As I sit here, like many nights, I wonder why my DD what I see as self sabotage. They want so much to succeed at things in their lives yet they do so many things that act in the opposite way. I often wonder if they even connect their actions with the outcomes. They work so hard to achieve just small steps forward and instead take one or two backwards.
My DD # 1 is looking at college's and thinking about her future but yet she has not been away from home for more then 4 days at a stretch, not even to sleep over friends homes more then twice. She also deals with some good size anxiety issues and instead of taking her medication for it, she just lets the fear build up until she explodes on an unsuspecting bystander. I am all one for trying to do things without the need for medications, as you learn to cope and deal with issues, sure try to go without medications for a while. When it can be proven time and time again that the way you are coping is not working then maybe you need to look at it differently.
Another area I see often with DD #1 is her desire to get a job. She takes the effort to go and pick up applications and brings them home, fills them out and then doesn't turn them back in for months and by then the position has been filled. She has never been able to handle a regular job, even babysitting, for more then a handful of months. Yet she stills longs for a job.
DD #2 has just reached the age where she wants to work and like her sister, she doesn't think all the way through things. They both went to "interviews" last week, a job that was lined up by an agency that we get services from set it up for them, yet DD #2 acted very child like during the meeting. This behavior is not looked at as a good thing, thank God for the agency that set this up and arraigned for DD #2 to have a one on one person go with her for the first several weeks of work to insure she can handle it.
This opportunity will be great experience for both of them and it will be doing something they both enjoy. The "job" they will be doing will first start out at 2-4 hours a week, because they are both still in school, and their hours could be increased as summer approaches and they can handle more hours. I am always concerned about what their lives will be like if this behavior continues to impact their lives. I know that they will qualify to stay with this organization that has set this "job" up for them but I would love to see them be able to live on their own, like any other parent.
Both of my DD's are excited to begin working yet in addition to the childish behavior from DD #2, she has it set in her head that she wants to live at the phosp. She has tried numerous times to "get sent back" and verbally said she wants to go back, "to feel safe". She likes the feeling of having staff ready and willing to keep her safe even when she doesn't want to be safe. I don't think she realizes though that if she "lived" at the phosp they are not going to let her out to "go to work". This is the thinking I wonder if they even connect these things.
So tomorrow is the "big day" when they get to see all the different area's that they can work in and decide where they will fit best in. They get to find out what there duties will be and what is expected of them. I am praying that they will be able to manage their emotions and their abilities to do the job that is asked of them. I know they can do it, I just pray they know they can do it too. It's a big step for both of them.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Stand By Me
Many times a person who deals with MI on a daily basis whether it is in a loved one or you yourself dealing with it, walks this road alone. Some may think there is something wrong with you or makes you feel like you have a contagious disease and keeps you at arms lengh. They may not know how to act around you or it could be fear stopping them from getting too close. Many don't know enough about MI to know that with proper medication one can lead a normal life and no one would know any different.
Being touched by MI can be seen on your face, your body gestures and your personality. Those who deal with it can see it in others and understand the tired eye's, the drained face and body. You can tell when the MI is stable and when it is flying high on auto pilot. Too many see this but not many act on what they see because they don't know what to say or they don't have the time. Many don't say anything because they don't know for sure and if they inquire about it that opens one up to ridicule and questions as to why they know about MI.
It is a lonely life for a person who deals with in within their own body. One minute you are up and doing everything under the sun, cleaning from top to bottom and next you can't even get out of your own way. This process can take as little as minutes and hours, or as much as days or weeks. It can mess with your mind and not know whether you are coming or going. Your cycle (the ups and downs) can be so quick that you swear you are going to give yourself whiplash if you try to figure things out.
To make their life easier I know people who have even put a "name" to their cycle's to allow others to understand when it is not a good time to visit or chat. This way they don't have to explain what is going on when they are cycling or have to go into what is up. It's a code for those who are close to them, those who understand and will accept it now and ask questions later when it is a better time. This also allows those who care about them to know when to "keep and eye" on how bad they get or how long it is taking. Makes it easier for loved ones to keep track of the moods and know when it is time to call for help.
Having to deal with MI in yourself is a long hard road but it is also hard for those around you who love you. I know as a parent of minors who have MI, my friends list is not very long, my list of people I get together with is even shorter and my list of choices of mates is non existent. I don't even know if I remember what to do on a date, may have to ask some teenagers for advice on that one, if it ever comes calling again. Our children become our lives. We do not have room for socializing or going out with friends to have a good time or too blow off steam. When we have more then an hour or two of peace we spend it either sleeping or cleaning, LOL because usually that is the only time you have to do those things.
Anyone who knows and understand a busy life style with a heavy workload will tell you, "the only way to survive is to take an hour everyday to do something for yourself." Yes that is all good and well meaning and I think I have heard those very words come out of my mouth a few time's when talking to other parents, so yes I am guilty of this as well but in reality, most days you don't get an hour to yourself and be awake at the same time. Most of the time, this blog is the only time I have when all the children are in bed and I have time to process my thoughts. This is my "me time" and if it can help others to understand MI and how it effects more then just the individual, then it can also be someone elses "me time".
Being touched by MI can be seen on your face, your body gestures and your personality. Those who deal with it can see it in others and understand the tired eye's, the drained face and body. You can tell when the MI is stable and when it is flying high on auto pilot. Too many see this but not many act on what they see because they don't know what to say or they don't have the time. Many don't say anything because they don't know for sure and if they inquire about it that opens one up to ridicule and questions as to why they know about MI.
