Leaning On The Promises of God

     Well the time has come for my DD#2's day in court, literally. I hate to admit it but I am going into tomorrow with some dread and concern. There is so much hinging on the outcome of tomorrow.
     Will my DD#2 be allowed to come home?
     Will she go to jail?
     Will she be committed to a state Hospital?
     Will she be found guilty or innocent?
     Will I loose custody of her?
     These feelings I am having is more then just a common reaction to my surroundings and the events going on in my life. They go against the very faith in how I choose to live by. My favorite Bible verse and the one I lean on the most is Philippians 4:13 " I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me" doesn't seem to give me comfort, tonight.
     I know that my faith is Jesus Christ has been my cornerstone for the past 7+ years. Things and events in our lives had tried to shake and move that cornerstone more then once, but Praise God, it has not been moved. I know deep down in my heart that it will once again, not be moved, but the enemy has not given up yet, he keeps on trying. I am having a difficult time trying to convince my brain that it needs make the 18 inch plummet and line up with my heart.
     Sitting here thinking and searching within, I am reminded of an old song (songs play a HUGE part of my life) from growing up, "Bless The Lord". For those who do not know the words:
       
         Bless the Lord
         Oh my soul
         And all that is within me
         Bless His holy Name
        
         Bless the Lord
         Oh my soul
         And all that is within me
         Bless His holy Name
        
         He has done great things
         He has done great things
         He has done great things
         Bless His holy Name

So as those thoughts and questions begin to sneak into my head, I pray that the Lord push's them over with yet another song about how He will provide, protect and show His mercy for those who love him. He can do the same for anyone who seeks Him...... "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7.

Here To Help, But Only For A Little Bit

      

        When you are dealing with someone with MI on a daily basis, you become a pretty good judge of that person. In the last 8 years since my DD#2 was dxed with a MI, one thing I have learned is what to look for, verbal and non verbal cues of readiness or changes in her cycle. I can tell when we are heading for a rage/breakdown within a few days. I can tell when she truly is doing good and not just doing and saying what she has to in order to be released. I have also learned to listen to what her fears and thoughts are, not just listen to the words she speaks but the emotions behind those words. I no longer just look at what professionals reports say or program notes but I take it all as a package. Just like many things, you can not just look as one aspect of something and come up with a decision that works, you need to look at all aspects.
         Most agencies that are out there rely on parents or loved ones for their input, their feelings and knowledge of the person in need to gain that "full picture" because they only have reports to go on. Unfortunately when dealing with the agencies, they also have guidelines they have to go on. People who have never met your loved ones are the one's who write those guidelines. Those same guidelines are reviewed every few years as an "umbrella" that their case workers use for all their clients. These guidelines are further not subject to be available to the family's who need them. We do not have a say in whether they are fair or reasonable. We do not have a voice to battle those who make the guidelines or to those who make the final say (the district offices).
       So why then is the purpose for these agencies? You have to fight to get the services that your loved one needs. If you become one of the lucky ones to get the services, you have to fight to get the correct services that would help your loved one. After almost 3 years of working with our local DMH services and knowing personally what my DD#2 needed, we finally got her placement into a school that is phenomenal and there is once again hope insight.
      The idea that my DD#2 might actually be able to have a productive life and be able to "live" with her MI, has never been more evident. These thoughts are not long lived however. Not by fault of my DD#2 but by the agency that is there to support her. My DD#2's DMH worker has been talking about transitioning her from the school setting she has been living at for the last 13 months and back into our home full time. Granted I love my DD#2 and I can't wait for her to be able to live at home again full time, but I have to honestly say, she is not ready for this transition, no yet. I can see that she is still in need of around the clock care for her to feel safe. Safe from herself and those who she perceives as a danger to her (during her unstable times).
       Just because there are sustainable gains on my DD#2 behaviors does not mean that she is ready to leave the environment that has made it possible to maintain that stability. At least half or not more of the issues with many who suffer from MI, their perception plays a HUGE part in their own stability. If they feel they are not in a safe place, then they will "crash and burn". The reason many people are dxed with MI is because they can not recognize the difference between actual things and perceived things. Their mind can not process that type of reasoning, thus a dx of MI. This also does not mean they can never be able to do this, it just means that when the neurons in the brain send messages, there is a breakdown or "mix up" in the synapse which causes the MI. Its like trying to start a fire with a flint and a rock. Sometimes you get a spark big enough to light the kindling and sometimes you don't. Does that mean it is impossible to start a fire with a flint and rock? No, it just means you need to practice and make repeated attempts to do it right.
       The only way to have long lasting stability is not to change a situation that is working after a short time period, but it is to keep it in place so that they can "practice" over and over again. A longer time of stabile support is the key to longer stability outside of that support. Also, a gradual change over time will also bolster the self esteem of the MI person. Show them that they CAN do this on their own and to be able to recognize signs of trouble and be able to reach for that extra support when needed.
        Not everyone who has a MI are the same. No two people are the exact same so why would every MI person be the same. If that is the case, then why are the clients treated the same? Why do they have to follow a certain guideline? Something needs to change in our mental health system. Changes that our loved ones can benefit from and get the care they need and for how long they need it. Until then, I will not stop fighting for my DD.

