Me Or Them?

          Sometimes I sit here thinking to myself, wondering why two of my children have MI? Why did my children have to be subjected to the hard times we had? Why they turned out that way that they did? Was it me? Was it something I did wrong? Some times I even think that it was something I did or something I could have prevented? I know I have not always made the right choices in life nor am I the perfect mother, far from it at times.
          I made the choice to change some things in my life that I would be able to make it easier for my children. I made several wrong choices in the men I have married and had relationships with. This in itself was a huge change for my children and I. For a season in my life that lasted several years, I was not going to date because I didn't want to make yet another huge mistake.
          I met a man once that was so head over heals with me, we were young and went too fast. I chose to over look all the things in him my parents warned me about. I knew he was a good man and I didn't care who knew it until it was too late. After 6 years of seeing him for who he was and not through the rose colored glasses, I let the marriage. I could not put my children through this pain anymore. The relationship had all but come to an end by then and the children were suffering because of it.
          It was two years before I met my next boyfriend. This one was no better then the first one except for the fact that he seemed more genuine in wanting to be involved in my life and that of my children's. He spent time with my children teaching them things their own father never did. I thought I had found the man of my dreams until the nightmare began. A four year relationship came to a sudden stop when I found out he had been abusing one of my children.
          I know that these two relationships have nothing to do with each other and could have happened to anyone, MI or not. I also know that these two men had an impact on my children's lives both good and bad. I have sat here wondering how much of an impact these have made on their lives. I know it has made a huge impact on my ability to trust and enter into another relationship. I had one relationship that went no where because of my own fear that I would repeat another mistake. I pray that my DD#1 can get over the abuse she ensued before it makes a lasting impact on her life, it may be too late already.
           You see here that MI can be as a result of abuse and/or genetics. It can rear up its ugly head at anytime and any place. Yes I probably could have prevented the MI in my DD#1 by making different choices then I did, but I also know that in that of my DD#2, it is genetics and nothing could have prevented this. So here I sit with all my guilt of yesteryear's and all the hopes of tomorrows for better days. I can't change what has already happened but I can still change what tomorrow holds for my children. A brighter day is coming.

Prepare me

          As I sit here on a Sunday afternoon, on my laptop, with my DD's watching TV and using the desktop, I hear a song playing...............Lord prepare me, to be a sanctuary, pure and holy, tried and true. And with thanksgiving, I'll be a living, sanctuary, for you...........  The words keep rolling over and over in my head.
           Some of you who know me know that I love singing, whether it be secular songs or Christian, you will always hear me singing. Songs have brought me through a lot of hard times. Some speak to me through the words. Some speak to me through the feelings I get when I sing them. Other just calm me down to be able to get things done.
           When I have a song that is rolling over and over in my head, I have a hard time zoning it out. I will hum the tune over and over or out right sing it when I can. This song I have sung it many times over the years of being a Christian both in church and in the community. This day however, the song is speaking to me in a way it never has before.
          I get the feeling that God is preparing me for something He wants to use me in my life. He is preparing me to serve Him in a way I never have this far. He has proven His love for us all though the trials in my life and that of my family. He is preparing me to show that very same love for others going through similar struggles.
          As I have stated in the past, book knowledge can only bring one so far in understanding what others may be going through. Where personal knowledge takes you even further in the understanding. You can really relate to what it is like to struggle with feelings and thoughts that may leave one baffled or unsure of what is really going on. I truly believe God has allowed hard times in my life to come forth so that I can reach out and touch others with His love for them.
          So keep that in mind as you go through something that you otherwise do not understand...........The Lord may be preparing you for something great. Trust in Him and accept what you may not understand as a way for you to be used by Him. To reach out to someone in the future.