Holiday Grief

          I have spent too many days in the last two months dealing with feelings that I have never had to deal with before. Feelings that have remained unfathomable to me, grief. I have lost many loved ones to death in my 41 yrs but none have effected me like the grief I have been feeling. I have not physically lost a loved one in the last 2 month yet the grief is almost unbearable.
          My DD#2 has been in a phosp now since October 30th and there is no end to this in sight. We are in the process of applying for a placement in an IRTP (Intensive Residential Treatment Placement). An IRTP placement involves committing a person in a longer term phosp. I have had to realize that my DD#2 may never come back home to us. This is specially hard for a parent to accept because it means that all of your holidays will never been the same again. It means that you can never tuck your child in at night. It means you can never see your child when ever you want, you have to schedule visits to see them.
          I have several friends and acquaintances that have physically lost loved ones and that loss has effected them day after day and holiday after holiday. Their grief continues month after month, year after year. I could never understand why grief effects those  individuals for so long. I always saw grief as something one goes through for a few days or weeks and then you get over it and move on. I have never had grief last because I truly believe that loved ones have gone onto a better place and are no longer in pain.
          I do not like what this grief has developed inside me. A very large black hole within me. A pit that is trying to develop into a HUGE valley. I find myself almost daily praying for relief from it because each time it shows its ugly face, it gets harder and harder to look to God for relief. I find myself wanting to just stay in bed instead of facing my day with a smile. I have to keep reminding myself that I have two other children that need their mother. Need their mother to carry on with each new day. Even more so, they need their mother to show them that life does go on even in difficult times.
          So whether I want to or not, I must get up, get dressed and put that smile on my face each day. For them, I need to show them that everything will be fine even though their sister can not be with us. As they go day to day, being more relaxed and open without the constant upheaval that their sister has caused. Seeing them smile, laugh and goof off as sisters should, I sit crying inside that one is missing. I am reminded that when my DD#2 is not here, there are weeks of joy instead of hours. I miss having my DD#2 home but I do not miss the constant walking on eggshells and fear of when her next blow up will happen and who will get hurt by it, but I do miss her terribly.

Holidays

          I have made it a point to share from the heart on this blog and I have done just that. Today's blog post is going to be the hardest one yet to write. The holidays are difficult for many who have lost loved one's during the year. I lost my father back in 2002 and yes that first Thanksgiving and Christmas were difficult but we all managed to get through it.
          This year is already turning out to be harder then 2002 and we haven't even gotten to Christmas yet. My DD#2 has been living in various group homes and phosp's for 3 months now and it seems to get harder and harder as more time passes. I know that she is getting the help she needs and I believe that one day she will be allowed to come back home to us, but we just have to wait for that day to come.
          Thanksgiving was difficult where we cooked it all ahead of time and then packaged it all up. Thanksgiving morning, we loaded up the car and brought it all for our 1 1/2 hour drive to be able to spend 1 hour with my DD#2 so we could celebrate together. The time we had with her was great and it was good to see all 3 kids together for the first time in almost a month. See my DD#3 isn't old enough to visit her sister except on holidays, there is an age restriction.
          I am NOT looking forward to Christmas this year. I think this is the first time I can ever remembering feeling this way. Yes I have had Christmas's without my kids, when they went to celebrate it with their father, but this is different. They needed their time with their father as well as time with me and that was ok. This year I don't even know what to get my DD#2, so many things are restricted, including pencils!
          Everyday there is more and more Christmas movies featuring families getting together, all happy and joyous. Each day is harder and harder for me to face it with a smile on my face. I just wrote a post on a support group I belong to and broke down in tears, and you know how much I hate tears! I am loosing my composure daily now thinking about the up coming holiday. Thinking about how we are going to be able to celebrate with all the rules and regulations. Can I even wrap gifts to her so she can open them? Did I take all the staples, string, sharps out of presents so she can have them with her?
          I am to the point now that I dread waking up the next morning. What else is going to happen with her? Will we even be able to see her on Christmas if she is having a bad day? I am having a hard time even putting that smile on my face everyday and acting like all is good. Yes I give this all up to God to handle and use for His glory but the tears are still here, ready to flow, daily. The fears of this being our life from here on out and not to ever get my DD#2 back the way she was before BP took over her life. Will we ever be a true family again? Only God knows that answer but I sure wish He would clue me in on it cause I am scared, worried and hopeless not knowing what will happen next.

