Walled In? Walled Out?

          Sometimes I wonder about the walls that we all build around ourselves. Are they to keep others out? Are they to protect? Or are they to hide behind? Yet others still are there just ram our heads against in times of insanity!
          I feel like I stand before my wall, beating my head against it time and time again. Wondering why I keep doing so when it gets me nothing but a huge headache. Why do we as parents continue to beat our heads, trying to find solutions to problems that never seem to go away.
           Why do we continue to help those who do not want it? Do things for ppl who don't care if they ever change but demand that those around them change? How do we get it through their heads that what they are doing is hurting more then just them? How do we get them to let go of things and quit throwing it back in our faces every chance they get?
          It is so hard dealing with someone with MI to the point where you literally feel like we would have better luck beating our heads against a brick wall. I sit here trying desperately to think of a way to repair my family once again ripped by the tongue of another. How can I continue to do this and reassure all that they matter to me or that I am not taking sides?
          There is no real way to do just this and I know that one will be hurt by this. I know which one it will be also but it can not be avoided. The "kid gloves" will not continue to work in this matter because they are getting older and will see through it. Why are we as parents put in this position to have to choose between our children?
           I love them all and can not choose, will not choose. I wish, oh do I wish that there was an easy solution to such a difficult matter. I wish MI had an on/off switch so that we could turn it off just for a few minutes and have a conversation with common sense. To allow your loved one to just see what their actions are doing to others and how much easier it would be to let go and move on with their lives.
            But as we know, there is no on/off switch to MI. There is no magic cure, nor is there an easy button. Life goes on though good and bad. We just have to keep picking ourselves up by our bootstraps and get on with our lives.

Love The Sinner

                    As I sit here thinking over a conversation I had earlier this evening, I sit and wonder what is the best way to handle this situation. Due to the fact that there are LD's as well as MI, how much did those issues have a play in what was shared? Does the person actually know what they are saying and how much of it was learned by society itself? Does this person believe what they are saying or are they sharing this information because they want to be apart of a group and feel accepted?
          The tears and the heartache in this persons voice was evident as they shared what they had written, as if these were true feelings. Yet these feelings and thoughts could not be explained or backed up with the all time question of why they feel the way they do. All that could be shared beyond the "facts" is that if I would just go to a group and learn more about this subject, so I could accept them and their choice. Is it possible for one to feel this strongly about something without a reason to have this passion?
          I ended our talk with the fact that I love the person and nothing could change that fact. Similar to the story in the bible about loving the sinner but not the sin. Regardless of what they thought was truth or not I would always love them, no more and no less. I am not sure if this has sunk into their head or if all they heard was I don't agree or support their choice. It is so hard to know how much of what someone says sticks in the head of the other.
          This matter is even more hindered when you add in the LD's and MI issues. Do they really understand what is said during a high emotional time? Can they comprehend the difference between love and support? I cant really answer these questions but I can say that we need to love those around us regardless of what they are doing. To love the person and not what they do or say.


note: I have purposely made this post vague because of the topic and the person involved.

Brave Little Voice

          I was sitting here this evening watching a movie that I have seen already several times yet new things pop into my mind every time I see it, that's the benefit of watching things more then once. This particular evening something about this movie hit me hard. I was watching the movie, Soul Surfer, and it had come to the part when Bethany was taking to her Christian friend after her accident and her friend had asked her how she was doing. Bethany replied in her "brave little voice" that she was doing ok. The next statement from her friend is what brought back a flood of memories from the past 15 months. Bethany's friend said, "don't be like that" and then Bethany replied with how she was really doing and feeling.
          So many times we go through life and hardships using our brave little voice and glossing over how we are really doing. When someone asks how we are doing or if we need anything, we smile and say that we are doing fine and not in need for anything. In reality you need a shoulder to cry on, someone who understands and does not condemn, you just need someone to hold your hand. I am famous for doing that...........using my brave little voice and trudging along as best I can.
          The past 15 months have been more then a faith and teaching time for me. My faith in God has carried me through more then I thought I could ever go through. In addition to straightening my faith it has showed me that I am not the strong, nothing can hurt me, type I thought I was. I recall talking to our Youth Pastor and when he asked how I was doing, my little brave voice ran away and I sobbed and was real with myself for the first time in my life. I couldn't go through this life anymore on my own. I needed help and I was finally so far down that I had to look up to see the bottom.
          Even though I hated to cry, specially in front of anyone, never mind on the phone, I was me. Not my brave little me but the hurting, broken me. The me that needed help.  This was a turning point in my life. This was the time, as a good friend once said to me, to shut up and take their help. I used to have such a difficult time allowing others to help me and I still do from time to time, but I am getting better with it. That once strong brave little voice has now become the little engine that could.............with help that is.