SI

          In past post's that I have written, I have covered some of the "why's" surrounding SI. This post however is going to be about a parents view of their child's SI. A former cutter's view of seeing SI in their child.
          Yes I admit, I am a former "cutter", back when cutting was seen as a suicidal attempt. Period! Cutting wasn't understood back when I was a teenager, but is it really understood even now? People who have never cut or partaken in other self injurious behaviors, can't truely understand why people continue to do this, time and time again.
          Lets take a look at cutting since this is playing yet another role in my life. Lets look at how cutting affects loved ones who see it happening and can't stop the pain of their loved one. Today I was face to face with my DD#2 and saw about a dozen cuts on her forearm. I had already been informed by her program staff that she had done it but today I saw it for myself. I wasn't shocked to see it nor did I make a big deal about it.
          Inside my heart was crying out for mercy. Trying to rack my mind about what I could have done differently to avoid this. Did I miss some signs that this was coming? What can I do to stop her pain? What can I say that could help her? Should I talk to her about mr experience with cutting? Show her that I understand what she is going through. Show her that she is not the only one. So many questions with no easy answers.
          Im reminded of what those red lines ment to me. Are those the same reasons for her? Is she feeling so alone and out of control that she needs to cut to control of atleast one thing in her life? This pains me so much to see her like this. It breaks my heart that she is hurting this much inside and I can't stop the pain. Why can't I take her pain onto myself so she can be happy and carefree? Why Lord? Why allow this to happen to my child? Hasn't she been through enough already? Please keep her safe, Jesus. Please don't let this be her final cry. Hold her, protect her even from herself.
         

Baby Steps

          The last week or so we have been taking our days, our hours and our minutes, one step at a time. Like a baby's first tentative steps, sometimes taking things one step at a time is the only way to make it. One baby step at a time.
          That is what we have been doing with my DD #2, one baby step at a time. Sometimes we do one step forward and two steps back and sometimes we don't even get that one step forward but ever positive step is better then nothing.  We have to be willing to accept what we can get and not become so wrapped up in what they are not doing.
          My DD #2 was once again discharged from yet another phosp stay, one in which all the personal involved agreed she did not need, yet because of the laws of the land say that inpatient stay was necessary. It was a waste of time, gas and state funds to do this but I understand that the precaution needed to be there.
          Since her discharge the days have not been easy. Refusal to go to school, verbally fighting with staff at her RTC and even walking out of the program house without permission. What normally is a few good days after a phosp stay, was not evident this time. When one is not willing to even take those baby steps, it makes it hard for all those around her to be able to help her.
          So now all the providers have to meet again to discuss what we can do next, where the motion forward is minimal. A new RTC? A different group home? DYS custody? So many questions and no easy answers. With the time ever come where my DD#2 stop fighting those who are trying to help her. Will she ever begin to take baby steps again? I pray she will for her own sake.