Light At The End Of The Tunnel?

 

       So much time has passed since my last blog and so much has happened both good and stressful. Life has gotten into a routine of work and play, comings and goings, unexpected stressors that were faced and over come with success. So many milestones met and surpassed. We are at a point in stability where a parent should be elated and looking forward to the future of their children. That feeling has not been long lived in our family.

       The last week of January we had a tragedy in our family that spun us on our heels. None of us were prepared for it and we mourned for days, leaning on those around us for support. We were faced with having to leave the state for a funeral but first I had to petition the court for permission. Praise God, He is merciful and mighty. The judge allowed my DD#2 to leave the state for a week with daily check ins by phone. The trip is planned and tickets were bought with the help of both our immediate and church family. The trip happened without any behavior issues and other then being tired, the trip was a success.

      Once back in our home state, things got back into our routine of school and work. It has not been easy to get back to our routine with the grief we had all felt but life goes on and we manage as best we can.  Looking forward in the upcoming weeks and months, I am trying to prepare myself as best I can. My DD#2 has a very important court appearance coming up in April. If anyone who has been charged with a crime, you are familiar with the trial process and what it all entails. The past three years being involved in the courts have not been able to prepare me for this day.
       My DD#2 is going to trial on 17 charges of various assaults against police, ambulance attendance and myself (a charge by the commonwealth not me). My sweet DD#2, is in serious trouble that could end up in a position that I can no longer "make it all better" with a kiss. Granted my DD#2 has gained 13 months of stability at her new placement, that may not matter depending on what judge we get for the trial. There is hope though. Where she has maintained stability for the last 13 months, there is a chance that she could be placed on probation and that is what I need to focus on. God is in control of this situation and only He can know the outcome of it.

Loosing Control

          What makes us think that we have any chance at being a good parent? Is it that what we thought was wrong with our parents that we want to do it better then them? Is there some line of thinking that we can do it better if we love our children more when what we perceive we were loved? Are we more knowledgeable then our parents were at our age? Has life really changed that much?
          When you are parenting a child with MI, all these questions float around in your head on more then one occasion during their upbringing. Your own worst enemy is sometimes not far away at all. It is sometimes a battle with your very own thoughts and feelings. Those thoughts and feeling can ultimately change the outcome of your children's lives as well as your own.
          As time goes on and your child grows up and matures, there will be a battle of wits, so to speak. Every parents goes through this at one point or another whether your child has MI or not, its normal, right? As your child gets closer and closer to becoming an adult (adult age I should clarify) the really difficult time comes when those apron strings need to be cut. You have done your best as a parent and you need to let go and sometimes be like an adult bird with her babies and teach them how to fly.
          This process is hard for all parents and it is even harder for parents with MI children. When MI rules the mind and perception of the child, they can't see what is right or wrong. They can't see what the outcome of their behavior leads to. They can't see when what they are saying and doing can hurt them. Their mind is so wrapped up in the MI that their perceived reality is twisted. Is there really a way to show them this and convince them of what they need to do?
          I have tried time and time again with love and understanding, praying to God that her eyes would be opened with no avail. I feel like I myself, am going insane trying to help and guide. I have tried calmly talking and gotten no where. I have tried to explain what is reality and what is irrational, till I am blue in the face. I wish and pray to see just the smallest light in that otherwise dark realm, but I have not seen that. The impatience on my part is growing with each argument. I am quicker to anger then I usually am. I am ultimately loosing control and reverting to sarcasm.
          Oh God, why oh why have you laid this on my shoulders? I can not take this any longer. I am at my breaking point. God, please, bring relief and a renewed spirit in you if this must go on. I can't do it without you. I'm broken and ready to be fixed!

