Friday, September 30, 2011

Justice?

          Imagine this, your at home and you get a call that you never thought you would get. The call is from your local emergency personal and your at a loose as to what to say. Your child had marched out of your door less then two hours ago angry and wanting to go for a walk to cool off. Now your child is in some serious trouble. Your child had done something that they would never had done had they not been so upset. You knew your child was not thinking and instead acting on adrenaline and emotion, but how can you explain that to them. How can you make them understand about your child. Your child is not the monster that everyone else thinks they are. Too many things float through a parents head when their child is in trouble.
          When my DD #2 got into some tough situation with our local emergency personal, there were many unfavorable comments made by individuals that had no idea what had transpired beyond what the local paper had stated. I know that papers need to sensationalize stories to keep the readers coming back and that in itself needs to change as well. They leave out the information regarding MI but yet they made sure to state that their were previous dealing with my DD #2. The paper did not elaborate that the previous dealing had nothing to do with any type of illegal activity nor did they mention that the previous dealings were getting an ambulance to get treatment for my DD #2.
          What the paper did not fail to say was how old my DD #2 was and what road we lived on, which I am pretty sure is borderline on legal where she is a minor. Granted her name was not mentioned but anyone who knows who lives on our road would know who the paper was talking about. Is that very fair to my DD #2, who has to live in this town? Is it fair to my DD #2 siblings? Now in addition to my DD having to deal with her MI she also has to deal with the name calling and the harassment by other children.
          The age old saying....."sticks and stone may break my bones but names will never hurt me" is soo not true in today's world. When my DD #2 came home in tears because another child was going around telling everyone to stay away from my DD #2 because she is dangerous, was something she was not prepared for. Heck it wasn't something I was prepared for. This was a "boo boo" I couldn't "kiss and make all better". This was something that is going to stick with her. Granted the school handled it and put a stop to it but the damage is already done. What a way to start off High School with.
          Now going back to the training of the emergency personal, if this was put into place then the information that was given to the news paper, would not have happened. It would have just been a little blurb in the police logs area. If the story was never written up as it was then the child's parents would not have put one and one together and known it was my DD. Then my DD would have been spared the harassment by this other child and looked forward to High School like any other teenager.
          It is sad how society has a way of twisting things around and thinking that this is the way things should be. My DD and I did not wish for this to be front page news and be the "talk of the town" but we were. 75% of that talk was not positive nor did these individuals fully understand what even happened. What is even sadder then this is the fact that there were people who not only trashed my DD in their online version that was posted hours after the incident, they trashed our whole family. The funny thing is that after I commented to all of the other comments that bashed me as a parent and how I raised my child, not one single comment was made. I did not bash any of the commenter's nor did I call them names like they did to us. I simply answered their questions within reason and asked them a few of my own. When one is faced with the plain and simple truth, no one seems to have anything more to say.
            So remember this............when you are faced with adversity, think before you act or speak. Think about what will happen by what you say. Anger and uninformed reactions can cause some harm that could be avoided. Think of who will be affected by what you say or do, it may touch someone close to you.

Friday, September 23, 2011

MI or Not?

 
        Thinking along the lines of how our judicial system works has more then once baffled me. It is there for the people to be able to set up a case as to why something was done wrongfully or not. It is there to be a non bias member to make a decision on whether something is legal or not. It is there to make sure justice is served. What many don't understand is that this same system that is meant to protect and to serve our people is also the same system that is sometimes unfair to MI individuals. It locks up people in jails and institutions where the proper mental health issues do not make it into the picture. It is a system that unless it changes how it works that the jails and prisons will soon be inundated with MI people that will only get worse the longer that their MI goes un-checked. Then when they are released back into society, they are worse off then when they went in. Then what will we do in society........we will send them right back into jail.
          I have never been one to have any interest at all in the judicial system. It is confusing to me because I have been ignorant to it. Until now. I just completed a nine month ordeal with the courts system. I have learned so much in these nine months that I am some what more knowledgeable in some aspects of it and even more confused in others. I have not been able to share on this while we were in the process of it but now I can now that it is over, to a point.
          Even when an individual is known to have MI, they are treated no differently then a common criminal. Don't get me wrong here, I believe that MI individuals need to abide by the same laws as everyone else but they need to be handled differently then the average person in order to get the same desired result. If they are not handled properly then a situation can become escalated to dangerous levels for all involved very quickly.
          There needs to be more training for emergency personal in dealing with crisis situation involving known MI individuals as well as suspected ones. They need to learn to see the signs of MI and basic skills in dealing with them these types of individuals. It will make their jobs a lot easier and will allow these individuals to get the correct help needed so that it can be a win win situation for all involved.
          Before this can happen we need to come to an understand though. Emergency people need to understand that MI individuals are not trying to "get away with murder" (figuratively speaking) and want to be treated differently, per say. People need to understand that when someone is unstable, they do things that normally they would not do if they were stable. The goal at that point is to safely remove the MI individual to a safe and secure place for all involved.
          Because of our dealings with the police and court system in the past nine months it has lite a fire under my pants to change who our local emergency personal handle MI individuals. I am on a mission to get Crisis Intervention Teams (CIT) set up in our town and towns around us. These teams will be comprised of emergency personal that have had some basic training on how to deal with MI and the most beneficial ways to handle situations. This is not going to be an easy job to get this type of program into the hands of people who want to see change. If someone doesn't try to get things to improve how MI individuals are treated and handled then their quality of life will diminish. Is this what we want in life, to chastise and hinder these people or do we want to help them? You decide.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Worry?