It is a lonely life for a person who deals with in within their own body. One minute you are up and doing everything under the sun, cleaning from top to bottom and next you can't even get out of your own way. This process can take as little as minutes and hours, or as much as days or weeks. It can mess with your mind and not know whether you are coming or going. Your cycle (the ups and downs) can be so quick that you swear you are going to give yourself whiplash if you try to figure things out.
To make their life easier I know people who have even put a "name" to their cycle's to allow others to understand when it is not a good time to visit or chat. This way they don't have to explain what is going on when they are cycling or have to go into what is up. It's a code for those who are close to them, those who understand and will accept it now and ask questions later when it is a better time. This also allows those who care about them to know when to "keep and eye" on how bad they get or how long it is taking. Makes it easier for loved ones to keep track of the moods and know when it is time to call for help.
Having to deal with MI in yourself is a long hard road but it is also hard for those around you who love you. I know as a parent of minors who have MI, my friends list is not very long, my list of people I get together with is even shorter and my list of choices of mates is non existent. I don't even know if I remember what to do on a date, may have to ask some teenagers for advice on that one, if it ever comes calling again. Our children become our lives. We do not have room for socializing or going out with friends to have a good time or too blow off steam. When we have more then an hour or two of peace we spend it either sleeping or cleaning, LOL because usually that is the only time you have to do those things.
Anyone who knows and understand a busy life style with a heavy workload will tell you, "the only way to survive is to take an hour everyday to do something for yourself." Yes that is all good and well meaning and I think I have heard those very words come out of my mouth a few time's when talking to other parents, so yes I am guilty of this as well but in reality, most days you don't get an hour to yourself and be awake at the same time. Most of the time, this blog is the only time I have when all the children are in bed and I have time to process my thoughts. This is my "me time" and if it can help others to understand MI and how it effects more then just the individual, then it can also be someone elses "me time".
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Winds of Change
We had a particularly difficult time in our lives several years ago that uprooted our family in more then one way. This is when I found out that one of my DD's was being abused by a trusted individual that I had allowed access to my family for almost 4 years. In addition to finding this out I had also found out that my ex-husband had even known about this going on for several weeks and didn't bother to tell me about it. Our whole life was turned upside down and not knowing who I could trust and who I couldn't.
The night I found out about this I confronted this individual and I was so upset I stumbled over my own words not really knowing what to say. Within 12 hours he had disappeared from our life and on the run from the police. This began a 9 week hunt for him through several states before he was caught and placed under arrest. All of my children as well as myself were interviewed by so many professionals it was making my head spin. My DD wouldn't even leave my side and the other two were very insecure as well and difficult to get them to school. I felt horrible making them go but with all the meetings and doctors appointments with my DD and the upcoming court battle, I needed them to be in a safe place.
I had to make some really difficult decisions and changes in our lives and moved the family two states away. I needed to be closer to my family and the people I knew would always be there and never have to question if my children were safe or not. Granted my ex-in-laws were great and still are to this day, I didn't feel like I would be able to make it there. There was too much of a reminder for my DD, everywhere she went people talked about what happened. Small communities have a habit of news like this to spread like wildfire. She had kids coming up to her in school asking her about what happened, kids she didn't even know. She would come home crying almost everyday until I stopped making her go.
We left to go to my mother house at Thanksgiving and I told my children once we were there that we were not going back home. My mother and I drove the six hour drive to get a moving truck and packed up what I could fit in it as well as my mini van. We spent the last night I would live in this state and took off at daybreak and never looked back. I was scared for my children because I had no idea where we would live, I didn't have a job waiting for me and I had no idea what was even going to happen next.
It would be four long months of filling out paperwork and putting in applications for emergency housing slots everywhere I could find. Four long months of going from one house to another, one family member to another, one friend to another. The children went to four different schools in one year. I began to wonder if we would ever find a place to live or that life would ever be able to get back to normal. My DD behaviors really became getting to the point I couldn't take much more of it. My friends and family were so supportive but I knew our added stress was really waring on them as it was on us.
I was at the lowest point in my life when all seemed hopeless and my faith was on the line so to speak. I had been raised in the church and had lived my life the best I could. I loved the Lord and raised my children to love God also but I had never really trusted in Him to the fullest extent that I did at that point. I would pray for a roof over our heads and a place to call home but deep in my heart I wanted a house with a fenced in yard in a nice neighborhood. A good church to bring my children up in that had the same beliefs and values I had raised them on.
I had finally gotten to the point in my life that I finally said to God, "OK you have all of me, I can't do this alone anymore, I can't be the strong mom and the one who carries it all with a smile and holding my chin high. I can't do it anymore!" I have never cried so much in my life as I did that night in my car, not knowing where we were going or what we were going to do but when I stepped out of my van and headed into my sisters house, I had felt a peace that I can not begin to understand or put to words. I peace that truly passes all understanding, I was standing up tall and head up high. I knew we were going to be alright.
With a new week starting and a faith renewed in me brought news that could only have been God sent. There was an emergency opening that I had applied for and if we wanted it, it would be ready in a week in a half. Praise God, we had a home! I didn't care that it was an hour away from my family, I didn't care that I had never even heard of this town, I accepted the slot without even seeing it. I knew this was a God given placement and when I saw the place I began to cry because it was more then what I had been praying for, it was my hearts desire plus so much more that I would find out in the years to come.
