Walled In? Walled Out?

          Sometimes I wonder about the walls that we all build around ourselves. Are they to keep others out? Are they to protect? Or are they to hide behind? Yet others still are there just ram our heads against in times of insanity!
          I feel like I stand before my wall, beating my head against it time and time again. Wondering why I keep doing so when it gets me nothing but a huge headache. Why do we as parents continue to beat our heads, trying to find solutions to problems that never seem to go away.
           Why do we continue to help those who do not want it? Do things for ppl who don't care if they ever change but demand that those around them change? How do we get it through their heads that what they are doing is hurting more then just them? How do we get them to let go of things and quit throwing it back in our faces every chance they get?
          It is so hard dealing with someone with MI to the point where you literally feel like we would have better luck beating our heads against a brick wall. I sit here trying desperately to think of a way to repair my family once again ripped by the tongue of another. How can I continue to do this and reassure all that they matter to me or that I am not taking sides?
          There is no real way to do just this and I know that one will be hurt by this. I know which one it will be also but it can not be avoided. The "kid gloves" will not continue to work in this matter because they are getting older and will see through it. Why are we as parents put in this position to have to choose between our children?
           I love them all and can not choose, will not choose. I wish, oh do I wish that there was an easy solution to such a difficult matter. I wish MI had an on/off switch so that we could turn it off just for a few minutes and have a conversation with common sense. To allow your loved one to just see what their actions are doing to others and how much easier it would be to let go and move on with their lives.
            But as we know, there is no on/off switch to MI. There is no magic cure, nor is there an easy button. Life goes on though good and bad. We just have to keep picking ourselves up by our bootstraps and get on with our lives.

Love The Sinner

                    As I sit here thinking over a conversation I had earlier this evening, I sit and wonder what is the best way to handle this situation. Due to the fact that there are LD's as well as MI, how much did those issues have a play in what was shared? Does the person actually know what they are saying and how much of it was learned by society itself? Does this person believe what they are saying or are they sharing this information because they want to be apart of a group and feel accepted?
          The tears and the heartache in this persons voice was evident as they shared what they had written, as if these were true feelings. Yet these feelings and thoughts could not be explained or backed up with the all time question of why they feel the way they do. All that could be shared beyond the "facts" is that if I would just go to a group and learn more about this subject, so I could accept them and their choice. Is it possible for one to feel this strongly about something without a reason to have this passion?
          I ended our talk with the fact that I love the person and nothing could change that fact. Similar to the story in the bible about loving the sinner but not the sin. Regardless of what they thought was truth or not I would always love them, no more and no less. I am not sure if this has sunk into their head or if all they heard was I don't agree or support their choice. It is so hard to know how much of what someone says sticks in the head of the other.
          This matter is even more hindered when you add in the LD's and MI issues. Do they really understand what is said during a high emotional time? Can they comprehend the difference between love and support? I cant really answer these questions but I can say that we need to love those around us regardless of what they are doing. To love the person and not what they do or say.


note: I have purposely made this post vague because of the topic and the person involved.