        Here I sit, thinking, pondering, surmising what tomorrow may bring. Will it bring freedom from the hindering thoughts? Will it bring sadness and fear? Will it bring an over whelming grief? Not knowing is driving me crazy! Too many possibilities and nothing I can do about it. I can't stop it from happening nor can I make it go the way I want it too. All I can do is wait and pray for His will to be done. To trust that He will be with us no matter what. He will comfort and hold us till the tears of joy or sadness run dry. He is our one and only comforter and healer. Sometimes I wonder though why we go through what we go through.
        I know we are not supposed to question God nor the ways in which He chooses to work. Is it wrong then to question why? The bible states that we are not to worry about things (Mt 6:25) does this include a healthy fear for our children? These are just some of what I am struggling with tonight. Fear and anxiety are running rampant in my mind. Running so much that it is making me sick to my stomach.
        Normally I do not struggle with this. Normally I am cool as a cucumber in the face of adversity. Tonight though it all hits very close to home. Can I pull the mat out from under these fears and make it crumble at His feet? Yes I most certainly can. This is where my faith is faltering. Putting these fears at His feet and trying to take them with me at the same time.
        When a storm is brewing and your watching it coming closer and closer to you. Growing in size and severity with each step. All you can do is manage and plan for the worst scenario and pray that is enough. You can't do anything to stop the storm from coming to pass. You can't change its direction/path it will take. You can't change what damage it will do.
         Even healthy individuals will succumb to damage at some degree. Some damage will not be seen by the naked eye. Some may only be seen by a trained eye or a discerning eye. Others may be as blatant as the sky is blue. This tree above was a healthy young tree, yet it crumbled under pressure of the winds. No one knew it would happen because it was young and strong. Yet there was nothing that could have been done.
         I am not sure if I too will crack under the pressure. I have faith enough to know that my Lord will carry me through this difficult time but that does not mean I will not worry. Yet in the same sense I wonder, by holding onto this worry, am I saying that God is not big enough to carry it Himself for me? I don't think so but the nagging thoughts that I am not trusting in Him enough still linger. Prayer and faith go a long way. I pray daily that I can release things to God and one of these days I will be able to fully trust in Him.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Lesser of Two Evils

           The last two weeks my DD# 2 and I have had to face some difficult choices. We have had to have some tough discussions and some one on one time to process things. She has gone from her cheery, active self and then to tears and wanting to be held. It has all been building within my DD #2 and my hearts for the past nine months and we have not even gotten to the hardest part yet.
          How do you explain adult things to a child so that they can understand? It's not an easy thing to do at all. There are some adults that would have a hard time with some of the things my DD #2 is going through. How do you have a child make an adult decision when they do not understand what is going on? Make a choice that could potentially change her life now as well as her adult life?
            How do you choose the lesser of two evils. How can you choose whether your child will be bitten by this spider, or burned with the below flame or to be stung by the lower bee? All three will hurt and all three could change her life if it is bad enough. How do you choose which one to pick? How could you be sure that your child was not allergic to this type of spider or to the bee? Yes they would probably live through a burn by this flame but it would scar her for life. How can a caring, loving parent choose which injury they will allow their child to deal with.
         I am actually at a loss for words here. I have finally come to a stand still with this and not knowing what to say. I have finally hit a plateau in my knowledge about MI and how to deal with this new thing. We have forty eight hours to decide what we are going to do. My brain is wracked with so many things right now, it hurts. What if I go with the spider and she is allergic to it. What about the bee? Is there an allergy there as well? If I choose the flame, this would surely leave her with scars for life. Do I do the flame because I rest assured knowing she will not die from that? Will I hate myself if I choose the lesser of the evils and it turns out to be the worst choose of all and I loose my kid because of the choice I made? Man do I wish there was a magic wand that we as parents could wave over our children as they are sleeping. A wand that would make all of the trouble of today into the victories of yesterday. Many kids don't get to choose what is best for them. Things are chosen for them by adults.

