Bailing Out

       The waters come and go in our lives. With each rising storm, you never know how high the waters will get. With each new storm in life, it becomes increasingly harder and harder to weather them. You feel like your slowly drowning and like there is no rescue boat in sight. It's like treading turbulent waters with rescuers all around throwing out life lines but they are just out of your reach.
        I was stuck in that scenario yesterday with no idea what we could do. I had reached my boiling point and ready to blow. The end of my sanity rope and it was quickly fraying. Ready to break into tears at the drop of a dime. I couldn't even write a simple prayer request without tears blurring my vision. Just thinking about what was going on and what was to come, started the flow all over again.
        It is very depressing when you reach this point with a loved one. You see no way out nor do you see an end in sight. Even though I believe in the Lord and believe that He would never give you something you could not handle with His help, it sometimes is not enough. I am not sure if this means this is a lack of faith issue or if it is a normal feeling that all encounter from time to time. Maybe it is even a test to see if I do have faith or if I bail at the difficult times. Who really know.
          I personally do not like these times because my mind wonders and I do not like where it goes. I begin to think that I am not a good parent. I recall some comments made to me over the years and wonder "could those really be true?" I get so tired and worn down that I even consider giving up on my child because nothing is seeming to work at turning her around. I'm even not sure how much I can give her when there is nothing left in me to give.
          It is a hard reality sometimes, to admit your at rock bottom in all areas. The reserve tank is no longer full to dip from. This blog in itself has taken me several days to write, from start to finish, and it continues to be a very challenging time for my DD and myself. I had to sign her into a facility for the 6th time in the last 10 months. I can in all honesty say it is just as hard to sign those papers the first time as it is the 6th time. I don't know how long she will be gone this time, I pray it is short lived but no one really knows.
          I just have to learn to release EVERYTHING to God, even my doubts and fears, everyday. Every hour. and if need be, every minute.