Bailing Out

       The waters come and go in our lives. With each rising storm, you never know how high the waters will get. With each new storm in life, it becomes increasingly harder and harder to weather them. You feel like your slowly drowning and like there is no rescue boat in sight. It's like treading turbulent waters with rescuers all around throwing out life lines but they are just out of your reach.
        I was stuck in that scenario yesterday with no idea what we could do. I had reached my boiling point and ready to blow. The end of my sanity rope and it was quickly fraying. Ready to break into tears at the drop of a dime. I couldn't even write a simple prayer request without tears blurring my vision. Just thinking about what was going on and what was to come, started the flow all over again.
        It is very depressing when you reach this point with a loved one. You see no way out nor do you see an end in sight. Even though I believe in the Lord and believe that He would never give you something you could not handle with His help, it sometimes is not enough. I am not sure if this means this is a lack of faith issue or if it is a normal feeling that all encounter from time to time. Maybe it is even a test to see if I do have faith or if I bail at the difficult times. Who really know.
          I personally do not like these times because my mind wonders and I do not like where it goes. I begin to think that I am not a good parent. I recall some comments made to me over the years and wonder "could those really be true?" I get so tired and worn down that I even consider giving up on my child because nothing is seeming to work at turning her around. I'm even not sure how much I can give her when there is nothing left in me to give.
          It is a hard reality sometimes, to admit your at rock bottom in all areas. The reserve tank is no longer full to dip from. This blog in itself has taken me several days to write, from start to finish, and it continues to be a very challenging time for my DD and myself. I had to sign her into a facility for the 6th time in the last 10 months. I can in all honesty say it is just as hard to sign those papers the first time as it is the 6th time. I don't know how long she will be gone this time, I pray it is short lived but no one really knows.
          I just have to learn to release EVERYTHING to God, even my doubts and fears, everyday. Every hour. and if need be, every minute.

Brick Wall or Going Strong?

         

          Ever feel like you are running against the wind? Feel like no matter how hard you try that it seems like one step forward, two steps back? Better yet, do you feel like you would have better results if you were to bash your head against a brick wall? Sometimes this is what it is like when you are dealing with a MI individual who is unstable. There is no chance at reasoning with them. You try and try with very little results because your loved one is portraying that ever so common illusion that they do not care. This is a common coping mechanisum that MI individuals use. The whole "I don't care" attitude is a way to show others the walls that have been built inside for protection. To those who can tell the difference between the walls and the true none caring attitude of adolencence is not always the easiest thing to deal with. You have to carefully get past those walls without reinforcing them.
         Too many times, well meaning people try to get past those walls with battering rams and billy clubs. These attempts a good percentage of the time just blows up in their faces and just shows the MI individual that they can not be trusted. Getting past the walls takes time, patience and a little bit of TLC. One needs to get to know the person in addition to the situation in which the meeting took place. Trying to move too fast and digging too deep will almost always result in failure, resentment and/or the brick wall refortification.
          Being the mother of two MI children, I have got way too many hours under my belt with defensive moves and even more with offensive moves. I choose my battles very carefully and it sometimes rubs me raw as a parent. I have to choose with wisdom and understanding that I may at some point be able to regain control of my household. It takes a lot out of someone to loosen the reigns when you can see the outcome of poor choices. Its all I can do to not try to "save" my children from the effects of their choices. My DD #2 wanted so bad to walk out the door the other day, all puffed up and mad at the world. I had to stop her and remind her what the outcome would be to walking out verses staying at home. I had to be prepared to act on her choices and follow through with what I had to do, no matter how much I wanted to just protect her.
          I know this is part of being a parent and loving the children God made for you. He knew what you can handle with His help. I also know that some children can be defiant and hard to handle but there is a difference between a typical teen and a teen with MI, I have gone into this before so will not revisit it again. I just wish there was a manual or a book of suggestions and ideas in dealing with MI children. I also know that not every thing will work every time so maybe a book or manual would not be a good idea other then give you a list of things you had not thought of. I feel like I am talking in circles here so I think it is time to end this entry. Good luck to those who are struggling as I am. Be good to yourself and those you love. Go forward with the wisdom God has placed within you and always smile.