DD#2 stop fighting those who are trying to help her. Will she ever begin to take baby steps again? I pray she will for her own sake.

Calm After the Storm

         
          After a particularly difficult time in our life, after the second arrest of my DD#2, there is a calm so to speak. That calmness is not always a welcome event. For the first week or so it is a welcome sight, to finally not be running around with your head cut off. I can finally relax for more then a few moments or hours. Not have to worry about the next blow up. Not have to worry about who will be the next one being attacked. The ability to get more then one or two things done without interruption.
          That calm becomes over bearing though after a few days. I sit here finding myself thinking of what else I can do. My house is cleaned from top to bottom. I have arraigned more then one room. Things are caught up that have been put off long enough. I am reminded of too much down time can be dangerous, mentally.
           I sit here day after day about what has transpired over the last few weeks. In a way wishing for yet another blow up because at least then I know what I need to do. This quiet after the storm is un nerving, it is too much for me to handle. The memories of what was said in anger come flooding back. I know the words were said in anger and they do not bother me in that regard. The words play over and over in my head because of what happened because of them.
           The threatening words were just that ......words. Yet those words have changed our lives, maybe forever. I pray they will just become a changing point in our lives. A change for the better. A change where my DD#2 gets what she needs. A change for the family as a whole. I have to look for the positive in our lives because without positive thoughts, all I have is the damning words. The damning visions of the past. There has to be more. I can not give up now. I need to go on and look up for the strength from Him. To get beyond the silent storms that continue to brew within me.

All But One

          One summer day in August, we went on a family trip, but we were one family member shy. The day was beautiful, not too hot but sunny. The day was very memorable for all of us in our own ways. My DD's 1 & 3 would remember this as the day they were able to go back in time to the early 1900's. For me however it was a little harder to think of this as a joyous day. For me it was our first family outing without my DD#2. This was the day that I had to admit that our little family makeup was changing. The day when I had to admit to myself that life did have to go on without her.

          It was a very emotional day. A day that I had to fight back the tears. A day that I had to put on that happy face for my family's sake. A day I had to be happy my other two daughters were with me. My mother knew I was ready for a day of rest from the emotional rollercoaster we had been on. she knew today would be good for all of us.

          Yes it did turn out to be an enjoyable day, it just took an hour or so to let go of the thought that DD#2 was not with us to enjoy the day. As I load up the pictures onto my computer and looking through them again brings those thoughts back to the fore front of my brain. I guess this is something I need to get used to, for the time being.

          I spoke to my DD#2 while writing this blog, and she seems happy where she is, so maybe this isnt so bad. She was happy to hear that our outing went well and is excited to be able to see the pictures later on this evening when we go to visit her. Maybe all we all needed was some time away and in new invironments. I don't know for sure but time will tell.

Tears

         
          Today was a particularly difficult day for me, it seems like each day is more difficult then the previous. Each day brings new struggles and obsticals that I thought I had already over come. As I drove over the roads I have driven so many times before, thoughts over came me. I began thinking about how my life has changed from what I was used to, to what it has become.
          I realized that this is what my life is and that I need to get used to it or go mad fighting it. I gave into the realization that I would no longer be a full time mom to my DD#2. I would have to get used to driving to go visit her rather then poke my head in the bedroom. Can one get used to this? I don't know but I will find out.
          Just because this is the way it has to be does not mean I have to like it or get used to it. I just wish the tears would take a hike when Im driving. It makes it hard to see the road and the other cars. I know the tears have a purpose and it is healthy to cry but it is not a favorate thing to do. Is it really anyone favorate pasttime?

Is This Fair?

          We live in the land of the free and the brave yet there are times when this country is not fair. When in this country the union between a man and a women it considered sacred. So sacred that you are legally protected by law, never to have to testify against your spouse. Why then is there no bond like that between a parent and a child?
          How can a union between two individuals be held higher then that of a parent and a child? Children come as a result of that union, from our own flesh. Yet there is no law to protect that union.
          I was sitting here thinking last night about how my life right now can not get any worse then it was. I had been grieving the loss of my child (physical loss, not to death) to the courts mercy. This is a horrible thing for a parent to go through. Feeling like a failure as a parent. This morning though was the turning point for me. The point where I really do not know what choice's I have left as a parent.
          It has seemed like an eternity since my DD#2 was arrested three days ago for threatening me. I had no say about the arrest nor did I have any say in her being charged for 2 counts of domestic assault. This morning I found out that I also have no say in testifying against my DD#2 either. If I decide not to go to court on the date on the summons, then I will be arrested!
          How can a mother protect her child when the laws don't allow us too? How can those laws we live by force and fight for, turn around and make us betray our own flesh and blood? This is not fair to us as parents.

Serenity?

          I know it has been a while since my last post but life goes on whether we want it to or not. Life has given me more then I can handle alone, lately. I am quickly becoming over run with emotions and situations that I have no answers for. Even with my education in the mental health field didn't even prepare me for these past few days. I can't sleep very well. I can't eat more then a few bites without feeling like I am going to be sick. I can't even let the tears flow because I'm afraid they will never stop flowing. I know it will get better, easier, for me to come to terms with everything, in time.

          Loosing a child to MI is not easy whether you are talking literally (death), figuratively (alive but emotionally lost) or legally (courts). I think in some ways each of these situations can become crippling. When you loose a child to death, you no longer have them to physically hold onto but you can at some point move past that through the grief process. When you loose a child emotionally, because of what the MI does to the brain and daily functioning, you still have your child to hold onto. To hold and cuddle even when they do not want it. To see every morning and to deal with all that comes along with MI.

