Gotta Have It

       The "gotta have it" belief can be found in both a MI person as well as a stable person with no disabilities. When a person sees something and they get the feeling of, "I can't live without it" or the "I just gotta have it or I'll die", is a common thing in children. This type of thinking usually decreases as a person grows older and more mature, but not always. The Bible also warns against this type of gluttony in the sixth commandment when speaking about coveting our neighbors possessions.
        Now I am not saying that one can not or should not see something and say "man it would make life so easier if I had...." Or "that is sweet, I wish I had that". These are perfectly normal desires but they do not rule over your life or view of things around you. It becomes an issue when it becomes something that is present in your thinking all the time. I have also found that what ever part of the brain that "switch's things around" as we mature in our thinking is either delayed or missing in individuals that are MI.
        I know that I see my DD's friends go thought this and yet my DD#2 gets "stuck" in this mode very easily. She even becomes obsessed in things to a point where I get fed up and tell her "enough is enough, I don't want to hear another word about it". Now my DD #1 went through the faze and came out the other side just as one without MI. So that leaves me questioning. Why do some have issues with this and some don't?
       Is it genetics? Is it temperament or learned behavior? If it is learned behavior, how can two children who are raised int he same way/family, turn out differently? Is there something we can do as parents to raise children who do not covet others belongings? What should we say when our children get the "I gotta have it" mentality? When is that way of thinking becoming a problem?
        Sooo many questions and no real answers to boot, LOL. Gotta love life sometimes and the joys and struggles of raising some strong healthy children. Prepare them to become some strong healthy adults that can become leaders in their generation if they so choose. Good luck to all the parents out there struggling with this issues regardless if your children have MI or not. We have to band together and be strong for them.

Ugly Things

       There are so many everyday things that are compounded when one has MI. There are many times when you have no idea how to get a point or idea across to a MI person, much less a child with MI. The mind is a very complex organ that rules every part of the body. When the mind can not grasp something, it throws everything else out of whack.
       When a child is having a "temper tantrum", regardless of the age, it can get pretty "messy" depending on how they were handled in the past. When a parent ignores the tantrum, most likely each subsequent tantrum is less and less because they do not get the reaction they were looking for. Thus you would think that if the parent ends up coddling or "feeding" into the tantrum, the child will continue to tantrum, right?
        When you are dealing with a child with MI, these tantrums and/or outcomes of tantrums do not always follow suite no mater what the parent may or may not do. Things can become rather ugly very fast with no sign of ending in sight. With the mind of a MI individual, it does not process information, whether it is visual, verbal or physical, the same way as others.
       My DD #1 has LD's as well as MI so in addition to her slow processing rate, her mind is "wired" differently. What we see as serious, she may see as a joke. When others may look at a situation and they perceive it one way, she would perceive it another way. When you think about this as a persons point of view or a personal opinion and that differs from hers, then you are taking the other persons side. She can not see that everyone has their own opinion on the same situation.
        Things turn very ugly when you are trying to explain this to my DD #1. I think I would have better luck bashing my head in with a wall then to get her to understand this point. It is very hard to get her to see other people's points of view without her getting all worked up and stomping off in either tears or swearing and putting herself down thinking everyone is "out to get her" or "taking everyone else's side but hers". In all honesty, we usually end up yelling at each other trying to get our points across to each other.
        I hate to see her in tears over a misunderstanding like this. I have yet to figure out how to deal with this type of situation. The reason it ends like this 90% of the time is because she ends up verbally attacking a sibling and to end that, I end up yelling to the point she storms off. I feel like I am in a tug of war between my children. Hurting one to save another, a no win situation. Why can't life be easier for MI individuals and their loved ones? Why do siblings that get caught in the crossfire end up with anxiety issues themselves? How can you save all the involved individuals from the pain of having a loved one with MI?
       You can't and that is why we must continue to push forward even when we don't feel we can anymore. Just one more step. One more foot. One more yard. One more mile. Sometimes it does get easier but most of the time newer and harder things develop.

