All But One

          One summer day in August, we went on a family trip, but we were one family member shy. The day was beautiful, not too hot but sunny. The day was very memorable for all of us in our own ways. My DD's 1 & 3 would remember this as the day they were able to go back in time to the early 1900's. For me however it was a little harder to think of this as a joyous day. For me it was our first family outing without my DD#2. This was the day that I had to admit that our little family makeup was changing. The day when I had to admit to myself that life did have to go on without her.

          It was a very emotional day. A day that I had to fight back the tears. A day that I had to put on that happy face for my family's sake. A day I had to be happy my other two daughters were with me. My mother knew I was ready for a day of rest from the emotional rollercoaster we had been on. she knew today would be good for all of us.

          Yes it did turn out to be an enjoyable day, it just took an hour or so to let go of the thought that DD#2 was not with us to enjoy the day. As I load up the pictures onto my computer and looking through them again brings those thoughts back to the fore front of my brain. I guess this is something I need to get used to, for the time being.

          I spoke to my DD#2 while writing this blog, and she seems happy where she is, so maybe this isnt so bad. She was happy to hear that our outing went well and is excited to be able to see the pictures later on this evening when we go to visit her. Maybe all we all needed was some time away and in new invironments. I don't know for sure but time will tell.

Tears

         
          Today was a particularly difficult day for me, it seems like each day is more difficult then the previous. Each day brings new struggles and obsticals that I thought I had already over come. As I drove over the roads I have driven so many times before, thoughts over came me. I began thinking about how my life has changed from what I was used to, to what it has become.
          I realized that this is what my life is and that I need to get used to it or go mad fighting it. I gave into the realization that I would no longer be a full time mom to my DD#2. I would have to get used to driving to go visit her rather then poke my head in the bedroom. Can one get used to this? I don't know but I will find out.
          Just because this is the way it has to be does not mean I have to like it or get used to it. I just wish the tears would take a hike when Im driving. It makes it hard to see the road and the other cars. I know the tears have a purpose and it is healthy to cry but it is not a favorate thing to do. Is it really anyone favorate pasttime?

Is This Fair?

          We live in the land of the free and the brave yet there are times when this country is not fair. When in this country the union between a man and a women it considered sacred. So sacred that you are legally protected by law, never to have to testify against your spouse. Why then is there no bond like that between a parent and a child?
          How can a union between two individuals be held higher then that of a parent and a child? Children come as a result of that union, from our own flesh. Yet there is no law to protect that union.
          I was sitting here thinking last night about how my life right now can not get any worse then it was. I had been grieving the loss of my child (physical loss, not to death) to the courts mercy. This is a horrible thing for a parent to go through. Feeling like a failure as a parent. This morning though was the turning point for me. The point where I really do not know what choice's I have left as a parent.
          It has seemed like an eternity since my DD#2 was arrested three days ago for threatening me. I had no say about the arrest nor did I have any say in her being charged for 2 counts of domestic assault. This morning I found out that I also have no say in testifying against my DD#2 either. If I decide not to go to court on the date on the summons, then I will be arrested!
          How can a mother protect her child when the laws don't allow us too? How can those laws we live by force and fight for, turn around and make us betray our own flesh and blood? This is not fair to us as parents.

Serenity?

          I know it has been a while since my last post but life goes on whether we want it to or not. Life has given me more then I can handle alone, lately. I am quickly becoming over run with emotions and situations that I have no answers for. Even with my education in the mental health field didn't even prepare me for these past few days. I can't sleep very well. I can't eat more then a few bites without feeling like I am going to be sick. I can't even let the tears flow because I'm afraid they will never stop flowing. I know it will get better, easier, for me to come to terms with everything, in time.

          Loosing a child to MI is not easy whether you are talking literally (death), figuratively (alive but emotionally lost) or legally (courts). I think in some ways each of these situations can become crippling. When you loose a child to death, you no longer have them to physically hold onto but you can at some point move past that through the grief process. When you loose a child emotionally, because of what the MI does to the brain and daily functioning, you still have your child to hold onto. To hold and cuddle even when they do not want it. To see every morning and to deal with all that comes along with MI.

          The latter is the one I want to address here. I am loosing my DD#2 to other people that are better equipped to dealing with her. I can no longer see her sleeping peacefully at night. I will no longer be able to hold her while she is ragging and try to calm her down. I wont be able to just go for a walk with her or take a photography trip. I wont be able to "snuggle", one of her favorite things to do when she is anxious.

          Granted I will still be able to deal with the doctors caring for her. I'll still be dealing with the lawyer that is handling her legal matters. I will still be on an emotional rollercoaster called life with MI. I will still get those glares from people who just do not understand why she is the way she is. I will still see the ones who judge me and criticize what I have done and I am doing now.

          I was granted these girls to be the best mother I can be with God's help. God didn't give me these kids to be a part time mother. I am NOT giving up on my DD just because other people say she needs more then I can give. I will continue to fight this battle with all that is in my heart. I can't give up until I have some peace and serenity within my soul.