          The latter is the one I want to address here. I am loosing my DD#2 to other people that are better equipped to dealing with her. I can no longer see her sleeping peacefully at night. I will no longer be able to hold her while she is ragging and try to calm her down. I wont be able to just go for a walk with her or take a photography trip. I wont be able to "snuggle", one of her favorite things to do when she is anxious.

          Granted I will still be able to deal with the doctors caring for her. I'll still be dealing with the lawyer that is handling her legal matters. I will still be on an emotional rollercoaster called life with MI. I will still get those glares from people who just do not understand why she is the way she is. I will still see the ones who judge me and criticize what I have done and I am doing now.

          I was granted these girls to be the best mother I can be with God's help. God didn't give me these kids to be a part time mother. I am NOT giving up on my DD just because other people say she needs more then I can give. I will continue to fight this battle with all that is in my heart. I can't give up until I have some peace and serenity within my soul.

Changes

          The first few years of life is a total learning experience that will follow you the rest of your life. You learn to walk and talk, you learn to play and communicate. You learn to deal with other people and to make lasting friendships. A treasure trove of learning is done during the first years that give you the tools to become who you want to be.
          The second part of your life, you learn more about who you are and who you want to be. You learn what honor, trust and love are and what you can do with them. You can build others up and you can tear them down, which ever you are looking for. During these years you also struggle with inner battles, battles that can only be fought by you. Who you rely on and believe in will determine the outcome.
          Even before you are ready to graduate into the world we call adulthood, you begin the never ending battle within that can take its toll. You think you have it all figured out until the rug gets pulled out from under your feet. Time and time again just when you think you'll do fine. You begin to wonder when things would go "your way", but it never seems to come.
          All of these things everyone has to go through at some point in their lives. Even the healthiest minds have trouble with it sometimes. Add MI into this equation and it is even harder, if not seem impossible to the individual. As an adult you do not have someone there to remind you to take your meds. You do not have one to tell you that you need to get some more sleep or your emotions will become harder to deal with. No one to remind you to eat healthy or to eat at all.
          I dread this time for my child. I do not want to see her hurt. I do not want to see her struggle. I do not want to see her in pain. No parent does. This unfortunatly is something that we have to sit back and pray that they remember just how much we love them and come for help when they are ready. I am not ready for this time in my life, it has only just begun and I am scared for my child. Scared that she will go so far down the road before realizing I am here for her. All I can do is pray and pray I will do.


Walled In? Walled Out?

          Sometimes I wonder about the walls that we all build around ourselves. Are they to keep others out? Are they to protect? Or are they to hide behind? Yet others still are there just ram our heads against in times of insanity!
          I feel like I stand before my wall, beating my head against it time and time again. Wondering why I keep doing so when it gets me nothing but a huge headache. Why do we as parents continue to beat our heads, trying to find solutions to problems that never seem to go away.
           Why do we continue to help those who do not want it? Do things for ppl who don't care if they ever change but demand that those around them change? How do we get it through their heads that what they are doing is hurting more then just them? How do we get them to let go of things and quit throwing it back in our faces every chance they get?
          It is so hard dealing with someone with MI to the point where you literally feel like we would have better luck beating our heads against a brick wall. I sit here trying desperately to think of a way to repair my family once again ripped by the tongue of another. How can I continue to do this and reassure all that they matter to me or that I am not taking sides?
          There is no real way to do just this and I know that one will be hurt by this. I know which one it will be also but it can not be avoided. The "kid gloves" will not continue to work in this matter because they are getting older and will see through it. Why are we as parents put in this position to have to choose between our children?
           I love them all and can not choose, will not choose. I wish, oh do I wish that there was an easy solution to such a difficult matter. I wish MI had an on/off switch so that we could turn it off just for a few minutes and have a conversation with common sense. To allow your loved one to just see what their actions are doing to others and how much easier it would be to let go and move on with their lives.
            But as we know, there is no on/off switch to MI. There is no magic cure, nor is there an easy button. Life goes on though good and bad. We just have to keep picking ourselves up by our bootstraps and get on with our lives.

Love The Sinner

                    As I sit here thinking over a conversation I had earlier this evening, I sit and wonder what is the best way to handle this situation. Due to the fact that there are LD's as well as MI, how much did those issues have a play in what was shared? Does the person actually know what they are saying and how much of it was learned by society itself? Does this person believe what they are saying or are they sharing this information because they want to be apart of a group and feel accepted?
          The tears and the heartache in this persons voice was evident as they shared what they had written, as if these were true feelings. Yet these feelings and thoughts could not be explained or backed up with the all time question of why they feel the way they do. All that could be shared beyond the "facts" is that if I would just go to a group and learn more about this subject, so I could accept them and their choice. Is it possible for one to feel this strongly about something without a reason to have this passion?
          I ended our talk with the fact that I love the person and nothing could change that fact. Similar to the story in the bible about loving the sinner but not the sin. Regardless of what they thought was truth or not I would always love them, no more and no less. I am not sure if this has sunk into their head or if all they heard was I don't agree or support their choice. It is so hard to know how much of what someone says sticks in the head of the other.
          This matter is even more hindered when you add in the LD's and MI issues. Do they really understand what is said during a high emotional time? Can they comprehend the difference between love and support? I cant really answer these questions but I can say that we need to love those around us regardless of what they are doing. To love the person and not what they do or say.


note: I have purposely made this post vague because of the topic and the person involved.