Involved Agencies

          When you are dealing with a child with MI, you also have to deal with different agencies in order to get the services your child may need. This is an inevitable thing that will happen whether you want them involved or not, some times you have no choice in the matter. Dealing with different agencies can be quit stressful as well as confusing at times. Some can come in and just over see things to make sure your child is getting their needs met and you barely notice they are even there most of the time.
          I have had a variety of agencies involved in our lives in the last 10 years of dealing with MI. Some of the agencies we have had dealings with are DMH (Department Of Mental Health), DCF (Department of Children and Families), DYS (Department of Youth Services), CAP (I cant for the life of me remember what that stands for), ICC (Intensive Case Coordinators), YV (Youth Villages) .......and the list could go on and on into medical agencies as well as legal ones.
          For those of us that are seeking help for our children, getting an agency involved can somewhat be tricky. When I first embarked on this road of moderate to sever MI children, I got more then one door shut in my face by agencies. I was told many times that I did not qualify for their agency because I did not have other agencies involved in our lives. When prompted as to how to get them involved in our lives, I was told that the children have to be abused or neglected to get workers.
          I was dumbfounded when I was told I didn't qualify for help because I did NOT abuse or neglect the needs of my children. Talk about twisting parents ideas of our mental health system. I, a loving and nurturing parent, could NOT get help because I took care of them? In all honesty after getting that reply time after time of calling all the agencies I could think of, I seriously thought...........ok, how much can I neglect/abuse my kids to get help? Thank God those thoughts were quickly passing and I never did such a thing, but what is this society saying to parents like me? Yes I did finally get some help with my children but I had to fight with the "state" to be allowed to voluntarily get help from an agency that most parents cringe at the thought of them being involved in their family.  
          Now years later, I am once again faced with having this same agency involved in our lives again but under different circumstances. I am a little ambivalent to go forward with this because it involves more then last time. Granted I know that my DD#2 needs to be involved with this agency in order to move forward toward some sort of stability but that does not take away my anxiety this time. I have to hold my breathe and hold my head up and know that I am making the right decisions for her. I long for her to be stable again and to be able to return home and have the ability to be safe at home. This has been the longest last 7 weeks of my life so far. It is not over and I am sure there is a lot more to come before she becomes an adult.

SI

          In past post's that I have written, I have covered some of the "why's" surrounding SI. This post however is going to be about a parents view of their child's SI. A former cutter's view of seeing SI in their child.
          Yes I admit, I am a former "cutter", back when cutting was seen as a suicidal attempt. Period! Cutting wasn't understood back when I was a teenager, but is it really understood even now? People who have never cut or partaken in other self injurious behaviors, can't truely understand why people continue to do this, time and time again.
          Lets take a look at cutting since this is playing yet another role in my life. Lets look at how cutting affects loved ones who see it happening and can't stop the pain of their loved one. Today I was face to face with my DD#2 and saw about a dozen cuts on her forearm. I had already been informed by her program staff that she had done it but today I saw it for myself. I wasn't shocked to see it nor did I make a big deal about it.
          Inside my heart was crying out for mercy. Trying to rack my mind about what I could have done differently to avoid this. Did I miss some signs that this was coming? What can I do to stop her pain? What can I say that could help her? Should I talk to her about mr experience with cutting? Show her that I understand what she is going through. Show her that she is not the only one. So many questions with no easy answers.
          Im reminded of what those red lines ment to me. Are those the same reasons for her? Is she feeling so alone and out of control that she needs to cut to control of atleast one thing in her life? This pains me so much to see her like this. It breaks my heart that she is hurting this much inside and I can't stop the pain. Why can't I take her pain onto myself so she can be happy and carefree? Why Lord? Why allow this to happen to my child? Hasn't she been through enough already? Please keep her safe, Jesus. Please don't let this be her final cry. Hold her, protect her even from herself.
         