This house meant more to me then just a home. It was a new beginning and new start to our healing as a family. A place where abuse has no hold on us and place where we could grow and heal. To say that we have adjusted to this new life would be an understatement. My faith in the Lord has multiplied and grown int he years we have been here and I hate that it took this incident before I realized how much I was missing in my relationship with God but I am so happy I finally made the choice to allow Him to be Lord in my life, totally and completely.
The night I found out about this I confronted this individual and I was so upset I stumbled over my own words not really knowing what to say. Within 12 hours he had disappeared from our life and on the run from the police. This began a 9 week hunt for him through several states before he was caught and placed under arrest. All of my children as well as myself were interviewed by so many professionals it was making my head spin. My DD wouldn't even leave my side and the other two were very insecure as well and difficult to get them to school. I felt horrible making them go but with all the meetings and doctors appointments with my DD and the upcoming court battle, I needed them to be in a safe place.
I had to make some really difficult decisions and changes in our lives and moved the family two states away. I needed to be closer to my family and the people I knew would always be there and never have to question if my children were safe or not. Granted my ex-in-laws were great and still are to this day, I didn't feel like I would be able to make it there. There was too much of a reminder for my DD, everywhere she went people talked about what happened. Small communities have a habit of news like this to spread like wildfire. She had kids coming up to her in school asking her about what happened, kids she didn't even know. She would come home crying almost everyday until I stopped making her go.
We left to go to my mother house at Thanksgiving and I told my children once we were there that we were not going back home. My mother and I drove the six hour drive to get a moving truck and packed up what I could fit in it as well as my mini van. We spent the last night I would live in this state and took off at daybreak and never looked back. I was scared for my children because I had no idea where we would live, I didn't have a job waiting for me and I had no idea what was even going to happen next.
It would be four long months of filling out paperwork and putting in applications for emergency housing slots everywhere I could find. Four long months of going from one house to another, one family member to another, one friend to another. The children went to four different schools in one year. I began to wonder if we would ever find a place to live or that life would ever be able to get back to normal. My DD behaviors really became getting to the point I couldn't take much more of it. My friends and family were so supportive but I knew our added stress was really waring on them as it was on us.
I was at the lowest point in my life when all seemed hopeless and my faith was on the line so to speak. I had been raised in the church and had lived my life the best I could. I loved the Lord and raised my children to love God also but I had never really trusted in Him to the fullest extent that I did at that point. I would pray for a roof over our heads and a place to call home but deep in my heart I wanted a house with a fenced in yard in a nice neighborhood. A good church to bring my children up in that had the same beliefs and values I had raised them on.
I had finally gotten to the point in my life that I finally said to God, "OK you have all of me, I can't do this alone anymore, I can't be the strong mom and the one who carries it all with a smile and holding my chin high. I can't do it anymore!" I have never cried so much in my life as I did that night in my car, not knowing where we were going or what we were going to do but when I stepped out of my van and headed into my sisters house, I had felt a peace that I can not begin to understand or put to words. I peace that truly passes all understanding, I was standing up tall and head up high. I knew we were going to be alright.
With a new week starting and a faith renewed in me brought news that could only have been God sent. There was an emergency opening that I had applied for and if we wanted it, it would be ready in a week in a half. Praise God, we had a home! I didn't care that it was an hour away from my family, I didn't care that I had never even heard of this town, I accepted the slot without even seeing it. I knew this was a God given placement and when I saw the place I began to cry because it was more then what I had been praying for, it was my hearts desire plus so much more that I would find out in the years to come.
This house meant more to me then just a home. It was a new beginning and new start to our healing as a family. A place where abuse has no hold on us and place where we could grow and heal. To say that we have adjusted to this new life would be an understatement. My faith in the Lord has multiplied and grown int he years we have been here and I hate that it took this incident before I realized how much I was missing in my relationship with God but I am so happy I finally made the choice to allow Him to be Lord in my life, totally and completely.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Russian Roulette
Parenthood does not come with a manual, many times I wished it had. So when dealing with children in general, one has to go on your gut instinct in how to deal with different situation. This is why some situations turn out one way with one child and the same situation in a different child could turn out differently. With enough interaction with a particular child you can pretty much ascertain a positive or negative outcome of a situation. This does not mean it will turn out exactly as you thought it would, every time.
When my DD #2 came down stairs one evening and told me she was not feeling safe I questioned why she felt that way. She began talking about not feeling safe around DD #3 because she had tried to push her down the stairs. This was not a mean or harmful act on the part of DD #3, it was only a goofing off time involving DD # 2 and DD #3 that continued up the stairs on their way to bed, thus was not done with malice intent. Once this was explained to her, she then moved into the fact that she wanted to go back to the phosp because she didn't feel safe here with her sister.
Trying to explain to a child that they can not live at a phosp is a delicate process. You don't want to make it so they cringe at the idea of a phosp stay if it is needed to achieve stability but you want to make it "bad enough" that she doesn't want to go there in the present when it is not needed. Just like a criminal in prison that can not function outside of those walls and re-offends to get placed back in prison, this can also happen to a person who suffers from MI. In the phosp, DD #2 feels safe because she has a staff full of people who will keep her safe even when she doesn't want to be safe. This can become an addictive behavior for her and we needed to work toward her not needing these measures to feel safe.
