Tug Of War

          Lately life has been like a long game of tug of war. A battle of wits, relationships and life in general. When you have a child with MI all relationships get harder and harder to maintain and nearly impossible to start. What friends you may have may be lost by the way side when difficulties seem to flood in day after day, week after week. Well meaning friends just don't see the MI after time but only the behaviors that linger.
          Your torn between the children that you love and the few friends that have stuck by you. Wanting so desperately, the relationships that others have the luxury to enjoy. Sit around and have coffee on a nice sunny summer day. Nice leisurely walk on the beach. Even a passing conversation where you have a smile on your face and honesty on your tongue.
           Listening to their well meaning suggestions that are only spoken out of a well meaning heart that only a friend could say. Even these words become harder and harder to listen to without saying a word. The words cut into your already bruised mind like a finely sharpened blade.
          Too many times, well wishers just make matters worse. The once welcome friends make you cringe and struggle with just being in their presence. Things you once looked forward to become something you deal with. Feeling like an outsider when all you want is to be accepted and understood. The tug of war goes on with yet another thing to battle.
          The tug of war is not only in reference to friendships, it encompasses every aspect of life. As MI takes up more and more time and energy, things like your job can suffer. Being called away during your work day becomes more and more. Your co workers become burdened when you are called away. What do you do? Deal with work or your child? For me, this is a no brainer, children win ever time.
          There are some out there that do not have this choice. There are those out there that can not deal with the loneliness of MI. I consider myself as one who is strong through the tough times. God has blessed me with His grace and peace to carry through yet there are still times I have doubt. Doubt that His love is unfailing or not quite enough. Those times are tests for my endurance and strength. A test of my faith for Him.

Love........

       Love.......what is love? According to Websters Dictionary there are 9 definitions for this word. For the terms of this particular post we will talk about the love involved with two  individuals, a relationship. Love is such a simple word and a somewhat simple meaning. Websters defines love as "an attraction based on sexual desire; affection based on admiration". This is the desire to be with one that you hold highly in your life, someone whom you feel some strong emotions for.

       Too many times people act as though they are in love, say they are in love but yet that love is no where to be found when it is most needed. Some are quick to call something love when it is not really there. Love can be a tricky thing sometimes. Affection is sometimes misread as love. Lust is another one that is commonly mistaken as Love.

       The reason I bring up the topic of love is that most ppl who suffer from MI have issues with Love, both in means of affection and also in true love. Someone, particularly with BP, will have issues with exhibiting love as well as maintaining a loving relationship. Even the most loving individuals and/or couples bend when faced with instability. This not only will effect the couple but those around the couple.

       I personally have given up on finding my true love, heck even a passing love. My life is so absorbed in my DD's lives that my personal life is on hold, indefinitely. Im sure that in time as my DD's grow and hopefully live on their own, I can have a "normal" dating life and even find that one for me, who knows? I also pray that my DD's will be able to find their true loves despite their MI's.

       My prayer for them is to be bale to live life to the fullest and with someone who really truly loves them. The number of divorces are astronomical for ppl with MI. Their only hope is to find that one who can love them even when they do not love themselves. My sister has found just that man in her life, I was not so lucky. So until I can find that one, I wish my children have better luck then I.

Misunderstanding

       When someone does not know all the facts or the situation fully, there leaves a lot of room for misunderstandings regarding a situation. Like in this picture to the left, is this a joyous moment or a upsetting time for this girl? The facial feature suggests that it is a solemn, serious time yet her dress suggests a happy time. Who is to say what is surrounding this little girls day. Rest assured that this girls day was a joyous one, it was the day her father married his second wife. The photographer wanted it to be a sweet picture that she will remember the day and how she felt to be shown even years later.

     Too many times people misread a situation by looking at the facts and not what was motivating the behavior. My DD #2 is dealing with just that in the court system. The lawyers involved are taking the facts of her case without looking at why she did what she did to get herself in trouble with the law. Too many times we look at just part of a situation and refuse to see the other side.

     This week we found out that my DD #2's past issues are being brought to the table in addition to her current issues. So instead of her facing just two issues, we are facing twelve. What a burden to place of a young teens shoulders. The judge in this case has voiced his opinion regarding the lawyers petition and without really saying so, has reprimanded the lawyer for asking the past to be placed with the present.

      Granted I know that it is the lawyers job to make a case out of facts and paint a picture of the events, no matter how unreasonable the charges are. Too many times innocent behaviors are blown way out of proportion or misunderstood because the background knowledge is not looked at. Even hearing the facts of a case from a medical or mental health side of things, the lawyer may just brush it too the side and refuse to look at it because it would hurt their side of the story.

     Why do things like this have to happen? Why would someone put a child with documented MI be put though this type of situation? Too many out there don't even think MI is really a true defense nor will they every accept that as a point of view. With this being said, a person with significant MI will never get a fair case/trial. It is placed on the shoulders of the lawyers that do believe in MI cases to defend them. No matter how much documentation one has may not be enough though. Misunderstandings can really hurt more then just the MI persons life. It can affect all those around them who love them. Keep this in mind the next time you may see someone doing something odd or weird. Don't be so quick to judge because you do not know the whole picture.

