Light At The End Of The Tunnel?

          So much time has passed since my last post here and so much has happened. We have gone from crisis to beginning of stability to crisis again. After spending 3 1/2 months in an inpatient psychiatric hospital my DD#2 has finally arrived at her new school. This has not been an easy battle to say the least.
          Back in late October, during a very unstable time for my DD#2, she had punched a window out which ended up in a very long afternoon/night in the ER during Hurricane Sandy getting stitches and searching for a locked facility to put her in. Finally around 3 am, we made the 2 hour trip through the Hurricane to get her admitted into yet another phosp. I never imagined that this would be her home for the next 3 1/2 months.
          With help from the phosp staff and other professionals, we were able to find her a possible RTC closer to home for her but she wasn't ready yet for this and we lost her bed. Until she was ready to participate in her own treatment, we would not be able to place her in an RTC. So the search went on trying to find the right place for her. We even looked into an IRTP (Intensive Residential Treatment Placement) but she again did not qualify for this because you have to be commitable, which she was not.
          We had meeting after meeting brainstorming what to do with her, because she was deemed "dangerous to society" by the judge back in August and was not allowed to come home until she was stable. If we could not find a placement for her she would have to go into DYS custody, which I was not looking forward to. Everyone knew that she would not get the proper treatment she needed while in DYS custody, so this was a last resort, when all else failed.
          After a much needed battle with our school system, they finally agreed to cost share with DMH and place her into a therapeutic RTC and thus began yet another search. The ability to access privately funded RTC opened up the door to 5 possibilities. We heard back from 3 of them within a week and 2 of those had immediate openings, the third would have an opening within 30 days. The interviews and placement visits happened within the course of a week and the final decision was made on which program for her would work out best for her. Within another week, we were before the judge asking permission for her to move into her new program that afternoon. Praise God, permission was granted and we were on our way. After a very stressful day of making sure everything was put into place for her to move into her new school. We finally made it to her new school at 5 pm at night. My DD#2 was so happy to be in her new home and looking forward to settling in and starting school on the following Monday.
          It has now been 2 weeks since we moved my DD#2 into her new school and have had nothing but good reports from both the residence staff and the school staff as well as reports from my DD herself. During one of our many phone calls with my DD#2 over the last few months that she has been out of the home, I was floored when she actually said she was doing her homework. I have not seen her do homework in over a year, never mind doing work at school. Granted this is still her "honeymoon" period but I am praying daily that she remains on board with her treatment as well as her school work. Maybe this is a turning point for us all. There is hope that she will come back to us at some point now.

Holiday Grief

          I have spent too many days in the last two months dealing with feelings that I have never had to deal with before. Feelings that have remained unfathomable to me, grief. I have lost many loved ones to death in my 41 yrs but none have effected me like the grief I have been feeling. I have not physically lost a loved one in the last 2 month yet the grief is almost unbearable.
          My DD#2 has been in a phosp now since October 30th and there is no end to this in sight. We are in the process of applying for a placement in an IRTP (Intensive Residential Treatment Placement). An IRTP placement involves committing a person in a longer term phosp. I have had to realize that my DD#2 may never come back home to us. This is specially hard for a parent to accept because it means that all of your holidays will never been the same again. It means that you can never tuck your child in at night. It means you can never see your child when ever you want, you have to schedule visits to see them.
          I have several friends and acquaintances that have physically lost loved ones and that loss has effected them day after day and holiday after holiday. Their grief continues month after month, year after year. I could never understand why grief effects those  individuals for so long. I always saw grief as something one goes through for a few days or weeks and then you get over it and move on. I have never had grief last because I truly believe that loved ones have gone onto a better place and are no longer in pain.
          I do not like what this grief has developed inside me. A very large black hole within me. A pit that is trying to develop into a HUGE valley. I find myself almost daily praying for relief from it because each time it shows its ugly face, it gets harder and harder to look to God for relief. I find myself wanting to just stay in bed instead of facing my day with a smile. I have to keep reminding myself that I have two other children that need their mother. Need their mother to carry on with each new day. Even more so, they need their mother to show them that life does go on even in difficult times.
          So whether I want to or not, I must get up, get dressed and put that smile on my face each day. For them, I need to show them that everything will be fine even though their sister can not be with us. As they go day to day, being more relaxed and open without the constant upheaval that their sister has caused. Seeing them smile, laugh and goof off as sisters should, I sit crying inside that one is missing. I am reminded that when my DD#2 is not here, there are weeks of joy instead of hours. I miss having my DD#2 home but I do not miss the constant walking on eggshells and fear of when her next blow up will happen and who will get hurt by it, but I do miss her terribly.