At this point I had asked her if she wanted to sleep in my room with me but she said no and continued on with wanting to go back to the phosp. I ignored all comments about the phosp because I had known that once DD #2 was focused on something, it is not easy to redirect her and that ignoring those comments and talking about other things was my best chance. I then asked her if she wanted me to sleep in her room with her and again the answer was no. That in itself told me she really wasn't feeling unsafe enough to warrant her wanting to be with me like she had in the past.
Once I realized this I knew this was her way of trying to get back in the phosp, she knew what she needed to voice and say that would normally cause anyone to act on it and place her inpatient. I decided at this point to do something that could potentially back fire on me and walked past her and started up the stairs. Once I was past her and I knew she wasn't following me, I said something to her without stopping my climb up the stairs. I told her without looking at her, "well I am going to bed and if the voices really want to kill you then they will do it whether you are upstairs with me or down here by yourself." To my relief, DD #2 ran up the stairs behind me begging me "don't leave me mommy, don't leave me".
Once I had her upstairs that was one step closer to getting her to lay down and go to sleep. She refused to lay down and instead sat on her bed saying she was going to stay up all night and I replied with "ok if that is what you want to do" and left her in her room alone. I was not too concerned with her resorting to SI (self injury) but I also wasn't totally discarding that idea and I went to bed fully dressed in case I needed to bolt for any reason.
Soon I heard some movement in her room and just laid there listening to see if I could figure out what she was doing. After about 10 minutes and I couldn't figure it out I got up and went to check on her. I was shocked by what I saw because I wasn't expecting it and asked her what she was doing. "I'm cleaning my room. Its one of my coping skills" she replied as if it was a common thing that she did. All I could say was "oh! ok" and walked back out of her room dumbfounded.
I don't know if I was more surprised that she was using a coping skill without having to be guided to do so or if I was shocked that she was cleaning her room without three days of threatening to take a trash bag in there and do it myself. This defiantly wasn't the outcome I had expected at all. It wasn't even in the realm of my thinking regarding my DD #2. This was totally out of her character. I had imagined a rage that would end in an unnecessary phosp stay or even in her coming into my room crying and laying down with me but for her to clean her room????
The dangerous game of Russian Roulette is very similar to the game you play with MI. You never quite know what is going to be the outcome. Violence, rage, suicide, SI or many other negative outcomes. Sometimes you get the pleasant outcome like I had that night. Expecting the worse and instead getting the unexpected.
When my DD #2 came down stairs one evening and told me she was not feeling safe I questioned why she felt that way. She began talking about not feeling safe around DD #3 because she had tried to push her down the stairs. This was not a mean or harmful act on the part of DD #3, it was only a goofing off time involving DD # 2 and DD #3 that continued up the stairs on their way to bed, thus was not done with malice intent. Once this was explained to her, she then moved into the fact that she wanted to go back to the phosp because she didn't feel safe here with her sister.
Trying to explain to a child that they can not live at a phosp is a delicate process. You don't want to make it so they cringe at the idea of a phosp stay if it is needed to achieve stability but you want to make it "bad enough" that she doesn't want to go there in the present when it is not needed. Just like a criminal in prison that can not function outside of those walls and re-offends to get placed back in prison, this can also happen to a person who suffers from MI. In the phosp, DD #2 feels safe because she has a staff full of people who will keep her safe even when she doesn't want to be safe. This can become an addictive behavior for her and we needed to work toward her not needing these measures to feel safe.
At this point I had asked her if she wanted to sleep in my room with me but she said no and continued on with wanting to go back to the phosp. I ignored all comments about the phosp because I had known that once DD #2 was focused on something, it is not easy to redirect her and that ignoring those comments and talking about other things was my best chance. I then asked her if she wanted me to sleep in her room with her and again the answer was no. That in itself told me she really wasn't feeling unsafe enough to warrant her wanting to be with me like she had in the past.
Once I realized this I knew this was her way of trying to get back in the phosp, she knew what she needed to voice and say that would normally cause anyone to act on it and place her inpatient. I decided at this point to do something that could potentially back fire on me and walked past her and started up the stairs. Once I was past her and I knew she wasn't following me, I said something to her without stopping my climb up the stairs. I told her without looking at her, "well I am going to bed and if the voices really want to kill you then they will do it whether you are upstairs with me or down here by yourself." To my relief, DD #2 ran up the stairs behind me begging me "don't leave me mommy, don't leave me".
Once I had her upstairs that was one step closer to getting her to lay down and go to sleep. She refused to lay down and instead sat on her bed saying she was going to stay up all night and I replied with "ok if that is what you want to do" and left her in her room alone. I was not too concerned with her resorting to SI (self injury) but I also wasn't totally discarding that idea and I went to bed fully dressed in case I needed to bolt for any reason.
Soon I heard some movement in her room and just laid there listening to see if I could figure out what she was doing. After about 10 minutes and I couldn't figure it out I got up and went to check on her. I was shocked by what I saw because I wasn't expecting it and asked her what she was doing. "I'm cleaning my room. Its one of my coping skills" she replied as if it was a common thing that she did. All I could say was "oh! ok" and walked back out of her room dumbfounded.