Found A Home At Last

          Today was Recognition (Graduation) Day at Perkins School. In addition to the students being recognised for graduating from High School or completing a certificate program, the school also honored some of their faculty. The man on the left has been the art teacher at Perkins School for the past 9 years and was recognised for his part in educating and helping these students succeed. He shares a little about how traditional art classroom are like and then he goes on to describe what goes on in his art room. He talks about those kids that walk in and are covered in chalk from head to toe in 5 minutes and he also goes onto a more emotional aspect of his classroom (and let me tell you, I don't think there were many dry eyes after his standing ovation).

          He goes into what is so special about his position and why he feels honored to be able to teach here at Perkins School. He shared about how Perkins School is rarely the first stop for the kids here, it is usually the last stop of a long list of unsuccessful placements. When a child first comes into his classroom he sees the hurt, pain, mistrust, disappointment and apprehension in their eyes as well as in their art work. He sees a part of these kids that others may not see because art is an outlet for these emotions when no other way of expression has worked. At this point in his speech he was over come by emotions himself that he just stands there for a minute not saying a word, as tears run down his face. He finishes up his acceptance speech with a comment about being honored to be allowed into these very special children's world and to see who they are and then draw them out to be who they can become!

          I know that my DD#2 has not been at this school very long (only 5 months) but I can already see a change in her. She has gone from a very dark place into a smiling young lady who holds her head up. For well over a year she was drawing pictures of death scenes, bloody daggers, writing "death" with Chinese symbols on her arms with permanent markers. She was over come with these images and ideas in her head. I could never begin to understand why she had this obsession with death other then it being part of her MI.

           You can see the transition that she has made in her drawing books. Pages upon pages of these horrific red and black pictures and then a glimmer of hope, a colorful dragon. Then a flower and some animals. Now, you rarely see the old pictures emerge. She is back to drawing the world around her. She is singing in the choir now, something she stopped doing almost 2 years ago. I know that this rebirth will continue to grow and flourish with staff members like this art teacher. They are their because these kids need them to see the real them. To see the pain inside and to reach past the anger and resentment, to find the child inside. Then to water and nurture them in ways many of us can't. To bring them back to life again!

Tears Never Felt So Good!



          I have never been one that is easily moved to tears, at least on the outside. Every time I have felt those inevitable tears start to creep up, I can usually catch them and put an end to them before they emerge on my cheeks. I don't mind others who have that ability to cry without shame or embarrassment nor do I criticize them for "being weak" or "being easily moved". In all reality, I in a way envy them. I know the bible talk about being envious or coveting others, but I am not sure if this applies in this situation.
          You have to know how I was brought up to understand why I feel this way about tears, but I am not going to open that whole can of worms here. All my life I have 95% of the time been able to block out my emotions and be able to deal with issues on a logical plain. The problem with that way of life is that you also block out the good emotions along with the not so good ones. Yes I have crumbled to the ground in that last few years with my DD#2, on more then one occasion, but that was in the privacy of my own home. I have even "lost it" on the phone more then once with a good friend from church, but again, no one saw it happen so all was ok.
          During our court hearing in May regarding my DD#2, I was floored at what transpired. I knew that my DD#2 was still doing great at her new school (she has been there for 5 months now), she had made the honor roll with 7 A's and 2 B's (first time since 4th grade). I knew that her case manager there was writing the judge a letter with her progress thus far. I also knew that my DD#2 had also written a letter to the judge saying what she liked at her new school and what she didn't like about it, I wanted her to be honest with the judge. When I got to the court house, I was able to read both letters before handing them to the lawyer and can I say WOW!
          The judge was given both letters and read them in front of us with not too much of a reaction (he had a great poker face), and we went on with the hearing. The DA and the lawyer hashed over what they wanted and all that courtroom mumbo jumbo. The judge then decided what he was going to grant and what he was pushing down...................He was so moved by my DD#2 progress AND letter that he read part of it out loud to everyone in the courtroom. Her last line (paraphrased) was "I have now come to realize that it is ok to have bad days but it is not ok to act on those bad feelings." And with that he awarded my DD#2 her very first overnight visit home in 8 months. He said that she has worked hard and deserved it but also cautioned her against acting out while at home.
            As I got up to leave the courtroom, it was all I could do to say "Thank you Judge" as the tears fell down my cheeks. My baby was coming home with me that day and I didn't have to rush her back to school before lights out. I was at a loss for words while we waited for our lawyer to come out with the paperwork to sign, so I could take her home. We drove home in silence because when I tried to say anything, the tears started to build up again and then I wouldn't be able to drive, LOL. I treasured her night home that weekend and we did a lot. We went on a hike and had some friends over, we watched movies till midnight!

