Big Girl Steps

     As I sit here, like many nights, I wonder why my DD what I see as self sabotage. They want so much to succeed at things in their lives yet they do so many things that act in the opposite way. I often wonder if they even connect their actions with the outcomes. They work so hard to achieve just small steps forward and instead take one or two backwards.
      My DD # 1 is looking at college's and thinking about her future but yet she has not been away from home for more then 4 days at a stretch, not even to sleep over friends homes more then twice. She also deals with some good size anxiety issues and instead of taking her medication for it, she just lets the fear build up until she explodes on an unsuspecting bystander. I am all one for trying to do things without the need for medications, as you learn to cope and deal with issues, sure try to go without medications for a while. When it can be proven time and time again that the way you are coping is not working then maybe you need to look at it differently.
       Another area I see often with DD #1 is her desire to get a job. She takes the effort to go and pick up applications and brings them home, fills them out and then doesn't turn them back in for months and by then the position has been filled. She has never been able to handle a regular job, even babysitting, for more then a handful of months. Yet she stills longs for a job.
      DD #2 has just reached the age where she wants to work and like her sister, she doesn't think all the way through things. They both went to "interviews" last week, a job that was lined up by an agency that we get services from set it up for them, yet DD #2 acted very child like during the meeting. This behavior is not looked at as a good thing, thank God for the agency that set this up and arraigned for DD #2 to have a one on one person go with her for the first several weeks of work to insure she can handle it.
      This opportunity will be great experience for both of them and it will be doing something they both enjoy. The "job" they will be doing will first start out at 2-4 hours a week, because they are both still in school, and their hours could be increased as summer approaches and they can handle more hours. I am always concerned about what their lives will be like if this behavior continues to impact their lives. I know that they will qualify to stay with this organization that has set this "job" up for them but I would love to see them be able to live on their own, like any other parent.
      Both of my DD's are excited to begin working yet in addition to the childish behavior from DD #2, she has it set in her head that she wants to live at the phosp. She has tried numerous times to "get sent back" and verbally said she wants to go back, "to feel safe". She likes the feeling of having staff ready and willing to keep her safe even when she doesn't want to be safe. I don't think she realizes though that if she "lived" at the phosp they are not going to let her out to "go to work". This is the thinking I wonder if they even connect these things.
      So tomorrow is the "big day" when they get to see all the different area's that they can work in and decide where they will fit best in. They get to find out what there duties will be and what is expected of them. I am praying that they will be able to manage their emotions and their abilities to do the job that is asked of them. I know they can do it, I just pray they know they can do it too. It's a big step for both of them.

Stand By Me

      Many times a person who deals with MI on a daily basis whether it is in a loved one or you  yourself dealing with it, walks this road alone. Some may think there is something wrong with you or makes you feel like you have a contagious disease and keeps you at arms lengh. They may not know how to act around you or it could be fear stopping them from getting too close. Many don't know enough about MI to know that with proper medication one can lead a normal life and no one would know any different.
      Being touched by MI can be seen on your face, your body gestures and your personality. Those who deal with it can see it in others and understand the tired eye's, the drained face and body. You can tell when the MI is stable and when it is flying high on auto pilot. Too many see this but not many act on what they see because they don't know what to say or they don't have the time. Many don't say anything because they don't know for sure and if they inquire about it that opens one up to ridicule and questions as to why they know about MI.
      It is a lonely life for a person who deals with in within their own body. One minute you are up and doing everything under the sun, cleaning from top to bottom and next you can't even get out of your own way. This process can take as little as minutes and hours, or as much as days or weeks. It can mess with your mind and not know whether you are coming or going. Your cycle (the ups and downs) can be so quick that you swear you are going to give yourself whiplash if you try to figure things out.
       To make their life easier I know people who have even put a "name" to their cycle's to allow others to understand when it is not a good time to visit or chat. This way they don't have to explain what is going on when they are cycling or have to go into what is up. It's a code for those who are close to them, those who understand and will accept it now and ask questions later when it is a better time. This also allows those who care about them to know when to "keep and eye" on how bad they get or how long it is taking. Makes it easier for loved ones to keep track of the moods and know when it is time to call for help.
       Having to deal with MI in yourself is a long hard road but it is also hard for those around you who love you. I know as a parent of minors who have MI, my friends list is not very long, my list of people I get together with is even shorter and my list of choices of mates is non existent. I don't even know if I remember what to do on a date, may have to ask some teenagers for advice on that one, if it ever comes calling again. Our children become our lives. We do not have room for socializing or going out with friends to have a good time or too blow off steam. When we have more then an hour or two of peace we spend it either sleeping or cleaning, LOL because usually that is the only time you have to do those things.
       Anyone who knows and understand a busy life style with a heavy workload will tell you, "the only way to survive is to take an hour everyday to do something for yourself." Yes that is all good and well meaning and I think I have heard those very words come out of my mouth a few time's when talking to other parents, so yes I am guilty of this as well but in reality, most days you don't get an hour to yourself and be awake at the same time. Most of the time, this blog is the only time I have when all the children are in bed and I have time to process my thoughts. This is my "me time" and if it can help others to understand MI and how it effects more then just the individual, then it can also be someone elses "me time".

Winds of Change

     We had a particularly difficult time in our lives several years ago that uprooted our family in more then one way. This is when I found out that one of my DD's was being abused by a trusted individual that I had allowed access to my family for almost 4 years. In addition to finding this out I had also found out that my ex-husband had even known about this going on for several weeks and didn't bother to tell me about it. Our whole life was turned upside down and not knowing who I could trust and who I couldn't.
      The night I found out about this I confronted this individual and I was so upset I stumbled over my own words not really knowing what to say. Within 12 hours he had disappeared from our life and on the run from the police. This began a 9 week hunt for him through several states before he was caught and placed under arrest. All of my children as well as myself were interviewed by so many professionals it was making my head spin. My DD wouldn't even leave my side and the other two were very insecure as well and difficult to get them to school. I felt horrible making them go but with all the meetings and doctors appointments with my DD and the upcoming court battle, I needed them to be in a safe place.
       I had to make some really difficult decisions and changes in our lives and moved the family two states away. I needed to be closer to my family and the people I knew would always be there and never have to question if my children were safe or not. Granted my ex-in-laws were great and still are to this day, I didn't feel like I would be able to make it there. There was too much of a reminder for my DD, everywhere she went people talked about what happened. Small communities have a habit of news like this to spread like wildfire. She had kids coming up to her in school asking her about what happened, kids she didn't even know. She would come home crying almost everyday until I stopped making her go.
       We left to go to my mother house at Thanksgiving and I told my children once we were there that we were not going back home. My mother and I drove the six hour drive to get a moving truck and packed up what I could fit in it as well as my mini van. We spent the last night I would live in this state and took off at daybreak and never looked back. I was scared for my children because I had no idea where we would live, I didn't have a job waiting for me and I had no idea what was even going to happen next.
       It would be four long months of filling out paperwork and putting in applications for emergency housing slots everywhere I could find. Four long months of going from one house to another, one family member to another, one friend to another. The children went to four different schools in one year. I began to wonder if we would ever find a place to live or that life would ever be able to get back to normal. My DD behaviors really became getting to the point I couldn't take much more of it. My friends and family were so supportive but I knew our added stress was really waring on them as it was on us.
       I was at the lowest point in my life when all seemed hopeless and my faith was on the line so to speak. I had been raised in the church and had lived my life the best I could. I loved the Lord and raised my children to love God also but I had never really trusted in Him to the fullest extent that I did at that point. I would pray for a roof over our heads and a place to call home but deep in my heart I wanted a house with a fenced in yard in a nice neighborhood. A good church to bring my children up in that had the same beliefs and values I had raised them on.
        I had finally gotten to the point in my life that I  finally said to God, "OK you have all of me, I can't do this alone anymore, I can't be the strong mom and the one who carries it all with a smile and holding my chin high. I can't do it anymore!" I have never cried so much in my life as I did that night in my car, not knowing where we were going or what we were going to do but when I stepped out of my van and headed into my sisters house, I had felt a peace that I can not begin to understand or put to words. I peace that truly passes all understanding, I was standing up tall and head up high. I knew we were going to be alright.
       With a new week starting and a faith renewed in me brought news that could only have been God sent. There was an emergency opening that I had applied for and if we wanted it, it would be ready in a week in a half. Praise God, we had a home! I didn't care that it was an hour away from my family, I didn't care that I had never even heard of this town, I accepted the slot without even seeing it. I knew this was a God given placement and when I saw the place I began to cry because it was more then what I had been praying for, it was my hearts desire plus so much more that I would find out in the years to come.
        This house meant more to me then just a home. It was a new beginning and new start to our healing as a family. A place where abuse has no hold on us and place where we could grow and heal. To say that we have adjusted to this new life would be an understatement. My faith in the Lord has multiplied and grown int he years we have been here and I hate that it took this incident before I realized how much I was missing in my relationship with God but I am so happy I finally made the choice to allow Him to be Lord in my life, totally and completely.

