Ugly Things

       There are so many everyday things that are compounded when one has MI. There are many times when you have no idea how to get a point or idea across to a MI person, much less a child with MI. The mind is a very complex organ that rules every part of the body. When the mind can not grasp something, it throws everything else out of whack.
       When a child is having a "temper tantrum", regardless of the age, it can get pretty "messy" depending on how they were handled in the past. When a parent ignores the tantrum, most likely each subsequent tantrum is less and less because they do not get the reaction they were looking for. Thus you would think that if the parent ends up coddling or "feeding" into the tantrum, the child will continue to tantrum, right?
        When you are dealing with a child with MI, these tantrums and/or outcomes of tantrums do not always follow suite no mater what the parent may or may not do. Things can become rather ugly very fast with no sign of ending in sight. With the mind of a MI individual, it does not process information, whether it is visual, verbal or physical, the same way as others.
       My DD #1 has LD's as well as MI so in addition to her slow processing rate, her mind is "wired" differently. What we see as serious, she may see as a joke. When others may look at a situation and they perceive it one way, she would perceive it another way. When you think about this as a persons point of view or a personal opinion and that differs from hers, then you are taking the other persons side. She can not see that everyone has their own opinion on the same situation.
        Things turn very ugly when you are trying to explain this to my DD #1. I think I would have better luck bashing my head in with a wall then to get her to understand this point. It is very hard to get her to see other people's points of view without her getting all worked up and stomping off in either tears or swearing and putting herself down thinking everyone is "out to get her" or "taking everyone else's side but hers". In all honesty, we usually end up yelling at each other trying to get our points across to each other.
        I hate to see her in tears over a misunderstanding like this. I have yet to figure out how to deal with this type of situation. The reason it ends like this 90% of the time is because she ends up verbally attacking a sibling and to end that, I end up yelling to the point she storms off. I feel like I am in a tug of war between my children. Hurting one to save another, a no win situation. Why can't life be easier for MI individuals and their loved ones? Why do siblings that get caught in the crossfire end up with anxiety issues themselves? How can you save all the involved individuals from the pain of having a loved one with MI?
       You can't and that is why we must continue to push forward even when we don't feel we can anymore. Just one more step. One more foot. One more yard. One more mile. Sometimes it does get easier but most of the time newer and harder things develop.

Too Much

       There are many times, like parents of children without disabilities, that we are pushed beyond our own knowledge of how to handle certain situations. Much like that of a first time parent, we do what we can with what we are given. We also learn what works and what doesn't as well as different ways to manage.
       With the added stress of a disabled child, situations can push the parent to the extreme of emotions and leave us dumbfounded. I have times when I feel like I want to pull out my hair and not knowing what to do, compounds those emotions. I have too many days where I sit and scream inside because I have tried everything I can possibly think of to help my DD's but nothing works.
       Individuals with MI are somewhat difficult to deal with on a daily basis, and yes I used the word "deal" for a reason. I love my children and nothing they do can or will change that. Working day to day with issue's due to their MI is so much like a job. You have to try things that normally, as a parent, you may not need to do. I struggle with this so much and it wreaks havoc within my own mind and yes at times I feel like a failure to them.
        I remember one morning being woken up at 4:30 am but my two youngest DD's. I got up to find out what was going on. My DD #2 was wanting "time alone" (something we needed to do when she becomes frustrated in order to calm down). I tried to explain to her that she can not request ( on this morning she demanded it) "time alone" during sleeping hours. Within 30 minutes we went from quiet to yelling and becoming physically violent and waking up our neighbors who we not so understanding. In order to quickly calm her down, I removed the youngest of the two from the room and sent her to my bed to go back to sleep.
        I sat on my bed for the next 30 minutes trying to convince myself that marching in her room yelling at her to "do as I say and go back to bed" would not make the situation any better. I didn't like that fact that I was feeling like I was "giving into" her and allowing her to "rule the house". This went against everything within me to allow her time to cool down so that we could go over what happened and what we could do differently next time, because there will be a next time.
        These are the times that I feel like pulling out my hair and screaming at the top of my lungs because of being so frustrated. The times that I sit and cry because I do not know what to do are just as equally frustrating. The only other thing that is more frustrating is when I feel like I have failed. Failed as a parent and a mother. Failed as someone who my children look up to as a protector and provider. Failed as the parent who is supposed to be there for them emotionally and physically and I can't because I am either too tired or drained emotionally.