Holidays

          I have made it a point to share from the heart on this blog and I have done just that. Today's blog post is going to be the hardest one yet to write. The holidays are difficult for many who have lost loved one's during the year. I lost my father back in 2002 and yes that first Thanksgiving and Christmas were difficult but we all managed to get through it.
          This year is already turning out to be harder then 2002 and we haven't even gotten to Christmas yet. My DD#2 has been living in various group homes and phosp's for 3 months now and it seems to get harder and harder as more time passes. I know that she is getting the help she needs and I believe that one day she will be allowed to come back home to us, but we just have to wait for that day to come.
          Thanksgiving was difficult where we cooked it all ahead of time and then packaged it all up. Thanksgiving morning, we loaded up the car and brought it all for our 1 1/2 hour drive to be able to spend 1 hour with my DD#2 so we could celebrate together. The time we had with her was great and it was good to see all 3 kids together for the first time in almost a month. See my DD#3 isn't old enough to visit her sister except on holidays, there is an age restriction.
          I am NOT looking forward to Christmas this year. I think this is the first time I can ever remembering feeling this way. Yes I have had Christmas's without my kids, when they went to celebrate it with their father, but this is different. They needed their time with their father as well as time with me and that was ok. This year I don't even know what to get my DD#2, so many things are restricted, including pencils!
          Everyday there is more and more Christmas movies featuring families getting together, all happy and joyous. Each day is harder and harder for me to face it with a smile on my face. I just wrote a post on a support group I belong to and broke down in tears, and you know how much I hate tears! I am loosing my composure daily now thinking about the up coming holiday. Thinking about how we are going to be able to celebrate with all the rules and regulations. Can I even wrap gifts to her so she can open them? Did I take all the staples, string, sharps out of presents so she can have them with her?
          I am to the point now that I dread waking up the next morning. What else is going to happen with her? Will we even be able to see her on Christmas if she is having a bad day? I am having a hard time even putting that smile on my face everyday and acting like all is good. Yes I give this all up to God to handle and use for His glory but the tears are still here, ready to flow, daily. The fears of this being our life from here on out and not to ever get my DD#2 back the way she was before BP took over her life. Will we ever be a true family again? Only God knows that answer but I sure wish He would clue me in on it cause I am scared, worried and hopeless not knowing what will happen next.

Involved Agencies

          When you are dealing with a child with MI, you also have to deal with different agencies in order to get the services your child may need. This is an inevitable thing that will happen whether you want them involved or not, some times you have no choice in the matter. Dealing with different agencies can be quit stressful as well as confusing at times. Some can come in and just over see things to make sure your child is getting their needs met and you barely notice they are even there most of the time.
          I have had a variety of agencies involved in our lives in the last 10 years of dealing with MI. Some of the agencies we have had dealings with are DMH (Department Of Mental Health), DCF (Department of Children and Families), DYS (Department of Youth Services), CAP (I cant for the life of me remember what that stands for), ICC (Intensive Case Coordinators), YV (Youth Villages) .......and the list could go on and on into medical agencies as well as legal ones.
          For those of us that are seeking help for our children, getting an agency involved can somewhat be tricky. When I first embarked on this road of moderate to sever MI children, I got more then one door shut in my face by agencies. I was told many times that I did not qualify for their agency because I did not have other agencies involved in our lives. When prompted as to how to get them involved in our lives, I was told that the children have to be abused or neglected to get workers.
          I was dumbfounded when I was told I didn't qualify for help because I did NOT abuse or neglect the needs of my children. Talk about twisting parents ideas of our mental health system. I, a loving and nurturing parent, could NOT get help because I took care of them? In all honesty after getting that reply time after time of calling all the agencies I could think of, I seriously thought...........ok, how much can I neglect/abuse my kids to get help? Thank God those thoughts were quickly passing and I never did such a thing, but what is this society saying to parents like me? Yes I did finally get some help with my children but I had to fight with the "state" to be allowed to voluntarily get help from an agency that most parents cringe at the thought of them being involved in their family.  
          Now years later, I am once again faced with having this same agency involved in our lives again but under different circumstances. I am a little ambivalent to go forward with this because it involves more then last time. Granted I know that my DD#2 needs to be involved with this agency in order to move forward toward some sort of stability but that does not take away my anxiety this time. I have to hold my breathe and hold my head up and know that I am making the right decisions for her. I long for her to be stable again and to be able to return home and have the ability to be safe at home. This has been the longest last 7 weeks of my life so far. It is not over and I am sure there is a lot more to come before she becomes an adult.