Russian Roulette

     Parenthood does not come with a manual, many times I wished it had. So when dealing with children in general, one has to go on your gut instinct in how to deal with different situation. This is why some situations turn out one way with one child and the same situation in a different child could turn out differently. With enough interaction with a particular child you can pretty much ascertain a positive or negative outcome of a situation. This does not mean it will turn out exactly as you thought it would, every time.
      When my DD #2 came down stairs one evening and told me she was not feeling safe I questioned why she felt that way. She began talking about not feeling safe around DD #3 because she had tried to push her down the stairs. This was not a mean or harmful act on the part of DD #3, it was only a goofing off time involving DD # 2 and DD #3 that continued up the stairs on their way to bed, thus was not done with malice intent. Once this was explained to her, she then moved into the fact that she wanted to go back to the phosp because she didn't feel safe here with her sister.
       Trying to explain to a child that they can not live at a phosp is a delicate process. You don't want to make it so they cringe at the idea of a phosp stay if it is needed to achieve stability but you want to make it "bad enough" that she doesn't want to go there in the present when it is not needed. Just like a criminal in prison that can not function outside of those walls and re-offends to get placed back in prison, this can also happen to a person who suffers from MI. In the phosp, DD #2 feels safe because she has a staff full of people who will keep her safe even when she doesn't want to be safe. This can become an addictive behavior for her and we needed to work toward her not needing these measures to feel safe.
      At this point I had asked her if she wanted to sleep in my room with me but she said no and continued on with wanting to go back to the phosp. I ignored all comments about the phosp because I had known that once DD #2 was focused on something, it is not easy to redirect her and that ignoring those comments and talking about other things was my best chance. I then asked her if she wanted me to sleep in her room with her and again the answer was no. That in itself told me she really wasn't feeling unsafe enough to warrant her wanting to be with me like she had in the past.
      Once I realized this I knew this was her way of trying to get back in the phosp, she knew what she needed to voice and say that would normally cause anyone to act on it and place her inpatient. I decided at this point to do something that could potentially back fire on me and walked past her and started up the stairs. Once I was past her and I knew she wasn't following me, I said something to her without stopping my climb up the stairs. I told her without looking at her, "well I am going to bed and if the voices really want to kill you then they will do it whether you are upstairs with me or down here by yourself." To my relief, DD #2 ran up the stairs behind me begging me "don't leave me mommy, don't leave me".
     Once I had her upstairs that was one step closer to getting her to lay down and go to sleep. She refused to lay down and instead sat on her bed saying she was going to stay up all night and I replied with "ok if that is what you want to do" and left her in her room alone. I was not too concerned with her resorting to SI (self injury) but I also wasn't totally discarding that idea and I went to bed fully dressed in case I needed to bolt for any reason.
    Soon I heard some movement in her room and just laid there listening to see if I could figure out what she was doing. After about 10 minutes and I couldn't figure it out I got up and went to check on her. I was shocked by what I saw because I wasn't expecting it and asked her what she was doing. "I'm cleaning my room. Its one of my coping skills" she replied as if it was a common thing that she did. All I could say was "oh! ok" and walked back out of her room dumbfounded.
     I don't know if I was more surprised that she was using a coping skill without having to be guided to do so or if I was shocked that she was cleaning her room without three days of threatening to take a trash bag in there and do it myself. This defiantly wasn't the outcome I had expected at all. It wasn't even in the realm of my thinking regarding my DD #2. This was totally out of her character. I had imagined a rage that would end in an unnecessary phosp stay or even in her coming into my room crying and laying down with me but for her to clean her room????
      The dangerous game of Russian Roulette is very similar to the game you play with MI. You never quite know what is going to be the outcome. Violence, rage, suicide, SI or many other negative outcomes. Sometimes you get the pleasant outcome like I had that night. Expecting the worse and instead getting the unexpected.
    

To Be or Not To Be

     This simple yet complex phrase from William Shakespeare can be looked at and torn apart into many ideas and theories about life itself and our existence. Who shall we be in our life and what shall we accomplish, what are our goals in life. These are just some of the questions that go through every human being's mind at one point or another. Teens are asking these questions as they decide if they will continue their education beyond High School.
     Teens are not the only ones who think about these things. Those adults that are going through what is commonly called a "mid life crisis" do the same things. They look at their life and make changes because they feel they have missed out of some things. People who experience a drastic change in their lives also go through these question. When my father passed away in 2001, my mother was faced with some of these questions. She had be married to the same man for almost 50 years and now he was gone, what does she do now? How is she supposed to face each new day without her man beside her?
      All of these instances are a healthy form of stress because it causes you to act. When these things are dwelled on or drawn out for an abnormal amount of time and begin to negatively effect ones life, then this needs to change. Also you need to look at the reason why these thoughts come about. Is it due to a good kind of stress or change in your life or has it come about as a result of a negative experience. Just because something happens due to a negative experience doesn't necessarily mean that it continues to be negative either. Many good things came about because of a negative situation but that does not automatically make it a negative thing. It all depends on how you look at it and see something come to pass.
      This is true when dealing with MI. The illness in itself is not a positive situation but what becomes of it can be. With the right supports in place in someones life, they can most defiantly have a positive outcome, if the person is willing to use those support faithfully. If we look at my DD #1 situation, she is looking forward to life after High School and what she wants to be or have as a job, she has her heart set on being a writer. Due to her LD's that involve her ability to correctly use the English language, she will have a difficult road ahead of her. She also is very stubborn like her mother and does not take the answer no too lightly and will fight for what she believes in. This is a good trait for her because she will work until she achieves her dream.
      On the other hand my DD #2 has not reached the age of looking toward her future as of yet but that doesn't mean she doesn't act on things going on in her life. Her MI affects so much of her life that it makes it difficult for her to manage her day to day life without medication and a strong support team helping her constantly. Unlike her sister, DD #2 deals with heightened auditory hallucinations during stressful times in her life. Granted she is aware that these voices sometimes deal with negative suggestions and she has to decide whether to do as they say or ignore them but it is not always as easy as it sounds.
      If you think about that old commercial with the man that has a little "devil" on one shoulder and a little "angel" on his other one, both trying to get the man to do what they want. Now imagine having to walk around with that going on in your head all the time and not just in stressful situations. Imagine having the "bad" one constantly telling you that you are no good, or that your better off dead? What if all you head was a twisted version of who you are and that you can not do anything right? What would happen to your ego. the inner most part of who you are? Day after day, week after week, month after month.
      When we hear about how abused people can be brain washed into thinking the way that their abuser thinks and how horrible this is. How it takes many many months and even years to undo what someone has done to them. We can understand and can feel sorry for one that has been through that. How about when instead of having an external person doing this, it was an internal voice saying these things. Why can we not understand this? Why is it beyond our realm of sympathy and why do we just try to discard these people?
      I think the reason we dismiss them is because we do not understand or because people have tried in vain to reach these people with no avail. After years and years of dealing with this, sometimes the person is "lost" or so beyond help that they no longer want the help. Some people even like the voices, they keep the individual company so to speak. The voices tell you what to do that way you don't even have to "think" because the voices do it for you.
      It saddens my heart to think that there are those out there that want to keep their "voices". To think that their lives mean more to them with the voices present. My DD #2 has said on more then one occasion that she likes her good spirits (that's what she calls the voices) and wants to keep them, its the bad ones she doesn't want. Unfortunately you can't take medications for just the bad ones. She is torn between taking the medications and loosing both of the spirits or not taking it and having to deal with what the bad spirits say and "make her do". To be or not to be, that is the question that she faces. Its not an easy decision nor is it an end all choice.
     

