Bailing Out

       The waters come and go in our lives. With each rising storm, you never know how high the waters will get. With each new storm in life, it becomes increasingly harder and harder to weather them. You feel like your slowly drowning and like there is no rescue boat in sight. It's like treading turbulent waters with rescuers all around throwing out life lines but they are just out of your reach.
        I was stuck in that scenario yesterday with no idea what we could do. I had reached my boiling point and ready to blow. The end of my sanity rope and it was quickly fraying. Ready to break into tears at the drop of a dime. I couldn't even write a simple prayer request without tears blurring my vision. Just thinking about what was going on and what was to come, started the flow all over again.
        It is very depressing when you reach this point with a loved one. You see no way out nor do you see an end in sight. Even though I believe in the Lord and believe that He would never give you something you could not handle with His help, it sometimes is not enough. I am not sure if this means this is a lack of faith issue or if it is a normal feeling that all encounter from time to time. Maybe it is even a test to see if I do have faith or if I bail at the difficult times. Who really know.
          I personally do not like these times because my mind wonders and I do not like where it goes. I begin to think that I am not a good parent. I recall some comments made to me over the years and wonder "could those really be true?" I get so tired and worn down that I even consider giving up on my child because nothing is seeming to work at turning her around. I'm even not sure how much I can give her when there is nothing left in me to give.
          It is a hard reality sometimes, to admit your at rock bottom in all areas. The reserve tank is no longer full to dip from. This blog in itself has taken me several days to write, from start to finish, and it continues to be a very challenging time for my DD and myself. I had to sign her into a facility for the 6th time in the last 10 months. I can in all honesty say it is just as hard to sign those papers the first time as it is the 6th time. I don't know how long she will be gone this time, I pray it is short lived but no one really knows.
          I just have to learn to release EVERYTHING to God, even my doubts and fears, everyday. Every hour. and if need be, every minute.

Brick Wall or Going Strong?

         

          Ever feel like you are running against the wind? Feel like no matter how hard you try that it seems like one step forward, two steps back? Better yet, do you feel like you would have better results if you were to bash your head against a brick wall? Sometimes this is what it is like when you are dealing with a MI individual who is unstable. There is no chance at reasoning with them. You try and try with very little results because your loved one is portraying that ever so common illusion that they do not care. This is a common coping mechanisum that MI individuals use. The whole "I don't care" attitude is a way to show others the walls that have been built inside for protection. To those who can tell the difference between the walls and the true none caring attitude of adolencence is not always the easiest thing to deal with. You have to carefully get past those walls without reinforcing them.
         Too many times, well meaning people try to get past those walls with battering rams and billy clubs. These attempts a good percentage of the time just blows up in their faces and just shows the MI individual that they can not be trusted. Getting past the walls takes time, patience and a little bit of TLC. One needs to get to know the person in addition to the situation in which the meeting took place. Trying to move too fast and digging too deep will almost always result in failure, resentment and/or the brick wall refortification.
          Being the mother of two MI children, I have got way too many hours under my belt with defensive moves and even more with offensive moves. I choose my battles very carefully and it sometimes rubs me raw as a parent. I have to choose with wisdom and understanding that I may at some point be able to regain control of my household. It takes a lot out of someone to loosen the reigns when you can see the outcome of poor choices. Its all I can do to not try to "save" my children from the effects of their choices. My DD #2 wanted so bad to walk out the door the other day, all puffed up and mad at the world. I had to stop her and remind her what the outcome would be to walking out verses staying at home. I had to be prepared to act on her choices and follow through with what I had to do, no matter how much I wanted to just protect her.
          I know this is part of being a parent and loving the children God made for you. He knew what you can handle with His help. I also know that some children can be defiant and hard to handle but there is a difference between a typical teen and a teen with MI, I have gone into this before so will not revisit it again. I just wish there was a manual or a book of suggestions and ideas in dealing with MI children. I also know that not every thing will work every time so maybe a book or manual would not be a good idea other then give you a list of things you had not thought of. I feel like I am talking in circles here so I think it is time to end this entry. Good luck to those who are struggling as I am. Be good to yourself and those you love. Go forward with the wisdom God has placed within you and always smile.