          We have had a second night at home and we are coming up on her third night home this weekend and things are still going well. I won't say there is no arguing because lets face it, even the most well behaved kids fight with their siblings, that was just it though. Normal sibling rivalry. No hitting. No kicking. No biting. No yelling even. Just normal sibling rivalry. I never thought I would ever say that I am glad to "referee" an argument, a normal sibling disagreement. Does this mean all is right in our world and that things will never be bad again? NO. Mental Health disorders don't just go away with medication. they just become more manageable.

Light At The End Of The Tunnel?

          So much time has passed since my last post here and so much has happened. We have gone from crisis to beginning of stability to crisis again. After spending 3 1/2 months in an inpatient psychiatric hospital my DD#2 has finally arrived at her new school. This has not been an easy battle to say the least.
          Back in late October, during a very unstable time for my DD#2, she had punched a window out which ended up in a very long afternoon/night in the ER during Hurricane Sandy getting stitches and searching for a locked facility to put her in. Finally around 3 am, we made the 2 hour trip through the Hurricane to get her admitted into yet another phosp. I never imagined that this would be her home for the next 3 1/2 months.
          With help from the phosp staff and other professionals, we were able to find her a possible RTC closer to home for her but she wasn't ready yet for this and we lost her bed. Until she was ready to participate in her own treatment, we would not be able to place her in an RTC. So the search went on trying to find the right place for her. We even looked into an IRTP (Intensive Residential Treatment Placement) but she again did not qualify for this because you have to be commitable, which she was not.
          We had meeting after meeting brainstorming what to do with her, because she was deemed "dangerous to society" by the judge back in August and was not allowed to come home until she was stable. If we could not find a placement for her she would have to go into DYS custody, which I was not looking forward to. Everyone knew that she would not get the proper treatment she needed while in DYS custody, so this was a last resort, when all else failed.
          After a much needed battle with our school system, they finally agreed to cost share with DMH and place her into a therapeutic RTC and thus began yet another search. The ability to access privately funded RTC opened up the door to 5 possibilities. We heard back from 3 of them within a week and 2 of those had immediate openings, the third would have an opening within 30 days. The interviews and placement visits happened within the course of a week and the final decision was made on which program for her would work out best for her. Within another week, we were before the judge asking permission for her to move into her new program that afternoon. Praise God, permission was granted and we were on our way. After a very stressful day of making sure everything was put into place for her to move into her new school. We finally made it to her new school at 5 pm at night. My DD#2 was so happy to be in her new home and looking forward to settling in and starting school on the following Monday.
          It has now been 2 weeks since we moved my DD#2 into her new school and have had nothing but good reports from both the residence staff and the school staff as well as reports from my DD herself. During one of our many phone calls with my DD#2 over the last few months that she has been out of the home, I was floored when she actually said she was doing her homework. I have not seen her do homework in over a year, never mind doing work at school. Granted this is still her "honeymoon" period but I am praying daily that she remains on board with her treatment as well as her school work. Maybe this is a turning point for us all. There is hope that she will come back to us at some point now.