Me Or Them?

          Sometimes I sit here thinking to myself, wondering why two of my children have MI? Why did my children have to be subjected to the hard times we had? Why they turned out that way that they did? Was it me? Was it something I did wrong? Some times I even think that it was something I did or something I could have prevented? I know I have not always made the right choices in life nor am I the perfect mother, far from it at times.
          I made the choice to change some things in my life that I would be able to make it easier for my children. I made several wrong choices in the men I have married and had relationships with. This in itself was a huge change for my children and I. For a season in my life that lasted several years, I was not going to date because I didn't want to make yet another huge mistake.
          I met a man once that was so head over heals with me, we were young and went too fast. I chose to over look all the things in him my parents warned me about. I knew he was a good man and I didn't care who knew it until it was too late. After 6 years of seeing him for who he was and not through the rose colored glasses, I let the marriage. I could not put my children through this pain anymore. The relationship had all but come to an end by then and the children were suffering because of it.
          It was two years before I met my next boyfriend. This one was no better then the first one except for the fact that he seemed more genuine in wanting to be involved in my life and that of my children's. He spent time with my children teaching them things their own father never did. I thought I had found the man of my dreams until the nightmare began. A four year relationship came to a sudden stop when I found out he had been abusing one of my children.
          I know that these two relationships have nothing to do with each other and could have happened to anyone, MI or not. I also know that these two men had an impact on my children's lives both good and bad. I have sat here wondering how much of an impact these have made on their lives. I know it has made a huge impact on my ability to trust and enter into another relationship. I had one relationship that went no where because of my own fear that I would repeat another mistake. I pray that my DD#1 can get over the abuse she ensued before it makes a lasting impact on her life, it may be too late already.
           You see here that MI can be as a result of abuse and/or genetics. It can rear up its ugly head at anytime and any place. Yes I probably could have prevented the MI in my DD#1 by making different choices then I did, but I also know that in that of my DD#2, it is genetics and nothing could have prevented this. So here I sit with all my guilt of yesteryear's and all the hopes of tomorrows for better days. I can't change what has already happened but I can still change what tomorrow holds for my children. A brighter day is coming.