I don't know if I was more surprised that she was using a coping skill without having to be guided to do so or if I was shocked that she was cleaning her room without three days of threatening to take a trash bag in there and do it myself. This defiantly wasn't the outcome I had expected at all. It wasn't even in the realm of my thinking regarding my DD #2. This was totally out of her character. I had imagined a rage that would end in an unnecessary phosp stay or even in her coming into my room crying and laying down with me but for her to clean her room????
The dangerous game of Russian Roulette is very similar to the game you play with MI. You never quite know what is going to be the outcome. Violence, rage, suicide, SI or many other negative outcomes. Sometimes you get the pleasant outcome like I had that night. Expecting the worse and instead getting the unexpected.
Friday, April 22, 2011
To Be or Not To Be
This simple yet complex phrase from William Shakespeare can be looked at and torn apart into many ideas and theories about life itself and our existence. Who shall we be in our life and what shall we accomplish, what are our goals in life. These are just some of the questions that go through every human being's mind at one point or another. Teens are asking these questions as they decide if they will continue their education beyond High School.
Teens are not the only ones who think about these things. Those adults that are going through what is commonly called a "mid life crisis" do the same things. They look at their life and make changes because they feel they have missed out of some things. People who experience a drastic change in their lives also go through these question. When my father passed away in 2001, my mother was faced with some of these questions. She had be married to the same man for almost 50 years and now he was gone, what does she do now? How is she supposed to face each new day without her man beside her?
All of these instances are a healthy form of stress because it causes you to act. When these things are dwelled on or drawn out for an abnormal amount of time and begin to negatively effect ones life, then this needs to change. Also you need to look at the reason why these thoughts come about. Is it due to a good kind of stress or change in your life or has it come about as a result of a negative experience. Just because something happens due to a negative experience doesn't necessarily mean that it continues to be negative either. Many good things came about because of a negative situation but that does not automatically make it a negative thing. It all depends on how you look at it and see something come to pass.
This is true when dealing with MI. The illness in itself is not a positive situation but what becomes of it can be. With the right supports in place in someones life, they can most defiantly have a positive outcome, if the person is willing to use those support faithfully. If we look at my DD #1 situation, she is looking forward to life after High School and what she wants to be or have as a job, she has her heart set on being a writer. Due to her LD's that involve her ability to correctly use the English language, she will have a difficult road ahead of her. She also is very stubborn like her mother and does not take the answer no too lightly and will fight for what she believes in. This is a good trait for her because she will work until she achieves her dream.
On the other hand my DD #2 has not reached the age of looking toward her future as of yet but that doesn't mean she doesn't act on things going on in her life. Her MI affects so much of her life that it makes it difficult for her to manage her day to day life without medication and a strong support team helping her constantly. Unlike her sister, DD #2 deals with heightened auditory hallucinations during stressful times in her life. Granted she is aware that these voices sometimes deal with negative suggestions and she has to decide whether to do as they say or ignore them but it is not always as easy as it sounds.
If you think about that old commercial with the man that has a little "devil" on one shoulder and a little "angel" on his other one, both trying to get the man to do what they want. Now imagine having to walk around with that going on in your head all the time and not just in stressful situations. Imagine having the "bad" one constantly telling you that you are no good, or that your better off dead? What if all you head was a twisted version of who you are and that you can not do anything right? What would happen to your ego. the inner most part of who you are? Day after day, week after week, month after month.
When we hear about how abused people can be brain washed into thinking the way that their abuser thinks and how horrible this is. How it takes many many months and even years to undo what someone has done to them. We can understand and can feel sorry for one that has been through that. How about when instead of having an external person doing this, it was an internal voice saying these things. Why can we not understand this? Why is it beyond our realm of sympathy and why do we just try to discard these people?
I think the reason we dismiss them is because we do not understand or because people have tried in vain to reach these people with no avail. After years and years of dealing with this, sometimes the person is "lost" or so beyond help that they no longer want the help. Some people even like the voices, they keep the individual company so to speak. The voices tell you what to do that way you don't even have to "think" because the voices do it for you.
It saddens my heart to think that there are those out there that want to keep their "voices". To think that their lives mean more to them with the voices present. My DD #2 has said on more then one occasion that she likes her good spirits (that's what she calls the voices) and wants to keep them, its the bad ones she doesn't want. Unfortunately you can't take medications for just the bad ones. She is torn between taking the medications and loosing both of the spirits or not taking it and having to deal with what the bad spirits say and "make her do". To be or not to be, that is the question that she faces. Its not an easy decision nor is it an end all choice.
Teens are not the only ones who think about these things. Those adults that are going through what is commonly called a "mid life crisis" do the same things. They look at their life and make changes because they feel they have missed out of some things. People who experience a drastic change in their lives also go through these question. When my father passed away in 2001, my mother was faced with some of these questions. She had be married to the same man for almost 50 years and now he was gone, what does she do now? How is she supposed to face each new day without her man beside her?
All of these instances are a healthy form of stress because it causes you to act. When these things are dwelled on or drawn out for an abnormal amount of time and begin to negatively effect ones life, then this needs to change. Also you need to look at the reason why these thoughts come about. Is it due to a good kind of stress or change in your life or has it come about as a result of a negative experience. Just because something happens due to a negative experience doesn't necessarily mean that it continues to be negative either. Many good things came about because of a negative situation but that does not automatically make it a negative thing. It all depends on how you look at it and see something come to pass.
