Can You Stop A Sneeze?

       Everyone knows what it feels like when you have to sneeze, right? You can feel it coming before you actually sneeze. You feel the proverbial tickle in the back of your nose. You sometimes get that "I'm gonna sneeze" look like in the picture above. I have even felt and looked this way for up to a minute before the sneeze actually builds up enough to be a successful sneeze.
       Does a sneeze actually have a purpose? Yes, it most certainly does. It is your body's way of reacting to a foreign object in your system. When it senses that there is something in your airways that doesn't belong there, like pollen, a common reason for sneezing. Your body needs to expel that" invader" in a quick manner. Sneezing is your bodies way to do just this.
       You may have a second or two before you sneeze that you feel "it coming on" and sometimes you have a minute or two. Regardless of the amount of time you have, you don't try to stop it because you know it is going to come eventually, right? I mean we all know what purpose a sneeze is doing so why stop a good thing.
        Like a sneeze, where there is a "force" that is built up and then escapes the body with such force, your whole body usually reacts to it happening, that same thing can be said about bp rages. The individual with bp can "feel" things being built up inside prior to a "rage", yet they have no means to prevent it from coming to pass. There were years I believed I could change their behavior by positive reinforcement with no luck. I didn't understand how they could not control their actions, I mean even when I was mad as all heck, I still have a choice to act or not act.
       That mechanism is not as easy to activate when you have MI as it is when you have no MI. I have stated before how we all have a build it gauge that tells you to run and to stand your ground in certain situations. When you have MI, you can see the signs that things are getting hot. The steam flows from your mouth usually in forms of vulgarity and threats. You can see the "water almost at a boil" by the hands clenching or someone hitting a wall or throwing things.
       When the gauge is broken, there is no "off button" or "easy button", no way to "turn it off" even though you can see it coming to a head. This is one of the many reasons why people with MI have such a hard time with it. They can see it coming but there is nothing they can do to stop it. This however does not mean it has to continue. There are ways to "control" it to a point. Medication slows down the thought process of that is needed to make the upward climb to rage.
      If you can slow down that process so it takes an hour to reach the "melting point" rather then seconds, there is time in which those around them can see the signs and change the outcome. It gives you the ability to get PRN meds into the individual to prevent rages or you can utilize coping mechanisms to lessen the chance of a blow up. We may not be able to totally stop it but we can lessen the blow and effect of it.

The Cross

       When you look at a cross on top of a church, it usually means something different for everyone. To some it may symbolize things, or burdens, that we may feel we need to carry around with us, like when Jesus carried his cross through the town on His way to Golgotha. Some may look at the cross and remember that Jesus died for all of our sins. Others may even see absolutely nothing in a cross except that it is a religious symbol.
        For me the cross means soo many things I can not even begin to express them all so that others can understand it, but I will share a few of them. When I look at a cross like in the picture above that a photographed in my hometown, you can see some tree blossoms in the frame. That in itself is showing the beauty that the Lord has placed on this earth to give us pleasure to look at and smell.
        At times when I am under a lot of stress and it is effecting my mood, then the cross reminds me of God's saving grace and mercy for us. I am comforted by the realization that He is always there for us regardless of the issue we are in. He will not leave you nor forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6). He will always be there for me even in death.
       The last example I am going to share with you is the knowledge that I can bring anything before God and leave it at the cross. That means anything regardless of whether it was my sinful ways or if it was a burden in my life, I could just give it all to Him. This meant a relief from something that no one else could ever be able to do here on this earth.
        No matter what I have gone through or that my children have gone through, God has been there right beside me, waiting. Waiting for me to just say the words. He is a gentleman and will not go where He is not wanted, yet He will patiently wait for us to cry out to Him. Ready in a minute to take our burdens and carry them as they were His own.
       This is what takes me day to day, week to week, month by month. This is also the reason why my key verse in my life if Phillipians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." With Him beside me and even carrying me at times, is the only reason why I am still sane today. Even with the difficult news I got today, I can face it only with His Mercy, Grace, Peace and Love.

