Coping Skills

     Over the years of dealing with MI, I have talked to many parents who go through similar things with their children that I have with mine. There is a connection with others that share an experience that no book, seminar or class can fully give you. A person can only be so educated in MI but there is a difference between being book educated and experience educated. We were not designed out of a book nor do we live our lives by a book. We are all unique in our own ways and there is no one that acts, reacts and does as we do. MI is a "soft science" because we are all different and there is no hands down proven way of treating MI. What works on one person may not even make sense to another or even help. The same goes for medications, therapy or coping skills.
     Coping skills are something we have in each of our lives whether you have MI or not. Coping skills are how we are able to handle difficulties in our lives. Some coping skills are positive and productive but others are negative and even at times can be destructive to our lives and others around us. These coping skills can be ingrained in our lives and minds that we do not even think about them and others can be learned through trial and error and practice. When a person tries to learn a new coping skill it is not as easy as you think to do. You can "practice" using that new skill all you want but the trick is when you try to implement that skill during the time it is needed.
      This is where so many people have a difficult time. As a parent of children with MI, I have to stop and think before I react to a situation. I have to be able to calmly talk my DD into making the right choice during a rage and I also have to accept what her choice is, good or bad, and act accordingly. If my DD decides not to utilize a new coping skill then I need to be prepare to restrain and hold her to avoid injury. If she does choose to utilize a new skill then I need to be willing to help her succeed and move toward our intended goal for a better outcome. The minds of a person in need or crisis don't work like those minds in low stress situations. The mind is racing and bouncing off this thing and that and it is hard to focus on the intended goal, this is where the support people in your lives are needed.
      Someone with MI needs a variety of support people, both natural and professional supports. Family, friends, neighbors, church family are all what is called natural supports. Professional support people are the doctors, counselors, nurses, mental health workers...ect. Without both types of support people in your lives that communicate with each other, life can be very chaotic and just a down right mess. Going from one crisis to another without much down time in between. Before I had both types implemented into our family's life, I was a huge mess personally, not knowing if I was coming or going most of the time. I was so stressed out that even our home life had become uprooted quite often and the behaviors I tried to avoid in my children came more and more often.
      After years of trying to do all this on my own, alone without much support, I too started having some issues of my own. I struggled with depression as well as "loosing it" at the drop of a dime. I couldn't control them which lead to me not even being able to control my own anger and emotions. I remember sitting and crying because one of the kids still hadn't picked up their toy after they were done playing with it and I had asked them to put it away at least 10 times. Pretty typical of any kid, but I would either yell at them or pick it up and throw it away because they didn't listen. This type of behavior from me didn't help anything and even at times made things worse.
      I needed to change my own negative coping skills, or lack there of, in order to make things better and more manageable. I needed a way to control my own reactions to their behaviors of both a typical kid and those stemming from MI. I began to seek out a counselor for myself, so I could bounce things off someone who wasn't going to judge me. Someone whom I know would at least understand and not be shocked at what I would say and also who wouldn't use what I said against me. I know I had a fear of people knowing what truly went on in my house. I didn't want to be seen as a bad mother or that my kids were brats or even that my kids would be taken from me because I could not control them. This fear most certainly crippled me in my efforts in seeking help for years. But I knew at some point that I needed to reach out for help. Yet another tough but needed step in our family's healing process.