Baby Steps

          The last week or so we have been taking our days, our hours and our minutes, one step at a time. Like a baby's first tentative steps, sometimes taking things one step at a time is the only way to make it. One baby step at a time.
          That is what we have been doing with my DD #2, one baby step at a time. Sometimes we do one step forward and two steps back and sometimes we don't even get that one step forward but ever positive step is better then nothing.  We have to be willing to accept what we can get and not become so wrapped up in what they are not doing.
          My DD #2 was once again discharged from yet another phosp stay, one in which all the personal involved agreed she did not need, yet because of the laws of the land say that inpatient stay was necessary. It was a waste of time, gas and state funds to do this but I understand that the precaution needed to be there.
          Since her discharge the days have not been easy. Refusal to go to school, verbally fighting with staff at her RTC and even walking out of the program house without permission. What normally is a few good days after a phosp stay, was not evident this time. When one is not willing to even take those baby steps, it makes it hard for all those around her to be able to help her.
          So now all the providers have to meet again to discuss what we can do next, where the motion forward is minimal. A new RTC? A different group home? DYS custody? So many questions and no easy answers. With the time ever come where my DD#2 stop fighting those who are trying to help her. Will she ever begin to take baby steps again? I pray she will for her own sake.

Calm After the Storm

         
          After a particularly difficult time in our life, after the second arrest of my DD#2, there is a calm so to speak. That calmness is not always a welcome event. For the first week or so it is a welcome sight, to finally not be running around with your head cut off. I can finally relax for more then a few moments or hours. Not have to worry about the next blow up. Not have to worry about who will be the next one being attacked. The ability to get more then one or two things done without interruption.
          That calm becomes over bearing though after a few days. I sit here finding myself thinking of what else I can do. My house is cleaned from top to bottom. I have arraigned more then one room. Things are caught up that have been put off long enough. I am reminded of too much down time can be dangerous, mentally.
           I sit here day after day about what has transpired over the last few weeks. In a way wishing for yet another blow up because at least then I know what I need to do. This quiet after the storm is un nerving, it is too much for me to handle. The memories of what was said in anger come flooding back. I know the words were said in anger and they do not bother me in that regard. The words play over and over in my head because of what happened because of them.
           The threatening words were just that ......words. Yet those words have changed our lives, maybe forever. I pray they will just become a changing point in our lives. A change for the better. A change where my DD#2 gets what she needs. A change for the family as a whole. I have to look for the positive in our lives because without positive thoughts, all I have is the damning words. The damning visions of the past. There has to be more. I can not give up now. I need to go on and look up for the strength from Him. To get beyond the silent storms that continue to brew within me.

All But One

          One summer day in August, we went on a family trip, but we were one family member shy. The day was beautiful, not too hot but sunny. The day was very memorable for all of us in our own ways. My DD's 1 & 3 would remember this as the day they were able to go back in time to the early 1900's. For me however it was a little harder to think of this as a joyous day. For me it was our first family outing without my DD#2. This was the day that I had to admit that our little family makeup was changing. The day when I had to admit to myself that life did have to go on without her.

          It was a very emotional day. A day that I had to fight back the tears. A day that I had to put on that happy face for my family's sake. A day I had to be happy my other two daughters were with me. My mother knew I was ready for a day of rest from the emotional rollercoaster we had been on. she knew today would be good for all of us.

          Yes it did turn out to be an enjoyable day, it just took an hour or so to let go of the thought that DD#2 was not with us to enjoy the day. As I load up the pictures onto my computer and looking through them again brings those thoughts back to the fore front of my brain. I guess this is something I need to get used to, for the time being.

          I spoke to my DD#2 while writing this blog, and she seems happy where she is, so maybe this isnt so bad. She was happy to hear that our outing went well and is excited to be able to see the pictures later on this evening when we go to visit her. Maybe all we all needed was some time away and in new invironments. I don't know for sure but time will tell.

Tears

         
          Today was a particularly difficult day for me, it seems like each day is more difficult then the previous. Each day brings new struggles and obsticals that I thought I had already over come. As I drove over the roads I have driven so many times before, thoughts over came me. I began thinking about how my life has changed from what I was used to, to what it has become.
          I realized that this is what my life is and that I need to get used to it or go mad fighting it. I gave into the realization that I would no longer be a full time mom to my DD#2. I would have to get used to driving to go visit her rather then poke my head in the bedroom. Can one get used to this? I don't know but I will find out.
          Just because this is the way it has to be does not mean I have to like it or get used to it. I just wish the tears would take a hike when Im driving. It makes it hard to see the road and the other cars. I know the tears have a purpose and it is healthy to cry but it is not a favorate thing to do. Is it really anyone favorate pasttime?