                                                                          So for those of you who are reading this, please keep us in prayer in the next few weeks. Pray that God will be done regardless of what we end up choosing. He will keep us safe, willing and able to handle anything that the devil dishes out to us.

Heart to Heart: pt 3

          My DD #1 wants this book to be a book of success. Success at overcoming abuse and adversity and the road she took to get there. The joys and the heartaches as well as the supports needed to be an over comer. She wants other children to be able to find out that they are not the only ones struggling with this.
         In talking with my DD #1 regarding this book, I was able to take this time to chat frankly with her. Share some of my heart with her and to show her how proud I am with the fact that she is taking a struggle within her life and turn it into a good outcome. I also took this time to be able to explain to her what she is getting into when sharing about something that is so dear to her heart. The dangers of sharing intimate details of her life.
          I was able to also share with her what I went through in regards to the healing process. How it took years for me to reach where she is today. How it wasn't until just 3 years ago that I was finally able to forgive this neighbor of what he did. Also how it wasn't until my father's dieing days did I realize that I had missed so much with my father because of the resentment and anger I held onto. Yet even with the forgiveness I verbalized it still took another year or so before I would allow myself to truly walk in that forgiveness.
          Not until about 2 years ago that I was finally able to give ALL of my ill feelings and harbored secrets to God and not turn around and pick it back up again a day or a week later. I was able to share with her that it is not only important to verbalize forgiveness and see it as something that will come in time. As you come to the belief that you desire forgiveness, verbalize it and live in it, will you truly be free from its grasp.
          This heart to heart time was not without difficulty because I also believe there are just some things I will not share with my children. Things that will not help them or give them strengh to get through adversity. With this being said, there were somethings I just refused to share. I was however able to share some of my thoughts and feelings toward my abuser as well as my father.
          The regrets I now have toward my own actions and anger that I held on for so many years. The sorrow toward my children not really being able to bond with their grandparents and their cousins. The running I did for so many years to put space between myself and my family due to the abuse I endured as a child. Granted now they have been given the opportunity to do such things, I regret that it took my fathers death before it happened and it still took 5 more years before I moved back home. It took that long because I went from not having respect for my father, even in death, to allowing myself to move past it and truly forgive him and myself for all those years.
          I am praying that through this book, my DD #1 can get to that point sooner then I did. I don't want her to miss out on everything like I did. Missing out on the time that she can never get back. To move past the abuse and come out a victor. It is also this abuse that we both have gone through that we were able to have this heart to heart talk. The time will come when she can do this with others and help them get through it as she and I did.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Heart To Heart: pt 2

       What no one knows about this child's home life is that there is an abusive father dictating every one's actions, words and ability to reach out for help. The father is abusive by both physical anger and verbal/emotional abuse. This child felt that they could do no right by the father that they loved so much. This child felt as though the father would not believe them anyway so why bother upsetting him or failing in his eyes. Nothing was worth that, including their safety.
        About  5 years later, the secret was finally put to words and the parents found out. Just as the child feared, the father did not believe what had happened. "Your lieing! Why would you say such things?" is what rang in the ears of that child as the tears rolled down the face. The child thought the worse had gone by but the worst was yet to come. At 16 years old, that child went through the court process without the help of her father. The mother was there to lean on but this was never talked about in the home again. The child again had to suffer in silence.
        Years later this child continued to deal with the abuse in silence. Silence had been easier now, comforting in a way, used to the feeling or lack there of. Blocking the thoughts and feelings from the mind as best the child could. The child was no longer a child anymore and the destructive behavior had become a way of life. Staying drunk, yelling and anger were a coping skill, that worked for a while. When this no longer worked and they had realized what they were doing, it was time to face the fears and memories.
        Just because one wants to "get better" is only half the issue, the hardest part of healing is yet to come. It took years for this person to get past blaming themselves. Years of finally giving the burden to the Lord and NOT pick it back up again. It was years before they were finally able to talk about it without crying and feeling it all over again. Years before they truly could forgive and finish healing. 25 years after the abuse ended I can finally say I have a peace in me that passes ALL understanding. This unfortunately it came 10 years too late to tell my father that I forgive him.
        Yes this "story" was about my own abuse at the hands of two men I looked up to when I was little. The struggle I went through to get to the place I am today is also real.  The regrets I have for not having the relationship I wanted with my father. All those years that were wasted because I was too mad at my father. The years that can't be made up. 
         The reason for going over all of this is because this is what my DD #1 wants to write about, her abuse and how she came out on the other side victoriously. A teenager's story about her own abuse for teenagers to read and see that they are not the only one. Share what worked and what didn't work in her healing process. She has come a long way from where she was 5 years ago but she also has a long road ahead of her. She is further in her healing then I was at her age.
Continued one more time..............