Too Much

       There are many times, like parents of children without disabilities, that we are pushed beyond our own knowledge of how to handle certain situations. Much like that of a first time parent, we do what we can with what we are given. We also learn what works and what doesn't as well as different ways to manage.
       With the added stress of a disabled child, situations can push the parent to the extreme of emotions and leave us dumbfounded. I have times when I feel like I want to pull out my hair and not knowing what to do, compounds those emotions. I have too many days where I sit and scream inside because I have tried everything I can possibly think of to help my DD's but nothing works.
       Individuals with MI are somewhat difficult to deal with on a daily basis, and yes I used the word "deal" for a reason. I love my children and nothing they do can or will change that. Working day to day with issue's due to their MI is so much like a job. You have to try things that normally, as a parent, you may not need to do. I struggle with this so much and it wreaks havoc within my own mind and yes at times I feel like a failure to them.
        I remember one morning being woken up at 4:30 am but my two youngest DD's. I got up to find out what was going on. My DD #2 was wanting "time alone" (something we needed to do when she becomes frustrated in order to calm down). I tried to explain to her that she can not request ( on this morning she demanded it) "time alone" during sleeping hours. Within 30 minutes we went from quiet to yelling and becoming physically violent and waking up our neighbors who we not so understanding. In order to quickly calm her down, I removed the youngest of the two from the room and sent her to my bed to go back to sleep.
        I sat on my bed for the next 30 minutes trying to convince myself that marching in her room yelling at her to "do as I say and go back to bed" would not make the situation any better. I didn't like that fact that I was feeling like I was "giving into" her and allowing her to "rule the house". This went against everything within me to allow her time to cool down so that we could go over what happened and what we could do differently next time, because there will be a next time.
        These are the times that I feel like pulling out my hair and screaming at the top of my lungs because of being so frustrated. The times that I sit and cry because I do not know what to do are just as equally frustrating. The only other thing that is more frustrating is when I feel like I have failed. Failed as a parent and a mother. Failed as someone who my children look up to as a protector and provider. Failed as the parent who is supposed to be there for them emotionally and physically and I can't because I am either too tired or drained emotionally.

Which One?

        In an earlier post, I had touched on the age old "Nature Verses Nurture" scenario. Who is to say which idea is correct? As the saying goes, "opinions are like arm pits, everyone has um and some of them stink". Some say that MI is a genetic thing and runs in families. Others say it is all in how you raise a child.
        I have to say that I agree with both theories. I do believe that some MI does have a genetic link to it, in the instance of "brain disorder". I also believe that nurture can play a big role in MI as well, as in depression, suicide and self-esteem issues. We need to educate ourselves on both types of MI so that we can learn how to #1 properly deal with it and #2 to try and avoid the environmental ones.
        I have been blessed, yes I said blessed, with what I believe is both kinds in my DD's lives. I truly believe that my DD #1 has the "nurture" type of MI. I truly believe that if she had not been exposed to abuse in her earlier years that she would be different today. Almost all of her struggles can be linked back to her abuse. I wish I could have changed what she went through, to make her life easier now. She is a fighter and I have seen her grow by leaps and bounds in the last few years.
        My DD #1 struggles with depression, self esteem issues and some pretty significant anxiety as well as the normal "mood swings" of the typical menstruating female (which believe me will cause my own insanity before it is over). Due to her LD's it makes it more difficult for her to understand and hinders her ability to process the abuse sometimes. It also took her years before she realized that the nightmares she experiences effect her waking hour's mood. If she has a rough night it means a rough next day and if that isn't enough lets add hormonal fluctuations into the fire. Talk about blowing a gasket.
         On the other hand of all this, I do believe that my DD #2 has the biological type of MI. Looking back now, the signs of this were even seen in infancy. As young as 6 months old, she hated facing anything. She would begin to nurse and try to take my breast with her as she would look around. She hated being held facing the body, she was only happy if she was facing away from whom ever was holding her. She also hated being still, even as she fell asleep, she would either move her bottom around or giggle a leg. I used to jokingly call her my perpetual motion baby.
         Now I am not saying that any child who does this has a MI. What I am thinking is that those who have the biological side of MI, there is usually signs of it early in life. Even though I see the differences in my DD's MI's, I do not treat them any different and this is where my thoughts vary from many people. Whether MI is biological or environmental, everyone still has to learn to deal with it in order to succeed in life.
         I have to admit that both of my DD's are on medication to help "control behaviors" but there is a definitive difference between the two. I truly believe that my DD #1 will one day be able to stop taking her medication once she has over come the effects of the abuse in her life. Yes she will always have the memories of it and she will always struggle with her LD's but she can ultimately regain control of her life without the need for medication.
        My DD #2 on the other hand, I truly believe she will always need medication to remain stable and on an even keel. Yes she has a lot of work ahead of her to be able to manage her MI, but she too can live a long and happy life once stability is achieved. Both of my girls have a road they need to go down in order to come out on the other side. Each of their roads are going to have different road blocks, dips and valley's but both will eventually come to the same crossroad. The crossroad called decision. Do we choose the road that leads to happiness or the road that leads to confinement? The decision is up to them, no one else can make the choice for them.

