Holiday Grief

          I have spent too many days in the last two months dealing with feelings that I have never had to deal with before. Feelings that have remained unfathomable to me, grief. I have lost many loved ones to death in my 41 yrs but none have effected me like the grief I have been feeling. I have not physically lost a loved one in the last 2 month yet the grief is almost unbearable.
          My DD#2 has been in a phosp now since October 30th and there is no end to this in sight. We are in the process of applying for a placement in an IRTP (Intensive Residential Treatment Placement). An IRTP placement involves committing a person in a longer term phosp. I have had to realize that my DD#2 may never come back home to us. This is specially hard for a parent to accept because it means that all of your holidays will never been the same again. It means that you can never tuck your child in at night. It means you can never see your child when ever you want, you have to schedule visits to see them.
          I have several friends and acquaintances that have physically lost loved ones and that loss has effected them day after day and holiday after holiday. Their grief continues month after month, year after year. I could never understand why grief effects those  individuals for so long. I always saw grief as something one goes through for a few days or weeks and then you get over it and move on. I have never had grief last because I truly believe that loved ones have gone onto a better place and are no longer in pain.
          I do not like what this grief has developed inside me. A very large black hole within me. A pit that is trying to develop into a HUGE valley. I find myself almost daily praying for relief from it because each time it shows its ugly face, it gets harder and harder to look to God for relief. I find myself wanting to just stay in bed instead of facing my day with a smile. I have to keep reminding myself that I have two other children that need their mother. Need their mother to carry on with each new day. Even more so, they need their mother to show them that life does go on even in difficult times.
          So whether I want to or not, I must get up, get dressed and put that smile on my face each day. For them, I need to show them that everything will be fine even though their sister can not be with us. As they go day to day, being more relaxed and open without the constant upheaval that their sister has caused. Seeing them smile, laugh and goof off as sisters should, I sit crying inside that one is missing. I am reminded that when my DD#2 is not here, there are weeks of joy instead of hours. I miss having my DD#2 home but I do not miss the constant walking on eggshells and fear of when her next blow up will happen and who will get hurt by it, but I do miss her terribly.