Brave Little Voice

          I was sitting here this evening watching a movie that I have seen already several times yet new things pop into my mind every time I see it, that's the benefit of watching things more then once. This particular evening something about this movie hit me hard. I was watching the movie, Soul Surfer, and it had come to the part when Bethany was taking to her Christian friend after her accident and her friend had asked her how she was doing. Bethany replied in her "brave little voice" that she was doing ok. The next statement from her friend is what brought back a flood of memories from the past 15 months. Bethany's friend said, "don't be like that" and then Bethany replied with how she was really doing and feeling.
          So many times we go through life and hardships using our brave little voice and glossing over how we are really doing. When someone asks how we are doing or if we need anything, we smile and say that we are doing fine and not in need for anything. In reality you need a shoulder to cry on, someone who understands and does not condemn, you just need someone to hold your hand. I am famous for doing that...........using my brave little voice and trudging along as best I can.
          The past 15 months have been more then a faith and teaching time for me. My faith in God has carried me through more then I thought I could ever go through. In addition to straightening my faith it has showed me that I am not the strong, nothing can hurt me, type I thought I was. I recall talking to our Youth Pastor and when he asked how I was doing, my little brave voice ran away and I sobbed and was real with myself for the first time in my life. I couldn't go through this life anymore on my own. I needed help and I was finally so far down that I had to look up to see the bottom.
          Even though I hated to cry, specially in front of anyone, never mind on the phone, I was me. Not my brave little me but the hurting, broken me. The me that needed help.  This was a turning point in my life. This was the time, as a good friend once said to me, to shut up and take their help. I used to have such a difficult time allowing others to help me and I still do from time to time, but I am getting better with it. That once strong brave little voice has now become the little engine that could.............with help that is.

Me Or Them?

          Sometimes I sit here thinking to myself, wondering why two of my children have MI? Why did my children have to be subjected to the hard times we had? Why they turned out that way that they did? Was it me? Was it something I did wrong? Some times I even think that it was something I did or something I could have prevented? I know I have not always made the right choices in life nor am I the perfect mother, far from it at times.
          I made the choice to change some things in my life that I would be able to make it easier for my children. I made several wrong choices in the men I have married and had relationships with. This in itself was a huge change for my children and I. For a season in my life that lasted several years, I was not going to date because I didn't want to make yet another huge mistake.
          I met a man once that was so head over heals with me, we were young and went too fast. I chose to over look all the things in him my parents warned me about. I knew he was a good man and I didn't care who knew it until it was too late. After 6 years of seeing him for who he was and not through the rose colored glasses, I let the marriage. I could not put my children through this pain anymore. The relationship had all but come to an end by then and the children were suffering because of it.
          It was two years before I met my next boyfriend. This one was no better then the first one except for the fact that he seemed more genuine in wanting to be involved in my life and that of my children's. He spent time with my children teaching them things their own father never did. I thought I had found the man of my dreams until the nightmare began. A four year relationship came to a sudden stop when I found out he had been abusing one of my children.
          I know that these two relationships have nothing to do with each other and could have happened to anyone, MI or not. I also know that these two men had an impact on my children's lives both good and bad. I have sat here wondering how much of an impact these have made on their lives. I know it has made a huge impact on my ability to trust and enter into another relationship. I had one relationship that went no where because of my own fear that I would repeat another mistake. I pray that my DD#1 can get over the abuse she ensued before it makes a lasting impact on her life, it may be too late already.
           You see here that MI can be as a result of abuse and/or genetics. It can rear up its ugly head at anytime and any place. Yes I probably could have prevented the MI in my DD#1 by making different choices then I did, but I also know that in that of my DD#2, it is genetics and nothing could have prevented this. So here I sit with all my guilt of yesteryear's and all the hopes of tomorrows for better days. I can't change what has already happened but I can still change what tomorrow holds for my children. A brighter day is coming.

Prepare me

          As I sit here on a Sunday afternoon, on my laptop, with my DD's watching TV and using the desktop, I hear a song playing...............Lord prepare me, to be a sanctuary, pure and holy, tried and true. And with thanksgiving, I'll be a living, sanctuary, for you...........  The words keep rolling over and over in my head.
           Some of you who know me know that I love singing, whether it be secular songs or Christian, you will always hear me singing. Songs have brought me through a lot of hard times. Some speak to me through the words. Some speak to me through the feelings I get when I sing them. Other just calm me down to be able to get things done.
           When I have a song that is rolling over and over in my head, I have a hard time zoning it out. I will hum the tune over and over or out right sing it when I can. This song I have sung it many times over the years of being a Christian both in church and in the community. This day however, the song is speaking to me in a way it never has before.
          I get the feeling that God is preparing me for something He wants to use me in my life. He is preparing me to serve Him in a way I never have this far. He has proven His love for us all though the trials in my life and that of my family. He is preparing me to show that very same love for others going through similar struggles.
          As I have stated in the past, book knowledge can only bring one so far in understanding what others may be going through. Where personal knowledge takes you even further in the understanding. You can really relate to what it is like to struggle with feelings and thoughts that may leave one baffled or unsure of what is really going on. I truly believe God has allowed hard times in my life to come forth so that I can reach out and touch others with His love for them.
          So keep that in mind as you go through something that you otherwise do not understand...........The Lord may be preparing you for something great. Trust in Him and accept what you may not understand as a way for you to be used by Him. To reach out to someone in the future.

