Can You Stop A Sneeze?

       Everyone knows what it feels like when you have to sneeze, right? You can feel it coming before you actually sneeze. You feel the proverbial tickle in the back of your nose. You sometimes get that "I'm gonna sneeze" look like in the picture above. I have even felt and looked this way for up to a minute before the sneeze actually builds up enough to be a successful sneeze.
       Does a sneeze actually have a purpose? Yes, it most certainly does. It is your body's way of reacting to a foreign object in your system. When it senses that there is something in your airways that doesn't belong there, like pollen, a common reason for sneezing. Your body needs to expel that" invader" in a quick manner. Sneezing is your bodies way to do just this.
       You may have a second or two before you sneeze that you feel "it coming on" and sometimes you have a minute or two. Regardless of the amount of time you have, you don't try to stop it because you know it is going to come eventually, right? I mean we all know what purpose a sneeze is doing so why stop a good thing.
        Like a sneeze, where there is a "force" that is built up and then escapes the body with such force, your whole body usually reacts to it happening, that same thing can be said about bp rages. The individual with bp can "feel" things being built up inside prior to a "rage", yet they have no means to prevent it from coming to pass. There were years I believed I could change their behavior by positive reinforcement with no luck. I didn't understand how they could not control their actions, I mean even when I was mad as all heck, I still have a choice to act or not act.
       That mechanism is not as easy to activate when you have MI as it is when you have no MI. I have stated before how we all have a build it gauge that tells you to run and to stand your ground in certain situations. When you have MI, you can see the signs that things are getting hot. The steam flows from your mouth usually in forms of vulgarity and threats. You can see the "water almost at a boil" by the hands clenching or someone hitting a wall or throwing things.
       When the gauge is broken, there is no "off button" or "easy button", no way to "turn it off" even though you can see it coming to a head. This is one of the many reasons why people with MI have such a hard time with it. They can see it coming but there is nothing they can do to stop it. This however does not mean it has to continue. There are ways to "control" it to a point. Medication slows down the thought process of that is needed to make the upward climb to rage.
      If you can slow down that process so it takes an hour to reach the "melting point" rather then seconds, there is time in which those around them can see the signs and change the outcome. It gives you the ability to get PRN meds into the individual to prevent rages or you can utilize coping mechanisms to lessen the chance of a blow up. We may not be able to totally stop it but we can lessen the blow and effect of it.

The Cross

       When you look at a cross on top of a church, it usually means something different for everyone. To some it may symbolize things, or burdens, that we may feel we need to carry around with us, like when Jesus carried his cross through the town on His way to Golgotha. Some may look at the cross and remember that Jesus died for all of our sins. Others may even see absolutely nothing in a cross except that it is a religious symbol.
        For me the cross means soo many things I can not even begin to express them all so that others can understand it, but I will share a few of them. When I look at a cross like in the picture above that a photographed in my hometown, you can see some tree blossoms in the frame. That in itself is showing the beauty that the Lord has placed on this earth to give us pleasure to look at and smell.
        At times when I am under a lot of stress and it is effecting my mood, then the cross reminds me of God's saving grace and mercy for us. I am comforted by the realization that He is always there for us regardless of the issue we are in. He will not leave you nor forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6). He will always be there for me even in death.
       The last example I am going to share with you is the knowledge that I can bring anything before God and leave it at the cross. That means anything regardless of whether it was my sinful ways or if it was a burden in my life, I could just give it all to Him. This meant a relief from something that no one else could ever be able to do here on this earth.
        No matter what I have gone through or that my children have gone through, God has been there right beside me, waiting. Waiting for me to just say the words. He is a gentleman and will not go where He is not wanted, yet He will patiently wait for us to cry out to Him. Ready in a minute to take our burdens and carry them as they were His own.
       This is what takes me day to day, week to week, month by month. This is also the reason why my key verse in my life if Phillipians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." With Him beside me and even carrying me at times, is the only reason why I am still sane today. Even with the difficult news I got today, I can face it only with His Mercy, Grace, Peace and Love.

Wall Flowers

       Do you remember those kids back in High School that always sat next to the wall, out of peoples way? Sitting there praying to God that no one talks to them or points them out. The ones who just want to blend into the wall and become a wall flower. Watching, waiting and looking out for the next thing to happen. Have you ever wondered what was going through their head, what they were thinking? Or were you one of the many who ignored them or didn't even see them sitting there?
       Some of them are quiet because they do not think they have anything to offer, that their opinion doesn't matter. Some may even think that because they do not know anyone else in the room, fear stops them for joining in the conversation or activity. Maybe it is because they have been hurt before in a similar atmosphere and do not want to be hurt again? It could even be just because they are shy, plain and simple.
       Regardless of the reason behind the "why" people do what they do, there is one common thing in all of these reasons. That common denominator is fear. Fear of speaking up or voicing what is inside. Fear that they are not as good as other people even when others see clear as day that they are. Fear that what they say actually matters and can make a difference.
       Like the tulip above, we are all fragile and delicate. Yes even you men are whether you want to admit it or not. There is a soft spot in everyone and when that is hit upon, we see the outward expression of it. Many times with the male gender, it is seen as anger or physical reaction. With the female gender, it is often expressed though tears.
       Regardless of who it is or why 'seclusion" is utilized, it is all the same. Acceptance of who the person is regardless of outward appearance or gender. We need to make a point to try and help those individuals, help them feel more comfortable. Include them in conversation and show them that they are worth listening to. That their opinion matters, that they themselves matter. So wipe away the fear and step out, reach out to the wall flowers in your life. Who knows what a difference you can make in someone else's life.
      

