Serenity?

          I know it has been a while since my last post but life goes on whether we want it to or not. Life has given me more then I can handle alone, lately. I am quickly becoming over run with emotions and situations that I have no answers for. Even with my education in the mental health field didn't even prepare me for these past few days. I can't sleep very well. I can't eat more then a few bites without feeling like I am going to be sick. I can't even let the tears flow because I'm afraid they will never stop flowing. I know it will get better, easier, for me to come to terms with everything, in time.

          Loosing a child to MI is not easy whether you are talking literally (death), figuratively (alive but emotionally lost) or legally (courts). I think in some ways each of these situations can become crippling. When you loose a child to death, you no longer have them to physically hold onto but you can at some point move past that through the grief process. When you loose a child emotionally, because of what the MI does to the brain and daily functioning, you still have your child to hold onto. To hold and cuddle even when they do not want it. To see every morning and to deal with all that comes along with MI.

          The latter is the one I want to address here. I am loosing my DD#2 to other people that are better equipped to dealing with her. I can no longer see her sleeping peacefully at night. I will no longer be able to hold her while she is ragging and try to calm her down. I wont be able to just go for a walk with her or take a photography trip. I wont be able to "snuggle", one of her favorite things to do when she is anxious.

          Granted I will still be able to deal with the doctors caring for her. I'll still be dealing with the lawyer that is handling her legal matters. I will still be on an emotional rollercoaster called life with MI. I will still get those glares from people who just do not understand why she is the way she is. I will still see the ones who judge me and criticize what I have done and I am doing now.

          I was granted these girls to be the best mother I can be with God's help. God didn't give me these kids to be a part time mother. I am NOT giving up on my DD just because other people say she needs more then I can give. I will continue to fight this battle with all that is in my heart. I can't give up until I have some peace and serenity within my soul.