Tug Of War

          Lately life has been like a long game of tug of war. A battle of wits, relationships and life in general. When you have a child with MI all relationships get harder and harder to maintain and nearly impossible to start. What friends you may have may be lost by the way side when difficulties seem to flood in day after day, week after week. Well meaning friends just don't see the MI after time but only the behaviors that linger.
          Your torn between the children that you love and the few friends that have stuck by you. Wanting so desperately, the relationships that others have the luxury to enjoy. Sit around and have coffee on a nice sunny summer day. Nice leisurely walk on the beach. Even a passing conversation where you have a smile on your face and honesty on your tongue.
           Listening to their well meaning suggestions that are only spoken out of a well meaning heart that only a friend could say. Even these words become harder and harder to listen to without saying a word. The words cut into your already bruised mind like a finely sharpened blade.
          Too many times, well wishers just make matters worse. The once welcome friends make you cringe and struggle with just being in their presence. Things you once looked forward to become something you deal with. Feeling like an outsider when all you want is to be accepted and understood. The tug of war goes on with yet another thing to battle.
          The tug of war is not only in reference to friendships, it encompasses every aspect of life. As MI takes up more and more time and energy, things like your job can suffer. Being called away during your work day becomes more and more. Your co workers become burdened when you are called away. What do you do? Deal with work or your child? For me, this is a no brainer, children win ever time.
          There are some out there that do not have this choice. There are those out there that can not deal with the loneliness of MI. I consider myself as one who is strong through the tough times. God has blessed me with His grace and peace to carry through yet there are still times I have doubt. Doubt that His love is unfailing or not quite enough. Those times are tests for my endurance and strength. A test of my faith for Him.

Love........

       Love.......what is love? According to Websters Dictionary there are 9 definitions for this word. For the terms of this particular post we will talk about the love involved with two  individuals, a relationship. Love is such a simple word and a somewhat simple meaning. Websters defines love as "an attraction based on sexual desire; affection based on admiration". This is the desire to be with one that you hold highly in your life, someone whom you feel some strong emotions for.

       Too many times people act as though they are in love, say they are in love but yet that love is no where to be found when it is most needed. Some are quick to call something love when it is not really there. Love can be a tricky thing sometimes. Affection is sometimes misread as love. Lust is another one that is commonly mistaken as Love.

       The reason I bring up the topic of love is that most ppl who suffer from MI have issues with Love, both in means of affection and also in true love. Someone, particularly with BP, will have issues with exhibiting love as well as maintaining a loving relationship. Even the most loving individuals and/or couples bend when faced with instability. This not only will effect the couple but those around the couple.

       I personally have given up on finding my true love, heck even a passing love. My life is so absorbed in my DD's lives that my personal life is on hold, indefinitely. Im sure that in time as my DD's grow and hopefully live on their own, I can have a "normal" dating life and even find that one for me, who knows? I also pray that my DD's will be able to find their true loves despite their MI's.

       My prayer for them is to be bale to live life to the fullest and with someone who really truly loves them. The number of divorces are astronomical for ppl with MI. Their only hope is to find that one who can love them even when they do not love themselves. My sister has found just that man in her life, I was not so lucky. So until I can find that one, I wish my children have better luck then I.