Wall Flowers

       Do you remember those kids back in High School that always sat next to the wall, out of peoples way? Sitting there praying to God that no one talks to them or points them out. The ones who just want to blend into the wall and become a wall flower. Watching, waiting and looking out for the next thing to happen. Have you ever wondered what was going through their head, what they were thinking? Or were you one of the many who ignored them or didn't even see them sitting there?
       Some of them are quiet because they do not think they have anything to offer, that their opinion doesn't matter. Some may even think that because they do not know anyone else in the room, fear stops them for joining in the conversation or activity. Maybe it is because they have been hurt before in a similar atmosphere and do not want to be hurt again? It could even be just because they are shy, plain and simple.
       Regardless of the reason behind the "why" people do what they do, there is one common thing in all of these reasons. That common denominator is fear. Fear of speaking up or voicing what is inside. Fear that they are not as good as other people even when others see clear as day that they are. Fear that what they say actually matters and can make a difference.
       Like the tulip above, we are all fragile and delicate. Yes even you men are whether you want to admit it or not. There is a soft spot in everyone and when that is hit upon, we see the outward expression of it. Many times with the male gender, it is seen as anger or physical reaction. With the female gender, it is often expressed though tears.
       Regardless of who it is or why 'seclusion" is utilized, it is all the same. Acceptance of who the person is regardless of outward appearance or gender. We need to make a point to try and help those individuals, help them feel more comfortable. Include them in conversation and show them that they are worth listening to. That their opinion matters, that they themselves matter. So wipe away the fear and step out, reach out to the wall flowers in your life. Who knows what a difference you can make in someone else's life.
      

Nature vs. Nurture

       Sitting on a park bench watching the children run and play, squealing with laughter and not having a care in the world. Swinging on swings, sliding down the curly slides with hair out straight because of static cling. Yelling for friends to come and join you and running from structure to structure. Seeing even the youngest ones sitting in the "baby swings" with a smile on their face and their legs kicking back and forth.
       When you are sitting and watching them play, your not sitting there wondering about where they will be in 20 years. Your not worried about their future or even if they will graduate from High School. These things never come to mind of a parent with young healthy kids. Times are easy and you just want to enjoy the moment you are in watching your child being a kid.
       When my DD #2 was about 7 years old, I started seeing that she was a dare devil, she liked doing high adrenalin things. She was a handful from time to time but I always felt it was just a little bit of ADHD but it was manageable, for the time being. She had always been a very active child, right from birth and it just became more prevalent as time went on. It wasn't until my children hit puberty did the issues really show their ugly faces.
       Once my DD #1 and #2 hit puberty, it was as if I walked though a doorway that closed and locked upon entry. Why did they change so much? Was it nature or nurture? Can I do anything to stop this from occurring again? Could have I prevented MI from touching our family? Will they ever be able to have a "normal life"? These questions plague my mind and yet they have no real, tride and true answers.
       We can never revisit the pre-pubescent days before MI no matter how much I yearn for it. I can sit here looking at the pictures from happier days or I can try to make some new memories during the times of stability.  Cherish the times when their faces are smiling and laughter fills the air. Until the day when God heals my DD's from their MI, I will hold onto His promises of better days.

Innocence Lost

       Think back to when you were a young teenager and the friendships you had developed. Who you spent most of your free time together. What you did with each other and what you can still remember years later that still makes you smile. Those are usually the years you wish you could revisit, to feel that way again.
       Riding on a roller coaster and screaming your fool head off? How about the lazy days at the beach looking at cute guys/girls you can only dream about? How about "TP"ing a friends house and getting caught because they were tipped off you were coming and got you with a lawn hose? Or those crazy scavenger hunts you go on to pass some time?
       I remember around the age of 14 finally being able to bike ride to my friends house from church who lived two towns away. It would take me almost an hour to bike to her house and I did it all the time, without even batting an eye (to do that today would prob give me a coronary). Everyday we did have school we would get together it didn't matter if it was raining or sunny, we did it. People at our church used to call us twins connected at the hip, because when you saw one the other wasn't far behind.
       In addition to being together as much as we could living in separate towns, we experienced a lot of "firsts" together. Not all of those were good ones but still we shared these things together. Think about a few of your childhood friends and what you did with them. You shared joys and dreams, fears and worries, Some may have even continued into your adult life. I know my best friend and I got married the same year. We were pregnant three times together (and no these things were not planned, they just happened).
       Now if you take those memories and choose just one of your friends and erase all the memories associated with that friend. Doing so may sadden you but that is ok because everyone has had more then one friend and other memories to think on, right? What if you took another friend off your list and your memories? How many more memories does that take away? How many more friends did you have? 2, 4, 6 more that you can think about to fill your memories?
       What if you erased all of your childhood friends and the memories that go with them? What would you have left then? Your school days with no one to talk to or maybe that are filled with people giving you strange looks? Maybe it leaves the hard days trying to figure out why no one will hang with you anymore?
It leaves days filled with playing things over and over in your head because you have no one to unload the horrible day you had.
       What do you think this would do to a person? What would it do to a teenager? How about a teen transitioning into High School? Lets add a MI teen entering High School? Now lets add one more tidbit of info here............try a teen in their last weeks of Middle School who has just been told by her best friends that they can't be her friends because she is having problems with her MI?
        Life is not always fair for many teens, it is a tough time with hormones and emotions. Life for a MI teen is even harder. It is no wonder to me why so many MI people commit suicide when these things happen. I have a hard time dealing with my own emotions when things like this happen. I understand and do not blame those who react like this because I know the reason people act this way is because of ignorance toward MI.
        In the same sense it breaks my heart to see a child hurt like this. The fake smile they put on their faces while they say "Its ok, I don't need them anyway." or "well that is a load off my back". The mask that hides the deep down hurt inside them to those around but that can not truly hide from a parent. The pain that shows on their face when they think no one is looking.