Calm in the Midst of a Storm

     The storms of life are different for everyone, this includes those who have MI and those who do not. Many times families try to "hide" those storms in fear what others may say or look at them differently because of them. Yes there are some things that do not need to be publicized for all to see and there are other things that shouldn't be kept a secret and sometimes there is a very fine line here. Some things need to be changed in order for others to realize that they are not alone.
     Due to the fact that I have a degree in the Human Service field, I had the opportunity to study and learn about mental health and some of what those who suffered from it went through. Even with all that is written about MI, I felt like what I went through with my DD's was not typical. I know differently now that I have had the opportunity to talk to other parents about what they go through. I believe that in order for other parents to fully understand that they are not "the only one" dealing with some very unsettling issues, someone has to speak up and share the "storms of life".
     A typical week for our family usually involves at least two fights between my DD's. Yes this is very typical in most families that have more then one teenager in the same home. What is not typical is to the extent of those fights. The fights usually end in having to physically restrain one of them so that there is no blood shed or bodily injury, and no that is not an exaggeration.
     An example of such an outburst or what many of the parents I have talked to, call them rages, because they are truly a rage full fit. One time my DD #2 was having a specially difficult day and became pretty force full and I ended up having to hold her down on the floor until she calmed down. While I had straddled her on the floor and held her wrists loosely above her head she had full use of her legs and feet. I was repeatedly kicked in the back and the head.  I had no way of holding her legs at the same time as having her arms. With her feet she had successfully knocked down the book case beside us that housed our movies. During this whole rage , as with every rage where I had to restrain, I would calmly repeat just a few sayings like "its ok, calm down" and "I love you". I had learned that staying calm and having a calm voice during a rage meant shorter rages. I also learned no to comment back to what she has said and that is why I say the same thing over and over again.
     When I took my attention off of my DD #2 and calming asked if my DD #1 could get the book case off of us and move some of the movies so DD #2 and I would not be hurt on them. In the 30 seconds it too me to say that to her and focus back on DD #2, she was able to pull her head up high enough to grab a hold of my forearm in her mouth. I first calmly told her that she was hurting me and for her to please let go of my arm, with no response to my question other then a firmer hold on my arm, I took an inventory of what was going on. I knew she didn't want to hurt me, she was only interested in getting me to let her go.
     I had to make a decision and fast, do I let go of her arms to get my skin out of her mouth and take the wrath of her punches to my chest? Or do I keep a hold of her arms and figure out another way to free my arm? What is the lesser of two evils so to speak. Chose to just slowly pull my arm out of her mouth and keep her arms secure. She did eventually calm down so that I could release her and her usual after math of her rages, went upstairs and slept for over an hour. When she woke up she got right to work cleaning up the movies she had knocked over.
    For years I would not speak about the things that I have posted above because I didn't want others to know how bad it had gotten. Yes I needed help with my DD's but in the same sense I didn't want others to see it. I didn't want to loose my DD's and I was afraid that if anyone knew how bad it was they would be removed from my house for every one's safety. It wasn't until it got even worse and more frequent did I finally start to tell others what was once hidden, but not anymore.

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!

     You all have probably watched or at least heard of the movie "The Wizard of Oz" and the character's Dorothy, the Tin Man, the Lion and the Scarecrow. Dorothy spends the whole movie trying to find her way back home where the Tin Man was in search for a heart. The Lion was searching for bravery and the Scarecrow was looking for a brain. This movie has some commonalities in the life of someone with MI.
     When one has a MI it is like a fairytale in the sense that somethings just don't make sense. Things don't necessarily follow a rational thought process and we may be left scratching our heads when something may seem totally correct or rational to the individual with MI. In order for us to understand why this person does what they do we need to begin to figure out why they think the way they do. Once we can figure out what is important to them and their thought process we can begin to piece together the puzzle.
      Everyone in this world is searching for something that is lacking in their lives. You could be searching for a bigger and better house or car. You could be searching for a job that fits your idea of the perfect job. You could be searching for your true love or your soul mate. All of these and many more are very much a rational desire and in some sense natural, healthy goals. When a desire is extreme in nature or have an unrealistic achievability (if that is even a word, LOL) this is when it becomes an issue.
     To someone who has issues with MI sometimes the achievable goal is beyond what would be viewed within normal parameters. If you think about the characters in this movie, the Tin Man is looking for a heart yet he has the ability to feel which in a way proves he has a heart. The Lion is in search of courage yet he stands up to the wicked witch of the west, again proving he has what he is looking for. These examples are similar to the thought process of a person dealing with MI.
      My DD #1 for years looked for the love she thought should get from her father, although this is on its own could be seen as a normal teen looking for acknowledgement, she took it to a new abnormal manner. Instead of seeking out a positive way of seeing this like sharing a like interest or doing something special with dad, she did the opposite. She did things that got her in trouble and when the negative aspect  of their relationship happened as a result of her actions she would say "see I told you he didn't love me".
      Granted you and I could see that this behavior was the wrong way to "prove her father's love", she saw it as the only way and still does to this day. You can try to talk to her and  explain to her that her father does indeed love her in his own unique way. She may even agree that her way of "proving it" is a convoluted way yet she doesn't really believe it inside. This is proven time and time again as she continues to sabotage her relationship with her father regardless of what he may or may not do. All the positive "good aspects" of their relationship are viewed as "staged attempts" by him, in her mind.
       When dealing with some similar thought process's of my DD #2, she needs to have an almost constant outward stimulus to feel wanted or loved. She needs to be doing something physical almost every day because when she has "down time" she begins to experience difficulties. As long as I can keep her physically and/or mentally active whether it be going for what we call "sense walks" or hiking in the woods or collecting rocks on the beach, she is pretty stable. She is always "looking for home" like Dorothy, when what she is looking for can be found inside her. She desires a centering of her being, being happy with what or who she is.
       My DD #2 is very much a creative, "artsy type", mental person, trying to "find herself". No one can do this for her but by keeping things going for her allows her to experience different things. We take what we find, whether it is rocks from the beach or items in nature like sticks and leaves, we bring them home and do something with them. We have painted rocks with either scenery or if the rock looks like something, we do that. We have taken nature items and arraigned them on the table with lighting and proceed to draw it. This allows her to use her mind and her creative side after some physical activity.
       I try to have her experience things that are positive and productive so that she can be able to see, touch and feel things that she did. A positive thing that is tangible and can remind her of the good that she can do when she puts her mind to it. My DD #2 has an issue with placing blame on others for her own actions instead of taking responsibility for herself. I pray that if we can show her enough of the good she can and will do when she puts her creativity to work, then the negative behavior will fall to the wayside.
       Both of my DD 's have issues that many of us have on any given day. The difference in someone who has MI is that you don't just "get over it" or "out grow it" as if it is a phase. People with MI truly and whole heartily believe it to be true. It may take months or years of repeated positive behavior before one realizes this as faulty thinking. In some this may never be reached but we continue to try, day after day, week after week, month after month. Praying and hoping for that day to come when "light dawns on bedrock".

