Unspeakable Things: pt 2

        In addition to what I talked about in the previous post, "Unspeakable Things: pt 1", I wanted to touch on some thoughts that very rarely get talked about. A one's thoughts that are "taboo" regarding their children/loved one. The reason why they would be classified as "taboo" because they are rarely put to words out of fear. Fear that the loved one might find out and also fear that they would be misinterpreted as something else.
        Things that are spoken can be taken in so many different ways. They can be taken at point value, not taking into consideration the emotions that are experienced in the moment. They can be made out of frustration and duress in a very stressful time. They can also be twisted to seem as the unforgivable or abusive/neglectful when that is furthest from the true.
        As with many parents, regardless of MI or not, all get frustrated with their children at some point. Some may even say things in the heat of the moment that they regret later, I know I have done my share of that over the years. Parenthood does not come with a manual that gives all the little secrets of child rearing nor is there a cheat sheet to follow. The same goes for children who have MI. Yes there are books out there and people who are trained to treat people with MI, but as I have said before, it is a soft science. Not everyone is going to react the same way and what works one time may not work again.
        When you live with this day in and day out, it is very stressful and trying. Sometimes you wish that your loved one wasn't around for a little bit, just to give you a break. I know I have gone through times when I wish they were gone from my life, only to feel like crap that I had even allowed that thought space in my conscience mind even for a few seconds never mind minutes, hours or even days. I have dreamed of what life would have been like if I wasn't always wrapped up in their life and how to make them better. I have even resented the fact that they had MI, that they ruined my life and I can't have a life outside of them.
        Now before you judge me on my thoughts or how could a caring and loving parent say things like that, think about what you would do if you were in my shoes for just one day, one week even one month. Then you take that and multiply that 10 fold and that would only give you about a months worth of what I feel. Try doing that for the typical, 18 years of a child's life at home. Even better yet, multiply the feelings 100 fold and that might just cover the typical 18 years with two children with MI.
        Now also look at this, what I have said in this post, these are just my thoughts. I have never put these thoughts to voice nor will I ever. These are the thoughts of a tired, frustrated parent with no real outlet or sounding board, so to speak. Many people do not truly understand what it is like to have a loved one with MI. I in no uncertain terms would ever give up on my children and I will fight for them even if they do not want it at the time. If I could do anything to allow them happiness and a full life, I would lay down my life for them. If that does not show my love and desire to see them whole and happy, then nothing will.