Verbal Vomit

       I was going to originally going to write about different fears people have but I changed my mind. I am going to instead write about a strong emotional response that controls many of us more then we want to admit. I personally hate this particular response so much that I will go out of my way to avoid it. The thing I hate with such passion is tears.
       Due to different reasons I hate to cry. I hate why I cry at times and I hate the tears themselves (as if they have any say it coming or not). Some feel that tears are a way for the body to release pent up emotions or stress. Some say tears are good for you and are in a way healing. Some feel that tears are a sign of weakness and yet others see it as a sign of strengh. Yet others see them as being humble or of vulnerability.
      I believe that many of these are true when it involves or happens to others but not me. I know this is a really messed up way of seeing things but who ever said I was "normal" (LOLOL not me that's for sure). The way I was raised and my family life growing up, plays a role in why I think the way I do. Since becoming an adult and taking the classes I have taken for my degree is why there is the conflict in my thought process regarding crying.
       As a child, if you showed emotions or tears, your "spanking" always resulted in more hits when you cried out or showed tears. It was not a spoken thing, just something you learned real quick in a hurry. If you did not cry or cry out loud, it was over faster. I learned that no matter how bad it was, you held it in check. This meant physical pain as well as emotional, it didn't matter. Tears were tears.
       As an adult I understood why tears were both good and productive but I just couldn't bring myself to accept them as ok within myself. As I sit here almost 27 years since the last "spanking" I had to endure I still continue to struggle with the tears. Totally stressed out beyond anything I have had to deal with so far, I sit here fighting the tears that are building up. Fighting such strong emotions to sink back into SI (self-injurious) behaviors I try to hold onto the training I have had. Reaching out instead to put my feelings to print in hopes that reading it myself can put it all into perspective.
       Don't worry about me sinking back into those days because my children mean too much to me for this to happen. They are my world and I would never do anything that may hurt them in anyway and that includes my behaviors as well. I need to seek out and figure a way for my feelings to get out there so they stop eating me up inside. So here is what I like to call my verbal vomit. Dumping out everything in hopes to feel better, LOL. Sorry, did I get some on your shoes???