Is This Fair?

          We live in the land of the free and the brave yet there are times when this country is not fair. When in this country the union between a man and a women it considered sacred. So sacred that you are legally protected by law, never to have to testify against your spouse. Why then is there no bond like that between a parent and a child?
          How can a union between two individuals be held higher then that of a parent and a child? Children come as a result of that union, from our own flesh. Yet there is no law to protect that union.
          I was sitting here thinking last night about how my life right now can not get any worse then it was. I had been grieving the loss of my child (physical loss, not to death) to the courts mercy. This is a horrible thing for a parent to go through. Feeling like a failure as a parent. This morning though was the turning point for me. The point where I really do not know what choice's I have left as a parent.
          It has seemed like an eternity since my DD#2 was arrested three days ago for threatening me. I had no say about the arrest nor did I have any say in her being charged for 2 counts of domestic assault. This morning I found out that I also have no say in testifying against my DD#2 either. If I decide not to go to court on the date on the summons, then I will be arrested!
          How can a mother protect her child when the laws don't allow us too? How can those laws we live by force and fight for, turn around and make us betray our own flesh and blood? This is not fair to us as parents.

Serenity?

          I know it has been a while since my last post but life goes on whether we want it to or not. Life has given me more then I can handle alone, lately. I am quickly becoming over run with emotions and situations that I have no answers for. Even with my education in the mental health field didn't even prepare me for these past few days. I can't sleep very well. I can't eat more then a few bites without feeling like I am going to be sick. I can't even let the tears flow because I'm afraid they will never stop flowing. I know it will get better, easier, for me to come to terms with everything, in time.

          Loosing a child to MI is not easy whether you are talking literally (death), figuratively (alive but emotionally lost) or legally (courts). I think in some ways each of these situations can become crippling. When you loose a child to death, you no longer have them to physically hold onto but you can at some point move past that through the grief process. When you loose a child emotionally, because of what the MI does to the brain and daily functioning, you still have your child to hold onto. To hold and cuddle even when they do not want it. To see every morning and to deal with all that comes along with MI.

          The latter is the one I want to address here. I am loosing my DD#2 to other people that are better equipped to dealing with her. I can no longer see her sleeping peacefully at night. I will no longer be able to hold her while she is ragging and try to calm her down. I wont be able to just go for a walk with her or take a photography trip. I wont be able to "snuggle", one of her favorite things to do when she is anxious.

          Granted I will still be able to deal with the doctors caring for her. I'll still be dealing with the lawyer that is handling her legal matters. I will still be on an emotional rollercoaster called life with MI. I will still get those glares from people who just do not understand why she is the way she is. I will still see the ones who judge me and criticize what I have done and I am doing now.

          I was granted these girls to be the best mother I can be with God's help. God didn't give me these kids to be a part time mother. I am NOT giving up on my DD just because other people say she needs more then I can give. I will continue to fight this battle with all that is in my heart. I can't give up until I have some peace and serenity within my soul.

Changes

          The first few years of life is a total learning experience that will follow you the rest of your life. You learn to walk and talk, you learn to play and communicate. You learn to deal with other people and to make lasting friendships. A treasure trove of learning is done during the first years that give you the tools to become who you want to be.
          The second part of your life, you learn more about who you are and who you want to be. You learn what honor, trust and love are and what you can do with them. You can build others up and you can tear them down, which ever you are looking for. During these years you also struggle with inner battles, battles that can only be fought by you. Who you rely on and believe in will determine the outcome.
          Even before you are ready to graduate into the world we call adulthood, you begin the never ending battle within that can take its toll. You think you have it all figured out until the rug gets pulled out from under your feet. Time and time again just when you think you'll do fine. You begin to wonder when things would go "your way", but it never seems to come.
          All of these things everyone has to go through at some point in their lives. Even the healthiest minds have trouble with it sometimes. Add MI into this equation and it is even harder, if not seem impossible to the individual. As an adult you do not have someone there to remind you to take your meds. You do not have one to tell you that you need to get some more sleep or your emotions will become harder to deal with. No one to remind you to eat healthy or to eat at all.
          I dread this time for my child. I do not want to see her hurt. I do not want to see her struggle. I do not want to see her in pain. No parent does. This unfortunatly is something that we have to sit back and pray that they remember just how much we love them and come for help when they are ready. I am not ready for this time in my life, it has only just begun and I am scared for my child. Scared that she will go so far down the road before realizing I am here for her. All I can do is pray and pray I will do.