Baby Steps

          The last week or so we have been taking our days, our hours and our minutes, one step at a time. Like a baby's first tentative steps, sometimes taking things one step at a time is the only way to make it. One baby step at a time.
          That is what we have been doing with my DD #2, one baby step at a time. Sometimes we do one step forward and two steps back and sometimes we don't even get that one step forward but ever positive step is better then nothing.  We have to be willing to accept what we can get and not become so wrapped up in what they are not doing.
          My DD #2 was once again discharged from yet another phosp stay, one in which all the personal involved agreed she did not need, yet because of the laws of the land say that inpatient stay was necessary. It was a waste of time, gas and state funds to do this but I understand that the precaution needed to be there.
          Since her discharge the days have not been easy. Refusal to go to school, verbally fighting with staff at her RTC and even walking out of the program house without permission. What normally is a few good days after a phosp stay, was not evident this time. When one is not willing to even take those baby steps, it makes it hard for all those around her to be able to help her.
          So now all the providers have to meet again to discuss what we can do next, where the motion forward is minimal. A new RTC? A different group home? DYS custody? So many questions and no easy answers. With the time ever come where my DD#2 stop fighting those who are trying to help her. Will she ever begin to take baby steps again? I pray she will for her own sake.

Calm After the Storm

         
          After a particularly difficult time in our life, after the second arrest of my DD#2, there is a calm so to speak. That calmness is not always a welcome event. For the first week or so it is a welcome sight, to finally not be running around with your head cut off. I can finally relax for more then a few moments or hours. Not have to worry about the next blow up. Not have to worry about who will be the next one being attacked. The ability to get more then one or two things done without interruption.
          That calm becomes over bearing though after a few days. I sit here finding myself thinking of what else I can do. My house is cleaned from top to bottom. I have arraigned more then one room. Things are caught up that have been put off long enough. I am reminded of too much down time can be dangerous, mentally.
           I sit here day after day about what has transpired over the last few weeks. In a way wishing for yet another blow up because at least then I know what I need to do. This quiet after the storm is un nerving, it is too much for me to handle. The memories of what was said in anger come flooding back. I know the words were said in anger and they do not bother me in that regard. The words play over and over in my head because of what happened because of them.
           The threatening words were just that ......words. Yet those words have changed our lives, maybe forever. I pray they will just become a changing point in our lives. A change for the better. A change where my DD#2 gets what she needs. A change for the family as a whole. I have to look for the positive in our lives because without positive thoughts, all I have is the damning words. The damning visions of the past. There has to be more. I can not give up now. I need to go on and look up for the strength from Him. To get beyond the silent storms that continue to brew within me.

All But One

          One summer day in August, we went on a family trip, but we were one family member shy. The day was beautiful, not too hot but sunny. The day was very memorable for all of us in our own ways. My DD's 1 & 3 would remember this as the day they were able to go back in time to the early 1900's. For me however it was a little harder to think of this as a joyous day. For me it was our first family outing without my DD#2. This was the day that I had to admit that our little family makeup was changing. The day when I had to admit to myself that life did have to go on without her.

          It was a very emotional day. A day that I had to fight back the tears. A day that I had to put on that happy face for my family's sake. A day I had to be happy my other two daughters were with me. My mother knew I was ready for a day of rest from the emotional rollercoaster we had been on. she knew today would be good for all of us.

          Yes it did turn out to be an enjoyable day, it just took an hour or so to let go of the thought that DD#2 was not with us to enjoy the day. As I load up the pictures onto my computer and looking through them again brings those thoughts back to the fore front of my brain. I guess this is something I need to get used to, for the time being.

          I spoke to my DD#2 while writing this blog, and she seems happy where she is, so maybe this isnt so bad. She was happy to hear that our outing went well and is excited to be able to see the pictures later on this evening when we go to visit her. Maybe all we all needed was some time away and in new invironments. I don't know for sure but time will tell.

