SI

          In past post's that I have written, I have covered some of the "why's" surrounding SI. This post however is going to be about a parents view of their child's SI. A former cutter's view of seeing SI in their child.
          Yes I admit, I am a former "cutter", back when cutting was seen as a suicidal attempt. Period! Cutting wasn't understood back when I was a teenager, but is it really understood even now? People who have never cut or partaken in other self injurious behaviors, can't truely understand why people continue to do this, time and time again.
          Lets take a look at cutting since this is playing yet another role in my life. Lets look at how cutting affects loved ones who see it happening and can't stop the pain of their loved one. Today I was face to face with my DD#2 and saw about a dozen cuts on her forearm. I had already been informed by her program staff that she had done it but today I saw it for myself. I wasn't shocked to see it nor did I make a big deal about it.
          Inside my heart was crying out for mercy. Trying to rack my mind about what I could have done differently to avoid this. Did I miss some signs that this was coming? What can I do to stop her pain? What can I say that could help her? Should I talk to her about mr experience with cutting? Show her that I understand what she is going through. Show her that she is not the only one. So many questions with no easy answers.
          Im reminded of what those red lines ment to me. Are those the same reasons for her? Is she feeling so alone and out of control that she needs to cut to control of atleast one thing in her life? This pains me so much to see her like this. It breaks my heart that she is hurting this much inside and I can't stop the pain. Why can't I take her pain onto myself so she can be happy and carefree? Why Lord? Why allow this to happen to my child? Hasn't she been through enough already? Please keep her safe, Jesus. Please don't let this be her final cry. Hold her, protect her even from herself.
         

Baby Steps

          The last week or so we have been taking our days, our hours and our minutes, one step at a time. Like a baby's first tentative steps, sometimes taking things one step at a time is the only way to make it. One baby step at a time.
          That is what we have been doing with my DD #2, one baby step at a time. Sometimes we do one step forward and two steps back and sometimes we don't even get that one step forward but ever positive step is better then nothing.  We have to be willing to accept what we can get and not become so wrapped up in what they are not doing.
          My DD #2 was once again discharged from yet another phosp stay, one in which all the personal involved agreed she did not need, yet because of the laws of the land say that inpatient stay was necessary. It was a waste of time, gas and state funds to do this but I understand that the precaution needed to be there.
          Since her discharge the days have not been easy. Refusal to go to school, verbally fighting with staff at her RTC and even walking out of the program house without permission. What normally is a few good days after a phosp stay, was not evident this time. When one is not willing to even take those baby steps, it makes it hard for all those around her to be able to help her.
          So now all the providers have to meet again to discuss what we can do next, where the motion forward is minimal. A new RTC? A different group home? DYS custody? So many questions and no easy answers. With the time ever come where my DD#2 stop fighting those who are trying to help her. Will she ever begin to take baby steps again? I pray she will for her own sake.

Calm After the Storm

         
          After a particularly difficult time in our life, after the second arrest of my DD#2, there is a calm so to speak. That calmness is not always a welcome event. For the first week or so it is a welcome sight, to finally not be running around with your head cut off. I can finally relax for more then a few moments or hours. Not have to worry about the next blow up. Not have to worry about who will be the next one being attacked. The ability to get more then one or two things done without interruption.
          That calm becomes over bearing though after a few days. I sit here finding myself thinking of what else I can do. My house is cleaned from top to bottom. I have arraigned more then one room. Things are caught up that have been put off long enough. I am reminded of too much down time can be dangerous, mentally.
           I sit here day after day about what has transpired over the last few weeks. In a way wishing for yet another blow up because at least then I know what I need to do. This quiet after the storm is un nerving, it is too much for me to handle. The memories of what was said in anger come flooding back. I know the words were said in anger and they do not bother me in that regard. The words play over and over in my head because of what happened because of them.
           The threatening words were just that ......words. Yet those words have changed our lives, maybe forever. I pray they will just become a changing point in our lives. A change for the better. A change where my DD#2 gets what she needs. A change for the family as a whole. I have to look for the positive in our lives because without positive thoughts, all I have is the damning words. The damning visions of the past. There has to be more. I can not give up now. I need to go on and look up for the strength from Him. To get beyond the silent storms that continue to brew within me.

All But One

          One summer day in August, we went on a family trip, but we were one family member shy. The day was beautiful, not too hot but sunny. The day was very memorable for all of us in our own ways. My DD's 1 & 3 would remember this as the day they were able to go back in time to the early 1900's. For me however it was a little harder to think of this as a joyous day. For me it was our first family outing without my DD#2. This was the day that I had to admit that our little family makeup was changing. The day when I had to admit to myself that life did have to go on without her.