On Again, Off Again

      Many years ago I too was dxed with bp, PTSD (Post Tramatic Stress Disorder) and depression and I went through similar things that my children are now going through. For years I went to counseling and medication management. I was stable on medication for many years and I like many who are "feeling better" stopped taking my medication but continued going to therapy. I wount say it was a good thing to do but I managed to continue to use my coping skills I learned in therapy and it has been about 6 years since I discontinued my medications.
      Just because I was able to manage my life and my bp sucessfully for those six years does not mean I will never again have issues with my bp. During times of increased stress or medical illnesses, my bp and depression does show its ugly face to remind me that I too need help still. For the majority of the time, I can cope without medication and therapy but I always have to keep it in the back of my head that I can have a relapse and need to be able to realize when to seek threatment again.
      After my DD #2 came home from her 4th inpatient stay, you would think that would be a joyous moment and things would be upbeat for her coming home. I couldn't understand why I was so down that evening and into the next day. I didn't want to get up out of bed, didn't want to go to the chat rooms that I was involved in for years now. I didn't know why I was feeling sick to my stomach when ever I even thought about food. I didn't even want to play a game with the kids or anything. It took me a few days of feeling this way before I even realized that my depression was peaking inside me. Why would I become depressed after my DD was home? Why not while she was in the phosp (Psychiatric Hospital)?
      I know for me when one of my DD's is unstable and it is bad enough for an inpatient stay, my mind focus's on that and nothing else. With the last phosp stay I was awake for 38 hours with only a 30 minute nap at about the 23 hour mark. I was working on what I like to call auto pilot, do what needs to be done during the first 48 hours, then and only then can you relax enough to get some sleep. This last stay was different from all the rest of them due to some issues that my DD #2 and I have been dealing with for three months now, which I can not get into at this point. So my typical call list involved the school, doctor, therapist and support coordinator now included several more names and contacts.
      Also because of these added issues it added more meetings then usual as well. I don't believe a day went by without a meeting on top of my normal working hours and home life with my other children.There is no time to "break down" and allow my feelings to surface. I got to the point where I honestly hated making those calls to the support people because I hated hearing the "What can we do for you during this time? How can we better support you and the other children?" At one point when our church Youth Pastor asked me this question I broke down on the phone and said "I don't know anymore, all I know is I can't take much more of this".
       Where hospital stays are so hectic, once the child comes home it is sort of a let down in your auto pilot and your emotions come rushing in all at once. It took me several days before I could even get up enough gumption to call my PCP to make an appointment to go in and see him. Sometimes we as parents don't even realize we need help because we are constantly doing for our children that we are too tired to look into why we feel the way we do. In order to do for our children we need to be able to make that self inventory check list frequently because if we don't and we allow it to get out of hand, who will be there for our children? This is true even for those parents who do not have MI to deal with.

Language Barriers

     If you have ever traveled to another area that speaks a language you do not know, it's kind of hard to get your message across. Yes you can use a language dictionary and muddle your way through and there might be a chance that the person you are talking to figure out what you need and help you out. What if you didn't have a dictionary to help you out? There may still be a chance that you can do the whole charades thing and if you got someone who has played it before and is good at it, you again might get the help you need. Now what if there is such a language barrier that signalling or acting out your needs does not help, what do you do then?
      You walk around trying to communicate with anyone who makes eye contact with you. What if it is a real emergency and you add a little bit of panic to your voice or your actions are so quick that you are scaring people away? How is that going to make you feel? You may feel a whole variety of emotions like being overwhelmed, scared, angry, frustrated, confused as to what to do and many more. If you were to see someone exhibiting these things, what would you be thinking? What would you do? How would you act?
      To someone with MI these are common daily experiences, maybe not in the same outwardly manner but it is going on inside them. It is difficult for some people to express what is going on inside them whether it is an emotional thing or if it is a psychological thing or even a physical thing. If you do not know the words to put with the feeling, you might as well be speaking in another language. This can happen to anyone regardless of having MI or not, but this does exacerbate things when you throw MI into the bag.
      Once you realize this and can learn to be able to "read between the lines" it makes it somewhat easier for those who are dealing with MI to be able to get their needs across to the right people. We have jails and prisons full of people who have MI that failed to get their needs met. Sometimes it is at the fault of the MI one who doesn't take their medications due to the inability to buy them and sometimes it is because they think they don't need medications. There are so many out there that don't even know they have MI because no one took the time to talk to them or to connect MI to one's actions.
      There are also those out there that have their hands ties by the laws of the land and can not legally do anything to change it. Another group of people are those who just have not learned the language of MI and do not even know how to notice it or refuse to see it. These are some of the things that need to be changed in order for MI individuals to get the help they need. People need to be willing to learn to recognise this and emergency personal need to learn the language and what to do once they see it. Investigate what is the best and quickest way to get people to a stable place.
      Just because individuals learn the language also does not guarantee that all people with MI can be helped it just means that we can do a better job of helping those who want the help. I believe that the majority of people who deal with MI, don't like how it makes them feel and want it to stop. Some want to work and be a productive member of society but can't because they either don't know how to or don't have the support network to do so. MI can be a crippling disease but it doesn't have to be. People with MI can learn to live a long happy life if we would just learn their language.
     

Nasty, Four Letter Words

      In the years since my children were dxed, I have learned so much that you can not learn from any text book or in any classroom. Granted the college classes I took while going for my Associates degree in Human Services taught me the book knowledge it could not teach you the other side of the illnesses. Emotions and learned reactions play a big role in MI as well as trama. Like I have said before and I will probably say again, we do not live our lives by a textbook, nor does MI, this is why it is hard to treat at times. What one person may see as good or positive another may cringe at the thought of it never mind doing something about it.
     There are many things that I have found over the years that are seem as "bad words" or unspeakable things. I want you to think about some words and what they mean to you. When most people hear the word love, it may bring good thoughts to your mind. Maybe of a crush you had growing up, You may think of your first boyfriend or girlfriend. Maybe even pictures of your favorate place that you experienced a happy moment in your life. Maybe even go so far as to the smell of your favorate food. For some the word love brings pain and memories that you have tried to surpress. Memories of a loved one who has passed away. Maybe memories of abuse from a parent or parent figure that says "I only do this because I love you". How about the words "I love you" being said to a child while they are being violated. For these children love is a four letter word, one that they would rather not hear because it is associated to a negative thing.
     How about the word hope? What does hope mean to you? For me hope is something I reach for in a  difficult time. It is a word that can mean soo much depending on what your situation is. What if hope was an unreachable feeling? If hope was always beat down in your mind by others words or even by your own self-talk. If hope was constantly ripped out of your hands time and time again and only replaced with uncertainty and discouragement. If hope is a cruel joke played by others. Again, hope can be viewed as nothing more then just a word in your language that means nothing to you.
      We live our lives the way we interpret things. When one has endured the hardships of abuse or trama, the simplest things which bring us good thoughts and memeories may bring fear, anxiety and torture to others. It doesn't matter what are four letter words to people or to avoid those things. What matters is how you view the the people themselves. Weither you are talking about an abuse victim or a person with MI, both see things differently and that is why they act as they do. When you can understand this connection, what to do next is easy.
     People, regardless of MI or trama, want to be understood and treated with respect and yes I will say the dreaded "L" word, they want to be loved. Truely loved, not superficail, not sexual, but real deep down love that can not be shaken by time or situation. I love my children with all my heart as much today as I did the day they were born. I loved my DD #2 even while she was biting my arm in the middle of a rage. I loved my DD #1 even after she shut my hand in her door trying to keep me out of her room. No I do not and will not love their behavior when they are unstable, but my love for them as my children will never fail or dwindle.
     Granted my love is what my DD #1 fears will come to an end someday, I will not stop telling her I love her. I will not stop showing her that I love her. Until the day comes when she can hear the words "I love you" and not cringe at the sound of it. Until she can accept that it is not going to hurt her and believe it, those simple words will continue to haunt her. Until the day that she can say those words and know that they wount come back and bite her in the butt, she will continue to struggle. I pray that day will come before she looses out on too many joys that await her. I also pray that she will allow others to love her because right now she push's everyone away that gets too close to her heart. I will rejoice when the day comes that love is no longer a four letter word.

