Holidays

          I have made it a point to share from the heart on this blog and I have done just that. Today's blog post is going to be the hardest one yet to write. The holidays are difficult for many who have lost loved one's during the year. I lost my father back in 2002 and yes that first Thanksgiving and Christmas were difficult but we all managed to get through it.
          This year is already turning out to be harder then 2002 and we haven't even gotten to Christmas yet. My DD#2 has been living in various group homes and phosp's for 3 months now and it seems to get harder and harder as more time passes. I know that she is getting the help she needs and I believe that one day she will be allowed to come back home to us, but we just have to wait for that day to come.
          Thanksgiving was difficult where we cooked it all ahead of time and then packaged it all up. Thanksgiving morning, we loaded up the car and brought it all for our 1 1/2 hour drive to be able to spend 1 hour with my DD#2 so we could celebrate together. The time we had with her was great and it was good to see all 3 kids together for the first time in almost a month. See my DD#3 isn't old enough to visit her sister except on holidays, there is an age restriction.
          I am NOT looking forward to Christmas this year. I think this is the first time I can ever remembering feeling this way. Yes I have had Christmas's without my kids, when they went to celebrate it with their father, but this is different. They needed their time with their father as well as time with me and that was ok. This year I don't even know what to get my DD#2, so many things are restricted, including pencils!
          Everyday there is more and more Christmas movies featuring families getting together, all happy and joyous. Each day is harder and harder for me to face it with a smile on my face. I just wrote a post on a support group I belong to and broke down in tears, and you know how much I hate tears! I am loosing my composure daily now thinking about the up coming holiday. Thinking about how we are going to be able to celebrate with all the rules and regulations. Can I even wrap gifts to her so she can open them? Did I take all the staples, string, sharps out of presents so she can have them with her?
          I am to the point now that I dread waking up the next morning. What else is going to happen with her? Will we even be able to see her on Christmas if she is having a bad day? I am having a hard time even putting that smile on my face everyday and acting like all is good. Yes I give this all up to God to handle and use for His glory but the tears are still here, ready to flow, daily. The fears of this being our life from here on out and not to ever get my DD#2 back the way she was before BP took over her life. Will we ever be a true family again? Only God knows that answer but I sure wish He would clue me in on it cause I am scared, worried and hopeless not knowing what will happen next.