SI

          In past post's that I have written, I have covered some of the "why's" surrounding SI. This post however is going to be about a parents view of their child's SI. A former cutter's view of seeing SI in their child.
          Yes I admit, I am a former "cutter", back when cutting was seen as a suicidal attempt. Period! Cutting wasn't understood back when I was a teenager, but is it really understood even now? People who have never cut or partaken in other self injurious behaviors, can't truely understand why people continue to do this, time and time again.
          Lets take a look at cutting since this is playing yet another role in my life. Lets look at how cutting affects loved ones who see it happening and can't stop the pain of their loved one. Today I was face to face with my DD#2 and saw about a dozen cuts on her forearm. I had already been informed by her program staff that she had done it but today I saw it for myself. I wasn't shocked to see it nor did I make a big deal about it.
          Inside my heart was crying out for mercy. Trying to rack my mind about what I could have done differently to avoid this. Did I miss some signs that this was coming? What can I do to stop her pain? What can I say that could help her? Should I talk to her about mr experience with cutting? Show her that I understand what she is going through. Show her that she is not the only one. So many questions with no easy answers.
          Im reminded of what those red lines ment to me. Are those the same reasons for her? Is she feeling so alone and out of control that she needs to cut to control of atleast one thing in her life? This pains me so much to see her like this. It breaks my heart that she is hurting this much inside and I can't stop the pain. Why can't I take her pain onto myself so she can be happy and carefree? Why Lord? Why allow this to happen to my child? Hasn't she been through enough already? Please keep her safe, Jesus. Please don't let this be her final cry. Hold her, protect her even from herself.
         

Baby Steps

          The last week or so we have been taking our days, our hours and our minutes, one step at a time. Like a baby's first tentative steps, sometimes taking things one step at a time is the only way to make it. One baby step at a time.
          That is what we have been doing with my DD #2, one baby step at a time. Sometimes we do one step forward and two steps back and sometimes we don't even get that one step forward but ever positive step is better then nothing.  We have to be willing to accept what we can get and not become so wrapped up in what they are not doing.
          My DD #2 was once again discharged from yet another phosp stay, one in which all the personal involved agreed she did not need, yet because of the laws of the land say that inpatient stay was necessary. It was a waste of time, gas and state funds to do this but I understand that the precaution needed to be there.
          Since her discharge the days have not been easy. Refusal to go to school, verbally fighting with staff at her RTC and even walking out of the program house without permission. What normally is a few good days after a phosp stay, was not evident this time. When one is not willing to even take those baby steps, it makes it hard for all those around her to be able to help her.
          So now all the providers have to meet again to discuss what we can do next, where the motion forward is minimal. A new RTC? A different group home? DYS custody? So many questions and no easy answers. With the time ever come where my DD#2 stop fighting those who are trying to help her. Will she ever begin to take baby steps again? I pray she will for her own sake.

Calm After the Storm

         
          After a particularly difficult time in our life, after the second arrest of my DD#2, there is a calm so to speak. That calmness is not always a welcome event. For the first week or so it is a welcome sight, to finally not be running around with your head cut off. I can finally relax for more then a few moments or hours. Not have to worry about the next blow up. Not have to worry about who will be the next one being attacked. The ability to get more then one or two things done without interruption.
          That calm becomes over bearing though after a few days. I sit here finding myself thinking of what else I can do. My house is cleaned from top to bottom. I have arraigned more then one room. Things are caught up that have been put off long enough. I am reminded of too much down time can be dangerous, mentally.
           I sit here day after day about what has transpired over the last few weeks. In a way wishing for yet another blow up because at least then I know what I need to do. This quiet after the storm is un nerving, it is too much for me to handle. The memories of what was said in anger come flooding back. I know the words were said in anger and they do not bother me in that regard. The words play over and over in my head because of what happened because of them.
           The threatening words were just that ......words. Yet those words have changed our lives, maybe forever. I pray they will just become a changing point in our lives. A change for the better. A change where my DD#2 gets what she needs. A change for the family as a whole. I have to look for the positive in our lives because without positive thoughts, all I have is the damning words. The damning visions of the past. There has to be more. I can not give up now. I need to go on and look up for the strength from Him. To get beyond the silent storms that continue to brew within me.