Opposite Poles

     When I found out that I was pregnant for the second time, DD #1 was almost 5 years old, and her early medical issues were pretty much under control. She was in a good preschool getting some much needed social skills, gross motor skills as well as speech and language therapy. I was a little concerned about being pregnant again after the difficult pregnancy I had with my first child. I wondered if this pregnancy would be the same but it wasn't, thank God.
     My second pregnancy was as different as night is from day then my first one. I was praying that like the differences in the pregnancy so would be the differences in health. The differences didn't stop with the pregnancy and the health, they were also opposites in temperament as well as self soothing abilities and the ability to self entertain. I had not heard my DD #1 cry until she was almost 4 months old (other then the time of birth) and my DD #2 wasn't happy unless she was moving. We joking called her our perpetual motion baby because she had to be moving to be happy. Even nursing and feeding her was difficult because she was very "nosey", she had to always be looking around taking in everything around her. She hated to cuddle or be held facing anyone, she had to face away. She even moved in her sleep like her father, one foot going at all times.
     Toddlerhood was even more fun when she began to crawl and pull herself up on things. She was so curious and wanted to know what everything was. That curiosity is what got her into some dangerous situations even at a young age. I knew we had our hands full with her because unlike her sister, she had no fear of new situations. She didn't fear things that had hurt her nor did prior injuries deter her from going at it again. This was true all the way up until she was..................well let's see, three months ago and she is in her mid teen years.
      When our DD #2 began to really do some pretty dangerous things with no regard to what natural consequences that followed I figured I would either be bald or gray by the time she graduated high school, if she made it that far. Thinking back, I probably should have bought stock in the makers of Tums and first aide products with as much as we have used. This was unlike her sister who was a little overly timid and still is to a point now. Both of my DD's fears or lack there of, are just as serious as the other one's timidity.
     So here the battle ensues, with the age old saying, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. What is good for DD #1 is not what is good for DD #2. I have spent years trying to get DD #1 to just go out and make friends, spend time with them, know who they are and at times, do as they do - being a kid. Now on the other hand I have to pull back the reigns on DD #2 because she doesn't need to be more out going, she doesn't need to follow what her friends do.
     Another age old saying "if your friend jumped off a bridge would you jump to?" For DD #2 the answer to that would be defiantly YES!!!! let's go! DD #1 wouldn't even consider doing such a thing because first of all the bridge is over water and I can't swim..............and number two, I'm scared of heights............ The list would go on for a mile as to why she wouldn't be able to do this. Granted this is not a bad thing and I would pray that none of my children would do something just because their friends did it but there comes a time when fear grips so hard that it smothers your life, your very existence.
      Life needs to have a healthy medium and without that medium this is where a lot of issues begin and develop. With two children at opposite ends of the spectrum dealing with everyday life it can be difficult to get them to see eye to eye on a lot of things. Also getting them to even agree on something is so far and few between that it is not remembered from one time to another time. They both feel unloved by the other and to get them to see that is not true is almost impossible most of the time. Yet if one was being hurt or in a difficult situation with others, they would have their back just because they are family. Love is a four letter word between my two oldest children and up until my DD #2 came home after a 29 day inpatient stay a few months ago, they had not admitted to each other that they truly loved the other.
    

Medication: Joy or Sorrow?

     Shortly after my DD #2 began medication to try and help her control her anger and behavior issues, I found out what "the lesser of two evils" truly meant. Medication can do several things to the body as a whole. It can help it (make behaviors better) or it can hurt it (make even more behaviors or make the ones present worse). My DD #2 was very much a "tom boy", the dirtier she was the happier she was. I was forever trying to get her out of the tree she would try to climb or down from the celling (and yes I do literally mean the celling). Her favorite pass time when the weather wasn't being nice, was to straddle the hallway and shimmy herself up to the celling. Now if you have never seen this done or don't understand what this is, imagine placing both of your hands on one wall and both your feet on the opposite wall, then you slowly "walk" up the wall towards the celling. Once she had her back against the celling she would do a "count down". When she hit "blast off!" she would pull in her arms and legs and "fly" to the floor. Once she caught her breath she would repeat the process till I physically made her stop. These type of behaviors got worse when she was placed on her first medication for what they called ADHD (she was misdxed with this when she was 7 years old).
     I began to see behaviors that I thought I would never see in her, like "flying" wasn't bad enough. One day shortly after she began her medication, I had gone to the bathroom and on my way there told my DD #2 not to "fly" while I was gone, she had to wait till I came out of the bathroom. Well she followed what I said about "flying" but she was not in sight 1 minutes later. After I looked around for her and even opened the door and hollered for her (thinking she went outside) I hear from behind me "I right here mom". I turned around and to my surprise she had climbed up my half wall and was standing on top of my six foot refrigerator with my 10 inch carving knife, holding it out like it was a sword. I frantically went over to the refrigerator demanding the knife and she proceeds to tell me "no, you cant have my sword! I a pirates, stick um up". If the situation hadn't been so dangerous I would have laughed my fool butt off and explained to her that pirates don't say "stick um up" they say "on guard". I don't even remember how I got her off the fridge without anyone getting hurt but she never did it again, thank God.
      One medication down and on to the next one. Another common se (side effect) to some of the medication is drowsiness or what I like to call zoning or zombiland. Now like a lot of medications you need to allow your body to adjust to it before some of the se are no longer seen, usually about 2-4 weeks or more. This zombiland is what we experienced with her second medication and when that se was still there a month later just as it was the first day, I knew this wasn't the right medication either, this was no longer my energetic DD #2. After the third trial of a medication had even worse se (she would scratch her face to the point it bled, I stopped trying the medication route. I would take my chances with her behavior's getting worse before putting her and the whole family through anymore.
      It was years before I looked into some new medication but in the mean time I tried different ways to cope with her behaviors. I tried the age old sticker chart of chores and good behaviors. For every day she got the set number of stickers, she would get a prize and for getting 3 stickers in one week she got another prize, so on and so forth. This only worked on her "good days" though and always made sure that her minimum number for a sticker was things she did everyday anyway like brushing her teeth, brushing her hair, making her bed....To some this may not seem very logical to give her a prize for things she does everyday but this showed her that she could do it if she put her mind to it. On her bad days even logic gets thrown out the window in the minds of someone with MI. These simple tasks of doing the sticker charts only works on younger children.
      Years later, my DD's # 1&2 are now teenagers and my hands are tied on what will work. Constantly grounding them or taking away privileges just plain does not work, specially when they are the same size as you. The older the person is the less likely things will work if they do not see the sense in doing it. They have a mind of their own and as a typical teenager, they know everything and we as parents, know nothing. We don't understand what they are going through and we can never help them. Oh how I would love it for my DD's to be able to see things through my eyes and with my heart and my knowledge both as a parent and as a college graduate with a Human Services degree. Knowledge doesn't prevent all things, it just helps to know what is going on.