Nature vs. Nurture

       Sitting on a park bench watching the children run and play, squealing with laughter and not having a care in the world. Swinging on swings, sliding down the curly slides with hair out straight because of static cling. Yelling for friends to come and join you and running from structure to structure. Seeing even the youngest ones sitting in the "baby swings" with a smile on their face and their legs kicking back and forth.
       When you are sitting and watching them play, your not sitting there wondering about where they will be in 20 years. Your not worried about their future or even if they will graduate from High School. These things never come to mind of a parent with young healthy kids. Times are easy and you just want to enjoy the moment you are in watching your child being a kid.
       When my DD #2 was about 7 years old, I started seeing that she was a dare devil, she liked doing high adrenalin things. She was a handful from time to time but I always felt it was just a little bit of ADHD but it was manageable, for the time being. She had always been a very active child, right from birth and it just became more prevalent as time went on. It wasn't until my children hit puberty did the issues really show their ugly faces.
       Once my DD #1 and #2 hit puberty, it was as if I walked though a doorway that closed and locked upon entry. Why did they change so much? Was it nature or nurture? Can I do anything to stop this from occurring again? Could have I prevented MI from touching our family? Will they ever be able to have a "normal life"? These questions plague my mind and yet they have no real, tride and true answers.
       We can never revisit the pre-pubescent days before MI no matter how much I yearn for it. I can sit here looking at the pictures from happier days or I can try to make some new memories during the times of stability.  Cherish the times when their faces are smiling and laughter fills the air. Until the day when God heals my DD's from their MI, I will hold onto His promises of better days.

Innocence Lost

       Think back to when you were a young teenager and the friendships you had developed. Who you spent most of your free time together. What you did with each other and what you can still remember years later that still makes you smile. Those are usually the years you wish you could revisit, to feel that way again.
       Riding on a roller coaster and screaming your fool head off? How about the lazy days at the beach looking at cute guys/girls you can only dream about? How about "TP"ing a friends house and getting caught because they were tipped off you were coming and got you with a lawn hose? Or those crazy scavenger hunts you go on to pass some time?
       I remember around the age of 14 finally being able to bike ride to my friends house from church who lived two towns away. It would take me almost an hour to bike to her house and I did it all the time, without even batting an eye (to do that today would prob give me a coronary). Everyday we did have school we would get together it didn't matter if it was raining or sunny, we did it. People at our church used to call us twins connected at the hip, because when you saw one the other wasn't far behind.
       In addition to being together as much as we could living in separate towns, we experienced a lot of "firsts" together. Not all of those were good ones but still we shared these things together. Think about a few of your childhood friends and what you did with them. You shared joys and dreams, fears and worries, Some may have even continued into your adult life. I know my best friend and I got married the same year. We were pregnant three times together (and no these things were not planned, they just happened).
       Now if you take those memories and choose just one of your friends and erase all the memories associated with that friend. Doing so may sadden you but that is ok because everyone has had more then one friend and other memories to think on, right? What if you took another friend off your list and your memories? How many more memories does that take away? How many more friends did you have? 2, 4, 6 more that you can think about to fill your memories?
       What if you erased all of your childhood friends and the memories that go with them? What would you have left then? Your school days with no one to talk to or maybe that are filled with people giving you strange looks? Maybe it leaves the hard days trying to figure out why no one will hang with you anymore?
It leaves days filled with playing things over and over in your head because you have no one to unload the horrible day you had.
       What do you think this would do to a person? What would it do to a teenager? How about a teen transitioning into High School? Lets add a MI teen entering High School? Now lets add one more tidbit of info here............try a teen in their last weeks of Middle School who has just been told by her best friends that they can't be her friends because she is having problems with her MI?
        Life is not always fair for many teens, it is a tough time with hormones and emotions. Life for a MI teen is even harder. It is no wonder to me why so many MI people commit suicide when these things happen. I have a hard time dealing with my own emotions when things like this happen. I understand and do not blame those who react like this because I know the reason people act this way is because of ignorance toward MI.
        In the same sense it breaks my heart to see a child hurt like this. The fake smile they put on their faces while they say "Its ok, I don't need them anyway." or "well that is a load off my back". The mask that hides the deep down hurt inside them to those around but that can not truly hide from a parent. The pain that shows on their face when they think no one is looking.

Decisions, decisions, decisions

       As a parent I seek out things that I see are the best for my children. The best cloths I can afford, the best schools to attend, the best programs to be apart of. We all want the best for our children, right? Why would we wish and strive for all the best things yet be expected to be exempt from a decisions that could potentially be life changing for your child?
       Many agency's and organizations that are out there for the MI population, do just that. The "you do it our way" type of cookie cutter help is not always in the best interest of our MI, specially with our children. When it comes to the issue's that MI individuals deal with, like I have stated before, is not a hard science. Everyone is different thus every treatment plan is different. Also what treatment plan works today may not work in a month or two or a year from now. Our bodies are constantly changes thus the treatment plan must change as well.
       The typical cookie cutter type treatment is "the old school method" of treatment and we have found that this does not work for most people. Just because a method does not always work it is hard to get a system to change its way of how they provide services after years of working this way. In order to change how things work, we need to fight for change.
       We need to educate professionals, employee's that deal with MI individuals and others who have an impact on what goes on within companies. We need to get the word out about MI and the importance behind family being involved in the decision making and treatment. Who knows the person with MI the best, but the family. We spend the most time with them and know all the little do's and dont's of the person. Don't take away our voice and choice, it is important to us and our loved ones.