This is true when dealing with MI. The illness in itself is not a positive situation but what becomes of it can be. With the right supports in place in someones life, they can most defiantly have a positive outcome, if the person is willing to use those support faithfully. If we look at my DD #1 situation, she is looking forward to life after High School and what she wants to be or have as a job, she has her heart set on being a writer. Due to her LD's that involve her ability to correctly use the English language, she will have a difficult road ahead of her. She also is very stubborn like her mother and does not take the answer no too lightly and will fight for what she believes in. This is a good trait for her because she will work until she achieves her dream.
On the other hand my DD #2 has not reached the age of looking toward her future as of yet but that doesn't mean she doesn't act on things going on in her life. Her MI affects so much of her life that it makes it difficult for her to manage her day to day life without medication and a strong support team helping her constantly. Unlike her sister, DD #2 deals with heightened auditory hallucinations during stressful times in her life. Granted she is aware that these voices sometimes deal with negative suggestions and she has to decide whether to do as they say or ignore them but it is not always as easy as it sounds.
If you think about that old commercial with the man that has a little "devil" on one shoulder and a little "angel" on his other one, both trying to get the man to do what they want. Now imagine having to walk around with that going on in your head all the time and not just in stressful situations. Imagine having the "bad" one constantly telling you that you are no good, or that your better off dead? What if all you head was a twisted version of who you are and that you can not do anything right? What would happen to your ego. the inner most part of who you are? Day after day, week after week, month after month.
When we hear about how abused people can be brain washed into thinking the way that their abuser thinks and how horrible this is. How it takes many many months and even years to undo what someone has done to them. We can understand and can feel sorry for one that has been through that. How about when instead of having an external person doing this, it was an internal voice saying these things. Why can we not understand this? Why is it beyond our realm of sympathy and why do we just try to discard these people?
I think the reason we dismiss them is because we do not understand or because people have tried in vain to reach these people with no avail. After years and years of dealing with this, sometimes the person is "lost" or so beyond help that they no longer want the help. Some people even like the voices, they keep the individual company so to speak. The voices tell you what to do that way you don't even have to "think" because the voices do it for you.
It saddens my heart to think that there are those out there that want to keep their "voices". To think that their lives mean more to them with the voices present. My DD #2 has said on more then one occasion that she likes her good spirits (that's what she calls the voices) and wants to keep them, its the bad ones she doesn't want. Unfortunately you can't take medications for just the bad ones. She is torn between taking the medications and loosing both of the spirits or not taking it and having to deal with what the bad spirits say and "make her do". To be or not to be, that is the question that she faces. Its not an easy decision nor is it an end all choice.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Calm in the Midst of a Storm
The storms of life are different for everyone, this includes those who have MI and those who do not. Many times families try to "hide" those storms in fear what others may say or look at them differently because of them. Yes there are some things that do not need to be publicized for all to see and there are other things that shouldn't be kept a secret and sometimes there is a very fine line here. Some things need to be changed in order for others to realize that they are not alone.
Due to the fact that I have a degree in the Human Service field, I had the opportunity to study and learn about mental health and some of what those who suffered from it went through. Even with all that is written about MI, I felt like what I went through with my DD's was not typical. I know differently now that I have had the opportunity to talk to other parents about what they go through. I believe that in order for other parents to fully understand that they are not "the only one" dealing with some very unsettling issues, someone has to speak up and share the "storms of life".
A typical week for our family usually involves at least two fights between my DD's. Yes this is very typical in most families that have more then one teenager in the same home. What is not typical is to the extent of those fights. The fights usually end in having to physically restrain one of them so that there is no blood shed or bodily injury, and no that is not an exaggeration.
An example of such an outburst or what many of the parents I have talked to, call them rages, because they are truly a rage full fit. One time my DD #2 was having a specially difficult day and became pretty force full and I ended up having to hold her down on the floor until she calmed down. While I had straddled her on the floor and held her wrists loosely above her head she had full use of her legs and feet. I was repeatedly kicked in the back and the head. I had no way of holding her legs at the same time as having her arms. With her feet she had successfully knocked down the book case beside us that housed our movies. During this whole rage , as with every rage where I had to restrain, I would calmly repeat just a few sayings like "its ok, calm down" and "I love you". I had learned that staying calm and having a calm voice during a rage meant shorter rages. I also learned no to comment back to what she has said and that is why I say the same thing over and over again.
When I took my attention off of my DD #2 and calming asked if my DD #1 could get the book case off of us and move some of the movies so DD #2 and I would not be hurt on them. In the 30 seconds it too me to say that to her and focus back on DD #2, she was able to pull her head up high enough to grab a hold of my forearm in her mouth. I first calmly told her that she was hurting me and for her to please let go of my arm, with no response to my question other then a firmer hold on my arm, I took an inventory of what was going on. I knew she didn't want to hurt me, she was only interested in getting me to let her go.
I had to make a decision and fast, do I let go of her arms to get my skin out of her mouth and take the wrath of her punches to my chest? Or do I keep a hold of her arms and figure out another way to free my arm? What is the lesser of two evils so to speak. Chose to just slowly pull my arm out of her mouth and keep her arms secure. She did eventually calm down so that I could release her and her usual after math of her rages, went upstairs and slept for over an hour. When she woke up she got right to work cleaning up the movies she had knocked over.