Justice?

          Imagine this, your at home and you get a call that you never thought you would get. The call is from your local emergency personal and your at a loose as to what to say. Your child had marched out of your door less then two hours ago angry and wanting to go for a walk to cool off. Now your child is in some serious trouble. Your child had done something that they would never had done had they not been so upset. You knew your child was not thinking and instead acting on adrenaline and emotion, but how can you explain that to them. How can you make them understand about your child. Your child is not the monster that everyone else thinks they are. Too many things float through a parents head when their child is in trouble.
          When my DD #2 got into some tough situation with our local emergency personal, there were many unfavorable comments made by individuals that had no idea what had transpired beyond what the local paper had stated. I know that papers need to sensationalize stories to keep the readers coming back and that in itself needs to change as well. They leave out the information regarding MI but yet they made sure to state that their were previous dealing with my DD #2. The paper did not elaborate that the previous dealing had nothing to do with any type of illegal activity nor did they mention that the previous dealings were getting an ambulance to get treatment for my DD #2.
          What the paper did not fail to say was how old my DD #2 was and what road we lived on, which I am pretty sure is borderline on legal where she is a minor. Granted her name was not mentioned but anyone who knows who lives on our road would know who the paper was talking about. Is that very fair to my DD #2, who has to live in this town? Is it fair to my DD #2 siblings? Now in addition to my DD having to deal with her MI she also has to deal with the name calling and the harassment by other children.
          The age old saying....."sticks and stone may break my bones but names will never hurt me" is soo not true in today's world. When my DD #2 came home in tears because another child was going around telling everyone to stay away from my DD #2 because she is dangerous, was something she was not prepared for. Heck it wasn't something I was prepared for. This was a "boo boo" I couldn't "kiss and make all better". This was something that is going to stick with her. Granted the school handled it and put a stop to it but the damage is already done. What a way to start off High School with.
          Now going back to the training of the emergency personal, if this was put into place then the information that was given to the news paper, would not have happened. It would have just been a little blurb in the police logs area. If the story was never written up as it was then the child's parents would not have put one and one together and known it was my DD. Then my DD would have been spared the harassment by this other child and looked forward to High School like any other teenager.
          It is sad how society has a way of twisting things around and thinking that this is the way things should be. My DD and I did not wish for this to be front page news and be the "talk of the town" but we were. 75% of that talk was not positive nor did these individuals fully understand what even happened. What is even sadder then this is the fact that there were people who not only trashed my DD in their online version that was posted hours after the incident, they trashed our whole family. The funny thing is that after I commented to all of the other comments that bashed me as a parent and how I raised my child, not one single comment was made. I did not bash any of the commenter's nor did I call them names like they did to us. I simply answered their questions within reason and asked them a few of my own. When one is faced with the plain and simple truth, no one seems to have anything more to say.
            So remember this............when you are faced with adversity, think before you act or speak. Think about what will happen by what you say. Anger and uninformed reactions can cause some harm that could be avoided. Think of who will be affected by what you say or do, it may touch someone close to you.

MI or Not?

 

        Thinking along the lines of how our judicial system works has more then once baffled me. It is there for the people to be able to set up a case as to why something was done wrongfully or not. It is there to be a non bias member to make a decision on whether something is legal or not. It is there to make sure justice is served. What many don't understand is that this same system that is meant to protect and to serve our people is also the same system that is sometimes unfair to MI individuals. It locks up people in jails and institutions where the proper mental health issues do not make it into the picture. It is a system that unless it changes how it works that the jails and prisons will soon be inundated with MI people that will only get worse the longer that their MI goes un-checked. Then when they are released back into society, they are worse off then when they went in. Then what will we do in society........we will send them right back into jail.

          I have never been one to have any interest at all in the judicial system. It is confusing to me because I have been ignorant to it. Until now. I just completed a nine month ordeal with the courts system. I have learned so much in these nine months that I am some what more knowledgeable in some aspects of it and even more confused in others. I have not been able to share on this while we were in the process of it but now I can now that it is over, to a point.