Verbal Vomit

       I was going to originally going to write about different fears people have but I changed my mind. I am going to instead write about a strong emotional response that controls many of us more then we want to admit. I personally hate this particular response so much that I will go out of my way to avoid it. The thing I hate with such passion is tears.
       Due to different reasons I hate to cry. I hate why I cry at times and I hate the tears themselves (as if they have any say it coming or not). Some feel that tears are a way for the body to release pent up emotions or stress. Some say tears are good for you and are in a way healing. Some feel that tears are a sign of weakness and yet others see it as a sign of strengh. Yet others see them as being humble or of vulnerability.
      I believe that many of these are true when it involves or happens to others but not me. I know this is a really messed up way of seeing things but who ever said I was "normal" (LOLOL not me that's for sure). The way I was raised and my family life growing up, plays a role in why I think the way I do. Since becoming an adult and taking the classes I have taken for my degree is why there is the conflict in my thought process regarding crying.
       As a child, if you showed emotions or tears, your "spanking" always resulted in more hits when you cried out or showed tears. It was not a spoken thing, just something you learned real quick in a hurry. If you did not cry or cry out loud, it was over faster. I learned that no matter how bad it was, you held it in check. This meant physical pain as well as emotional, it didn't matter. Tears were tears.
       As an adult I understood why tears were both good and productive but I just couldn't bring myself to accept them as ok within myself. As I sit here almost 27 years since the last "spanking" I had to endure I still continue to struggle with the tears. Totally stressed out beyond anything I have had to deal with so far, I sit here fighting the tears that are building up. Fighting such strong emotions to sink back into SI (self-injurious) behaviors I try to hold onto the training I have had. Reaching out instead to put my feelings to print in hopes that reading it myself can put it all into perspective.
       Don't worry about me sinking back into those days because my children mean too much to me for this to happen. They are my world and I would never do anything that may hurt them in anyway and that includes my behaviors as well. I need to seek out and figure a way for my feelings to get out there so they stop eating me up inside. So here is what I like to call my verbal vomit. Dumping out everything in hopes to feel better, LOL. Sorry, did I get some on your shoes???

Discharge Emotions

       Do you remember those days when you just want to pull out your hair? How about when you want to scream at the top of your lungs? Have you ever been in "the energizer bunny" mode and can't seem to slow down? Or the direct opposite and you can't even get out of your own way much less anyone else's way? When you want to pull the covers over your head so you don't have to face the day ahead of you?
       Lately I have been all over the range's stated above and to a bp individual, the switching back and forth among these states can wreak havoc with your mind. You are never quite sure how you are going to react to things, a it can be down right scary not knowing. Everyone goes through times like this, specially if you have children, bp or not. When you add a MI into the mix of things, it is that much harder to deal with because there is no rationality with it.
       We are looking at my DD #2's third discharge for the phosp this year alone and this should be a happy, joyous time, right? Your child is coming home after being away between 10 to 29 days. They were missed by everyone in the family, moods and all. Why would this NOT be a joyous time? This day marks the end of the days without the "highs and lows" of the bp.
        We, as a family, deal with what we have to in order to make it through a day without too much disruption, as I'm sure all families do. When a day comes that we have only a few minor arguments and maybe a tear or two, as a successful day. A difficult day involves one of the kids having to always be in my presence so that I can intervene quicker in disagreements. Then there are the days when restraint and/or intervention is required by outside individuals and this usually ends with an inpatient stay.
       Out of those three days, I would much rather deal with the first two then the last scenario. After a discharge we have what you call the "honeymoon stage". Getting the children adjusted to all being home is somewhat of a rocky thing to do at times. Usually medications have been changed or "tweeked" during an inpatient stay, so the moods and sleep patterns may be a little irregular but usually get better as time goes on. Adjusting back into the usual swing of things at home, can be tricky after being in a hospital setting for a period of time.
       We all try to take it one step at a time and try to make the best of it. This in itself can be and usually is taxing on the emotions. I really have to fight the depression aspect of a discharge and I keep pushing though by telling myself that this will get better. After years of dealing with this "in again, out again" roller coaster ride, you begin to wonder will this truly get better? Yes, it will, with time and the right medications, it will get better.

Easier Times?

       When I look back on the first time I had to place a child into a phosp and what that women had said to me about it gets easier each time, I was horrified at the time. I felt I would never get used to doing this, it would never be easy to place a child inpatient. I know looking back on it, that it was a well meaning woman trying to offer a mother new to the psych world, a few well wishes. In a way that woman was right about it getting easier to place your child inpatient as time goes on but not in the way I was thinking at the time.
       I am finding now that we are in the fifth round of inpatient with DD #2 alone, it does get easier to sign those papers in the wee hours of the morning and walking out without your child. Doing so does not mean that your heart grows colder or that your love for that child has dwindled. For me it is easier for me to do it for two main reasons. #1: I know that the doctors can get her stabilized better then I can and #2: by the time instability is to that level of needing to be inpatient, I am exhausted both physically and mentally and in a way, ready for some quiet calm time.
        This does not mean that my love for my DD #2 is any less or more but as with anyone who cares for a medically ill individual, taking care of yourself is a necessity. It is well known that when a caretaker is not taking care of themselves then it will not be long till they can no longer take care of someone else. I have to admit that with this last inpatient stay, I went into it with a very heavy heart. I am more then just physically tired and is wearing on me mentally as well.
        I am not saying that I am giving up on my DD nor am I in any way, shape or form throwing in the towel. I am still here fighting for her and believing that she will reach this stability for a good stretch of time. Almost two years ago my DD #2 reached and maintained a 14 month period of stability and I believe with all my heart that she can reach that again.
        I think the only thing that doesn't get easier is the longing to have your baby back the way they were before the MI touched your lives. I know that as my DD# 2 reaches stability, I get a little bit of that little girl back. Seeing those glimmers of hope, keeps me going beyond what I thought I could handle. Seeing those glimmers also make it hard to leave her there. The times when she holds onto your hand and arm, not wanting to let go of you, those are the times that still bother me. When the right combination is figured out, I will be able to have that girl back home with us where she belongs.