For years I would not speak about the things that I have posted above because I didn't want others to know how bad it had gotten. Yes I needed help with my DD's but in the same sense I didn't want others to see it. I didn't want to loose my DD's and I was afraid that if anyone knew how bad it was they would be removed from my house for every one's safety. It wasn't until it got even worse and more frequent did I finally start to tell others what was once hidden, but not anymore.
Due to the fact that I have a degree in the Human Service field, I had the opportunity to study and learn about mental health and some of what those who suffered from it went through. Even with all that is written about MI, I felt like what I went through with my DD's was not typical. I know differently now that I have had the opportunity to talk to other parents about what they go through. I believe that in order for other parents to fully understand that they are not "the only one" dealing with some very unsettling issues, someone has to speak up and share the "storms of life".
A typical week for our family usually involves at least two fights between my DD's. Yes this is very typical in most families that have more then one teenager in the same home. What is not typical is to the extent of those fights. The fights usually end in having to physically restrain one of them so that there is no blood shed or bodily injury, and no that is not an exaggeration.
An example of such an outburst or what many of the parents I have talked to, call them rages, because they are truly a rage full fit. One time my DD #2 was having a specially difficult day and became pretty force full and I ended up having to hold her down on the floor until she calmed down. While I had straddled her on the floor and held her wrists loosely above her head she had full use of her legs and feet. I was repeatedly kicked in the back and the head. I had no way of holding her legs at the same time as having her arms. With her feet she had successfully knocked down the book case beside us that housed our movies. During this whole rage , as with every rage where I had to restrain, I would calmly repeat just a few sayings like "its ok, calm down" and "I love you". I had learned that staying calm and having a calm voice during a rage meant shorter rages. I also learned no to comment back to what she has said and that is why I say the same thing over and over again.
When I took my attention off of my DD #2 and calming asked if my DD #1 could get the book case off of us and move some of the movies so DD #2 and I would not be hurt on them. In the 30 seconds it too me to say that to her and focus back on DD #2, she was able to pull her head up high enough to grab a hold of my forearm in her mouth. I first calmly told her that she was hurting me and for her to please let go of my arm, with no response to my question other then a firmer hold on my arm, I took an inventory of what was going on. I knew she didn't want to hurt me, she was only interested in getting me to let her go.
I had to make a decision and fast, do I let go of her arms to get my skin out of her mouth and take the wrath of her punches to my chest? Or do I keep a hold of her arms and figure out another way to free my arm? What is the lesser of two evils so to speak. Chose to just slowly pull my arm out of her mouth and keep her arms secure. She did eventually calm down so that I could release her and her usual after math of her rages, went upstairs and slept for over an hour. When she woke up she got right to work cleaning up the movies she had knocked over.
For years I would not speak about the things that I have posted above because I didn't want others to know how bad it had gotten. Yes I needed help with my DD's but in the same sense I didn't want others to see it. I didn't want to loose my DD's and I was afraid that if anyone knew how bad it was they would be removed from my house for every one's safety. It wasn't until it got even worse and more frequent did I finally start to tell others what was once hidden, but not anymore.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!
You all have probably watched or at least heard of the movie "The Wizard of Oz" and the character's Dorothy, the Tin Man, the Lion and the Scarecrow. Dorothy spends the whole movie trying to find her way back home where the Tin Man was in search for a heart. The Lion was searching for bravery and the Scarecrow was looking for a brain. This movie has some commonalities in the life of someone with MI.
When one has a MI it is like a fairytale in the sense that somethings just don't make sense. Things don't necessarily follow a rational thought process and we may be left scratching our heads when something may seem totally correct or rational to the individual with MI. In order for us to understand why this person does what they do we need to begin to figure out why they think the way they do. Once we can figure out what is important to them and their thought process we can begin to piece together the puzzle.
Everyone in this world is searching for something that is lacking in their lives. You could be searching for a bigger and better house or car. You could be searching for a job that fits your idea of the perfect job. You could be searching for your true love or your soul mate. All of these and many more are very much a rational desire and in some sense natural, healthy goals. When a desire is extreme in nature or have an unrealistic achievability (if that is even a word, LOL) this is when it becomes an issue.
To someone who has issues with MI sometimes the achievable goal is beyond what would be viewed within normal parameters. If you think about the characters in this movie, the Tin Man is looking for a heart yet he has the ability to feel which in a way proves he has a heart. The Lion is in search of courage yet he stands up to the wicked witch of the west, again proving he has what he is looking for. These examples are similar to the thought process of a person dealing with MI.
My DD #1 for years looked for the love she thought should get from her father, although this is on its own could be seen as a normal teen looking for acknowledgement, she took it to a new abnormal manner. Instead of seeking out a positive way of seeing this like sharing a like interest or doing something special with dad, she did the opposite. She did things that got her in trouble and when the negative aspect of their relationship happened as a result of her actions she would say "see I told you he didn't love me".
Granted you and I could see that this behavior was the wrong way to "prove her father's love", she saw it as the only way and still does to this day. You can try to talk to her and explain to her that her father does indeed love her in his own unique way. She may even agree that her way of "proving it" is a convoluted way yet she doesn't really believe it inside. This is proven time and time again as she continues to sabotage her relationship with her father regardless of what he may or may not do. All the positive "good aspects" of their relationship are viewed as "staged attempts" by him, in her mind.
