Is This Fair?

          We live in the land of the free and the brave yet there are times when this country is not fair. When in this country the union between a man and a women it considered sacred. So sacred that you are legally protected by law, never to have to testify against your spouse. Why then is there no bond like that between a parent and a child?
          How can a union between two individuals be held higher then that of a parent and a child? Children come as a result of that union, from our own flesh. Yet there is no law to protect that union.
          I was sitting here thinking last night about how my life right now can not get any worse then it was. I had been grieving the loss of my child (physical loss, not to death) to the courts mercy. This is a horrible thing for a parent to go through. Feeling like a failure as a parent. This morning though was the turning point for me. The point where I really do not know what choice's I have left as a parent.
          It has seemed like an eternity since my DD#2 was arrested three days ago for threatening me. I had no say about the arrest nor did I have any say in her being charged for 2 counts of domestic assault. This morning I found out that I also have no say in testifying against my DD#2 either. If I decide not to go to court on the date on the summons, then I will be arrested!
          How can a mother protect her child when the laws don't allow us too? How can those laws we live by force and fight for, turn around and make us betray our own flesh and blood? This is not fair to us as parents.

Serenity?

          I know it has been a while since my last post but life goes on whether we want it to or not. Life has given me more then I can handle alone, lately. I am quickly becoming over run with emotions and situations that I have no answers for. Even with my education in the mental health field didn't even prepare me for these past few days. I can't sleep very well. I can't eat more then a few bites without feeling like I am going to be sick. I can't even let the tears flow because I'm afraid they will never stop flowing. I know it will get better, easier, for me to come to terms with everything, in time.

          Loosing a child to MI is not easy whether you are talking literally (death), figuratively (alive but emotionally lost) or legally (courts). I think in some ways each of these situations can become crippling. When you loose a child to death, you no longer have them to physically hold onto but you can at some point move past that through the grief process. When you loose a child emotionally, because of what the MI does to the brain and daily functioning, you still have your child to hold onto. To hold and cuddle even when they do not want it. To see every morning and to deal with all that comes along with MI.

          The latter is the one I want to address here. I am loosing my DD#2 to other people that are better equipped to dealing with her. I can no longer see her sleeping peacefully at night. I will no longer be able to hold her while she is ragging and try to calm her down. I wont be able to just go for a walk with her or take a photography trip. I wont be able to "snuggle", one of her favorite things to do when she is anxious.

          Granted I will still be able to deal with the doctors caring for her. I'll still be dealing with the lawyer that is handling her legal matters. I will still be on an emotional rollercoaster called life with MI. I will still get those glares from people who just do not understand why she is the way she is. I will still see the ones who judge me and criticize what I have done and I am doing now.

          I was granted these girls to be the best mother I can be with God's help. God didn't give me these kids to be a part time mother. I am NOT giving up on my DD just because other people say she needs more then I can give. I will continue to fight this battle with all that is in my heart. I can't give up until I have some peace and serenity within my soul.

Changes

          The first few years of life is a total learning experience that will follow you the rest of your life. You learn to walk and talk, you learn to play and communicate. You learn to deal with other people and to make lasting friendships. A treasure trove of learning is done during the first years that give you the tools to become who you want to be.
          The second part of your life, you learn more about who you are and who you want to be. You learn what honor, trust and love are and what you can do with them. You can build others up and you can tear them down, which ever you are looking for. During these years you also struggle with inner battles, battles that can only be fought by you. Who you rely on and believe in will determine the outcome.
          Even before you are ready to graduate into the world we call adulthood, you begin the never ending battle within that can take its toll. You think you have it all figured out until the rug gets pulled out from under your feet. Time and time again just when you think you'll do fine. You begin to wonder when things would go "your way", but it never seems to come.
          All of these things everyone has to go through at some point in their lives. Even the healthiest minds have trouble with it sometimes. Add MI into this equation and it is even harder, if not seem impossible to the individual. As an adult you do not have someone there to remind you to take your meds. You do not have one to tell you that you need to get some more sleep or your emotions will become harder to deal with. No one to remind you to eat healthy or to eat at all.
          I dread this time for my child. I do not want to see her hurt. I do not want to see her struggle. I do not want to see her in pain. No parent does. This unfortunatly is something that we have to sit back and pray that they remember just how much we love them and come for help when they are ready. I am not ready for this time in my life, it has only just begun and I am scared for my child. Scared that she will go so far down the road before realizing I am here for her. All I can do is pray and pray I will do.


Walled In? Walled Out?

          Sometimes I wonder about the walls that we all build around ourselves. Are they to keep others out? Are they to protect? Or are they to hide behind? Yet others still are there just ram our heads against in times of insanity!
          I feel like I stand before my wall, beating my head against it time and time again. Wondering why I keep doing so when it gets me nothing but a huge headache. Why do we as parents continue to beat our heads, trying to find solutions to problems that never seem to go away.
           Why do we continue to help those who do not want it? Do things for ppl who don't care if they ever change but demand that those around them change? How do we get it through their heads that what they are doing is hurting more then just them? How do we get them to let go of things and quit throwing it back in our faces every chance they get?
          It is so hard dealing with someone with MI to the point where you literally feel like we would have better luck beating our heads against a brick wall. I sit here trying desperately to think of a way to repair my family once again ripped by the tongue of another. How can I continue to do this and reassure all that they matter to me or that I am not taking sides?
          There is no real way to do just this and I know that one will be hurt by this. I know which one it will be also but it can not be avoided. The "kid gloves" will not continue to work in this matter because they are getting older and will see through it. Why are we as parents put in this position to have to choose between our children?
           I love them all and can not choose, will not choose. I wish, oh do I wish that there was an easy solution to such a difficult matter. I wish MI had an on/off switch so that we could turn it off just for a few minutes and have a conversation with common sense. To allow your loved one to just see what their actions are doing to others and how much easier it would be to let go and move on with their lives.
            But as we know, there is no on/off switch to MI. There is no magic cure, nor is there an easy button. Life goes on though good and bad. We just have to keep picking ourselves up by our bootstraps and get on with our lives.