Self Injury pt 2

       In the last post I covered just a few of the forms of SI. I had stated that some of the people who do SI are not doing it for attention seeking or to even be "found out". Some do it as a way to prove something to themselves and even just the thought of others knowing about it sends fear right to the bone within them. Now there are others who do it for attention seeking or to get their needs met without having to say it out loud.
       Those who do this and actually want people to find out about their SI want help with what is going on inside them and they do not know how to get that help any other way. Too many times these none lethal SI is ignored or brushed off as attention getting. Well meaning individuals may see this and feel that ignoring this type of behavior is the best way to handle it. Some may think that if the person is not getting the attention they are seeking then they will stop doing it. May be true but I would not want take that chance.
       When behaviors are ignored or not seen by those around the individual, the MI individual may "up the antie" the next time. This could potentially cause an individual to seek out more risky SI methods just to make a point when their original intent was not necessarily to seriously hurt themselves. As I have said before, MI is a "soft science" and there is not right or wrong answer nor is there a "tried and true" solution. What works for one may not work for another.
        I know a young lady who used to dabble in the "attention seeking" type of SI. In her mind, she felt her father did not love her or care about her. She would tape her feet or hands so tightly that her fingers and toes would turn blue. One time it was hours before I figured out what she had done, and "light didn't dawn on bedrock" until she was limping because she could not feel her toes. Granted this would not have killed her nor would it seriously impact her life (unless she did it long enough to injure her tissue or limb) but it speaks volumes.
        When she was placed into a phosp for help, to her this stay proved to her that her father did not care. He came to visit her once during her inpatient stay that lasted was 4 weeks long. He did not attend the family meetings with the doctor nor did he call to see how she was doing. This young lady still to this day struggles with the thoughts that her father still does not love her but I am praying that there can at some point be a breakthrough for her and she can move on. 
         Yes SI is a serious thing to deal with whether the SI act is a lethal one or not. All SI is done for a reason and that reason needs to be dealt with for the individual to become mentally healthy. No matter who it is or what they do, it needs to be looked at and not ignored.

Self Injury: Pt 1

      Not too long ago, some forms of self injury (SI) were seen as a suicidal attempt, when it wasn't meant to be. The reasons for people resorting to SI are as different and plentiful as the reasons people like or dislike certain foods. To the bystander, SI is not seen as a coping skill or a way of dealing with inner issues but seen sometimes as an attention getter.  SI can also be seen as a suicide attempt or a non verbal way for crying out for help.
      If we go into the head of a person who regularly uses SI as a coping skill, there are many things going on inside. What may be seen as a ridiculous or "crazy" act is quiet sane to the person partaking in the SI act. There are numerous reasons why someone would resort to this type of coping mechanism but we will be looking at three reasons in particular. By looking into these reasons, we can get a glimpse into the mind of a MI individual and how their thought process works.
      When stress mounts up in a MI person, they can not deal with that stress in a positive healthy way. Instead many try to suppress the emotions that come along with any stressor. By suppressing these emotions, ones ability to overcome them or move past the stressors are impeded and begin to build up. If you look at all of this as is it was a pressure cooker. The more you place in the pot the more and more it is compressed until ultimately it explodes. This too happens to a person who has MI, they "blow" at the smallest thing that normally would not happen. When an "explosion" happens, a MI individual that practices SI may act on that as a way to deal with the sudden emotions. This may or may not mean they want to die but it is a way that they can deal with it.
      Punching walls or other hard surfaces is a typical "explosive" form of SI. The person is so mad or upset that the fear of hurting someone is exacerbated but the need to hit something/someone is over whelming. To rationalize this desire some actually will defend their actions as "well at least I didn't punch someone out". To the MI person, acting on the immense desire to elevate the "pressure cooker feeling", hitting something is the only way without hurting others.
       Another common form of SI is typically called "cutting" and one who partakes in this is typically called "a cutter". Many who use cutting as a way to relieve the built up "junk" inside them, do not typically want to die. there are many who also do not use this as a way to get attention. There are some that even go to the extent to hide their addiction to cutting. Yes a coping skill can become an addition, both good and bad ones if it is not kept in check.
       It was once explained to me two reasons why this cutter cut on a regular basis. One reason was that they had suppressed every possible emotion for so long that they no longer felt alive. They would cut themselves to make sure they would still bleed which meant they were truly still alive. Granted this may seem rather crazy to a "normal" person, to the MI individual, it seemed all too real and the only way to insure life. No amount of talking to this person would prove to them that they were alive as the simple sight of the blood.
      Along the same lines as proving that fact of one being alive, one may cut to be able to prove the pain they are feeling inside. When someone suppresses their emotions and things that may be a stressor, you loose the ability to "put your finger on the pain". When you are injured, you can put your finger on a joint or over an organ and say "oh I am having issues with my bowels" or something along those lines. Then you can go to the doctor and get the issues fixed and thus the pain goes away.
      With a MI person, you can not always put a finger on what hurts, you just know that it hurts somewhere inside you. When using cutting as a way to "put a finger on the pain", one can see the blood and say, "that's where it hurts." Many people who cut in order to "put a finger on it", don't want to die as well as don't want others to know about it, so they hide the cut's. They make sure that the injuries are well taken care of and usually go undetected for a period of time before it is discovered or they cut too deep and seek medical help.
      This action in itself tells mountains about SI not being as a suicidal act. Yes SI can lead to suicide either by a misplaced cut or cutting too deep, which has a tragic end. Also if SI goes too long without intervention it can lead to a purposeful suicidal act because the MI individual is so over burdened with their own thoughts and feelings. Due to this, SI should be taken seriously and not just brushed off as attention seeking act. Whether the individual is hiding the act or blatantly doing it out in the open, the person needs help in some way, shape or fashion.