Two's A Charm

     Keeping track of one child's needs can be tricky when you add MI issues into the mix and even more difficult when another child is added to the mixture. If I wasn't all done having kids by the time my DD #1 had begun to develop MI issues, I would have been once they started. My DD #3 was only 3 years old when my DD #1 was dxed (diagnosed) with childhood depression and anxiety. My DD #3 was only 4 1/2 years old when I had to try and explain to her why her big sister couldn't come home and why she had to stay at the hospital, so the doctors could make her all better so she can come home to us. DD #2 was 9 years old at this time and had already started seeing anger issues in her for a few months but I tried to shrug it off as just being an active child with a bad temper. Little did I know that she too was having issues she couldn't even put the words to yet.
     While attending meetings at the phosp (Psychiatric Hospital) and visiting DD #1, I was there on an almost daily basis. I worked my 8 1/2 hours shift and head to the phosp after work everyday then I would come home to my other two DD and try to fill them in on the "happy" times Elsie was having. I didn't want them to worry about her and get all worked up because then I had to deal with that on top of what I was doing to myself from worry. There were days I had to stop on the way home because I couldn't see through the tears if my DD # 1 had a bad day or had to be restrained. I never shared those days with the ones at home, I would "make up" stories at this point. Keeping their spirits up helped to keep mine up as well. During her stay I never allowed my DD # 2 or 3 visit their sister, I was too afraid of what they might see or hear, I didn't want to scare them. They were too young to understand why kids there were yelling almost all the time or why all the doors are locked so you can't get in or out without a buzzer going off to unlock the door. I didn't know how to even broach that subject so to avoid the questions, I told them that no one can see her but mommy and daddy.
      While DD #1 was in-patient for 6 weeks, DD #2 began to really get violent. At nine years old, she had quite a temper and she was so full of energy she didn't calm down easily or quickly. This began before I learned how to safely restrain without injury to myself or my DD. There was very few "rages" that I would come out of without injury from my DD's. DD #2 used to come at me with fire in her eyes and nails ready to scratch or fists already swinging. Very soon I would have two children in the same phosp. DD #2 began in the day program, going to the phosp from 8 am - 3 pm, 5 days a week. There she worked on her anger issues, having personal therapy and group therapy everyday in addition to her tutors from the school to keep up on her classwork.
      When DD #1 was stable enough she joined her sister in the day program once she was discharged from the in patient unit I had twice as many meetings and appointments to keep track of. Once both DD's were discharged from the day programs the schedules were even more fun to keep track of. Having two children who are about as opposite as they could possibly be and have the same parents, these two were. DD #1 had a language barrier when trying to express herself so she needed more of a "play therapy" to deal with her counseling issues. DD #2 on the other hand was the tomboy of the crew and talked best when she was distracted doing something hands on, thus the search for an "art therapist".
     With both girls being stable enough that I was going stark raving mad anymore, I could finally relax and concentrate on the family again. Having our "family nights" and picking out movies or games to watch/play was a good distraction for myself and the girls. We were able to plan outings as well as trips. Things looked like they were getting back to normal again. This was our life, going from one crisis to another, living one day at a time and praying for longer periods in between the rages.
    

Bitter Sweet Moments

     I was going to attempt to map this whole thing out from the beginning to present time as to what we as a family have gone though but I need to interject here because it is relevant to the last two posts regarding Hospital stays and coping skills. Just yesterday my DD #2 came home from a 12 day psychiatric hospital stay, her 4th inpatient stay in the last 2 years. The whole family was happy and excited to see her come home and my DD #3 even made a sign and put it on the front door welcoming her home. We had a nice supper and all was good, for the first few hours.
     After supper all three DD were painting at the kitchen table and an issues arises. My DD #2 began to express her feelings and using her words to make it known to those around her, one of her many coping skills she has been working on. I was proud of her for using her words to communicate instead of her usual violent temper. Unfortunately her words were not met with the same feelings I had but instead were met by my DD #1's argumentative disposition. DD #2 did great with her response to this negative attitude and that in turn made my DD #1's negative attitude even worse and she ended up storming out of the house to cool down.
     This is a prefect example of how you cope with stress in the proper way, with positive skills, you can remain in control of your own actions and words. When my DD #1 allowed her negative behavior to supersede her ability to utilize her coping skills, she in turn began to loose control of her emotions which in turn escalated her behavior toward those around her. Both of my DD's have had similar counseling in using positive coping skills for various situations but when one does not implement those skills, it is as if they never had them to begin with.
     For successful treatment for MI, one has at least a duel process if not a tri-level process. Some MI issues only need counseling and training on the proper use of positive coping skills. In a tri-level process, medications may be needed to achieve this, sometimes short term medications and some are life long medications. We began the process many years ago with just counseling and positive coping skills, because I was not ready to place my children on medication in the fear that they would become dependant on it. I really believed that if we taught them what is ok to do and what is not ok to do then they would be fine.
      I am not saying that what I did back years ago was the right thing to do and I am not saying that I regret having held off on medication. This is where the hard science verses the soft science comes into play, MI is a trial and error process. You try the least restrictive methods first and go from there until you have reached the right level for optimal stability and then do your best to maintain that stability. Also just because you reach a stable point in your life does not mean you will always be stable, that takes time, patience, skilled professionals and willingness to learn and continue to implement the proper skills learned.
     Even with doing all these above mentioned things, instability can arise because of sickness, body chemistry changes, onset of puberty, the cycle of menus in females and many more that I have not mentioned. Any doctor will tell you that your body chemistry and makeup changes every seven years, so what works for a season in your life may not work forever. This is why it is so important for people dealing with MI to be in constant care of a profession who is trained to see these signs early and be able to catch them before one becomes too unstable and "tweak" the treatment.
      Life for someone who deals with MI in themselves or a loved one is a never ending process. Yes you have good times when stability is reached and you cherish those times because you never know when the tough times are going to show it's ugly face again. It could be a week, a month, a year later but most of the time, at least in what I have experienced, stability does not last forever. I struggle with the thoughts of "why me?",  "Why my kids?", "When is this going to end and life gets back to normal?".
     In addition to these questions that really have no answers are the thoughts I will never put to words outside of my head. I despise them even having a place in my head but this is reality. Thoughts like...."I hate him when he does........." "I cant stand her when she did....." "something is wrong with her because she said......" and the list can go on and on, hundreds of pages long. I even find myself saying I don't know how much more of this I can take but I also keep reminding myself of one thing. In all of these statements I say it is in reference to what the person did and not the person itself.
     My love for my children is one of the top 3 reasons why I continue to battle for my children's well being. My top 2 reasons are my love for God and the knowledge that He is there to help guild, support and bring to pass His peace and wonderful miracles in theirs and my life. One day I believe that we will come to a place where there is no MI, no need for medications and His glory will be proclaimed and until that day comes, I will love and support my children in any and all ways I can.
     I count my blessings and times when my children are stable. I put those memories in the back of my mind so that I can retrieve them when the times are tough and remind myself that things will get better. The times when we are sitting around the living room coffee table playing "Who Am I?" and we have goofy cards taped to our foreheads. Or the times when we are having a water fight outside and trying to get as many as we can sopping wet. The times when we are sitting around the kitchen table drawing a still life while DD #1 descriptively writes what she sees (she loves to write but hates drawing). These are the times I plant in my head to try and over shadow the hard memories of instability. Taking those bitter times and replacing them with the sweet ones.

Coping Skills

     Over the years of dealing with MI, I have talked to many parents who go through similar things with their children that I have with mine. There is a connection with others that share an experience that no book, seminar or class can fully give you. A person can only be so educated in MI but there is a difference between being book educated and experience educated. We were not designed out of a book nor do we live our lives by a book. We are all unique in our own ways and there is no one that acts, reacts and does as we do. MI is a "soft science" because we are all different and there is no hands down proven way of treating MI. What works on one person may not even make sense to another or even help. The same goes for medications, therapy or coping skills.
     Coping skills are something we have in each of our lives whether you have MI or not. Coping skills are how we are able to handle difficulties in our lives. Some coping skills are positive and productive but others are negative and even at times can be destructive to our lives and others around us. These coping skills can be ingrained in our lives and minds that we do not even think about them and others can be learned through trial and error and practice. When a person tries to learn a new coping skill it is not as easy as you think to do. You can "practice" using that new skill all you want but the trick is when you try to implement that skill during the time it is needed.
      This is where so many people have a difficult time. As a parent of children with MI, I have to stop and think before I react to a situation. I have to be able to calmly talk my DD into making the right choice during a rage and I also have to accept what her choice is, good or bad, and act accordingly. If my DD decides not to utilize a new coping skill then I need to be prepare to restrain and hold her to avoid injury. If she does choose to utilize a new skill then I need to be willing to help her succeed and move toward our intended goal for a better outcome. The minds of a person in need or crisis don't work like those minds in low stress situations. The mind is racing and bouncing off this thing and that and it is hard to focus on the intended goal, this is where the support people in your lives are needed.
      Someone with MI needs a variety of support people, both natural and professional supports. Family, friends, neighbors, church family are all what is called natural supports. Professional support people are the doctors, counselors, nurses, mental health workers...ect. Without both types of support people in your lives that communicate with each other, life can be very chaotic and just a down right mess. Going from one crisis to another without much down time in between. Before I had both types implemented into our family's life, I was a huge mess personally, not knowing if I was coming or going most of the time. I was so stressed out that even our home life had become uprooted quite often and the behaviors I tried to avoid in my children came more and more often.
      After years of trying to do all this on my own, alone without much support, I too started having some issues of my own. I struggled with depression as well as "loosing it" at the drop of a dime. I couldn't control them which lead to me not even being able to control my own anger and emotions. I remember sitting and crying because one of the kids still hadn't picked up their toy after they were done playing with it and I had asked them to put it away at least 10 times. Pretty typical of any kid, but I would either yell at them or pick it up and throw it away because they didn't listen. This type of behavior from me didn't help anything and even at times made things worse.
      I needed to change my own negative coping skills, or lack there of, in order to make things better and more manageable. I needed a way to control my own reactions to their behaviors of both a typical kid and those stemming from MI. I began to seek out a counselor for myself, so I could bounce things off someone who wasn't going to judge me. Someone whom I know would at least understand and not be shocked at what I would say and also who wouldn't use what I said against me. I know I had a fear of people knowing what truly went on in my house. I didn't want to be seen as a bad mother or that my kids were brats or even that my kids would be taken from me because I could not control them. This fear most certainly crippled me in my efforts in seeking help for years. But I knew at some point that I needed to reach out for help. Yet another tough but needed step in our family's healing process.