Inherited Genes

          BP disorder is not something that one chooses to have nor is it something that is preventable. You can not get BP disorder because of some kind of trauma, it is something you are born with. Looking back to the infant years of my DD#2, I can now see the difficulties she had as a child in relationship to her ADHD and BP. The inability to to deal with being still, we nic named her our perpetual motion baby. As a toddler and young child I remember wanting to pull my own hair out due to her risk taking behavior. Playing "Pirate" on top of the refrigerator with a large butcher knife or the times she would ride her bike full stream into a large boulder just so she could "fly" threw the air over her handle bars when she smashed into it.
          Just as I see things in her earlier years, I remember times in my younger life where I too did risky behaviors. Setting fires in bushes, walking on top of chain linked fences or climbing up too far into trees. Granted all of these things I listed can be normal childhood behavior by themselves and should not been taken as "signs of mental illness". One needs to look at the broader picture, several incidents grouped together paints the picture. Like in a picture, one line does not make a picture but many lines do.
          As my DD's #2 & 3 got to be a teenagers, they got harder to deal with. The behaviors were no longer something I could manage without medical intervention. Yes they saw their counselors every week but that was not enough. Because BP is a brain disorder, the chemicals in the brain are "off kilter" and medication supplements are what is needed to achieve long term stability. Yes you can go months and even years without medication but at some point your number is going to come up.
         I, like my children, have BP as well as several others in my family line. I was dxed when I was 18 with Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD), which is now called BP disorder. I went for many years without medication until the stresses of raising children got to be too much, and I went on medication. Shortly after my marriage of 7 years ended, I just didn't have the time to go to a counselor between working, college and raising three kids, so I stopped taking my medication. I thought I would be fine without my meds and didn't even think twice about it.
         I managed to achieve stability without medication for almost 10 years with diet, exercise and plenty of sleep, but that did not last. When I began to have legal issues with my DD #2, my life came crashing down around me. I could no longer keep my head above water and I had to go back on medication almost a year ago. I could feel myself going down a long slippery slope and I knew what was at the bottom. I wasn't willing to allow my children to suffer because I was being overwhelmed with grief and depression.
         Medication is not the end all of supports needed for someone with BP. Stability is so very important and sometimes difficult to maintain. One has to want stability for it to work and until that desire is seen and strive for, stability will not come. There is a fine line when it comes to just being stable and being happy and stable. Medication can only do so much for you and then its all up to you to change your thinking, your actions and your own fulfillment in life. So go out there are strive for a full life with or without whether you suffer from MI or not. Make reachable goals and then achieve them and live life to the fullest.

Bailing Out

       The waters come and go in our lives. With each rising storm, you never know how high the waters will get. With each new storm in life, it becomes increasingly harder and harder to weather them. You feel like your slowly drowning and like there is no rescue boat in sight. It's like treading turbulent waters with rescuers all around throwing out life lines but they are just out of your reach.
        I was stuck in that scenario yesterday with no idea what we could do. I had reached my boiling point and ready to blow. The end of my sanity rope and it was quickly fraying. Ready to break into tears at the drop of a dime. I couldn't even write a simple prayer request without tears blurring my vision. Just thinking about what was going on and what was to come, started the flow all over again.
        It is very depressing when you reach this point with a loved one. You see no way out nor do you see an end in sight. Even though I believe in the Lord and believe that He would never give you something you could not handle with His help, it sometimes is not enough. I am not sure if this means this is a lack of faith issue or if it is a normal feeling that all encounter from time to time. Maybe it is even a test to see if I do have faith or if I bail at the difficult times. Who really know.
          I personally do not like these times because my mind wonders and I do not like where it goes. I begin to think that I am not a good parent. I recall some comments made to me over the years and wonder "could those really be true?" I get so tired and worn down that I even consider giving up on my child because nothing is seeming to work at turning her around. I'm even not sure how much I can give her when there is nothing left in me to give.
          It is a hard reality sometimes, to admit your at rock bottom in all areas. The reserve tank is no longer full to dip from. This blog in itself has taken me several days to write, from start to finish, and it continues to be a very challenging time for my DD and myself. I had to sign her into a facility for the 6th time in the last 10 months. I can in all honesty say it is just as hard to sign those papers the first time as it is the 6th time. I don't know how long she will be gone this time, I pray it is short lived but no one really knows.
          I just have to learn to release EVERYTHING to God, even my doubts and fears, everyday. Every hour. and if need be, every minute.

Brick Wall or Going Strong?