          Even when an individual is known to have MI, they are treated no differently then a common criminal. Don't get me wrong here, I believe that MI individuals need to abide by the same laws as everyone else but they need to be handled differently then the average person in order to get the same desired result. If they are not handled properly then a situation can become escalated to dangerous levels for all involved very quickly.

          There needs to be more training for emergency personal in dealing with crisis situation involving known MI individuals as well as suspected ones. They need to learn to see the signs of MI and basic skills in dealing with them these types of individuals. It will make their jobs a lot easier and will allow these individuals to get the correct help needed so that it can be a win win situation for all involved.

          Before this can happen we need to come to an understand though. Emergency people need to understand that MI individuals are not trying to "get away with murder" (figuratively speaking) and want to be treated differently, per say. People need to understand that when someone is unstable, they do things that normally they would not do if they were stable. The goal at that point is to safely remove the MI individual to a safe and secure place for all involved.

          Because of our dealings with the police and court system in the past nine months it has lite a fire under my pants to change who our local emergency personal handle MI individuals. I am on a mission to get Crisis Intervention Teams (CIT) set up in our town and towns around us. These teams will be comprised of emergency personal that have had some basic training on how to deal with MI and the most beneficial ways to handle situations. This is not going to be an easy job to get this type of program into the hands of people who want to see change. If someone doesn't try to get things to improve how MI individuals are treated and handled then their quality of life will diminish. Is this what we want in life, to chastise and hinder these people or do we want to help them? You decide.

Worry?

        Here I sit, thinking, pondering, surmising what tomorrow may bring. Will it bring freedom from the hindering thoughts? Will it bring sadness and fear? Will it bring an over whelming grief? Not knowing is driving me crazy! Too many possibilities and nothing I can do about it. I can't stop it from happening nor can I make it go the way I want it too. All I can do is wait and pray for His will to be done. To trust that He will be with us no matter what. He will comfort and hold us till the tears of joy or sadness run dry. He is our one and only comforter and healer. Sometimes I wonder though why we go through what we go through.

        I know we are not supposed to question God nor the ways in which He chooses to work. Is it wrong then to question why? The bible states that we are not to worry about things (Mt 6:25) does this include a healthy fear for our children? These are just some of what I am struggling with tonight. Fear and anxiety are running rampant in my mind. Running so much that it is making me sick to my stomach.

        Normally I do not struggle with this. Normally I am cool as a cucumber in the face of adversity. Tonight though it all hits very close to home. Can I pull the mat out from under these fears and make it crumble at His feet? Yes I most certainly can. This is where my faith is faltering. Putting these fears at His feet and trying to take them with me at the same time.

        When a storm is brewing and your watching it coming closer and closer to you. Growing in size and severity with each step. All you can do is manage and plan for the worst scenario and pray that is enough. You can't do anything to stop the storm from coming to pass. You can't change its direction/path it will take. You can't change what damage it will do.

         Even healthy individuals will succumb to damage at some degree. Some damage will not be seen by the naked eye. Some may only be seen by a trained eye or a discerning eye. Others may be as blatant as the sky is blue. This tree above was a healthy young tree, yet it crumbled under pressure of the winds. No one knew it would happen because it was young and strong. Yet there was nothing that could have been done.

         I am not sure if I too will crack under the pressure. I have faith enough to know that my Lord will carry me through this difficult time but that does not mean I will not worry. Yet in the same sense I wonder, by holding onto this worry, am I saying that God is not big enough to carry it Himself for me? I don't think so but the nagging thoughts that I am not trusting in Him enough still linger. Prayer and faith go a long way. I pray daily that I can release things to God and one of these days I will be able to fully trust in Him.

Lesser of Two Evils

           The last two weeks my DD# 2 and I have had to face some difficult choices. We have had to have some tough discussions and some one on one time to process things. She has gone from her cheery, active self and then to tears and wanting to be held. It has all been building within my DD #2 and my hearts for the past nine months and we have not even gotten to the hardest part yet.