Past 'n' Present

      Back in the 80's, we were in the age that MI was starting to make its presence known without the negative stigma attached to it. People began talking about it a little more, it wasn't so much of a hush hush topic. The treatment of the MI was beginning to really come to light and changes were slowly being made for the good. MI people were not just hospitalized and drugged, treatment modalities were being developed and making some positive headway.
     In the late 80's, state phosp were not really the place to be. Many of the patients were abused and/or neglected in one form or another either by other patients or by staff. Being forced to see as those in charge said you needed to see things. You couldn't have your own opinion regarding what you observed. If you did voice your own opinion then you were placed in a room until you agreed with the staff/doctor. You were basically forced to conform by negative reinforcement.
     Another difference with phosp back in the the 80's is that your MI was not seen as something that could be changed. The MI was accepted as it was and meds were administered to subdue the behaviors and no "work" was done on modifing the behaviors. If an abusive act was experienced in the phosp by another patient, it was brushed off as "well that's their illness and there is nothing we can do about that." At most the staff may separate the offending patient from the general population for a short lenght of time, when it could be done.
       Today's phosp have changed so much from how it was 20 yrs ago. The phosp now treat the MI as well as working with the patient on positive coping skills for stress triggers. The phosp also works with the family in getting the patient back into the existing home with as little a ripple as possible. Another difference is the supports that are set up for the patient and the family outside the phosp.
      The changes that are happening in regards to MI and it's treatment has come a long way. I believe that because of these positive strides, MI is slowly being understood more and more. People are no longer afraid to be "labeled" and are more likely to seek treatment for their MI. It has been seen time and time again that someone with MI can live a long productive life with the proper treatment. MI individuals are no longer confined to a phosp and being so drugged they can't get out of their own way.

Heartstrings

      One of the biggest challenges we as parents face, is having to wait. As a mother I have spent years kissing away boo boo's and hugging away the boogie man. We spend a great deal of time teaching our kids that you can do anything you put your mind too. That nothing can stop you if you are determined to achieve the goal. Yet life can throw you curve balls all over the place and hinder your ability to do things no matter how hard you work.
      There are times in life that we as parents can not just kiss it and make it all better. Sometimes our children have to go through that pain of rejection in order to "learn a lesson". It is also healthy in a way for a person to go the hard road "it will make um stronger". Then there are the times that you know that the defeat will really scare them but there is nothing you can do to stop or protect them. Those are the truly tough times for a parent to watch.
      When you are dealing with a child that has MI, those times become all too familiar. Those late night calls from the phosp that your child has had to be placed in a hold. The nights where they are so out of control that they get chemically restrained. The times that you know if you were there you would want to melt into the wall and cover your ears because hearing them scream and cry is too much for you to bare.
      These are the times when you want so much to bring them home and hold them until "it" passes. Telling them "I love you baby" just doesn't seem to help them anymore. You can see the pain in their eyes that no one else can truly see. Then the calls come with them sounding so sad and hopeful that you will come and visit them. Or when you plan to go but something stops the visit from happening.
       The pain is no longer just theirs, you too have it building up inside you. The same pain in your eyes and the tears that come in a heartbeat when you talk about them. Always trying to keep a positive attitude because you don't want them to know it too hurts you to be away from each other. With every passing day that you are apart, it gets hard and hard to maintain your composure, but you put on the smiling face and go on with your day.
       So many can not see how bad it hurts you. So many can not even understand why you get so upset. They don't understand that a mother's heart breaks even when it is hurt by our children. It does not matter that your child has just punched you and attacked you, the heart still breaks for them. The heart still longs to be together. Nothing will stop that yearning.

Daily Notes

     If I could give any advise to someone who is new to the whole MI realm, I would have to speak about how important it is to keep a daily log on your loved one. This may sound stupid or like too much work but it is so necessary in being able to keep track of the moods, actions and/or sleep patterns among other things. I know with my DD #2 I keep track of her moods, interaction with siblings, appointments, med changes, menstrual cycle and the level of anger (physical violence verses verbal issues).
      I spend about 30 minutes every night typing up what happened that day, good and bad. This prevents "lost information" due to my lack of memory with all that goes on day to day. When we are in the middle of a crisis I can look back and see where things started going down hill. During stable times you can also go over past logs and be able to see what worked and what obviously didn't work. You can also chart the changes and even try to figure out why some times happen.
      I know that daily logs help fill in any new people involved with your loved one's care. It can save on time that it would take to go over all the history and lower the "forgotten" information due to stress during a crisis time. I have a color coded system that I use when doing my daily log. Black font is for the information that doesn't have direct input on the loved one (ie: appointments, med changes, who I talk to and what was said). I use the red font for angry or violent times so that they are easily found just by glancing at the log. Green font is used when the loved one makes good choices in a situation or when they use their coping skills. I use an orange font when writing about a difficult situation but good choices and coping skills were used.
      Everyone has different ways to do a log and keep track of everything. Some people like to use an actual chart or graph, so will use a number system 1-10. Some just use a calender and mark off difficult days to be able to show any seasonal patterns. It doesn't matter what kind of system you use, anything is better then nothing. Think about what you need to keep track of and make a system that works for you. This is not meant to add to your already stressful life, but to help you figure out the whys and whens of MI.