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Heart To Heart: pt 1


       As the years go by and you look back on everything that has happened while raising kids, there are memories that come to mind. I had one of those times happen tonight, thanks to my DD #1. She came to me with a book idea that she wanted to work on, one I suggested about 6 months ago. I was a little surprised by this because it was a topic that I didn't think she was ready to work on. A topic that was close to my heart and hers but one that would be a difficult for her to work threw regarding her past abuse.
        Abuse is a difficult thing for anyone to have to deal with and work threw as an adult let alone as a young adult. At some point in one's life you have to face the abuse and what it did to change your life, good or bad. You need to face that fact that unless it was a stranger abusive situation or a sever physical abuse, there was some good memories. Now I am not saying that the abuse itself is good, just that a good percentage of abuse situations that do have pleasurable memories with that abuser as well as negative memories.
         Before you start pounding on me about what I have just said, look at this example of abuse that I am referring to. A child is being sexually abused by a person in their neighborhood. This person is an outstanding person and is married with child of their own (now grown). This person has opened their yard to children in the neighborhood and shows them how to garden, seems innocent enough, right? The child and this person are always in the view of neighbors, nothing seems out of the ordinary. Until one hot day this neighbor asks the child if they want a cold glass of lemonade.
        No big deal back in the 70's for a friendly neighbor to offer a glass of lemonade. This time though, they ask the child to help bring out the glasses for all the other children that are also there. The child was only inside the house for the amount of time it took to make the lemonade and carry it outside. No harm done, right? What you don't know is that the whole time they were inside, the neighbor was touching the child where only a doctor should be touching.
        Ok now you may say, there should not be much that has to be dealt with in five minutes worth of touching, every now and then. The guilt that laid in that child head for years to come started when they realized what really had happened to them as an teenager. Questions lingered in the foremost of their thinking. "Why did I keep going back there after the first time?" "I liked the attention and even the touching, so it's my own fault!" "I was asking for it." "I like working in the garden, so I have to put up with the touching."
        These and many more would float in and out of the mind to confuse the child to the point that they refused to deal with it and that something was messed up with them. They suppressed the incidences further and further down. Not making it go away but yet push it down far enough that it could be buried for a short period of time by drugs, alcohol and/or sex.
        Why didn't this child just tell someone what was happening? More to come with this story .......To Be Continued, in part 2.....

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Gotta Have It

       The "gotta have it" belief can be found in both a MI person as well as a stable person with no disabilities. When a person sees something and they get the feeling of, "I can't live without it" or the "I just gotta have it or I'll die", is a common thing in children. This type of thinking usually decreases as a person grows older and more mature, but not always. The Bible also warns against this type of gluttony in the sixth commandment when speaking about coveting our neighbors possessions.
        Now I am not saying that one can not or should not see something and say "man it would make life so easier if I had...." Or "that is sweet, I wish I had that". These are perfectly normal desires but they do not rule over your life or view of things around you. It becomes an issue when it becomes something that is present in your thinking all the time. I have also found that what ever part of the brain that "switch's things around" as we mature in our thinking is either delayed or missing in individuals that are MI.
        I know that I see my DD's friends go thought this and yet my DD#2 gets "stuck" in this mode very easily. She even becomes obsessed in things to a point where I get fed up and tell her "enough is enough, I don't want to hear another word about it". Now my DD #1 went through the faze and came out the other side just as one without MI. So that leaves me questioning. Why do some have issues with this and some don't?
       Is it genetics? Is it temperament or learned behavior? If it is learned behavior, how can two children who are raised int he same way/family, turn out differently? Is there something we can do as parents to raise children who do not covet others belongings? What should we say when our children get the "I gotta have it" mentality? When is that way of thinking becoming a problem?
        Sooo many questions and no real answers to boot, LOL. Gotta love life sometimes and the joys and struggles of raising some strong healthy children. Prepare them to become some strong healthy adults that can become leaders in their generation if they so choose. Good luck to all the parents out there struggling with this issues regardless if your children have MI or not. We have to band together and be strong for them.