Love The Sinner

                    As I sit here thinking over a conversation I had earlier this evening, I sit and wonder what is the best way to handle this situation. Due to the fact that there are LD's as well as MI, how much did those issues have a play in what was shared? Does the person actually know what they are saying and how much of it was learned by society itself? Does this person believe what they are saying or are they sharing this information because they want to be apart of a group and feel accepted?
          The tears and the heartache in this persons voice was evident as they shared what they had written, as if these were true feelings. Yet these feelings and thoughts could not be explained or backed up with the all time question of why they feel the way they do. All that could be shared beyond the "facts" is that if I would just go to a group and learn more about this subject, so I could accept them and their choice. Is it possible for one to feel this strongly about something without a reason to have this passion?
          I ended our talk with the fact that I love the person and nothing could change that fact. Similar to the story in the bible about loving the sinner but not the sin. Regardless of what they thought was truth or not I would always love them, no more and no less. I am not sure if this has sunk into their head or if all they heard was I don't agree or support their choice. It is so hard to know how much of what someone says sticks in the head of the other.
          This matter is even more hindered when you add in the LD's and MI issues. Do they really understand what is said during a high emotional time? Can they comprehend the difference between love and support? I cant really answer these questions but I can say that we need to love those around us regardless of what they are doing. To love the person and not what they do or say.


note: I have purposely made this post vague because of the topic and the person involved.

Brave Little Voice

          I was sitting here this evening watching a movie that I have seen already several times yet new things pop into my mind every time I see it, that's the benefit of watching things more then once. This particular evening something about this movie hit me hard. I was watching the movie, Soul Surfer, and it had come to the part when Bethany was taking to her Christian friend after her accident and her friend had asked her how she was doing. Bethany replied in her "brave little voice" that she was doing ok. The next statement from her friend is what brought back a flood of memories from the past 15 months. Bethany's friend said, "don't be like that" and then Bethany replied with how she was really doing and feeling.
          So many times we go through life and hardships using our brave little voice and glossing over how we are really doing. When someone asks how we are doing or if we need anything, we smile and say that we are doing fine and not in need for anything. In reality you need a shoulder to cry on, someone who understands and does not condemn, you just need someone to hold your hand. I am famous for doing that...........using my brave little voice and trudging along as best I can.
          The past 15 months have been more then a faith and teaching time for me. My faith in God has carried me through more then I thought I could ever go through. In addition to straightening my faith it has showed me that I am not the strong, nothing can hurt me, type I thought I was. I recall talking to our Youth Pastor and when he asked how I was doing, my little brave voice ran away and I sobbed and was real with myself for the first time in my life. I couldn't go through this life anymore on my own. I needed help and I was finally so far down that I had to look up to see the bottom.
          Even though I hated to cry, specially in front of anyone, never mind on the phone, I was me. Not my brave little me but the hurting, broken me. The me that needed help.  This was a turning point in my life. This was the time, as a good friend once said to me, to shut up and take their help. I used to have such a difficult time allowing others to help me and I still do from time to time, but I am getting better with it. That once strong brave little voice has now become the little engine that could.............with help that is.

Me Or Them?

          Sometimes I sit here thinking to myself, wondering why two of my children have MI? Why did my children have to be subjected to the hard times we had? Why they turned out that way that they did? Was it me? Was it something I did wrong? Some times I even think that it was something I did or something I could have prevented? I know I have not always made the right choices in life nor am I the perfect mother, far from it at times.
          I made the choice to change some things in my life that I would be able to make it easier for my children. I made several wrong choices in the men I have married and had relationships with. This in itself was a huge change for my children and I. For a season in my life that lasted several years, I was not going to date because I didn't want to make yet another huge mistake.
          I met a man once that was so head over heals with me, we were young and went too fast. I chose to over look all the things in him my parents warned me about. I knew he was a good man and I didn't care who knew it until it was too late. After 6 years of seeing him for who he was and not through the rose colored glasses, I let the marriage. I could not put my children through this pain anymore. The relationship had all but come to an end by then and the children were suffering because of it.
          It was two years before I met my next boyfriend. This one was no better then the first one except for the fact that he seemed more genuine in wanting to be involved in my life and that of my children's. He spent time with my children teaching them things their own father never did. I thought I had found the man of my dreams until the nightmare began. A four year relationship came to a sudden stop when I found out he had been abusing one of my children.
          I know that these two relationships have nothing to do with each other and could have happened to anyone, MI or not. I also know that these two men had an impact on my children's lives both good and bad. I have sat here wondering how much of an impact these have made on their lives. I know it has made a huge impact on my ability to trust and enter into another relationship. I had one relationship that went no where because of my own fear that I would repeat another mistake. I pray that my DD#1 can get over the abuse she ensued before it makes a lasting impact on her life, it may be too late already.
           You see here that MI can be as a result of abuse and/or genetics. It can rear up its ugly head at anytime and any place. Yes I probably could have prevented the MI in my DD#1 by making different choices then I did, but I also know that in that of my DD#2, it is genetics and nothing could have prevented this. So here I sit with all my guilt of yesteryear's and all the hopes of tomorrows for better days. I can't change what has already happened but I can still change what tomorrow holds for my children. A brighter day is coming.