Physically Fit

      It is very important that you always be aware of what your body is telling you regardless of whether you are dealing with an MI individual or not. This is more so when you are dealing with MI in your life. Your body tells you different things like when you are hungry, tired, happy, angry and many more. If you do not listen to your body and ignore it too long, it will retaliate, so to speak.
      When you are dealing with someone who has MI, this seemingly simple thing to do gets pushed to the side. In a crisis, a loved one is only thinking about what needs to happen to help the person with MI become stable again. You think to yourself, "I will rest when she is ok" or "I will get something to eat when they are secure and safe". Sometimes that can mean more then just a few hours, it can mean days.
       I know when my DD #2 is in crisis it usually happens in the evening hours when the day is winding down. I typically start my day at 6:00 am and by the time 8:00 pm come around, I am ready for bed. A typical crisis night for my DD #2 usually means a minimum of 7 hours sitting in an ER waiting for what is called a "psych consult". Once the consult is done and an inpatient stay is needed, the calls are made to get authorization from the insurance to proceed. Then finding a "psych bed" is another time consuming process.
       Once a bed is found and she is transported to the phosp (Psychiatric Hospital) it is usually the early morning hours. By the time I get home from signing the paperwork and arrive at home, I have been up for 24 hours, but it is not time to sleep yet. I have two other DD's at home to get up and get them ready for school within the hour, so I take advantage of the hour of peace and type up my daily notes from the over night hours.
       After my other DD's have left for school, it still is not time to sleep because typically when an admission is done in the overnight hours, you have to return to the phosp to meet with the case worker and the doctor at the facility. So you spend the next few hours calling all the people involved in your child's life like the school, the med doc, the counselor and any of the workers typically involved with the MI person. Once all those calls are made it's time to pack up some items that your child will need during their phosp stay like cloths, personal products, favorite pillow or stuffed animal and anything else that may help them.
       There is so much involved in this whole process that many do not even know and when you have more then one child, the work multiplies. During crisis times I typically am awake anywhere from 36-40 hours before I can finally get some sleep. Having to go through this one time is exhausting but you can manage without many issues arising. When you have to go through this numerous times, there is a risk that it will affect your health, especially when they are back to back crisis, meaning more then one in a 3-6 month period.
      Having back to back crisis times with phosp stays means that there is not much time for your body to recoup from the lack of sleep, the stress and decrease in nutrition. When your body does not have time to replenish itself, things begin to breakdown and ailments begin to "pop up". Things that normally would not bother you when you are relaxed and healthy, will put you on your butt.
      This year alone, we have gone through more then our share of crisis times and maybe even a little for someone else to boot, LOL. We are in the middle of my DD #2's third phosp stay in the past 5 months. I am not in the best of health right now nor am I ready to give up yet but I do realize that I have to take it easy this time. Due to my health declining I am forced to take it easy even when I don't want to but I need to for the sake of all of my DD's and not just the one inpatient.
      I am saying this just as much for me to see and read it, as it is for anyone else going through this. Make sure you take time for yourself to relax, even in the face of a crisis situation. Eat when you get a chance and carry crackers or something with you to keep your strength up. Sleep when you can, even if it is only an hour or so. Last but not least, make sure you call people to help you with the day to day things, that will free you up to take care of you, so you can help your loved one.
      

Racing Thoughts

      Day after day, week after week, month after month, you experience difficulty. You begin to think to your self "will this ever end?" or "will this ever get better?" With each passing day, week, month and even year, you get worn down a little more ever time. You start to question things and wonder if your the one going insane and not your child.
       These are some of the things that have gone through my head at times. I am even guilty of wondering what my life would have been like had I not had the children I have. How it could have been different had my DD's not had MI issues. Those are the times I kick myself for even thinking that way. Telling myself, " you love your kids, why are you thinking about what life would be like without them?"
       Then when you think life couldn't get worse, you gets some news you never want to hear again. The words that stab you right in the heart and play over and over again in your head. Your heart sinks because you know that there is not a darn thing you can do about it. Pray, pray, pray, that's all that comes into my head, praying without ceasing.
       You do what ever you can to get the words out of your head. Music blaring? TV going without watching it? Cleaning till you drop? Anything that works will do but it never truly takes it away. It only leaves it for later. How can we deal with all this information? How to deal with more new information around every corner? My goodness it is almost overwhelming, too much.
       Too many times I sit fighting the tears because I can't get things out of my mind. Tonight is one of those nights unfortunately. I have closed and opened this post so many times that if it was written on paper, it would have shredded into pieces by now. So I must end this and maybe I will finish a different one, LOLOL.

Friends Forever ?