Tears

         
          Today was a particularly difficult day for me, it seems like each day is more difficult then the previous. Each day brings new struggles and obsticals that I thought I had already over come. As I drove over the roads I have driven so many times before, thoughts over came me. I began thinking about how my life has changed from what I was used to, to what it has become.
          I realized that this is what my life is and that I need to get used to it or go mad fighting it. I gave into the realization that I would no longer be a full time mom to my DD#2. I would have to get used to driving to go visit her rather then poke my head in the bedroom. Can one get used to this? I don't know but I will find out.
          Just because this is the way it has to be does not mean I have to like it or get used to it. I just wish the tears would take a hike when Im driving. It makes it hard to see the road and the other cars. I know the tears have a purpose and it is healthy to cry but it is not a favorate thing to do. Is it really anyone favorate pasttime?

Is This Fair?

          We live in the land of the free and the brave yet there are times when this country is not fair. When in this country the union between a man and a women it considered sacred. So sacred that you are legally protected by law, never to have to testify against your spouse. Why then is there no bond like that between a parent and a child?
          How can a union between two individuals be held higher then that of a parent and a child? Children come as a result of that union, from our own flesh. Yet there is no law to protect that union.
          I was sitting here thinking last night about how my life right now can not get any worse then it was. I had been grieving the loss of my child (physical loss, not to death) to the courts mercy. This is a horrible thing for a parent to go through. Feeling like a failure as a parent. This morning though was the turning point for me. The point where I really do not know what choice's I have left as a parent.
          It has seemed like an eternity since my DD#2 was arrested three days ago for threatening me. I had no say about the arrest nor did I have any say in her being charged for 2 counts of domestic assault. This morning I found out that I also have no say in testifying against my DD#2 either. If I decide not to go to court on the date on the summons, then I will be arrested!
          How can a mother protect her child when the laws don't allow us too? How can those laws we live by force and fight for, turn around and make us betray our own flesh and blood? This is not fair to us as parents.

Serenity?

          I know it has been a while since my last post but life goes on whether we want it to or not. Life has given me more then I can handle alone, lately. I am quickly becoming over run with emotions and situations that I have no answers for. Even with my education in the mental health field didn't even prepare me for these past few days. I can't sleep very well. I can't eat more then a few bites without feeling like I am going to be sick. I can't even let the tears flow because I'm afraid they will never stop flowing. I know it will get better, easier, for me to come to terms with everything, in time.

          Loosing a child to MI is not easy whether you are talking literally (death), figuratively (alive but emotionally lost) or legally (courts). I think in some ways each of these situations can become crippling. When you loose a child to death, you no longer have them to physically hold onto but you can at some point move past that through the grief process. When you loose a child emotionally, because of what the MI does to the brain and daily functioning, you still have your child to hold onto. To hold and cuddle even when they do not want it. To see every morning and to deal with all that comes along with MI.

          The latter is the one I want to address here. I am loosing my DD#2 to other people that are better equipped to dealing with her. I can no longer see her sleeping peacefully at night. I will no longer be able to hold her while she is ragging and try to calm her down. I wont be able to just go for a walk with her or take a photography trip. I wont be able to "snuggle", one of her favorite things to do when she is anxious.

          Granted I will still be able to deal with the doctors caring for her. I'll still be dealing with the lawyer that is handling her legal matters. I will still be on an emotional rollercoaster called life with MI. I will still get those glares from people who just do not understand why she is the way she is. I will still see the ones who judge me and criticize what I have done and I am doing now.

          I was granted these girls to be the best mother I can be with God's help. God didn't give me these kids to be a part time mother. I am NOT giving up on my DD just because other people say she needs more then I can give. I will continue to fight this battle with all that is in my heart. I can't give up until I have some peace and serenity within my soul.

