Too Much

       There are many times, like parents of children without disabilities, that we are pushed beyond our own knowledge of how to handle certain situations. Much like that of a first time parent, we do what we can with what we are given. We also learn what works and what doesn't as well as different ways to manage.
       With the added stress of a disabled child, situations can push the parent to the extreme of emotions and leave us dumbfounded. I have times when I feel like I want to pull out my hair and not knowing what to do, compounds those emotions. I have too many days where I sit and scream inside because I have tried everything I can possibly think of to help my DD's but nothing works.
       Individuals with MI are somewhat difficult to deal with on a daily basis, and yes I used the word "deal" for a reason. I love my children and nothing they do can or will change that. Working day to day with issue's due to their MI is so much like a job. You have to try things that normally, as a parent, you may not need to do. I struggle with this so much and it wreaks havoc within my own mind and yes at times I feel like a failure to them.
        I remember one morning being woken up at 4:30 am but my two youngest DD's. I got up to find out what was going on. My DD #2 was wanting "time alone" (something we needed to do when she becomes frustrated in order to calm down). I tried to explain to her that she can not request ( on this morning she demanded it) "time alone" during sleeping hours. Within 30 minutes we went from quiet to yelling and becoming physically violent and waking up our neighbors who we not so understanding. In order to quickly calm her down, I removed the youngest of the two from the room and sent her to my bed to go back to sleep.
        I sat on my bed for the next 30 minutes trying to convince myself that marching in her room yelling at her to "do as I say and go back to bed" would not make the situation any better. I didn't like that fact that I was feeling like I was "giving into" her and allowing her to "rule the house". This went against everything within me to allow her time to cool down so that we could go over what happened and what we could do differently next time, because there will be a next time.
        These are the times that I feel like pulling out my hair and screaming at the top of my lungs because of being so frustrated. The times that I sit and cry because I do not know what to do are just as equally frustrating. The only other thing that is more frustrating is when I feel like I have failed. Failed as a parent and a mother. Failed as someone who my children look up to as a protector and provider. Failed as the parent who is supposed to be there for them emotionally and physically and I can't because I am either too tired or drained emotionally.