         

          Ever feel like you are running against the wind? Feel like no matter how hard you try that it seems like one step forward, two steps back? Better yet, do you feel like you would have better results if you were to bash your head against a brick wall? Sometimes this is what it is like when you are dealing with a MI individual who is unstable. There is no chance at reasoning with them. You try and try with very little results because your loved one is portraying that ever so common illusion that they do not care. This is a common coping mechanisum that MI individuals use. The whole "I don't care" attitude is a way to show others the walls that have been built inside for protection. To those who can tell the difference between the walls and the true none caring attitude of adolencence is not always the easiest thing to deal with. You have to carefully get past those walls without reinforcing them.
         Too many times, well meaning people try to get past those walls with battering rams and billy clubs. These attempts a good percentage of the time just blows up in their faces and just shows the MI individual that they can not be trusted. Getting past the walls takes time, patience and a little bit of TLC. One needs to get to know the person in addition to the situation in which the meeting took place. Trying to move too fast and digging too deep will almost always result in failure, resentment and/or the brick wall refortification.
          Being the mother of two MI children, I have got way too many hours under my belt with defensive moves and even more with offensive moves. I choose my battles very carefully and it sometimes rubs me raw as a parent. I have to choose with wisdom and understanding that I may at some point be able to regain control of my household. It takes a lot out of someone to loosen the reigns when you can see the outcome of poor choices. Its all I can do to not try to "save" my children from the effects of their choices. My DD #2 wanted so bad to walk out the door the other day, all puffed up and mad at the world. I had to stop her and remind her what the outcome would be to walking out verses staying at home. I had to be prepared to act on her choices and follow through with what I had to do, no matter how much I wanted to just protect her.
          I know this is part of being a parent and loving the children God made for you. He knew what you can handle with His help. I also know that some children can be defiant and hard to handle but there is a difference between a typical teen and a teen with MI, I have gone into this before so will not revisit it again. I just wish there was a manual or a book of suggestions and ideas in dealing with MI children. I also know that not every thing will work every time so maybe a book or manual would not be a good idea other then give you a list of things you had not thought of. I feel like I am talking in circles here so I think it is time to end this entry. Good luck to those who are struggling as I am. Be good to yourself and those you love. Go forward with the wisdom God has placed within you and always smile.

Justice?

          Imagine this, your at home and you get a call that you never thought you would get. The call is from your local emergency personal and your at a loose as to what to say. Your child had marched out of your door less then two hours ago angry and wanting to go for a walk to cool off. Now your child is in some serious trouble. Your child had done something that they would never had done had they not been so upset. You knew your child was not thinking and instead acting on adrenaline and emotion, but how can you explain that to them. How can you make them understand about your child. Your child is not the monster that everyone else thinks they are. Too many things float through a parents head when their child is in trouble.
          When my DD #2 got into some tough situation with our local emergency personal, there were many unfavorable comments made by individuals that had no idea what had transpired beyond what the local paper had stated. I know that papers need to sensationalize stories to keep the readers coming back and that in itself needs to change as well. They leave out the information regarding MI but yet they made sure to state that their were previous dealing with my DD #2. The paper did not elaborate that the previous dealing had nothing to do with any type of illegal activity nor did they mention that the previous dealings were getting an ambulance to get treatment for my DD #2.
          What the paper did not fail to say was how old my DD #2 was and what road we lived on, which I am pretty sure is borderline on legal where she is a minor. Granted her name was not mentioned but anyone who knows who lives on our road would know who the paper was talking about. Is that very fair to my DD #2, who has to live in this town? Is it fair to my DD #2 siblings? Now in addition to my DD having to deal with her MI she also has to deal with the name calling and the harassment by other children.
          The age old saying....."sticks and stone may break my bones but names will never hurt me" is soo not true in today's world. When my DD #2 came home in tears because another child was going around telling everyone to stay away from my DD #2 because she is dangerous, was something she was not prepared for. Heck it wasn't something I was prepared for. This was a "boo boo" I couldn't "kiss and make all better". This was something that is going to stick with her. Granted the school handled it and put a stop to it but the damage is already done. What a way to start off High School with.
          Now going back to the training of the emergency personal, if this was put into place then the information that was given to the news paper, would not have happened. It would have just been a little blurb in the police logs area. If the story was never written up as it was then the child's parents would not have put one and one together and known it was my DD. Then my DD would have been spared the harassment by this other child and looked forward to High School like any other teenager.
          It is sad how society has a way of twisting things around and thinking that this is the way things should be. My DD and I did not wish for this to be front page news and be the "talk of the town" but we were. 75% of that talk was not positive nor did these individuals fully understand what even happened. What is even sadder then this is the fact that there were people who not only trashed my DD in their online version that was posted hours after the incident, they trashed our whole family. The funny thing is that after I commented to all of the other comments that bashed me as a parent and how I raised my child, not one single comment was made. I did not bash any of the commenter's nor did I call them names like they did to us. I simply answered their questions within reason and asked them a few of my own. When one is faced with the plain and simple truth, no one seems to have anything more to say.
            So remember this............when you are faced with adversity, think before you act or speak. Think about what will happen by what you say. Anger and uninformed reactions can cause some harm that could be avoided. Think of who will be affected by what you say or do, it may touch someone close to you.