Changes

          The first few years of life is a total learning experience that will follow you the rest of your life. You learn to walk and talk, you learn to play and communicate. You learn to deal with other people and to make lasting friendships. A treasure trove of learning is done during the first years that give you the tools to become who you want to be.
          The second part of your life, you learn more about who you are and who you want to be. You learn what honor, trust and love are and what you can do with them. You can build others up and you can tear them down, which ever you are looking for. During these years you also struggle with inner battles, battles that can only be fought by you. Who you rely on and believe in will determine the outcome.
          Even before you are ready to graduate into the world we call adulthood, you begin the never ending battle within that can take its toll. You think you have it all figured out until the rug gets pulled out from under your feet. Time and time again just when you think you'll do fine. You begin to wonder when things would go "your way", but it never seems to come.
          All of these things everyone has to go through at some point in their lives. Even the healthiest minds have trouble with it sometimes. Add MI into this equation and it is even harder, if not seem impossible to the individual. As an adult you do not have someone there to remind you to take your meds. You do not have one to tell you that you need to get some more sleep or your emotions will become harder to deal with. No one to remind you to eat healthy or to eat at all.
          I dread this time for my child. I do not want to see her hurt. I do not want to see her struggle. I do not want to see her in pain. No parent does. This unfortunatly is something that we have to sit back and pray that they remember just how much we love them and come for help when they are ready. I am not ready for this time in my life, it has only just begun and I am scared for my child. Scared that she will go so far down the road before realizing I am here for her. All I can do is pray and pray I will do.


Walled In? Walled Out?

          Sometimes I wonder about the walls that we all build around ourselves. Are they to keep others out? Are they to protect? Or are they to hide behind? Yet others still are there just ram our heads against in times of insanity!
          I feel like I stand before my wall, beating my head against it time and time again. Wondering why I keep doing so when it gets me nothing but a huge headache. Why do we as parents continue to beat our heads, trying to find solutions to problems that never seem to go away.
           Why do we continue to help those who do not want it? Do things for ppl who don't care if they ever change but demand that those around them change? How do we get it through their heads that what they are doing is hurting more then just them? How do we get them to let go of things and quit throwing it back in our faces every chance they get?
          It is so hard dealing with someone with MI to the point where you literally feel like we would have better luck beating our heads against a brick wall. I sit here trying desperately to think of a way to repair my family once again ripped by the tongue of another. How can I continue to do this and reassure all that they matter to me or that I am not taking sides?
          There is no real way to do just this and I know that one will be hurt by this. I know which one it will be also but it can not be avoided. The "kid gloves" will not continue to work in this matter because they are getting older and will see through it. Why are we as parents put in this position to have to choose between our children?
           I love them all and can not choose, will not choose. I wish, oh do I wish that there was an easy solution to such a difficult matter. I wish MI had an on/off switch so that we could turn it off just for a few minutes and have a conversation with common sense. To allow your loved one to just see what their actions are doing to others and how much easier it would be to let go and move on with their lives.
            But as we know, there is no on/off switch to MI. There is no magic cure, nor is there an easy button. Life goes on though good and bad. We just have to keep picking ourselves up by our bootstraps and get on with our lives.

Love The Sinner

                    As I sit here thinking over a conversation I had earlier this evening, I sit and wonder what is the best way to handle this situation. Due to the fact that there are LD's as well as MI, how much did those issues have a play in what was shared? Does the person actually know what they are saying and how much of it was learned by society itself? Does this person believe what they are saying or are they sharing this information because they want to be apart of a group and feel accepted?
          The tears and the heartache in this persons voice was evident as they shared what they had written, as if these were true feelings. Yet these feelings and thoughts could not be explained or backed up with the all time question of why they feel the way they do. All that could be shared beyond the "facts" is that if I would just go to a group and learn more about this subject, so I could accept them and their choice. Is it possible for one to feel this strongly about something without a reason to have this passion?
          I ended our talk with the fact that I love the person and nothing could change that fact. Similar to the story in the bible about loving the sinner but not the sin. Regardless of what they thought was truth or not I would always love them, no more and no less. I am not sure if this has sunk into their head or if all they heard was I don't agree or support their choice. It is so hard to know how much of what someone says sticks in the head of the other.
          This matter is even more hindered when you add in the LD's and MI issues. Do they really understand what is said during a high emotional time? Can they comprehend the difference between love and support? I cant really answer these questions but I can say that we need to love those around us regardless of what they are doing. To love the person and not what they do or say.


note: I have purposely made this post vague because of the topic and the person involved.

