Nasty, Four Letter Words

      In the years since my children were dxed, I have learned so much that you can not learn from any text book or in any classroom. Granted the college classes I took while going for my Associates degree in Human Services taught me the book knowledge it could not teach you the other side of the illnesses. Emotions and learned reactions play a big role in MI as well as trama. Like I have said before and I will probably say again, we do not live our lives by a textbook, nor does MI, this is why it is hard to treat at times. What one person may see as good or positive another may cringe at the thought of it never mind doing something about it.
     There are many things that I have found over the years that are seem as "bad words" or unspeakable things. I want you to think about some words and what they mean to you. When most people hear the word love, it may bring good thoughts to your mind. Maybe of a crush you had growing up, You may think of your first boyfriend or girlfriend. Maybe even pictures of your favorate place that you experienced a happy moment in your life. Maybe even go so far as to the smell of your favorate food. For some the word love brings pain and memories that you have tried to surpress. Memories of a loved one who has passed away. Maybe memories of abuse from a parent or parent figure that says "I only do this because I love you". How about the words "I love you" being said to a child while they are being violated. For these children love is a four letter word, one that they would rather not hear because it is associated to a negative thing.
     How about the word hope? What does hope mean to you? For me hope is something I reach for in a  difficult time. It is a word that can mean soo much depending on what your situation is. What if hope was an unreachable feeling? If hope was always beat down in your mind by others words or even by your own self-talk. If hope was constantly ripped out of your hands time and time again and only replaced with uncertainty and discouragement. If hope is a cruel joke played by others. Again, hope can be viewed as nothing more then just a word in your language that means nothing to you.
      We live our lives the way we interpret things. When one has endured the hardships of abuse or trama, the simplest things which bring us good thoughts and memeories may bring fear, anxiety and torture to others. It doesn't matter what are four letter words to people or to avoid those things. What matters is how you view the the people themselves. Weither you are talking about an abuse victim or a person with MI, both see things differently and that is why they act as they do. When you can understand this connection, what to do next is easy.
     People, regardless of MI or trama, want to be understood and treated with respect and yes I will say the dreaded "L" word, they want to be loved. Truely loved, not superficail, not sexual, but real deep down love that can not be shaken by time or situation. I love my children with all my heart as much today as I did the day they were born. I loved my DD #2 even while she was biting my arm in the middle of a rage. I loved my DD #1 even after she shut my hand in her door trying to keep me out of her room. No I do not and will not love their behavior when they are unstable, but my love for them as my children will never fail or dwindle.
     Granted my love is what my DD #1 fears will come to an end someday, I will not stop telling her I love her. I will not stop showing her that I love her. Until the day comes when she can hear the words "I love you" and not cringe at the sound of it. Until she can accept that it is not going to hurt her and believe it, those simple words will continue to haunt her. Until the day that she can say those words and know that they wount come back and bite her in the butt, she will continue to struggle. I pray that day will come before she looses out on too many joys that await her. I also pray that she will allow others to love her because right now she push's everyone away that gets too close to her heart. I will rejoice when the day comes that love is no longer a four letter word.