Unspeakable Things: pt 2

        In addition to what I talked about in the previous post, "Unspeakable Things: pt 1", I wanted to touch on some thoughts that very rarely get talked about. A one's thoughts that are "taboo" regarding their children/loved one. The reason why they would be classified as "taboo" because they are rarely put to words out of fear. Fear that the loved one might find out and also fear that they would be misinterpreted as something else.
        Things that are spoken can be taken in so many different ways. They can be taken at point value, not taking into consideration the emotions that are experienced in the moment. They can be made out of frustration and duress in a very stressful time. They can also be twisted to seem as the unforgivable or abusive/neglectful when that is furthest from the true.
        As with many parents, regardless of MI or not, all get frustrated with their children at some point. Some may even say things in the heat of the moment that they regret later, I know I have done my share of that over the years. Parenthood does not come with a manual that gives all the little secrets of child rearing nor is there a cheat sheet to follow. The same goes for children who have MI. Yes there are books out there and people who are trained to treat people with MI, but as I have said before, it is a soft science. Not everyone is going to react the same way and what works one time may not work again.
        When you live with this day in and day out, it is very stressful and trying. Sometimes you wish that your loved one wasn't around for a little bit, just to give you a break. I know I have gone through times when I wish they were gone from my life, only to feel like crap that I had even allowed that thought space in my conscience mind even for a few seconds never mind minutes, hours or even days. I have dreamed of what life would have been like if I wasn't always wrapped up in their life and how to make them better. I have even resented the fact that they had MI, that they ruined my life and I can't have a life outside of them.
        Now before you judge me on my thoughts or how could a caring and loving parent say things like that, think about what you would do if you were in my shoes for just one day, one week even one month. Then you take that and multiply that 10 fold and that would only give you about a months worth of what I feel. Try doing that for the typical, 18 years of a child's life at home. Even better yet, multiply the feelings 100 fold and that might just cover the typical 18 years with two children with MI.
        Now also look at this, what I have said in this post, these are just my thoughts. I have never put these thoughts to voice nor will I ever. These are the thoughts of a tired, frustrated parent with no real outlet or sounding board, so to speak. Many people do not truly understand what it is like to have a loved one with MI. I in no uncertain terms would ever give up on my children and I will fight for them even if they do not want it at the time. If I could do anything to allow them happiness and a full life, I would lay down my life for them. If that does not show my love and desire to see them whole and happy, then nothing will. 