Brave Little Voice

          I was sitting here this evening watching a movie that I have seen already several times yet new things pop into my mind every time I see it, that's the benefit of watching things more then once. This particular evening something about this movie hit me hard. I was watching the movie, Soul Surfer, and it had come to the part when Bethany was taking to her Christian friend after her accident and her friend had asked her how she was doing. Bethany replied in her "brave little voice" that she was doing ok. The next statement from her friend is what brought back a flood of memories from the past 15 months. Bethany's friend said, "don't be like that" and then Bethany replied with how she was really doing and feeling.
          So many times we go through life and hardships using our brave little voice and glossing over how we are really doing. When someone asks how we are doing or if we need anything, we smile and say that we are doing fine and not in need for anything. In reality you need a shoulder to cry on, someone who understands and does not condemn, you just need someone to hold your hand. I am famous for doing that...........using my brave little voice and trudging along as best I can.
          The past 15 months have been more then a faith and teaching time for me. My faith in God has carried me through more then I thought I could ever go through. In addition to straightening my faith it has showed me that I am not the strong, nothing can hurt me, type I thought I was. I recall talking to our Youth Pastor and when he asked how I was doing, my little brave voice ran away and I sobbed and was real with myself for the first time in my life. I couldn't go through this life anymore on my own. I needed help and I was finally so far down that I had to look up to see the bottom.
          Even though I hated to cry, specially in front of anyone, never mind on the phone, I was me. Not my brave little me but the hurting, broken me. The me that needed help.  This was a turning point in my life. This was the time, as a good friend once said to me, to shut up and take their help. I used to have such a difficult time allowing others to help me and I still do from time to time, but I am getting better with it. That once strong brave little voice has now become the little engine that could.............with help that is.

Me Or Them?

          Sometimes I sit here thinking to myself, wondering why two of my children have MI? Why did my children have to be subjected to the hard times we had? Why they turned out that way that they did? Was it me? Was it something I did wrong? Some times I even think that it was something I did or something I could have prevented? I know I have not always made the right choices in life nor am I the perfect mother, far from it at times.
          I made the choice to change some things in my life that I would be able to make it easier for my children. I made several wrong choices in the men I have married and had relationships with. This in itself was a huge change for my children and I. For a season in my life that lasted several years, I was not going to date because I didn't want to make yet another huge mistake.
          I met a man once that was so head over heals with me, we were young and went too fast. I chose to over look all the things in him my parents warned me about. I knew he was a good man and I didn't care who knew it until it was too late. After 6 years of seeing him for who he was and not through the rose colored glasses, I let the marriage. I could not put my children through this pain anymore. The relationship had all but come to an end by then and the children were suffering because of it.
          It was two years before I met my next boyfriend. This one was no better then the first one except for the fact that he seemed more genuine in wanting to be involved in my life and that of my children's. He spent time with my children teaching them things their own father never did. I thought I had found the man of my dreams until the nightmare began. A four year relationship came to a sudden stop when I found out he had been abusing one of my children.
          I know that these two relationships have nothing to do with each other and could have happened to anyone, MI or not. I also know that these two men had an impact on my children's lives both good and bad. I have sat here wondering how much of an impact these have made on their lives. I know it has made a huge impact on my ability to trust and enter into another relationship. I had one relationship that went no where because of my own fear that I would repeat another mistake. I pray that my DD#1 can get over the abuse she ensued before it makes a lasting impact on her life, it may be too late already.
           You see here that MI can be as a result of abuse and/or genetics. It can rear up its ugly head at anytime and any place. Yes I probably could have prevented the MI in my DD#1 by making different choices then I did, but I also know that in that of my DD#2, it is genetics and nothing could have prevented this. So here I sit with all my guilt of yesteryear's and all the hopes of tomorrows for better days. I can't change what has already happened but I can still change what tomorrow holds for my children. A brighter day is coming.