      I think that one of the most significant pit falls of dealing with MI is the inability to make and keep friendships over a period of time, specially when the MI is present prior to the pubescent years. Many children with MI also have difficulty in social settings and lack the ability to sustain friendships that may be arraigned by social programs that some school have to help these kids. Even when friendships are made many of the children do not have the ability to maintain those friendships.
      For most people, the ability to maintain a friendship is something that comes naturally and you don't really have to even think about it. To someone with MI that ability is almost none existent or at best "cloudy". People with MI have to be taught and constantly (at times) coached on how to do this. This in itself can be difficult and at times very stressful for children with MI to the point it can cause issues to mount up within them.
       Too many times I have had to hold and rock kids because of the inner turmoil that is rolling over and over deep inside them. I have planned "get together's" for my girls to have some craft times with others to give them an opportunity to start conversations and friendships. I have even gone so far as to trick them into doing something that I know they would have a blast doing because they would not do it any other way. I sign up for things at church and in the community just to get my kids involved with others anyway I can.
        Children with MI history are not the only ones who have difficulty with making and maintaining friendships and/or relationships. The parents of these kids go through the same thing but not for the same reasons. Parents have a hard time because caring for a child with MI is so time consuming and tiring that we do not have the time or the energy to give anything else. We are so wrapped up in their lives, trying to get them help, supports, workers even during their stable times it is difficult to do it all, not to even think about it during crisis times.
        Yes there are times when they are stable that we can breathe a little easier and we may have some "free time" to enjoy ourselves, but it all goes flying out the window as soon as a crisis hits. Even those of us who have been able to establish some friendships, those become stressed when the instability hits. Even in the best of friendships or relationships, some do come to an end due to MI. Some can't handle the stress and some just can't understand why we do what we do, time after time.
        I have just recently had an issue arise with a friend that I thought was going to end our friendship. I had to hold my breath and pray to God that it wouldn't end because I didn't know how I was going to handle it if it did. She has been my "life line" at work and I have been able to lean on her, I didn't want my child to come between what we have. Thank God because of her understanding of what I go through on most days, it was just a "hiccup" and we were able to get past it, but not without some heartfelt talks.
       Everyone in this world needs friends to help each other get by our day to day trials. We need our friendships so that we can share our joys and triumphs. Sharing ourselves with others is a necessary part of existence. God made us to be together, to share and to uplift. He didn't make us to be alone. He didn't make us to do it all by ourselves. He sure as heck did not make us to be hermits in our shells, "protected" by outsiders. God made us to feel, see, hear and rejoice. He made us to cry, shout, sing and share. Every part of our being.
      When MI strikes, this inhibits our ability to do what God intended us to do. In the same respect, God can also take what is meant to destroy, maim and kill and turn it into something that can be used for His glory. He can heal a person from MI and/or use the MI to touch others around them. God knows what goes on within each and everyone of us and use every last little bit if we just let Him.

Heartfelt Thanks

      I have started two other posts in the last 24 hours or so and never finished them. I am placing them on hold for another day or so because I want to share just one day where I was truly blessed and touched by the support network that has gathered around our family. This is going to be one of those hard post's to write, not because of the hurt or anguish we have experienced but because of the unyielding love that has been shown to us.
     I was going to go through an all too familiar scenario in our household but have deleted it all because this is not about my family this time. I want to dedicate this to all those out there that put their own lives on hold for others at a moments notice. About people who care so much for you that they will get up at 4:00 in the morning to pick someone up after a very long emotional night in the ER with their child, and still go to work that day.
      People who give their car to a family for a day that is without one in order to get to appointments in an emergency and don't ask for anything in return. This is for the people who pray without ceasing without knowing the exact need but pray for the individual anyway. Cootos to those who make a meal so that at the end of a long stressful day you only have to worry about warming something up.
       To the one who makes a "Happy Birthday" banner and runs it down in the rain to hang it on the front door so the child will see it when they get home, and signs it from mom. And for those who bake a cake because a parent is soo busy with a crisis and it happens to be a birthday of another child.
      To the one's who sit on the phone while a parent is close to tears because they do not know what to do anymore and is just there as a listening ear. And the one's who take in a child at a moments notice when the parent can not be there to comfort their own needs even when it is more then one day at a time.
       To the workers who shuffle their meetings and case load to be available as support for hours on end as you sit in a hospital not knowing what will happen next. Also to the teachers who go above and beyond their role as a teacher and make themselves available for a teen struggling with heir own emotions that sometimes can be overwhelming when a sibling is in crisis. A teacher that gives out their contact information for those 1:00 am calls when they are afraid and alone because the parent has to rush to the ER in the middle of the night.
        To all these people and the many more that I'm sure have slipped my mind because of lack of sleep, I give my greatest appreciation that can not even be put into words. The tears that flow from my eyes as I write this blog are tears of hope, love and cherished heartfelt belonging that does not know words, time or boundaries. The tears that show just how deeply I am touched by the knowledge that we are worth this unending love and acceptance that many in our position never get to experience. I am blessed by all the people that have gathered around our family to support and lift us up to God in prayer.
        