Decisions, decisions, decisions

       As a parent I seek out things that I see are the best for my children. The best cloths I can afford, the best schools to attend, the best programs to be apart of. We all want the best for our children, right? Why would we wish and strive for all the best things yet be expected to be exempt from a decisions that could potentially be life changing for your child?
       Many agency's and organizations that are out there for the MI population, do just that. The "you do it our way" type of cookie cutter help is not always in the best interest of our MI, specially with our children. When it comes to the issue's that MI individuals deal with, like I have stated before, is not a hard science. Everyone is different thus every treatment plan is different. Also what treatment plan works today may not work in a month or two or a year from now. Our bodies are constantly changes thus the treatment plan must change as well.
       The typical cookie cutter type treatment is "the old school method" of treatment and we have found that this does not work for most people. Just because a method does not always work it is hard to get a system to change its way of how they provide services after years of working this way. In order to change how things work, we need to fight for change.
       We need to educate professionals, employee's that deal with MI individuals and others who have an impact on what goes on within companies. We need to get the word out about MI and the importance behind family being involved in the decision making and treatment. Who knows the person with MI the best, but the family. We spend the most time with them and know all the little do's and dont's of the person. Don't take away our voice and choice, it is important to us and our loved ones.

Verbal Vomit

       I was going to originally going to write about different fears people have but I changed my mind. I am going to instead write about a strong emotional response that controls many of us more then we want to admit. I personally hate this particular response so much that I will go out of my way to avoid it. The thing I hate with such passion is tears.
       Due to different reasons I hate to cry. I hate why I cry at times and I hate the tears themselves (as if they have any say it coming or not). Some feel that tears are a way for the body to release pent up emotions or stress. Some say tears are good for you and are in a way healing. Some feel that tears are a sign of weakness and yet others see it as a sign of strengh. Yet others see them as being humble or of vulnerability.
      I believe that many of these are true when it involves or happens to others but not me. I know this is a really messed up way of seeing things but who ever said I was "normal" (LOLOL not me that's for sure). The way I was raised and my family life growing up, plays a role in why I think the way I do. Since becoming an adult and taking the classes I have taken for my degree is why there is the conflict in my thought process regarding crying.
       As a child, if you showed emotions or tears, your "spanking" always resulted in more hits when you cried out or showed tears. It was not a spoken thing, just something you learned real quick in a hurry. If you did not cry or cry out loud, it was over faster. I learned that no matter how bad it was, you held it in check. This meant physical pain as well as emotional, it didn't matter. Tears were tears.
       As an adult I understood why tears were both good and productive but I just couldn't bring myself to accept them as ok within myself. As I sit here almost 27 years since the last "spanking" I had to endure I still continue to struggle with the tears. Totally stressed out beyond anything I have had to deal with so far, I sit here fighting the tears that are building up. Fighting such strong emotions to sink back into SI (self-injurious) behaviors I try to hold onto the training I have had. Reaching out instead to put my feelings to print in hopes that reading it myself can put it all into perspective.
       Don't worry about me sinking back into those days because my children mean too much to me for this to happen. They are my world and I would never do anything that may hurt them in anyway and that includes my behaviors as well. I need to seek out and figure a way for my feelings to get out there so they stop eating me up inside. So here is what I like to call my verbal vomit. Dumping out everything in hopes to feel better, LOL. Sorry, did I get some on your shoes???