          How do you explain adult things to a child so that they can understand? It's not an easy thing to do at all. There are some adults that would have a hard time with some of the things my DD #2 is going through. How do you have a child make an adult decision when they do not understand what is going on? Make a choice that could potentially change her life now as well as her adult life?

            How do you choose the lesser of two evils. How can you choose whether your child will be bitten by this spider, or burned with the below flame or to be stung by the lower bee? All three will hurt and all three could change her life if it is bad enough. How do you choose which one to pick? How could you be sure that your child was not allergic to this type of spider or to the bee? Yes they would probably live through a burn by this flame but it would scar her for life. How can a caring, loving parent choose which injury they will allow their child to deal with.

         I am actually at a loss for words here. I have finally come to a stand still with this and not knowing what to say. I have finally hit a plateau in my knowledge about MI and how to deal with this new thing. We have forty eight hours to decide what we are going to do. My brain is wracked with so many things right now, it hurts. What if I go with the spider and she is allergic to it. What about the bee? Is there an allergy there as well? If I choose the flame, this would surely leave her with scars for life. Do I do the flame because I rest assured knowing she will not die from that? Will I hate myself if I choose the lesser of the evils and it turns out to be the worst choose of all and I loose my kid because of the choice I made? Man do I wish there was a magic wand that we as parents could wave over our children as they are sleeping. A wand that would make all of the trouble of today into the victories of yesterday. Many kids don't get to choose what is best for them. Things are chosen for them by adults.

                                                                          So for those of you who are reading this, please keep us in prayer in the next few weeks. Pray that God will be done regardless of what we end up choosing. He will keep us safe, willing and able to handle anything that the devil dishes out to us.

Heart to Heart: pt 3

          My DD #1 wants this book to be a book of success. Success at overcoming abuse and adversity and the road she took to get there. The joys and the heartaches as well as the supports needed to be an over comer. She wants other children to be able to find out that they are not the only ones struggling with this.
         In talking with my DD #1 regarding this book, I was able to take this time to chat frankly with her. Share some of my heart with her and to show her how proud I am with the fact that she is taking a struggle within her life and turn it into a good outcome. I also took this time to be able to explain to her what she is getting into when sharing about something that is so dear to her heart. The dangers of sharing intimate details of her life.
          I was able to also share with her what I went through in regards to the healing process. How it took years for me to reach where she is today. How it wasn't until just 3 years ago that I was finally able to forgive this neighbor of what he did. Also how it wasn't until my father's dieing days did I realize that I had missed so much with my father because of the resentment and anger I held onto. Yet even with the forgiveness I verbalized it still took another year or so before I would allow myself to truly walk in that forgiveness.
          Not until about 2 years ago that I was finally able to give ALL of my ill feelings and harbored secrets to God and not turn around and pick it back up again a day or a week later. I was able to share with her that it is not only important to verbalize forgiveness and see it as something that will come in time. As you come to the belief that you desire forgiveness, verbalize it and live in it, will you truly be free from its grasp.
          This heart to heart time was not without difficulty because I also believe there are just some things I will not share with my children. Things that will not help them or give them strengh to get through adversity. With this being said, there were somethings I just refused to share. I was however able to share some of my thoughts and feelings toward my abuser as well as my father.
          The regrets I now have toward my own actions and anger that I held on for so many years. The sorrow toward my children not really being able to bond with their grandparents and their cousins. The running I did for so many years to put space between myself and my family due to the abuse I endured as a child. Granted now they have been given the opportunity to do such things, I regret that it took my fathers death before it happened and it still took 5 more years before I moved back home. It took that long because I went from not having respect for my father, even in death, to allowing myself to move past it and truly forgive him and myself for all those years.
          I am praying that through this book, my DD #1 can get to that point sooner then I did. I don't want her to miss out on everything like I did. Missing out on the time that she can never get back. To move past the abuse and come out a victor. It is also this abuse that we both have gone through that we were able to have this heart to heart talk. The time will come when she can do this with others and help them get through it as she and I did.