Unspeakable Things: pt 1

       There are certain things that are not openly discussed in many families. These "taboo subjects" can be positive but for the most part they are negative things. Many of these subjects are "given things" like the old saying, treat others as you want to be treated". Another could be saying please and thank you to those around you. Not all "given topics" are taboo but rather things everyone knows is polite to do.
        The more "taboo topics" are areas that tend to hurt those it is meant to protect. This is seen in families that have "skeletons in the close" or issues that they do not want others to know about. Divorce used to be seen as a "no, no subject" back as late as the 1950's and to an extent even now a days in some areas and religious sects.
        There are more taboo subjects that are out there then I care to list here. Over time and education some of these taboo subjects are no longer kept secret. Such as with abuse and addictions. I am not sure if it is more because of education or because of it becoming so prevalent that it is common talk.
        These are all issues that need to be brought into the light so that we as individuals can stop hiding and get the support and encouragement that we need. Breaking the silence is not always the easiest thing to do, it is rather difficult for some people. By breaking the silence we can over come these boundaries that keep taboo subjects going.
         With this being said, we too have subject matter that is rarely discussed in our home, for several reasons. One of the most common reason we have "taboo subjects" is that it involves my DD #2 and her reaction to certain subjects. With my DD #2 MI, many of the conversations I have to have is done in private because I like to have as much positive comments made as possible. When a child's MI encompasses so many areas of their life and it has a negative effect, I would rather have positive re-enforcement when ever possible. This does not mean that it will never be discussed, it just needs to wait for the proper time and with accommodations made for her.
         When one's day if filled with violence and negativity, day after day, week after week, it is easier to redirect a child in a positive way then it is to continue with the negative feelings and emotions. I have to admit that this is a challenge for me more times then not. Granted there are better outcomes doing it this way but I struggle with the idea that I am not "head of the household" and that I am allowing my child to dictate what happens.
         It is so easy to allow your own mind to have a "hay day" with this but if you sit down and think about it, pulling it all apart, this is incorrect. It was pointed out to me that by choosing to allow the situation to de-escalate does not mean the parent is giving up control. It is instead a choice that safety comes first. Once a situation is de-escalated and there is time in between the situation and the "talking it out and pulling it apart" there is a greater chance that it can be avoided in the future.
        As a parent of a child with anger issues, safety always needs to come first, for all my DD's, others around at the time an issue arises as well as myself. For me and I'm sure for others in my position, is hard to handle on many levels. I am working on my own thoughts regarding this way of doing things and I am sure that I will mess up a lot but we as a family work together. One of my favorite sayings is "we may not have it all together but together we have it all". All families need to work together as one unit or it will not have a positive outcome for all.

Faith Like a Mustard Seed

       I know I have touched on how important my faith means to me and I wanted to go more in depth about this. I have been attending church since I was born and the journey through out my life. I have had some very heartfelt and momentous times involving the church family. Yes there were times in my life that I didn't always feel this way and for a period of time even walked away from the church. I had filled my life with drinking parties and other things that got in the way of church activities.
       I didn't see church as something worth attending regularly until my DD #1 was walking and started to "repeat some of our favorate words". By the time she was 2 1/2 yrs old, I had pretty much given up drinking and making some better choices in our lives for her. I began going back to church every week and keeping christian praise and worship playing during the day. I felt like things were on the right path for my family, all I needed to do was get my husband (at the time) to go to church with us.
       When my life came crashing down by divorce, I slid into some difficult times both emotionally and spiritually. It took a while for me to pick myself up long enough to see the good things still in my life, my children. I wanted more for them and knew I needed to get back on the right path. We went back to church as well as praying together. The road wasn't always smooth nor was it easy to go. Things have happened that I am not proud of nor would care to repeat ever again.
        Those struggles have brought my faith even stronger. I, at one point, had to give the Lord all the control in my life. I couldn't go it alone and I needed God to give me the strength to handle what I didn't know at the time, would come in our future. I know now looking back, that without God's help, there was a good chance I would not be where we are now.
        When my DD#2 began to exibiting concerning behaviors and praying things didn't get worse, I had to work on releasing everything to God because there was very little I could do for her. My world came crashing down once again because of her MI, and there is NOTHING I could do to protect her this time. This particular incident cripled my ability to help her, it was out of my hands. I sat by trying to figure things out with no avail. This was the start of the hardest 6 months I would ever have to go through in my life thus far.
       My DD#2 spent several weeks out of my home to regulate her MI and get her stable again. My emotions and thoughts were all over the place, not in the bad way though. With frequent pray, worship and leaning on the church family, we have managed to make it this far. I have a peace in my heart to keep moving forward even when I want to give up. I also have a joy with my heart and the eyes to see good even in this negative and stressful life.  God carries me even when I can't go any further and continues until I can walk again in His light. Constantly keep your eyes and heart on Him and He will always charish and hold you.