Prepare me

          As I sit here on a Sunday afternoon, on my laptop, with my DD's watching TV and using the desktop, I hear a song playing...............Lord prepare me, to be a sanctuary, pure and holy, tried and true. And with thanksgiving, I'll be a living, sanctuary, for you...........  The words keep rolling over and over in my head.
           Some of you who know me know that I love singing, whether it be secular songs or Christian, you will always hear me singing. Songs have brought me through a lot of hard times. Some speak to me through the words. Some speak to me through the feelings I get when I sing them. Other just calm me down to be able to get things done.
           When I have a song that is rolling over and over in my head, I have a hard time zoning it out. I will hum the tune over and over or out right sing it when I can. This song I have sung it many times over the years of being a Christian both in church and in the community. This day however, the song is speaking to me in a way it never has before.
          I get the feeling that God is preparing me for something He wants to use me in my life. He is preparing me to serve Him in a way I never have this far. He has proven His love for us all though the trials in my life and that of my family. He is preparing me to show that very same love for others going through similar struggles.
          As I have stated in the past, book knowledge can only bring one so far in understanding what others may be going through. Where personal knowledge takes you even further in the understanding. You can really relate to what it is like to struggle with feelings and thoughts that may leave one baffled or unsure of what is really going on. I truly believe God has allowed hard times in my life to come forth so that I can reach out and touch others with His love for them.
          So keep that in mind as you go through something that you otherwise do not understand...........The Lord may be preparing you for something great. Trust in Him and accept what you may not understand as a way for you to be used by Him. To reach out to someone in the future.

Tug Of War

          Lately life has been like a long game of tug of war. A battle of wits, relationships and life in general. When you have a child with MI all relationships get harder and harder to maintain and nearly impossible to start. What friends you may have may be lost by the way side when difficulties seem to flood in day after day, week after week. Well meaning friends just don't see the MI after time but only the behaviors that linger.
          Your torn between the children that you love and the few friends that have stuck by you. Wanting so desperately, the relationships that others have the luxury to enjoy. Sit around and have coffee on a nice sunny summer day. Nice leisurely walk on the beach. Even a passing conversation where you have a smile on your face and honesty on your tongue.
           Listening to their well meaning suggestions that are only spoken out of a well meaning heart that only a friend could say. Even these words become harder and harder to listen to without saying a word. The words cut into your already bruised mind like a finely sharpened blade.
          Too many times, well wishers just make matters worse. The once welcome friends make you cringe and struggle with just being in their presence. Things you once looked forward to become something you deal with. Feeling like an outsider when all you want is to be accepted and understood. The tug of war goes on with yet another thing to battle.
          The tug of war is not only in reference to friendships, it encompasses every aspect of life. As MI takes up more and more time and energy, things like your job can suffer. Being called away during your work day becomes more and more. Your co workers become burdened when you are called away. What do you do? Deal with work or your child? For me, this is a no brainer, children win ever time.
          There are some out there that do not have this choice. There are those out there that can not deal with the loneliness of MI. I consider myself as one who is strong through the tough times. God has blessed me with His grace and peace to carry through yet there are still times I have doubt. Doubt that His love is unfailing or not quite enough. Those times are tests for my endurance and strength. A test of my faith for Him.

Love........

       Love.......what is love? According to Websters Dictionary there are 9 definitions for this word. For the terms of this particular post we will talk about the love involved with two  individuals, a relationship. Love is such a simple word and a somewhat simple meaning. Websters defines love as "an attraction based on sexual desire; affection based on admiration". This is the desire to be with one that you hold highly in your life, someone whom you feel some strong emotions for.

       Too many times people act as though they are in love, say they are in love but yet that love is no where to be found when it is most needed. Some are quick to call something love when it is not really there. Love can be a tricky thing sometimes. Affection is sometimes misread as love. Lust is another one that is commonly mistaken as Love.

       The reason I bring up the topic of love is that most ppl who suffer from MI have issues with Love, both in means of affection and also in true love. Someone, particularly with BP, will have issues with exhibiting love as well as maintaining a loving relationship. Even the most loving individuals and/or couples bend when faced with instability. This not only will effect the couple but those around the couple.

       I personally have given up on finding my true love, heck even a passing love. My life is so absorbed in my DD's lives that my personal life is on hold, indefinitely. Im sure that in time as my DD's grow and hopefully live on their own, I can have a "normal" dating life and even find that one for me, who knows? I also pray that my DD's will be able to find their true loves despite their MI's.

       My prayer for them is to be bale to live life to the fullest and with someone who really truly loves them. The number of divorces are astronomical for ppl with MI. Their only hope is to find that one who can love them even when they do not love themselves. My sister has found just that man in her life, I was not so lucky. So until I can find that one, I wish my children have better luck then I.