       THANK YOU ALL for you will never know what this means to us

Heartbreak Hill

      One of the reasons that I wanted to do this blog is to get the word out there about MI and the effects of it on those around them. MI creates a ripple effect in our society/community, in both positive and negative ways. Yes there can be good things that can result from an unstable period in ones life. My DD's and I struggled for years with nothing but the negative aspect of MI but now I can honestly say that we are finally seeing some good come out of it.
       The ripple effect that I referred to can also include both the negative and the positive effects. How big the ripple gets and how often you see it all depends on the education of those immediately involved and the bystanders watching from the sidelines. Those in the "inner sanctum" of the ripple are the ones who can either make or break the situation, so to speak. This area of people are normally the immediate family of the MI individual or the natural/personal support people (mother, father, brother, sister, son, daughter, close friend...).
        In addition to the natural/personal supports, any case workers involved with these individuals are also in that inner sanctum. These people play such a crucial role in the life of a MI person. When you have one person making some ill thought out choices can cause such a huge ripple that it takes years to see all the negative effects made by that one thing. Yet when things are looked at from all aspects and is well thought out and planned for success, it can again make a good size ripple but the positive aspects can usually be seen right away and have long lasting ability. 
         I have seen both the positive and the negative ripple effects in both of my DD's. Both have made many choices, positive and negative, and have had different outcomes. My DD #1 is finally experiencing some of the positive  ripples after many years of negative ones. She is having a hard time dealing with this because she was so used to the negative results that she isn't sure what to make of the positive ones now. DD #1 is making some good strides in this and is scared out of her mind by it, but some stress is good for her, as it is for everyone. She needs more supports then other may need but again, that is ok and she can learn and grow from it.
        My DD #2 however is experiencing some of the negative ripples of some choices she has made. This is where the second area of the ripples comes into play, the bystanders. I like to call the by standers those whom you see watching from across the street at a scene, like an accident. They watch and speculate as to what happened, who's fault it was and what the outcome will be. They never really get the "whole story" but one side of it, their own version. The majority of these by standers will never know the real who, what, when , where and the why of it.
        I can separate the by standers into two sub categories, the "know it all's" and the "informers". The "know it all's" don't care about the who, what, where, when and why's because they already have it figured out in their heads what is going on. Where as the "informers" want to find out what is going on in order to help out the situation or at the least understand what is happening. Both of these by standers could potentially impede the life of a MI person.
       I pray daily for those by standers that have placed themselves in the front row of our life so that they can give us support in our lives, for they are truly a God sent. I also pray for those by standers that are in the second row of our life making sure that my DD's get the services and professional supports that they need to succeed in life. I am also learning to pray for the third, fourth and fifth rows of bystanders that have gathered solely to make sure that my DD's and I can't take a breathe without their OK to do so. For these individuals need more prayer then anyone because of their ignorance and refusal to educate themselves about MI and instead choose to put up the roadblocks and walls that my DD will learn to either go around or climb over.  Because like heartbreak hill, its better on the other side!

My Apologises

      I would like to put something out there to everyone who is reading and following this blog. Like life with someone who has MI, thing's do not always go as we may want them to go. The same idea goes with this blog, I wanted to be able to post a new blog everyday for at least the first few months. There is so much in my head that I would like to share and explain but like MI, it doesn't always go the way we want.
     Besides having three children, working and managing/scheduling all the doctor's, medication and specialty appointments, we do still experience some unstable times. In reality I will not be able to keep up with this blog every single night as I wished but will do my best to post as I can. I am also battling with some physical issues in my own body and that is also playing a role on what I can and can not do on a daily basis. As I always tell my girls, "do what ever you can to the best of your ability and that is all I will ever ask of you", I too will take my own advice here and do what I can to the best of my ability to post a new blog ever chance I get. So please be patient and remember, to always keep your head up and look toward the light that will guild you through every step that you take.

Praying For A Breakthrough

      When you are dealing with a child who's hormones and emotions are on an almost constant roller coaster you tend to revisit issues on a regular basis. Sometimes these issues can be rather trying and taxing on those around that are trying to help you. It's similar to that of watching a favorite movie more then once, you know what is going to happen and you know the outcome but you keep playing it over and over again. Unlike watching a movie, life is not as exciting or entertaining as a movie.
      It is hard for a parent to see things going down the already beaten down pathway and revisiting issues that wreak havoc within their still fragile minds and young bodies. This is extremely hard to watch because there is not a darn thing you can do to have it turn out differently. No mater how much you love them and how hard you work with them, if it does not "click" in their minds, nothing will change. In their odd ways, things that "click" for them isn't always what would normally "click" for others.
      For outsiders that do not understand what it is like to deal with an individual with MI, things look differently to them. When a rage is occurring, others may see a child having a really bad temper tantrum. When you see a child who has "run away" several times it may be interpreted differently and the child would be taken away and placed in foster care or a group home. When a child is skipping school one may see this as a delinquency thing and take action for it.
       Just because a child has MI that also does not in anyway say that a "typical" or "normal" teen action is always an MI issue. Yes children with MI do skip school or run away and it isn't anything more then a teenage rebellion thing. That is why people who can differentiate the differences between the two are needed to put the pieces together correctly. Also just because one particular  thing happens to be an MI issue doesn't mean that it can't be a normal "teen rebellion" at another time, this is why parents play an important roll in their child's recovery and stabilization.
      One night one of my DD was having a particularly difficult time with missing a loved one in her life. She had decided to walk to this person's house to make sure they were ok the only problem with this idea was that #1: it was 11:00 pm and #2 this loved one lived too far away and she couldn't possibly walk there. These things did not matter to her, all she was focused on was getting to their house and she refused to be swayed with reason. I was able to get my DD to stop and talk to me after we had been walking for about 20 minutes as I tried to reason with her.
       With no avail, my DD began to walk away from me again. I was trying to think about what I could do at this point. If I called the police, my DD would be seen as another runaway attempt and I didn't want the police to take her. I knew she was just milling over things in her head about her loved one and she wasn't thinking straight. I knew this was part of her MI and getting "stuck" (being hyper focused) on this particular thing. In a matter of two minutes my DD was out of my view and I needed to act or I would loose her. I began to walk in her direction when I saw her running toward me, crying. She ran into my open arms and she just bawled and melted as I reassured her I was there. We stood there and hugged for a little bit till she calmed down.
      I was so relieved that she came back to me on her own and I didn't have to call the police for assistance, I saw this as a sort of breakthrough for her. She had never come back on her own before when she was that determined to leave. The relief I was feeling was almost over powering, I wanted to cry right along with her. I was proud of her for making this step toward what I am hoping is a breakthrough for her. All I want is for my DD's to have a normal life and be happy with what they have achieved and not be over come by what they have not be able to reach. Unfortunately many who suffer from MI can't get past those unreachable goals, they get stuck.