Easier Times?

       When I look back on the first time I had to place a child into a phosp and what that women had said to me about it gets easier each time, I was horrified at the time. I felt I would never get used to doing this, it would never be easy to place a child inpatient. I know looking back on it, that it was a well meaning woman trying to offer a mother new to the psych world, a few well wishes. In a way that woman was right about it getting easier to place your child inpatient as time goes on but not in the way I was thinking at the time.
       I am finding now that we are in the fifth round of inpatient with DD #2 alone, it does get easier to sign those papers in the wee hours of the morning and walking out without your child. Doing so does not mean that your heart grows colder or that your love for that child has dwindled. For me it is easier for me to do it for two main reasons. #1: I know that the doctors can get her stabilized better then I can and #2: by the time instability is to that level of needing to be inpatient, I am exhausted both physically and mentally and in a way, ready for some quiet calm time.
        This does not mean that my love for my DD #2 is any less or more but as with anyone who cares for a medically ill individual, taking care of yourself is a necessity. It is well known that when a caretaker is not taking care of themselves then it will not be long till they can no longer take care of someone else. I have to admit that with this last inpatient stay, I went into it with a very heavy heart. I am more then just physically tired and is wearing on me mentally as well.
        I am not saying that I am giving up on my DD nor am I in any way, shape or form throwing in the towel. I am still here fighting for her and believing that she will reach this stability for a good stretch of time. Almost two years ago my DD #2 reached and maintained a 14 month period of stability and I believe with all my heart that she can reach that again.
        I think the only thing that doesn't get easier is the longing to have your baby back the way they were before the MI touched your lives. I know that as my DD# 2 reaches stability, I get a little bit of that little girl back. Seeing those glimmers of hope, keeps me going beyond what I thought I could handle. Seeing those glimmers also make it hard to leave her there. The times when she holds onto your hand and arm, not wanting to let go of you, those are the times that still bother me. When the right combination is figured out, I will be able to have that girl back home with us where she belongs.