Dealing with Hospital Stays

     I have to say that my experience with Psychiatric Hospital stays has been one of the hardest things I have had to deal with. It is not easy as a parent to have a child in the hospital for medical treatment and even harder for MI. When your child is in for a medical procedure or for medical treatment of an illness, it is acceptable and everyone know how it feels and people can comfort parents fairly easily because there are tons of parents who have had to do this. When it comes to a mental facility, people don't know how to react, feel and say because it is not the "norm" and in a lot of communities it is still a "taboo subject". The feelings don't change when it is a MI and sometimes it is even harder to deal with because you don't feel you can talk openly about it.
     When I had to place our DD#1 in-patient, I felt like my world was coming down all around me. I had spent nine hours over the weekend "holding" my DD#1 to prevent her from hurting herself. That is not nine hours total over three days, that was nine hours in one day, almost non stop. When I thought she was calming down and I could give her a little "wiggle room" she would get out of my grasp and try to run, so I would tighten my hold again to keep her safe from herself. Monday when I took her in for her partial program, I met with the head staff and informed them about her weekend, not really knowing what was going to happen, all I knew is I couldn't keep doing this on my own with two other younger children at home, by this time. I was drained and tired already when they told me that they were going to place her in patient to stabilize her on some medications.
     When our DD #1 was escorted by staff to the inpatient floor, she was crying and begging me not to put her in there, I too began to fight with the tears that were welting up inside me. Every time she tried to look back at me and I would catch a glimpse of her face and the tears rolling down, it was like a dagger was piercing through my heart. I felt as though I did something wrong in my parenting or dealings with my DD. I could barely see the paperwork I was signing as they escorted her to a room because she was becoming very agitated at this point. I honestly felt like grabbing her and running out of that hospital and that I had done the unspeakable thing to place her there. The staff did their best to comfort me and explaining that she would be fine when she calmed down and that they could help her.
      This began our first inpatient stay that lasted six very long weeks. As I rode down the elevator I was balling my eyes out and another mother in the elevator with me had offered what she probably thought was good advice and asked "first hospital stay?" I replied with only a nod of my head, not able to speak. She then added "It gets easier with each stay". I just glared at her thinking to myself I will NEVER do this again, how could she be so calm and say such horrible things. I would never be able to "get used to" doing anything like this to my child.When I got to my car I couldn't even drive because of all the tears. I sat there for another 20 -30 minutes trying desperately to get hold of myself. Every time I looked toward the building the tears started again.
      When I finally got home and had myself pretty much under control, I had another hard thing to deal with. I had two other children to explain why their sister was not going to be with us for a while. This was another hard thing to do, explain MI to a 4 and 8 year old. The never ending "why" questions and when will she be home. I had to be able to play the calm cool and collective mommy so that the other two didn't become the basket case that I was inside. I had to pretend that it was ok and that she would be home as soon as the doctors helped make her all better. I couldn't even answer some of their basic questions or any of the questions that rose up in my own mind.
      When my boyfriend at the time, came home from work that night, the tears started all over again as I tried to explain to him what had happened that day. He couldn't understand what was going on either. We tried to figure out why my DD #1 was acting like this and was so out of control at times. That night I fell asleep with a wet face from all the tears not know what was going through my boyfriends mind or what he was thinking. All I know is that he had been very quiet as I told him about the day. I was afraid that he would walk away from us because these were not his children and he didn't HAVE to deal with this like I did. Little did I know what he was really thinking was not what I though. I didn't learn the answers to those questions and many more until almost two years later.
     My boyfriend and I would attend meetings several times a week with my DD #1's doctor and therapist on the floor. We would try to get my DD #1 to talk about what she was thinking and dealing with inside with no luck. It was like she was mute and refused to talk about anything. After meetings/visits my boyfriend and I would wonder for days what she was thinking. I had to search my own mind as to why this was happening. I know from our life with my ex-husband, it was far from being easy. Drinking, abusive actions and verbal abuse were almost a daily occurrence for a duration of time. I was unsure  if that had a hand in this or if I was way off base. My DD #1 was not the only one having issues like this. A few months before this hospitalization my DD #2 began acting out in the same ways as my DD #1. At the time my DD #2 was only 8 years old and I could still easily restrain her and deal with her "rages" but I was definitely getting both physically and mentally tired.

Special Needs Goes Beyond Education

**I am going to begin to use something that is used on a web support group I belong to at http://www.bpkids.com/ and I will place meanings in parenthesis so everyone knows what the acronyms mean. 
     With our DD #1 (Oldest Darling Daughter) her delays and issues did not stop with her education and gross motor delays. She began showing signs of some more issues at hand that would take our lives in a direction I knew very little about, MI (mental illness). She began with some mild anxieties and "qwarks" that had no reasoning attached it them. She would sit for hours counting monopoly money, how many pink ones, how many yellow ones, ect.... Once it was counted out she would mix it up and count it again. She would also spend hours separating beads into color piles and again mix them up and do it again. We never had a game very long because she would take all the pieces out to "organize it" and loose pieces so the game was unplayable.
     Like many children, she became obsessed with certain books to the point that she would refuse to read other ones. I had to read her "7 Little Rabbits" every night for so many years that even 16 years later I can still say it verbatim without help from the book (and yes she still has that book today). I also began to notice that our DD #1 never did well with change in her life. She would freak out if we had to do something out of the ordinary or if I didn't prepare her for something days before hand. If she had a doctor's appointment or if we had to go to the store for something on the way home, I would have to let her know that morning or there would be a meltdown.
     At the age of about 8 or 9 yrs of age, the "rages" started, where I would have to sit and hold her until she calmed down. I am not talking about a temper tantrum that all kids go through at some point. I am talking about a full out, throwing things, yelling, cursing, hitting, scratching, head butting rage. I was told by so many people that all she needed was a good swift kick in the butt. Family members even told me this and that I wasn't hard enough on her, discipline is all she needs. Yes there are some kids out there that are not disciplined and allowed to do as they wish. For those kids that react to limits at too late an age, that is true. I on the other hand did set limits as well as a cause and effect modality with all my children. You do something, whether it is good or bad, and there will be a result of it. I wasn't one to "save" a child from the natural consequence of an action unless it could physically injure them or someone else.
     These "rages" that my DD #1 had were off the chart to me, a 15 on a scale of 1-10. I don't know how many times I would come out of a rage with her with bruises, cuts and swollen hands from her actions. Now keep in mind that these started out small and developed over the years and began getting more violent and more often. By the time she was a pre-teen and teenager, a week didn't go by without one or two rages. I know that some of you reading this would say that you would never allow your child to do this too you. There is no "allowing" here being done, the rages come whether you want them or not and you have two ways of dealing with them. You can either react to them in a positive calm manner or you can react to them in a negative explosive manner.
     It took me years to figure out that how I reacted to my DD #1's rages would either help them to reduce the rage itself or I could yell and scream back at her. By staying calm and not taking what is being said verbally or done physically, personally, then I could successfully get a rage under control with minimal injury to myself and my DD #1. If I reacted to her rage in a yelling and screaming manner then that was like adding fuel to the fire and it quickly escalates out of control. With this being said, it is not an easy thing to do because you are in the midst of a situation where your adrenaline is heightened and your first natural reaction to someone swinging at you or throwing things is to fight back. It took years for me to get to a point where I no longer reacted to her rages with anger, and yes I do slip from time to time and yell back before thinking.
     By the time my DD #1 was having these rages frequently, my husband and I divorced. With time I had noticed that these rages only happened when my DD #1 was with me and not with her father. When I had talked to my ex-husband about the rages, he was surprised because he had never seen one. The school also had never seen her having this behavior. I began to believe what my ex-husband was saying, that maybe it was me causing her to do this because it only happened with me. I began having some issues around this, myself. Always second guessing myself and mentally beating myself up inside, trying to rack my brains as to what I might have been doing to cause her to be like this.
     My DD #1 was 12 years old when I placed her in a partial program at our local mental facility in order to get help with her. She went to the hospital from 9-3 Monday through Friday, to do her classwork as well as intensive therapy groups and trying her on her first Psych medication. She was Dxed (diagnosed) with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Anxiety and mood disorder NOS (not otherwise specified). She spent 6 weeks in the partical program before they had to admit her to the in-patient program because she was beginning to dabble in SI behaviors (Self Injury) and refused to contract for safety. After a six weeks in-patient stay our DD #1 went back to the partical program for another 5 weeks before being discharged full time. This was the beginning of yet another roller coaster of life as we know it now. When dealing with loved ones who have MI, the roller coaster does not usually end, it just takes a hiatus during times of stability on medication.