          It was a very emotional day. A day that I had to fight back the tears. A day that I had to put on that happy face for my family's sake. A day I had to be happy my other two daughters were with me. My mother knew I was ready for a day of rest from the emotional rollercoaster we had been on. she knew today would be good for all of us.

          Yes it did turn out to be an enjoyable day, it just took an hour or so to let go of the thought that DD#2 was not with us to enjoy the day. As I load up the pictures onto my computer and looking through them again brings those thoughts back to the fore front of my brain. I guess this is something I need to get used to, for the time being.

          I spoke to my DD#2 while writing this blog, and she seems happy where she is, so maybe this isnt so bad. She was happy to hear that our outing went well and is excited to be able to see the pictures later on this evening when we go to visit her. Maybe all we all needed was some time away and in new invironments. I don't know for sure but time will tell.

Tears

         
          Today was a particularly difficult day for me, it seems like each day is more difficult then the previous. Each day brings new struggles and obsticals that I thought I had already over come. As I drove over the roads I have driven so many times before, thoughts over came me. I began thinking about how my life has changed from what I was used to, to what it has become.
          I realized that this is what my life is and that I need to get used to it or go mad fighting it. I gave into the realization that I would no longer be a full time mom to my DD#2. I would have to get used to driving to go visit her rather then poke my head in the bedroom. Can one get used to this? I don't know but I will find out.
          Just because this is the way it has to be does not mean I have to like it or get used to it. I just wish the tears would take a hike when Im driving. It makes it hard to see the road and the other cars. I know the tears have a purpose and it is healthy to cry but it is not a favorate thing to do. Is it really anyone favorate pasttime?

Is This Fair?

          We live in the land of the free and the brave yet there are times when this country is not fair. When in this country the union between a man and a women it considered sacred. So sacred that you are legally protected by law, never to have to testify against your spouse. Why then is there no bond like that between a parent and a child?
          How can a union between two individuals be held higher then that of a parent and a child? Children come as a result of that union, from our own flesh. Yet there is no law to protect that union.
          I was sitting here thinking last night about how my life right now can not get any worse then it was. I had been grieving the loss of my child (physical loss, not to death) to the courts mercy. This is a horrible thing for a parent to go through. Feeling like a failure as a parent. This morning though was the turning point for me. The point where I really do not know what choice's I have left as a parent.
          It has seemed like an eternity since my DD#2 was arrested three days ago for threatening me. I had no say about the arrest nor did I have any say in her being charged for 2 counts of domestic assault. This morning I found out that I also have no say in testifying against my DD#2 either. If I decide not to go to court on the date on the summons, then I will be arrested!
          How can a mother protect her child when the laws don't allow us too? How can those laws we live by force and fight for, turn around and make us betray our own flesh and blood? This is not fair to us as parents.

Serenity?

          I know it has been a while since my last post but life goes on whether we want it to or not. Life has given me more then I can handle alone, lately. I am quickly becoming over run with emotions and situations that I have no answers for. Even with my education in the mental health field didn't even prepare me for these past few days. I can't sleep very well. I can't eat more then a few bites without feeling like I am going to be sick. I can't even let the tears flow because I'm afraid they will never stop flowing. I know it will get better, easier, for me to come to terms with everything, in time.

          Loosing a child to MI is not easy whether you are talking literally (death), figuratively (alive but emotionally lost) or legally (courts). I think in some ways each of these situations can become crippling. When you loose a child to death, you no longer have them to physically hold onto but you can at some point move past that through the grief process. When you loose a child emotionally, because of what the MI does to the brain and daily functioning, you still have your child to hold onto. To hold and cuddle even when they do not want it. To see every morning and to deal with all that comes along with MI.

          The latter is the one I want to address here. I am loosing my DD#2 to other people that are better equipped to dealing with her. I can no longer see her sleeping peacefully at night. I will no longer be able to hold her while she is ragging and try to calm her down. I wont be able to just go for a walk with her or take a photography trip. I wont be able to "snuggle", one of her favorite things to do when she is anxious.

          Granted I will still be able to deal with the doctors caring for her. I'll still be dealing with the lawyer that is handling her legal matters. I will still be on an emotional rollercoaster called life with MI. I will still get those glares from people who just do not understand why she is the way she is. I will still see the ones who judge me and criticize what I have done and I am doing now.

          I was granted these girls to be the best mother I can be with God's help. God didn't give me these kids to be a part time mother. I am NOT giving up on my DD just because other people say she needs more then I can give. I will continue to fight this battle with all that is in my heart. I can't give up until I have some peace and serenity within my soul.