When dealing with some similar thought process's of my DD #2, she needs to have an almost constant outward stimulus to feel wanted or loved. She needs to be doing something physical almost every day because when she has "down time" she begins to experience difficulties. As long as I can keep her physically and/or mentally active whether it be going for what we call "sense walks" or hiking in the woods or collecting rocks on the beach, she is pretty stable. She is always "looking for home" like Dorothy, when what she is looking for can be found inside her. She desires a centering of her being, being happy with what or who she is.
My DD #2 is very much a creative, "artsy type", mental person, trying to "find herself". No one can do this for her but by keeping things going for her allows her to experience different things. We take what we find, whether it is rocks from the beach or items in nature like sticks and leaves, we bring them home and do something with them. We have painted rocks with either scenery or if the rock looks like something, we do that. We have taken nature items and arraigned them on the table with lighting and proceed to draw it. This allows her to use her mind and her creative side after some physical activity.
I try to have her experience things that are positive and productive so that she can be able to see, touch and feel things that she did. A positive thing that is tangible and can remind her of the good that she can do when she puts her mind to it. My DD #2 has an issue with placing blame on others for her own actions instead of taking responsibility for herself. I pray that if we can show her enough of the good she can and will do when she puts her creativity to work, then the negative behavior will fall to the wayside.
Both of my DD 's have issues that many of us have on any given day. The difference in someone who has MI is that you don't just "get over it" or "out grow it" as if it is a phase. People with MI truly and whole heartily believe it to be true. It may take months or years of repeated positive behavior before one realizes this as faulty thinking. In some this may never be reached but we continue to try, day after day, week after week, month after month. Praying and hoping for that day to come when "light dawns on bedrock".
When one has a MI it is like a fairytale in the sense that somethings just don't make sense. Things don't necessarily follow a rational thought process and we may be left scratching our heads when something may seem totally correct or rational to the individual with MI. In order for us to understand why this person does what they do we need to begin to figure out why they think the way they do. Once we can figure out what is important to them and their thought process we can begin to piece together the puzzle.
Everyone in this world is searching for something that is lacking in their lives. You could be searching for a bigger and better house or car. You could be searching for a job that fits your idea of the perfect job. You could be searching for your true love or your soul mate. All of these and many more are very much a rational desire and in some sense natural, healthy goals. When a desire is extreme in nature or have an unrealistic achievability (if that is even a word, LOL) this is when it becomes an issue.
To someone who has issues with MI sometimes the achievable goal is beyond what would be viewed within normal parameters. If you think about the characters in this movie, the Tin Man is looking for a heart yet he has the ability to feel which in a way proves he has a heart. The Lion is in search of courage yet he stands up to the wicked witch of the west, again proving he has what he is looking for. These examples are similar to the thought process of a person dealing with MI.
My DD #1 for years looked for the love she thought should get from her father, although this is on its own could be seen as a normal teen looking for acknowledgement, she took it to a new abnormal manner. Instead of seeking out a positive way of seeing this like sharing a like interest or doing something special with dad, she did the opposite. She did things that got her in trouble and when the negative aspect of their relationship happened as a result of her actions she would say "see I told you he didn't love me".
Granted you and I could see that this behavior was the wrong way to "prove her father's love", she saw it as the only way and still does to this day. You can try to talk to her and explain to her that her father does indeed love her in his own unique way. She may even agree that her way of "proving it" is a convoluted way yet she doesn't really believe it inside. This is proven time and time again as she continues to sabotage her relationship with her father regardless of what he may or may not do. All the positive "good aspects" of their relationship are viewed as "staged attempts" by him, in her mind.
When dealing with some similar thought process's of my DD #2, she needs to have an almost constant outward stimulus to feel wanted or loved. She needs to be doing something physical almost every day because when she has "down time" she begins to experience difficulties. As long as I can keep her physically and/or mentally active whether it be going for what we call "sense walks" or hiking in the woods or collecting rocks on the beach, she is pretty stable. She is always "looking for home" like Dorothy, when what she is looking for can be found inside her. She desires a centering of her being, being happy with what or who she is.
My DD #2 is very much a creative, "artsy type", mental person, trying to "find herself". No one can do this for her but by keeping things going for her allows her to experience different things. We take what we find, whether it is rocks from the beach or items in nature like sticks and leaves, we bring them home and do something with them. We have painted rocks with either scenery or if the rock looks like something, we do that. We have taken nature items and arraigned them on the table with lighting and proceed to draw it. This allows her to use her mind and her creative side after some physical activity.
I try to have her experience things that are positive and productive so that she can be able to see, touch and feel things that she did. A positive thing that is tangible and can remind her of the good that she can do when she puts her mind to it. My DD #2 has an issue with placing blame on others for her own actions instead of taking responsibility for herself. I pray that if we can show her enough of the good she can and will do when she puts her creativity to work, then the negative behavior will fall to the wayside.
Both of my DD 's have issues that many of us have on any given day. The difference in someone who has MI is that you don't just "get over it" or "out grow it" as if it is a phase. People with MI truly and whole heartily believe it to be true. It may take months or years of repeated positive behavior before one realizes this as faulty thinking. In some this may never be reached but we continue to try, day after day, week after week, month after month. Praying and hoping for that day to come when "light dawns on bedrock".
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