Tearful Joy and Worry

     The day I became a mother for the first time was a very emotional time for me. She arrived into our lives at just 32 weeks gestation after a roller coaster of a pregnancy. I was finally able to see my little girl after several hours and I was scared to death at what I saw in the NICU. She had so many machines and wires hooked up to her that I was too scared to even touch her. I didn't know whether to be happy she was alive or cry because I didn't know if she would live. I wasn't told too much about her health but was reassured by the nurse that she was in good hands. I was then wheeled to my room where I cried myself to sleep from exhaustion.
     Our daughter's first years were plagued with mild medical issues that left me somewhat scratching my head. Why was she plagued with ear infections, one after another after another? Why at three did she only have a 5 word vocabulary? Why did I have to yell at her to get her attention? Why when she finally did start to talk, could no one but her father and I understand her? I had to find out the answers to these questions and the questions that came from the answers we got.
     We finally got some answers and began on what we didn't know at the time, a very long journey. Test after test, specialist after specialist brought us some answers about her speak and language. Our daughters sinus's drained into her ears and thus why the almost constant ear infections. Due to the frequent ear infections, our daughter couldn't properly understand us and this led to the delay in her language. We were able to get some early intervention to help our daughter learn to talk so that others could understand her.
     By the time she was in kindergarten I started noticing more things that didn't seem to add up. Our daughter couldn't seem to run without falling. I just figured she inherited my two left feet and didn't get too concerned about it. Soon I noticed more and more things that she could not do. She had difficulty riding a bike and she looked so awkward trying to skip down the road. When I questioned this to the doctor I was told that there was nothing wrong with her and not to worry about it, she was just not a "graceful" kid.
     My concern didn't end there. Call it mothers intuition or first time mom worries, I knew something was up with her even at the age of 5. Even with this in the back of my head, I refused to allow this to hinder her enjoying being a kid. I continued to read to her and have her repeat what I said. I continued to work with her in developing her gross motor skills that she lacked in. It was a never ending "game" for her, always a new project to do or a new activity to finish. I signed her up for activities that dealt with gross motor function like Tee Ball until she told me she didn't want to play it anymore.
     I realized that her delays went further then her speech, ears and gross motor function when her Kindergarden teacher told me that she couldn't go onto first grade. She went on to explain that she knew enough to pass Kindergarden but would not be able to succeed in first grade and that they recommended she go into a transitional first grade classroom. This was the begining of her special educational needs for years to come.
     Every new school year brought more and more challenges that we faced together. Learning to read, learning to write, learning basic math skills and so on were just some of the challenges she faced. These were so hard for her to grasp that she began to hate school. At one point in her young life that we had to carry her, kicking and screaming, into the school and place her in a chair in the office. We got her there and when she was calmed down enough to go to class, she was dismissed to her classroom.
     It wasn't until she was in the 6th grade and her inabilities to do some things, did the school finally do a battery of tests to determine if she had a learning disability and placed a 504 plan until an IEP could be developed and implemented. It was found, through the evaluations, that my daughter indead had several learning disabilities around reading, short term memory loss, spacial functioning, speech/articulation, slow processing speed, multi-step problems, word reversal and test anxiety.
     Once an IEP was established and implemented, her whole demeaner regarding school turned 180 degree's. She is now in Highschool and accually enjoys and looks forward to school. She is in some SPED classrooms as well as mainstream classrooms. With the right supports in place, she has grown in ways I can not even put to words. At 18, she can finally, 90% of the time, tell what time it is. Her reading level is still at an elementary grade level and her math level is still in the middle school level but she has worked so hard to acheive mostly A's and B's for the last two years.
     The learning disabilities don't end there but she is making it step by step. Our next hurdle is to work on money, counting it, making change as well as estimating how much to give a cashier. She will always struggle with things in her life but I pray that we have given her enough instruction that it woun't be so difficult for her. She is a stubborn young lady who will achieve everything she puts her mind to and not just give up because something is hard but to keep pushing on.

Welcome to Rootabagga's Rambling's

     I have been praying for a while on how God can use me in other people's lives. A way that I can express what He has done in my life and the lives of my children. To share how He has gone above and beyond the prayer's and reached into my heart and changed it. I am dedicating this blog to the Lord and the way He has reached into my life and given me everything I have needed to raise children with special needs.
     In today's society, individuals with physical special needs are finally being treated with respect and admired by many for their ability to overcome their differences. With the right assistance, special needs individuals can lead a normal healthy life. They can succeed and make an inpact in others lives through their determination and ability to overcome adversity.
     Much like physical special needs, those who have learning issues that effect one's ability to hold down jobs has risen as well. Everywhere you look you will see those who are termed as "slow" or "mentally retarded" being able to work in stores and offices. The smiles on their faces as they do their job with a spirit unlike what you would find in many today. The joy that is in their hearts, shows on their faces everyday, that brings a smile to your face when you see them.
     These two categories of people are dear to my heart just as much as my next category of individuals. I believe this category of people is most often misunderstood due to the ignorance of those around them. Now I do not mean to insult anyone by using such a harsh word but to emphasize those who do not want to learn about those sharing the world around them. 
     People who suffer from a mental illness usually suffer in silence, shame and loneliness. Although times are changing and more people are aware of all the different special needs in others, mental illness is still considered a "taboo subject". One can take an IQ test to determine how smart you are. One can take a blood test to determine if you have something medically going on inside of you. Some can even visually see that someone is disabled but there is no blood test for mental illness. There is no "hands down" proven way to determine who will develop a mental illness and how it will effect one's life or the lives of those around them.
     I pray that this blog will open people's hearts and minds to what it is like to live with mental illness, whether it is your own or that of a loved one. A peak into the mind of a mother who struggles to raise children with mental illness and share both the heartaches and the joys of it. Lets take a walk in the shoes that may or may not fit, because there is no "correct way" in dealing with mental illness. Just like everyone on the face of this earth, there is no two alike (except for twins, LOL) and that goes for special needs individuals as well.

God Bless all who read this and may it touch you, and give you the strength to carry on.